The Remedy Files: Illusion

by Lauren Eckhardt

  I slide closer to Liam and place my head back on his chest. He seems hesitant but then puts his arms back around me. This time, I put my arms around his waist and drift back off to sleep.

  ***

  I awake to the morning sun shining brightly on my face. For the first time in my life, I can actually feel its warmth and I want to bask in it all day.

  I begin to stir a bit but become aware that there are arms wrapped around me. I let my eyes survey the area as much as possible without moving. There is one arm propped under my neck and the other around my waist. I take a deep breath in.

  Instantly I realize I do not want to move. It’s not just the sun I want to bask in but now I don’t want to leave these arms either. There is something so familiar about them. Something that I don’t ever want to leave.

  Indescribable energy begins to fill my body as suddenly I have to move otherwise I feel as though I will burst. Inch by inch I begin to turn my body around until I am face to face with a sleeping Liam. He looks so peaceful. He has a hint of a smile on his face so the lines on the sides of his eyes are revealed. His breathing is steady and calming. I wonder what he is dreaming about, or if he’s dreaming at all.

  “Good morning.”

  Surprised, I lift my head. Gavin is standing behind Liam. I quickly sit up which wakes Liam. His eyes slowly open and he blinks, with his thick eyelashes lapping over his eyes a couple of times. He looks at me and smiles. Then jumps off the cot backwards and plows into Gavin. I stifle a laugh at Liam’s clumsiness.

  “Hi Gavin, Evangeline.” Liam gives a quick nod before turning on his heel, half jogging to get away from us.

  Gavin watches him leave and then sits down on the cot in Liam’s place with his back to me. I lay my head back down on the pillow.

  “Did you have another nightmare?”

  “Yes. Earlier I did.”

  “I am sorry I wasn’t here for you again, Evie.”

  “It’s okay.” I try to reassure him, “Liam was here.”

  Gavin stands up without saying a word. He begins pacing back and forth.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Gavin stops and looks at me. Initially his face is hardened but it eventually softens a bit and he sits back down on the cot.

  “I just want to be here for you, that’s all.”

  “It’s okay, Gavin. I know you have responsibilities. I don’t expect you to be with me all the time.”

  Gavin turns around and places his hand on my cheek, stroking it ever so lightly. “But you are my priority.” He removes his hand and then opens his mouth to speak again, but stops.

  “What is it?”

  Gavin shakes his head. “I’m going to get you some breakfast.”

  “Actually, can you help me walk? I would like to try to move. I am feeling a little better today and kind of sick of this cot.”

  Gavin’s eyes light up. “Yeah, that’s a great idea. I’d love for you to meet everyone.” He sits down on the cot, putting one arm under mine and says, “You ready to try this?”

  I nod and we both stand up in unison. Looking down, I notice a gray hoodie that Gavin must have put on me. Underneath it, the green dress is poking out. The dark spots are obvious and splattered all about.

  Gavin sees the look on my face and says, “I had one of the women give you a cloth bath while you were sleeping. She tried to clean you up as much as possible. Once you can move better, we have some clothes for you and can direct you to the bathing area.”

  “Okay.” I mumble, feeling overwhelmingly embarrassed for my appearance. I then smile. “Gavin, those emotions you taught me? They’re all quickly making sense.”

  He laughs and I can feel the ripple effect it has on his body. These are things I’ve never been able to notice before. “And you thought those games were stupid.” He responds, teasing me.

  We slowly walk to a bigger clearing in the woods and a mix of voices rise up. There are people milling about everywhere- maybe a total of twenty or thirty within eyesight. They are all working hard, gathering food, cooking, building houses and walls around Rebirth.

  “Did something happen recently to Rebirth?” I ask Gavin.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Everything looks pretty new. I didn’t know if something happened like an attack or war or something like The Before.”

  “Oh, no, Evangeline… that’s not the case.” He stops walking for a bit and looks at me, biting his lip. “Rebirth is… well, it is indeed new.”

  “I don’t understand.” I’ve known Gavin for twelve years. How can his Community be new? He had to have been born somewhere, raised somewhere, lived somewhere.

  “Listen, I will tell you, I promise. It’s a long story and right now, I want to get you introduced to Rebirth so you know your way around. We will talk more soon.” Gavin lifts his lips up to my forehead and then stops in midair. Despite my pain, I feel this burning from within to want to lean forward, to encourage his lips to touch my forehead. And this feeling… it surprises me.

  He steps back, looking into my eyes. In a rapid moment, he’s back to my side, holding me up and we are taking steps forward as though nothing else had just happened.

  Before I can think much more about it, Gavin yells out “Marlena! Hey, come here for a sec!”

  Ahead of us I see a tall, slender woman, tan from the sun with long brown hair pulled into a ponytail. She’s leaning over a piece of wood, sawing it as flecks of sawdust are floating in the air around her. She looks up when she hears Gavin call her name and waves with her free hand. She finishes sawing through the piece of wood, sets the saw down on the ground and jogs our away.

  As she’s getting closer, I see how beautiful she actually is. She pulls her goggles up on top of her head, and wipes away the dust from her face. She has a big smile with perfect teeth, putting my slight overbite to shame. That’s when I realize, this must be Gavin’s pairing. She’s exactly as I pictured her- opposite of me in almost every single way. Inside, I suddenly feel a new emotion, a pinch in my stomach and immediately I deem it as jealousy.

  “Hi!” She says in a peppy tone, contagious just like her smile. “I’m Marlena.”

  “I’m—“

  Marlena cuts me off. “Evangline, I know. I’ve heard so much about you. I can’t even tell you how excited I am to finally meet you and get to talk to you!” She gives me a soft hug, careful to not squeeze too tightly.

  “Marlena is the one who helped clean you up when we first brought you here.” Gavin tells me.

  Of course she would be a saint. I’m sure she’s perfect in every sense of the word, I think bitterly. Ugh. Why am I thinking so negatively about a woman who has helped me?

  I force my best smile and say, “Thank you… for helping me. And,” I cough, “for letting me borrow Gavin all these years.”

  She laughs and punches Gavin in the shoulder lightly. “You know our Gavin, here. He does whatever he wants to.”

  Gavin chuckles. “You keep a pretty tight leash on me, though!”

  That pinch in my stomach occurs again except feels a bit more intense this time. They obviously have a strong relationship. And she knows about me. He must tell her everything, just like I had thought. Now I know why he never shared much about his own life with me. He already had someone to share all of that with.

  “I know you’re still healing but once you’re able to get around a bit more, I’ll show you the full ropes of Rebirth. I actually have a little gift that I put together for you. Hold on for a minute.” She jogs to a hut on the side and goes inside.

  “She’s sweet.” I mutter to Gavin.

  “Yeah, she’s a good find.” He responds.

  There is that feeling again except now has grown to a punch in the stomach. Why in the world do I keep feeling so jealous of her? Gavin is allowed to have his own life. He’s made that clear. I spent years thinking I was the only girl in his life- the one he wants to talk to the most. What a joke that was.

  Within a few minutes, Marlena r
eappears and trotting back over to us, her ponytail bouncing with every step. In her hand is a brown worn down leather backpack.

  “This is for you.” She hands it to me, and then changes her mind by giving it to Gavin instead which tells me I must still look pretty weak. “It has a few changes of clothes, undergarments, and basic hygiene necessities. If you need anything else at any point, don’t hesitate to ask me! I’m usually always around and more than happy to help.”

  “Thanks, Marlena. I really appreciate it.” I say, a bit more genuinely this time. The idea of soap and a fresh change of clothes sound amazing right now and every ounce of me is grateful.

  “Oh!” She squeals. “I’m just so excited you’re here!” She gives me another soft hug and holds my free hand in hers for a second. “You will love it here, I promise,” she whispers before squeezing my hand and releasing to turn back to her wood pile.

  I glance at Gavin who is smiling while watching her as she walks away. He looks back down at me. “Ready to see some other parts?”

  I nod.

  “You still feeling okay?” He asks, concern shadowing his face.

  I nod again. There’s no way I’m going to tell him I’ve definitely experienced jealousy as an emotion for the first time. “Maybe a little weak.” I say instead, which is the truth, just not the core feeling that I’m focused on.

  “Okay, we won’t go too much further.”

  Gavin shifts a bit so that I can rebalance my weight on him. We walk together a little longer, making a tiny circle at the core of Rebirth as Gavin uses his other hand to point out different aspects of his community.

  He shows me where the primary cooking occurs and where they store all of the excess food; he points out the building designated for bathrooms with men on one side and women on the other; there’s an area with various tools and equipment he says is used as the fitness arena; and then the various huts that some people prefer over open air cots.

  “There’s no electricity here, so that’ll take some getting used to. We only use fire to cook, for light, and to heat anything else up that needs it. But you’ll adjust quickly, I’m sure.”

  “Gavin, am I staying here?” The thought hits me for the first time as it simultaneously escapes my lips.

  Gavin pulls me over to a large log and steadies me as I sit down. Sitting next to me he asks intensely, “You don’t want to go back to Impetus, do you? I mean… how could you possibly want to go back?”

  “I haven’t really thought about it. There’s just been so much…” I feel a thick heaviness cover my heart, tightening, and causing heat to flourish in my throat. I start again, “There’s just been so much, Gavin. Ever since I woke up, and in my dreams when I sleep, and in the life before this which somehow feels so far away right now. I don’t know where to start with any of it.”

  Gavin puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him. I breathe in his comforting, familiar scent. It automatically calms me down.

  “It’ll take time, Evie. This is why I want to hold off on sharing everything at once with you. There’s a lot to absorb. I know you’re strong. I’ve seen you, I know you’re strong. But I have to protect you as much as I can and for the first time since I’ve met you, I feel like I finally can. I am not going to take that role lightly.”

  I shake my head in efforts to protest but all that comes out of my mouth is a weak, “but…” My eyes feel exceedingly heavy as though I can’t keep them open and nausea is rising slowly in my throat. The world is beginning to tilt slightly. “Sleep.” I say instead.

  Gavin quickly gets up, throws the backpack over his right shoulder and picks me up in his arms. Cradling close to him, I suddenly feel incredibly light as though I’m floating. I’m slowly rising above Rebirth. I wonder if I’m dying and this is how it feels. At least I now know how to feel. Why does Gavin’s community allow him to feel but yet mine banned it? I’m seeing Rebirth from the air, viewing it as the birds would, and I see people walking around happy. They know happiness. Numb, I think. That’s the word Gavin taught me years ago. That’s how I’ve lived my entire life so far. I want to feel… I want to know what Gavin’s lips on my forehead is actually like… I want to be happy every day.

  CHAPTER 21

  For the first morning since I’ve been at Rebirth, I wake up without any nightmares. It’s strange knowing I slept yet didn’t have any dreams. I can’t tell if I like it or not. It’s early in the morning, and there’s a slight chill. I listen, and hear nothing. It feels so peaceful. I don’t want to move at all for fear of disturbing the quiet.

  In the slight breeze, I catch a hint of the smell of my clothes. The green dress that made me feel so beautiful is now a reminder of that pit Impetus threw me in and what they made me go through. I need to get cleaned up.

  I sit up and stretch my arms, which causes pain to shoot out, but yet the stretch makes it more worth it. My muscles feel strong when they lengthen out and flex. The growling of my stomach interrupts my thoughts and is a reminder of how little I’ve eaten over the past several days. This is hunger, I think.

  I’ve read about how hunger was such an epidemic during the wars of The Before. We never had to worry about it in Impetus. We were always on a schedule to eat and it was simply a fact of what we needed each day- similar to taking our Remedy pills. There doesn’t seem to be a schedule here in Rebirth. You eat when you feel like you need it. What a concept.

  I attempt to push myself off the cot when I hear a voice ask, “Do you need some help?”

  Looking up, I see Liam with the rising sun casting a light on him making him look somewhat angelic. It was just like my dream. He is incredibly handsome. Those eyes have to be the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.

  “Yes, please.” I say to him.

  Liam walks to me, and holds out his hands. I grab both as electricity ripples throughout my body. My arms light up with goosebumps and I feel a warmth so deep inside of me that it alone, makes me feel like I could not only stand up on my own, but run around the entire forest several times. Our eyes connect and he smiles at me, making a second shot of electricity rip through me once again.

  As he pulls me up from the cot, I watch his arm muscles as they protrude, making strong round curves, half covered by his short sleeved gray shirt which somehow succeeds in highlighting them even more. I feel a strong desire to touch his muscles and his skin with my lips.

  Get it together, Evangeline! I tell myself. I can definitely see how these emotions can get dangerous to deal with. I’ve had the strangest reactions and thoughts ever since Remedy has worn off.

  I point to the bag lying next to my cot. “Can you hand that to me?” Liam lets go of one hand and stretches out his body to reach for the bag. Again, I can’t help but take in every inch of his body and watch as his muscles react to each movement he makes. He is… amazing. That’s the best word I can come up with as my mind enters a void.

  He grabs the bag that Marlena gave me, stands back up and says, “What would you like with it?”

  I refocus and use my free hand to open up the bag while Liam holds the base. I sift through it and when I see the bath soap, I let out a deep exhale and say, “I would really like to take a bath.”

  Liam’s eyes widen a bit and he looks around quickly. “Let me go and try to find Gavin or Marlena.”

  “I hate burdening them all the time. Will you just help me get to the bathing area? I can handle it from there.”

  “Gavin would not be happy if he heard I left you at the pond by yourself. You’re still healing.”

  My cheeks flush with frustration. “I am not going to sit here and wait for Gavin to get back. He is not the one that decides how things are done with me. I’m my own person and can call the shots on what I need. Please just help me get to the pond.”

  Liam looks defeated but nods. “Ok. Hold on, though. Let me grab some food for us. You’re going to need some energy.” He walks over to a box at the edge of my cot and pulls out a couple of bananas, apples, and pie
ces of bread. Wrapping them in a blanket, he throws it in with the rest of the items in the backpack. “Ok, let’s go.”

  I put one arm around his neck while he puts an arm around my waist. With the backpack in his other hand, we begin walking to the pond.

  We have to stop often so I can catch my breath. A part of me still feels scared to breathe, as to not trigger something fatal with being off Remedy. I am going to have to build confidence that I can survive without it. Remedy is a part of who I’ve always been and it goes deep.

  Walking through the center of Rebirth, I’m amazed with how serene it feels. Everyone must be sleeping or out hunting like Gavin. It looks completely empty. Finally I see the enclosure of trees where Gavin had pointed out the bathroom area resides.

  We walk to the side of the building as Liam points to an open entryway under some brush. He puts one hand above my head as we duck so the branches don’t scratch us. When we enter, I am completely swept away by the beauty. The calm water looks crystal clear and there are a variety of vibrant flowers and plants that decorate the edges.

  I follow Liam to the side of it where there’s a walkway as the pond starts shallow then increasingly gets deeper. He removes my arm from his neck and reaches into the backpack for a towel. Shaking the towel out, he holds it up and looks away. “Go ahead and take off your clothes and toss them to the side. I’m assuming we can go ahead and burn them.”

  I am mortified but know there hasn’t been any hiding of my condition. “Yeah, for sure,” I confirm, eager to never see those garments again.

  Slowly I unzip the hoodie, pulling it down my arms, grunting in pain. I pull the dress straps down my shoulders and push it down over my torso and legs but start to lose my balance so I reach out for Liam’s arm. I feel bumps on his arm—the same ones I get when he’s around. My lips spread into a smile and I look at him but his head is still turned in the opposite direction with his eyes shut. Despite the chill in the air, his face is slightly flushed and he has sweat beads dotting the top of his forehead.