The Remedy Files: Illusion

by Lauren Eckhardt

  I manage to pull my undergarments off with the dress, wrapping them in the hoodie. Then I remember the documents I copied. I search through the clothes again. They aren’t here. I wonder if they fell out at some point. When I don’t see them, I wad everything back up in the hoodie and throw it to the side. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore but I really hope those papers didn’t get in the wrong hands.

  “Are you okay?” Liam asks as he folds up the towel. His back is now turned entirely away from me.

  “Yes… just thought I lost something for a moment.” I say. Those documents are ones that Liam definitely doesn’t need to see since they were approving his wife and child to be terminated. I remember how badly I needed to talk to Gavin the day I found them but I couldn’t find a way to get to him.

  I wade cautiously into the water, the fresh chill takes over my body as I sink deeper into it. I breathe out deeply. This is by far one of the best feelings I’ve experienced yet.

  “This feels wonderful. You should get in too, Liam.”

  Liam doesn’t respond and instead walks to the other side of the pond and sits on a log, keeping his back to me the entire time.

  I splash around in the water, thinking of the children that would get their daily baths at the Home. Those poor children… they have no clue how amazing water actually feels.

  “Liam, do you ever miss Impetus?”

  I watch as Liam shifts to a different seating position on the log. “Sometimes. I think what I miss the most is not knowing everything that I know now.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Life was defined. It was easy. Every day I woke up, I knew what I needed to do. Nowadays… I feel… well, I feel, you know? I feel so much all the time that it is a bit overwhelming. Before I use to just have thoughts. Plain black and white thoughts. Now all my thoughts seem tied into my being able to feel which sometimes becomes a battle of which one is going to win- my thoughts or my emotions? It’s all very confusing.”

  “Yeah...” I’m starting to understand but he has a few more days on me here trying to make sense of all of this. One thing was clear and that was the vast difference of how we lived in Impetus compared to life in Rebirth. “What was your role in the Community?”

  “I completed the Census Remedy logs. I’ve always been pretty good with numbers. I would analyze reports assuring that each person in Impetus was accounted for and that each one’s monitors were not reporting any suspicious levels.”

  I stop splashing and put my feet on the bottom of the pond, my toes squeezing the mud underneath and the water barely reaching my neck. “So you knew who I was and was monitoring my Remedy levels?”

  Liam starts to turn his head but then stops himself, and continues to look out at the trees. “No, I knew you as a name. I put your face to your name when I first saw you at the Doctor’s office.”

  I let my mind replay that day. Him walking through the door with his hair wet, and the first time I was able to see those eyes. The way my skin filled up with goosebumps when I touched his wrist. He starred in many of my dreams but it was only recently when I realized it was actually him. Never would I have imagined this is where we would be.

  “We’ve never been able to talk about how you ended up here. Can you tell me now?”

  “If you think you’re ready.”

  I lay on my back in the water, floating with my eyes closed. “I really want to hear it.”

  After four years of trying multiple versions of the insemination process that is required every week during the month of September for Paired matches until they become pregnant, Angela finally had a success with their first child. However, several months into the pregnancy, she had started to fall ill. She was losing weight instead of gaining weight and vomiting more than they warned she would be doing. Despite these side effects, Doctor Bordine said this happened to a small part of the population and the required monthly doctor visits would be adequate for what they need.

  Liam was called into the Clinic for his pairing’s 8-month checkup which is typically unusual. Doctor Bordine assured him everything was fine; they just needed him to take part in a few tests.

  “That’s when I first met you.” He said, pausing, tilting his head a bit more in my direction with his eyes adverted to the sky. “And the next memory I have, it’s of waking up in the horrible box.”

  The thought sends shudders throughout my body. I stand back up. “So they punished you? After…” I gulp as I search for the right words to say. “…everything they did to your family? That’s awful. It doesn’t make any sense.”

  Liam’s back heaves as he takes a breath. “No, apparently it wasn’t called punishment in their eyes… although, it definitely felt that way. According to Gavin, they had plans to add me to their army so they were in process of conditioning me.”

  “Impetus has an army?” This thought astonishes me.

  He forces out a laugh. “I know, it sounds so strange. Yet it makes sense. You can’t tell me those bushes were going to keep us protected if anything happened.”

  I join in his laughter. “That’s a good point.” Then I realize, “Are those what the tin buildings are for?”

  “Yep. They go several layers deep with bunkers and weapons. They don’t have a military unit defined yet but they are working on it and apparently I was one of five recruits so far. They’re calling them extensions of the Lighthouse Guards.”

  Recruit. I remember hearing Doctor Bordine and that other mystery man talk about checking on the new recruit. That must have been when they had captured Liam.

  It’s so difficult to wrap my mind around any of this. “It just doesn’t seem real. Like all these stories… it can’t be the place that we used to call home.”

  “I know. I’m not sure it’s ever going to sink in. It goes much deeper even, Evangeline…” Liam’s voice trails off. “I’m still finding out new things every single day. The reality as we knew it… it wasn’t true. I keep holding on to this hope that maybe there were more real parts than lies. I’m just not sure. Every day I’m here, that hope falters more.”

  “Like what, Liam?” I suddenly feel desperate to know it all. “What lies are you discovering?”

  Liam’s shakes his head. “Gavin told me to not reveal too much, and I have to obey that. You’re still healing, you need time, and too much at once isn’t good for you.”

  Frustration. This feeling has been easy to define and I continue sensing it every time Liam brings up Gavin. It’s my immediate reaction. I don’t want Liam to think I’m weak and Gavin seems to keep painting that picture to him. “I can handle myself.” I say. “I appreciate Gavin but I’m stronger than he thinks I am.”

  “I know you’re strong.” Liam nods, his voice sounds slightly musical as though filled with admiration. “Just please know I can’t say more than I’m allowed. I have to respect Gavin. You can talk to him about the rest.”

  I sigh. Gavin wins again.

  “I can at least finish my story, if you would like for me to.”

  I wade a little closer to where Liam is sitting on the log to encourage him. “I want to hear everything you want to share.”

  After three days in the box chamber, Liam was set free by Gavin. In their escape to leave, Liam broke away from Gavin to the Clinic in effort to save his wife and baby, not knowing what had been planned for them.

  “Everyone was at that damn Ceremony.” He says angrily. He must be talking about the Futures Ceremony. So while I was being paired, Gavin was helping Liam escape…“I just walked right into the Clinic and to the back. No one was around. Not one nurse. There was an older lady lying in a bed but she was asleep and didn’t see me. I went to the room that Angela was supposed to be in and the bed was empty. In the room was a huge canister. I just knew…” His voice cracks. “I walked over and opened the canister and inside was her body. She was so white…”

  I freeze my movement, listening intently to his story. I’ve never seen a dead body before. I can’t fathom the horror
he must have felt.

  “And next to her was this tiny bundle wrapped up in a blanket with spots of blood on it. I knew that was my baby. Everything in me knew it. I unwrapped the blanket and inside was this beautiful baby boy…” I watch Liam’s back as it begins heaving fiercely. “They killed him, Evangeline. They didn’t even care. They just killed him.”

  “But why?” I didn’t mean to let it slip. Now wasn’t the time for questions. I have so many and they keep mixing with all of these new emotions and revelations.

  “Because he wouldn’t have survived in Impetus.” Liam angrily shakes his head. “Something was wrong with his eyes so he would have been born blind. Without feeling, there would have been no way for him to get around. They chose their damn Remedy lies over keeping him alive.” Sobs escape from Liam’s mouth. I want to comfort him but am aware I have no clothes on. I don’t want to ask him for a towel, so I stay in the water, remaining quiet and letting him grieve as much as he needs.

  Once he starts talking again, he tells me how Gavin had burst into the room in search of Liam and saw him holding the baby in his arms. Gavin dragged Liam out of the Clinic, allowing him to bring the baby’s body with them. Once in a safe spot outside of Impetus and closer to Rebirth, they stopped running long enough for Liam to be able to say goodbye to his son.

  “Gavin dug the grave while I sat there and cuddled this beautiful baby boy. He had these unbelievable crystal blue eyes. I closed the lids so he wouldn’t have to look at this forsaken world any longer. Gavin let me have a few minutes before we had to bury him. I named him Jack. At least Jack got a proper burial compared to whatever those monsters in Impetus were going to do to him.” Liam’s head droops further. His hands cover his face so I can barely make out the words when he says, “You should have seen him. He was absolutely beautiful.”

  Gavin had later educated Liam that since his pairing had conceived at such a later age than most in the Community, Remedy had become more harmful with the infection that already rested inside of her. Unfortunately, she had passed that onto the baby.

  The Doctor knew about halfway through the pregnancy that the baby had contracted the same infection which had caused the blindness to become more evident in the tests. Since Angela could no longer be counted on to give birth without passing on continuous infections, the Board made the decision to terminate them both and work to convert Liam into a soldier.

  “The worst part is that I buried my baby son while feeling. I know what you think you are going through now is hard, Evangeline. But wait until you learn what love is and have to say goodbye to somebody that is a genuine part of who you are. I hope you never have to experience that but I can tell you, there are feelings far worse than withdrawal. However, there are also emotions far better like when you are staring into your own son’s eyes, holding on to him and feeling that love for the very first time.”

  I become quite aware that my situation is nothing compared to what Liam had to go through. I suddenly feel guilty recalling my outburst to him days earlier and how I had shouted that I didn’t kill his baby. I’m sure I made him think of all of this by bringing it up in such a terrible way.

  “I’m so sorry, Liam…” I start to say.

  Liam interrupts me. “It’s the past, Evangeline. There’s nothing I can do about it except make sure the future is nothing like that. And trust me; I will do whatever it takes.”

  CHAPTER 22

  The silence that followed Liam sharing his story with me was equally as momentous as hearing what happened to him. In that stillness, I could sense his vulnerability, and a mixture of deep pain and indescribable yearning filled the air. At first, I thought it was an internal reaction but then I noticed Liam’s back stiffen as he sits up straighter as though the wind caught the drift and encompassed both of us together in it.

  I start walking towards him, moving silently in the water, a part of me debating whether I should ask him to turn around and look at me. Before I can open my mouth, Liam says, “We should get back to everyone else.”

  My shoulders slump in disappointment. I don’t know what I had in mind for next steps, but going back to Rebirth and interrupting this moment we are sharing isn’t my first choice.

  Liam places the towel on the log, and walks away to the edge of the trees, giving me privacy to get out of the water. I climb out over the edge, grab the towel and dry off as best as possible. Searching in the bag, I find the change of clothes that Marlena provided. I slip on the undergarments, pair of black jeans, plain white t-shirt, and sneakers. It’s amazing how much a bath and change of clothes can make me feel like a whole new person. It’s like I have more strength than even earlier this morning.

  Liam and I walk back to Rebirth in silence, his arm around my waist as a crutch just in case I need it. Marlena is the first one we see when we enter through the opening. My first reaction is to avoid eye contact and walk back to my cot with Liam. Instead she yells, “Hey, good morning guys!” and jogs over with her perfect ponytail bouncing behind her once again.

  “Was that your first bath since you’ve been here, Evangeline?” She reaches out to touch my wet hair. “Doesn’t the water feel magnificent here?”

  I nod. “I think any sort of water would feel incredible at this point.” I reply.

  She giggles, realizing the irony in it. “Hey, let me help you with your hair. I’m sure it’s hard to do right now and you don’t need to be walking around with it wet all morning.”

  Before I can protest, Marlena puts her arm around my waist on the opposite side of Liam. She winks at him and says, “I got her from here. You go on and play with the rest of the boys.”

  Liam hesitates for a moment but then lets his hand drop from my waist. Turning to face me, he whispers, “Let me know if you need anything else, okay? I’ll see you later.”

  I give a small wave in acknowledgement, feeling a little sad that he’s walking away. He opened up so much this morning and since I couldn’t find the right words to say or things to do, there is a bit of an empty sensation to our conversation ending in this way.

  Marlena’s voice soon fills the silence in the air as she pulls me with her as she walks, pointing out several people mulling about Rebirth, telling me their names and what they’re like and how she wants me to meet them once I’m able to get around better. “You’re going to love it here.” She keeps repeating after every few lines.

  We finally stop walking as we arrive at a small square hut that’s outlined with flowers decorating the bamboo walls. I’m relieved for the break. It’s been the most walking I’ve consistently done so far and it’s hard for me to catch my breath. Marlena lets go of my waist, takes my hand and pulls me inside. “This is my place.” My heart stops. So this must be Gavin’s home too.

  The first thing I notice is the large grassy area in the back with several blankets on top and two pillows near the wall. That must be where they sleep. In that thought, the twinge of jealousy that occurs when Marlena is around sacks me hard in the stomach. The onset took a little longer today but there’s no denying it. I’m jealous of Marlena. I don’t know why it’s so strong. I guess I just don’t like the thought of Gavin’s attention being with someone else more than me. Or maybe there’s more to it. Every time I look at the bed, the pang is much worse even. They lay there together. Every single night.

  “Here,” She pulls a stump in the corner next to a mirror hanging on one wall. “Sit.”

  I obey, gently lowering myself to the stump. She picks up a brush from the tiny table in front of the mirror and pulls it carefully through my hair. I want to lean my head back and push into the bristles. The sensation is marvelous. I’ve brushed my own hair for years and never knew what it feels like. It’s so relaxing.

  “How are you doing so far? With getting past the withdrawal, that is.” Marlena asks. I knew a conversation would ensue but the brushing makes me want to close my eyes and forget reality for a while.

  “It’s tough.” I admit. “There are times I feel like
I can’t breathe because I don’t have access to Remedy.”

  “Yeah”, she says sympathetically. “It’s as much mental as it is physical after all these years of them making you believe you need it. You’ll get there, I promise. You simply need to put your focus on all of these new feelings that you get to experience. I know it’s easier said than done. It took me a while too.”

  Wait… Marlena used to be on Remedy as well? “You didn’t grow up here in Rebirth?”

  Marlena stops brushing my hair and walks in front of me, leaning back on the table. “You and Gavin haven’t had much of a chance to talk yet, huh?”

  I don’t respond. I’m still trying to work through what she said. She hasn’t always been a part of his community.

  “Gavin… he’s really special.” Marlena’s brown eyes sparkle. “He saved me too. He pretty much saved all of us.”

  I’m stunned at this revelation. Gavin saved everyone in Rebirth. So that’s what they mean by it being a new community. Then where is he from? And why is he saving everyone?

  I shake my head, trying to get through all of these questions swirling around. Marlena puts one hand on my shoulder. “I know it’s a lot to take in. If you want me to, I can share a little bit with you.”

  “Yes, please.” My voice is on the edge of begging. Any answers at this point are better than all the questions I have that don’t seem to be getting resolved at all.

  Marlena looks at me for a little bit, as though analyzing my face. Then gives a slight head nod with resolve and walks behind me again, taking a towel to my damp hair and pulling a brush through it again as she talks. “Gavin was born in Impetus.”

  My mouth drops open. I’m utterly stunned.

  I can hear her take a deep breath as though she’s debating on how much information she should reveal. “You remember hearing the legend about the boy who climbed the Lightstones?”