“And then what?” She whispered.
“I want to fall for you in the worst way. I want to pull you down on that fur rug with me and take my time removing your clothes, because we’re not in any hurry. I won’t change my mind, because I need to remember every inch of your skin, and the way it tastes when I run my tongue over it. I’d savor every part of your body, making sure to appreciate the way you react to my touch,” I brushed my lips over hers again. “And my kiss. Then I’d make love to you, for as long as possible, the whole time looking into your beautiful eyes so I can remember what it was like to watch the pleasure I bring you, again and again. I’d memorize your curves, and move slow, so it lasts all night. When it’s over I’d hold you tight, pretending that I’d never have to let you go.” I backed away from Reese, and watched as her body began to tremble. Her lips parted, but words wouldn’t come out. “That’s what I’d do, hypothetically of course.”
I stood up and walked into the kitchen. I couldn’t sit there for another moment so close to her. My dick was rock hard, and I was afraid what would happen if she got curious and tried to touch me. We’d already crossed lines. I didn’t know whether to drink more, or take off all my clothes and go outside and lay down in the snow to punish myself. It sure as shit would help me with the woody that refused go away.
Reese was relentless, but she didn’t follow me into the kitchen. It gave me a few minutes to replay what had occurred. I never would have known she’d be curious. I certainly couldn’t have planned we’d be in this situation. For one reason or another we were alone in a cabin. The night was still young, and I had no idea how we were going to get through it without avoiding each other.
I decided that the first thing I needed to do was put a shirt on. While heading toward my bag, I heard her sniffle. My reaction was to see if she was okay. In doing so I saw something that broke my heart. Reese was curled up on the sofa sobbing. Instinct forced me to rush to her side, because I knew I was the reason for her sorrows. “Hey now, don’t cry. It’s going to be okay.”
“No it’s not. I feel like I’m going insane. I hate that you told me how you felt.”
I backed away. “I thought you were happy about it? You said you needed to know.”
She nodded. “I did. What I can’t wrap my head around is how I can love your brother, but want you at the same time.” She shook her head. “I feel like such a whore. It makes no sense. I’m in a good relationship, and I’ve never slept around. I don’t cheat, and I’ve never wanted to. I’m a nice person.”
“Of course you are.” I sat close to her, offering her a pat on the back for comfort. “It’s one of your best qualities.”
“Jake, I’m thinking about awful things.”
“It’s the alcohol. It’s probably a good idea if we just stay away from each other until we sober up. How about I make us some tea?”
“I don’t want tea!” She replied rudely. “I want something I can’t have,” her whisper gave me chills.
Our eyes made contact and I could tell she was dead serious. “It’s not going to happen. As much as I want it too, we can’t go through with it. I’d never be able to look at you without wanting more.”
“You’re right.” She looked away. It was as if the pain she was feeling was radiating to me. I felt so alone, yet equally as close at the same time. I knew she was there, willing to give me the one thing I’d desired that was out of reach. I could have my way and give her the kind of pleasure I’d only dreamed of being able to give someone.
“This game between us needs to stop before someone gets seriously hurt. I didn’t tell you how I felt because I expected something from you. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, and gone on pretending that I couldn’t stand being near you. Seeing you hurt like this is killing me. I’m trying my hardest to be a good brother, but you’re wearing me down. I can’t take much more, Reese.”
When she covered her face again I pulled her into my arms. There was nothing sexual about the way I was holding her. She needed support. Even if it was the liquor making her say things she wouldn’t necessarily say, there was some truth to it. She was making sense, but also giving me false hope.
“Jake, I’m sorry. I know this isn’t how you saw your getaway going.”
I wiped away a few of her tears. “It’s fine. If I could choose one person to be here with, I’d pick you, even if we had to sleep in separate beds.”
“You’re a good man, do you know that?”
“I wouldn’t go that far. I treat women like shit, drink too much, and think I’m God’s gift to football.”
“No. You don’t see what I do. One day someone is going to come along and fall head over heels in love with you. I’ll be jealous of her, though I’d never admit it if you asked me again.”
“You’ll be around. I reckon you’ll be my sister-in-law.”
She nodded, but not in a sure kind of way. “Maybe.”
“Jax will be a good husband. I’ve never seen him act this way about a female. He’s ready to throw in the towel and make you an honest woman. You’ve tamed the lion. I didn’t see that happening.”
“You make it sound picturesque.”
“No matter what, you’ll be happy. We’ll be able to look back on this night without regrets. You’ll see.” While I filled her head with what she needed to hear, I knew it was all bullshit. I didn’t know if Jax would be good to her forever. Hell, I didn’t even know if either of us were capable of it.
“Jake, can you do me a favor?” She was still sniffling frequently. “Will you sit here with me for a while? We don’t have to talk.”
I wrapped my arm around her more and pulled her close. She felt so good up against my chest. It was easy to close my eyes and feel content. I’d been successful once again and not gone through with what I wanted. When I started to doze off I knew that finally the alcohol was doing the job that I required. I’d soon be asleep, and we’d be closer to going home by the time I woke up.
Chapter 8
I wasn’t sure of the time, or even if I’d slept for more than ten minutes. Reese stirred next to me, causing me to wake in a panic. My eyes searched for her to see what was going on. I’d somehow slid down on the sofa to be in a lying position, while she’d nestled herself in between my legs, with her head rested on my stomach.
For a few minutes I stayed still so I was able to take in what it felt like to have her this close to me. This was innocent and unplanned. It wasn’t about sex. It was beautiful.
While Reese slept peacefully, I reached down and ran my hand through her hair. She startled and lifted her head, looking around like a lost puppy. Even as she realized our position she didn’t shift. Instead she found me looking down at her, with an uncontrolled grimace of appreciation. I’d treasure this moment between us, never letting go of the way it made me feel to hold her.
“How long have we been asleep, Jake?”
“I don’t know. It’s kind of hard to tell with a body on top of me.”
She sat up more, leaving me cold and unprotected. I watched her shuffle her hair around and stretch. “It’s still dark outside. I wonder how much snow has fallen.”
Reese stood up and walked over to the window. Her gasp let me know that it was worse than she expected. “I can’t even see where the truck is. It’s covered.”
Since the fire was dwindling down, I slid off the couch to add more logs. When it started to light again I caught her watching me from where she stood. She twisted a strand of hair around, like she did when she was in deep thought. I refused to move when she headed in my direction, kneeling down right in front of me. I reached up and touched her shoulder, innocently, wanting only to seize her undivided attention. “You make me weak, Reese.”
The smirk on her face allowed me to prepare for a snarky comment in response. “You make me feel alive.”
I dropped my hand and looked away, fearing that we were about to have another intense moment. It was as if she were pushing my buttons, because her end game would
benefit us both, but it made no sense at all. I knew she loved my brother. I also understood that Reese was not promiscuous. She was a nice girl; the kind I wasn’t used to being around. She didn’t hurt people for her own gain. Yet, here she was, so close to me. I could hardly keep my breathing controlled.
“I should probably get dressed and go out. The truck will be hell if I don’t keep the snow off of it.” Without giving her a second to reply, I stood up and moved toward my bag. Once I’d put on a shirt and then located a pair of jeans, she came into view.
“Is this an excuse to get away from me?”
It was difficult to lie to her at this particular time. We were alone, and so much had transpired between us. She’d know if I was bullshitting. “Maybe it is. Can you blame me for trying to be decent?”
“No. You’re a good man. I think you know that.”
“Do me a favor,” I said as I obtained a boot and placed it on my foot. “Turn the sink on to a little more than a drip. Make sure it’s on the hot water side. I don’t want the pipes freezing. I’m going out to the shed to find a shovel. Stay inside.”
She nodded and watched me finish bundling up. We both knew we needed to separate. The tension in the room was thick enough to cut it with a knife.
I became aware that she’d walked up behind me. Facing her was inevitable. I twisted around to see her standing there. Her hands reached out finding mine, while our eyes remained fixed on each other. “Kiss me.”
“No.”
“I know you want to. I’m giving you permission. Just one kiss.”
“You’re drunk, Reese. I’m not Jax.”
“I know that.” She was annoyed. I could tell from the way she removed her stare. I’d hit a nerve.
“When you look at me you see him. It’s obvious. We’re an exact replica.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Jake. I’ve always been able to tell you apart.”
“When you look into my eyes, the same eyes as my brother’s, you can’t deny that it reminds you of him.”
“When I look into your eyes I see something completely different looking back at me. You think you’re the same, but you aren’t.” She lifted my arm. “Take this tattoo for instance. Your brother’s is on his chest.” She let go and lifted her fingers to trail over the skin on my neck. “You have a freckle right here that Jax doesn’t.” She looked away for a second and returned her gaze grinning. “When I look into your eyes I don’t see your brother at all. Sure, you both have the same light-brown colored eyes, but you have more golden flecks in yours, where Jax’s are always smooth. I can keep going if it’s what you need to hear. From where I’m standing, you’re very different people.”
No one had ever compared our differences, probably because we never needed them to be heard, or perhaps we never knew they existed. Reese didn’t have to think about them. She knew what to say, as if she’s studied both of us. From spending time with her I’d done the same. She had a birthmark behind her ear that was light and in the shape of a crescent moon. I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I’m going outside now. It’s probably best if you head up to bed. I’ll make sure the fire is strong before I try to go to sleep. There’s extra blankets in the closet if you get cold.”
I didn’t wait for her to question me for shutting down. My buzz had worn off, and I was able to rationalize with how close I’d come to fucking up my life. Reese loved Jax. Why couldn’t I get that through my head?
Sure, she was curious. We’d gotten caught up in the moment of being together, alone and vulnerable. It would have been a mistake that could ruin her life, and possibly mine. I had to be the better person. It was important to protect her, even if it was from me.
I didn’t make it out the door before she’d caught my hand. I hesitated turning to face her, knowing it was impossible to fight what I wanted from her. “Go sleep it off, Reese. Please. If you care at all about me you’ll leave me alone.”
She ran her hand up my chest over the fabric of my coat. “It would be so easy to get carried away right now. Being with you would consume me. I keep wondering if it would be worth it to experience what we would have together. We’re alone, and there’s no way anyone can get to us. If we made love right now, on this very rug in front of that warm fire, who would know? Share this moment with me, Jake. Take my breath away, not because I’m asking, but because when you close your eyes you can see how beautiful it would be to get lost in each other.”
“You don’t get it. You’re not some bargaining chip Jax and I can share. If we go there, if we sleep together, there’s no going back from that. I could lose everything. It’s like you’re asking me to choose, you or my brother. I won’t do that.” I shook my head. “I shouldn’t have started drinking, and neither should you.”
Reese got up in my face. She seemed annoyed, and as the words began to flow from her lips I could sense frustration. “For once can’t you be selfish? What do you want Jake? Are you prepared to watch me walk down that aisle with your brother, or are you willing to fight for what you want?”
“Don’t do that.” I pushed her away gently. “Don’t use that reverse psychology on me to get your way.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” She sat down on the couch and seemed to rethink her words. “You’re no martyr. This isn’t a crime where someone deserves a chance.”
I plopped down beside her and took her hand into mine. “A part of me will always want you. That’s why it’s important to pretend I can’t stand you. If I distance myself it doesn’t hurt as much, and trust me, seeing you two together kills me.”
She leaned her head on my shoulder. “How did things get so out of control?”
I shrugged. “I wish I knew. Trust me, I’ve tried to take back my feelings. I’ve tried to hate you. At the end of the day it only makes them intensify. I should have never told you. I’m so sorry for putting us in this position.”
“I can’t take back the things I said to you. They’re out there in both of our minds forever. I won’t be able to look at you and wonder what it could have been like. Maybe I should just distance myself from both of you. As much as I don’t want to, I can’t be the wedge that comes between you. It’s best if I let go of Jax. At least he’d have you.”
My compassion for my brother continued with my next comment. “No. I won’t let you break his heart.” I shook my head and looked down at her hand. “I don’t want him to feel like I do.”
“And how is that?” She whispered. “I need to hear you say it, just one more time. Look at me and tell me that you don’t hate me.”
I was peering into her eyes, seeing that spark ignite again. As many times as I’d envisioned this moment, I couldn’t bring myself to make a decision. “It’s pointless. It solves nothing.”
“Please.”
“Go to bed, Reese. I’m sorry, but you’ve been drinking and you don’t know what you’re saying. This isn’t you.”
I walked outside before she could argue. It was making me frustrated, knowing she was pretty much begging me to be with her. I hated it.
It was the middle of the night, snowing it’s ass off outside, and all I could do was pray that I’d be able to take her home as soon as possible. I wouldn’t regret telling Reese the truth, but I knew there was no way I could be around them. The damage was done. If she married my brother I’d have to support it, knowing that I let her slip away when I had the chance.
Chapter 9
The wind had caused the snow to build up against the shed door, making it extremely hard for me to open it without digging it free. I got down on my knees, feeling the moisture seeping through my jeans. The instant cold gave me chills, causing me to think of the last time I’d felt warm. Images of her touch filled my mind. I kept shoving the snow to the side, while envisioning her smile, and the way her lips looked when she licked them. Even though my breath was the only warmth outside, I felt comfortable when my thoughts drifted to her. With a bit of concentration I managed to free the old wooden entrance. Once ins
ide, I sat down on the hard dirt floor and covered my face with my gloves, breathing into them to create heat.
It was then that I broke down, overwhelmed with pain, frustration, and most of all guilt. I’d fought my feelings for so long, burying them deep where no one would find. Now, after only a few hours, the truth was out. I couldn’t hide behind a wall anymore. She’d shattered my ability to withhold emotions, and consumed me to crave what I wasn’t allowed to taste.
I wanted her more than I’d ever desired anything. When she touched me I felt awakened. I wanted to be the better man, but my willpower was dwindling. I couldn’t fight this much longer. It was imperative that I keep my distance. She wasn’t like other women. She wasn’t seducing me with my promises of sexual favors. Reese wasn’t begging me to touch her, not purposely. The liquor had relaxed her. She was saying things that I know she’d never tell me. Reese cared about me. That wasn’t a secret. As far as everything else, I couldn’t believe it was true. I refused to allow myself to cling to something I’d never have.
I sat there for a while, alone, and confused. I wasn’t crying, but I’d be lying if I said tears didn’t form in my eyes. I tried to think of what Jax would do if he was in my position. Before he’d met Reese, he’d whored around with his share of chicks. Even behind her back he’d gone to strip clubs with me. There was no doubt that he loved her, and I was certain he hadn’t cheated, but he did have a wandering eye. Realizing that I was trying to come up with flaws to justify my actions, I got up and began to heave the shovel out of the shed. I had work to do, and as long as I stayed focused, I’d get the job done.
I’d been shoveling the snow away from my truck for about ten minutes when I heard a cracking and then a loud boom. It sounded like a bomb had exploded, alarming me immediately. As fast as I could run, I made it inside of the cabin, knowing Reese was probably petrified. The lights were out, and I saw her standing in front of the window frantic. “What was that? Oh my god, it was so loud. Did something explode?”
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