“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t need anything.”
He was quiet. “Did I do something? Are you angry with me? Do you want to break up or something?”
And there it was, so easy. All she had to say was yes, and she’d be free of him. She didn’t have any reason to lead him on, after all, if Heath wasn’t around. And her relationship with Eli had all been a sham. She’d only done it for his money. Now that she didn’t need that, she should end it.
“No, I don’t want to break up,” she said, her voice cracking.
“You don’t?”
She shook her head, then realized he couldn’t see her. “No.”
“Good, because I… I really miss you.”
“I guess you could come over if you wanted.” Guilt welled up in her. She really was the worst person in the history of the universe. She was dying inside because Heath was gone, and now she was using Eli as a bright distraction. All she did was use people.
“Yeah? Really?”
“Really.”
“I’ll be there soon.” He sounded so excited, like a puppy dog.
She shut her eyes. How was it that life kept happening even after everything important to her had been demolished?
1995
Cathy pumped at the keg and then put the trigger inside her red plastic cup. When she pushed, only a small trickle of amber liquid came out.
“Let me help you with that,” said a guy, coming over to pump the keg.
The stream began to pick up. “Thanks,” she said.
“You’re welcome,” he said. “I’m Trevor.”
“Cathy,” she said.
“You come to these parties often?”
“Oh, god no. I can’t stand fraternity parties. I got dragged here.” She winced. “Oh, you’re probably in this fraternity, aren’t you?”
“Actually, no,” said Trevor. “I’m, um, fraternity free. I got dragged here too.”
Her cup was full so she pulled it away.
Trevor stopped pumping. “I feel like I’ve seen you before, though.”
“Maybe on campus?”
“Maybe. What’s your major?”
“Business,” said Cathy. “You?”
“English Lit,” he said. “I think we’re on separate sides of the campus.”
“Well, who knows, then.” She shrugged.
“Did you come to the candlelight vigil for Kurt Cobain?” he asked.
She laughed. “No, I thought it was kind of hokey. I mean, he was a great musician and all, but I get don’t the idea of commemorating his death a year afterwards. People act like he was a religious leader or something.”
He clutched his chest. “You got me. I’m guilty. I’m actually a reverend of Cobainism. It’s better than Christianity, trust me.”
She laughed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insult you.”
“No, it’s okay,” said Trevor. “You’re not obsessed with Kurt Cobain. That’s a good thing. Everyone should be a little bit well rounded. Let me guess, you’re a gangsta rap kind of girl.”
“What? Little white bread me?” she said. “I don’t think so.”
“It’s amazing Kurt’s the one dead and not Tupac or Coolio, though, huh? They’re always rapping about shooting each other.”
She laughed again. “You don’t like gangsta rap?”
He shrugged. “I think it’s misogynist. Calling women bitches and hos. I’d never do something like that.”
“Yes, you seem like a perfect gentleman, Trevor.”
“Would you like to find out?”
“Find out?”
“Go out with me,” he said. “On a date.”
“Oh!” She turned away, embarrassed. “That’s so sweet, but—”
“But you’ve got a boyfriend.”
She nodded. “We’ve been together for two years.”
“Two years?” He shook his head. “You kidding me? I totally took you for a freshman.”
“Oh, I am.” She raised her eyebrows. “High school sweethearts.”
“Get out of here.”
“It’s true,” she said.
“That’s never going to last,” said Trevor. “When you dump him, come find me, okay? I’ll help you get over the breakup by making you a Nirvana mix tape.”
She laughed, looking away.
“I’m joking,” said Trevor. “Well, mostly, anyway. It was nice to meet you, Cathy.” He offered her his hand.
She took it. “Nice to meet you too.”
“This sweetheart of yours here tonight?”
“Yeah.” She pointed. “Over there. The blond.”
Trevor cocked his head. “Right. All-American. Looks like he just stepped right out of the 1950s.”
“What?” Cathy arched an eyebrow. “He does not.”
Trevor shoved his hands in his pockets. He fixed her with a mock-serious stare. “So I guess you’re in love with him, huh?”
Cathy peered down into her beer. “Of course.”
* * *
The door to Cathy’s dorm room swung open. “No sock on the door for once,” said her roommate Nelly. “I swear, you and Eli have more sex than is natural.”
Sticking a sock on the outside doorknob was the way Cathy communicated to Nelly that she and Eli were using the room to have sex. They almost always did it in her room, because Eli’s roommate wasn’t easy to get along with.
Cathy was sprawled out on her bed—the top bunk—with her biology textbook. This was going to be her last science final ever, since she was completing her requirements, and she was glad to kiss the entire subject goodbye. Freshman year had been a lot like high school, continued.
She didn’t even look at Nelly. “You shouldn’t talk, Miss I-Don’t-Remember-His-Name.”
“That was one time. I remember all my other sexual partner’s names.”
A pillow hit Cathy smack in the middle of the back of her head. She laughed and tossed it back to Nelly. “All of them,” she teased.
Nelly threw herself down on the bottom bunk. “I guess you’ve only ever been with Eli.”
“No,” said Cathy. “There was someone else.”
“Oh, two boys,” said Nelly. “Well, well. Haven’t you been a naughty girl?”
Cathy peered over the edge of the bed. “I’m trying to study here. I have a final exam tomorrow. It is finals week, you know.”
“Yes, that’s why I was at a party,” said Nelly. “The thing that normal college students do during finals week.”
Cathy rolled her eyes. “I was at a party earlier. And now I’m studying. So try to keep it down.”
“Excuse me,” said Nelly. “I didn’t realize you were being so collegiate.”
Cathy decided to keep her mouth shut. Maybe if she did, then Nelly would be quiet too.
No such luck. “So, who was this dark horse contender that preceded Eli? He did precede Eli, right? You weren’t banging them at the same time?”
Cathy covered her face with her hands. What Nelly didn’t know… “I don’t want to go into it.”
“Did you lose your virginity to him?”
She sighed. “Yes.”
“Was it awful?”
Cathy laughed. “No, it wasn’t awful. It was… intense.”
Nelly sighed. “Oh, of course it was. Because it’s always intense when you’re in high school. Everything’s intense. Like you can kiss for hours and hours on end, and you think that if he doesn’t call you, the world will end.”
Cathy turned the page in her textbook. “What do you care, anyway? Was your first time awful?”
“Are you joking? Terrible,” said Nelly. “It was with Marty Lansky, and he had braces. And he hunted around for my clitoris for like hours and still never found it. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was on the wrong continent.”
Cathy laughed. “Eli was kind of dumb about that too. Eventually, I had to speak up. Now, he’s well trained.”
“Eli was? What about the boy who
took your maidenhead?”
“My maidenhead,” Cathy snorted. “Like it’s some epic novel from the 1800s.”
“Well? Did he know where your clitoris was?”
“Um…” Cathy smiled. “He was good at listening to my noises, I think. We were really in sync with each other.”
“Really?” Nelly pulled herself off the bottom bunk so that she was standing up. She propped her elbows on Cathy’s bed. “So, what happened to him?”
Cathy shrugged. “He left town. We got in a fight, and he ran off, and…”
“No shit. He left town because of you?”
“I don’t want to talk about this,” said Cathy, feeling uncomfortable. She hadn’t thought about Heath in ages. Trust Nelly to bring him back up now, right when she needed to be concentrating on studying biology.
Nelly put a hand over her mouth. “Oh my god, you’re not over him, are you? You still totally have it bad for that guy.”
“Stop it,” said Cathy, glaring at her. “And I do not. Eli and I are very happy together.”
“What was his name?”
Cathy sighed. “Heath. Heath Galloway.”
“Whoa,” said Nelly. “That’s just so tragic. It is like a novel.”
“It isn’t,” said Cathy. “It’s just… life. Now will you leave me alone? I really need to study.”
“Sure, fine,” said Nelly. “I’m heading to the bathroom anyway.”
She left the room.
Cathy rubbed her forehead. Jesus. All Nelly had to do was bring that crap up, and she suddenly felt it all weighing down on her again, like she was being crushed under an anvil. Damn it.
She tried to concentrate on her textbook, but the words looked like something in a foreign language.
The door opened again. “Hey Cathy, you have any tampons?” asked Nelly.
“Sure,” said Cathy. “Bottom drawer of my dresser.”
“Thanks,” said Nelly. “I hate when it surprises you like that.”
Cathy nodded.
Then she sat up straight on her bed. When was the last time she got her period?
* * *
Cathy pounded on the door to Eli’s dorm room. “Eli? We need to talk.”
The door opened. It wasn’t Eli. It was his roommate, bible-thumping Joseph. Cathy sighed.
“Well, hello there, Cathy,” said Joseph. “I’m so happy to see you. Eli’s not here right now, and I feel like that might be a sign from the Lord above for me to witness to you today.”
“No thanks, Joseph,” she said. “Do you know where Eli is?”
“I don’t know,” said Joseph. “Let me ask you a question of my own. Do you know what the bible says about pre-marital sex?”
“Can you tell him that I need to talk to him?”
“You and Eli engage in immoral behavior, as I’m sure you’re aware. And there will be consequences for sin in this life. But they’re nothing compared to the consequences you’ll suffer in the next life. When you’ll be thrown in the lake of fire for fornication.”
She smiled tightly. “Thank you, Joseph. As usual, you’re just filled with the love of Christ.” She turned on her heel and walked away.
“Turn from your sinful ways, Cathy. Repent,” he called after her.
She gave him the finger.
“You flipping off my roommate?” Eli was coming up the stairs. He was grinning. He had rows of perfect white teeth. His blond hair was longer now—no more spikes. Instead he had a bowl cut, his hair falling just to his cheekbones.
“Eli,” she said. “We need to talk.”
“What’d you say to her, Joseph?” Eli yelled. “You know we talked about how telling people they’re going to hell isn’t exactly polite.”
She grabbed his arm. “Leave it. Let’s go on a drive or something.”
He let her lead him. “You’re really shaken up. What’s wrong?”
She shook her head. “Not here. I don’t want anyone to hear.”
Eli’s car was in the freshman parking lot, all the way on the other side of campus. They trekked there without talking. She walked so fast that they were both out of breath, and Eli couldn’t talk even if he wanted to.
When they got to the car, she held out her hand. “Keys.”
“Cathy, you seem upset. You sure you should drive?”
“Driving will calm me,” she said.
He dug the keys out of his pocket and handed them to her.
Then they were pulling out of campus. Cathy went a block and then they came to a stop light. She looked ahead at the rows of stop lights. Goddamn it, why had she come to college in a city? All she wanted right now was a nice country road somewhere, with twists and turns. And—even though she hadn’t had one in over a year—a cigarette. Of course, she really couldn’t have a cigarette.
She pulled over. “You drive.”
Eli looked at her. “Okay.”
She got out of the car and walked over to the other side.
When they’d switched, Eli pulled on his seatbelt in the driver’s side. “You know, one of the things that I love about you is that you always keep me on my toes. But I have to admit, I’m at a little bit of a loss right now.”
She leaned her head against the headrest. “Remember that time the condom broke, and you said there was spermicide on, it so it was no big deal?”
Eli had just started to pull the car back onto the road. It lurched, and he looked at her. “What?”
“I’m pregnant, Eli.”
He pulled the car over again. “What?”
She opened up her purse and tossed a pregnancy test at him.
He caught it clumsily, turning it over. “What does this mean?”
“It means pregnant,” she said. “That’s what.”
“But that thing with the condom, it was… a long time ago.”
“Yeah, I haven’t had my period since then. Because that’s how it works, Eli. You come inside me, and then your sperm swim all the way up into my—”
“I know how it works.” He was still staring at the pregnancy test.
“Fuck,” said Cathy.
“Maybe this is wrong,” said Eli. “Like maybe the test is wrong.”
“It’s not,” she said. She pulled two more tests of her purse. “It came in a pack of three. I tried all of them.”
Eli took the other tests from her. He held all three of them up in front of his face, blinking. His Adam’s apple bobbed.
“Say something,” she said.
He turned wide blue eyes on her. He sputtered. He didn’t say anything.
* * *
“Well, we’ll get married,” Eli said. They were driving again. Cathy had taken her last final the day before, and she was convinced that she’d blown it, considering the circumstances. But now the semester was over, and they’d been turned out of the dorms. She and Eli had packed up all their stuff, and they were headed home for the summer.
“Married?” said Cathy. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t want to marry me?”
“I…” She sighed. “I don’t not want to marry you. I just don’t want to marry you because I’m knocked up.”
“If we’re going to have a baby together, we should be married, though, right?”
“We don’t have to be,” she said. “Maybe we could wait. It just seems stressful, trying to plan a wedding and get ready for a baby all at the same time.”
“I guess that makes sense,” said Eli.
“It’s 1995,” she said. “We don’t have to get married.”
“Okay,” he said. “So we don’t get married.”
She rested her head against the window. They were on the interstate, and outside all she could see were cars and exhaust smoke. “Matt’s going to kill me. He’s going to be so mad at me. I feel like such an idiot. What a total hick thing to do. Get pregnant at eighteen.”
“Hey,” he said. “This is not our fault. We were careful.”
“I should have gone on birth control,” she said. “You wanted m
e to go on birth control. If I had listened to you—”
“You had very valid points about hormones and stuff,” said Eli. “Condoms should have been sufficient.”
She closed her eyes.
He reached over to grab her hand. “Cathy, I’m sorry if I’ve been freaked out about this. But I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere, and we’re going to figure this out.”
She bit her lip. “You promise?”
“I promise.”
She sniffed. She felt on the brink of tears all the time ever since she’d found out. She guessed it was hormones or something. “You haven’t even brought up the idea of my getting rid of it.”
He put his hand back on the steering wheel. “You mean like an abortion.”
“Yeah. Do you want me to get one?”
“No,” he said. “I don’t. At all.”
She swallowed.
“I mean I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to,” he said. “But… I mean, I’m no bible-thumping Joseph or anything, but I was kind of raised to think that it was... But if you want to get one, I’ll support you. I’ll help you.”
“I don’t want to,” she said. It was difficult to explain. In a theoretical sense, she’d considered abortion as a necessity before, but now that she knew she was pregnant, it was different somehow. She already felt connected to the tiny being growing in her womb. She wanted to protect it.
“Okay,” he said. “Then we’re doing this. I love you, Catherine Earnshaw, and I want us to have babies.”
“One baby,” she said. “And last I checked, I think I’m the only one who’s actually having it.” She rested her head on his shoulder.
He kissed the top of her head.
They sped down the interstate, heading back to West Virginia.
* * *
Cathy surveyed the kitchen, sink overflowing with dirty dishes, every available inch of counter space piled with empty beer cans or bottles. They were stacked in the corners as well. The overhead light flickered, and the room smelled putrid.
“Matt?” she called.
She backed out of the kitchen and went up the steps to Matt’s old bedroom.
He was lying there, face down, passed out. Gage was sitting on the floor in a pair of underwear. He had some crayons and a coloring book, but he was coloring more of the floor than the paper. At least the little boy looked clean. However, it didn’t look like his hair had been cut in months.
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