Island Souls

by Susie Cass

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.

  ‘So, I’ve answered your question. Can we get on with the rest of the interview now?’ He didn’t acknowledge her pity. And she wanted to bite back the words. Of course he wouldn’t welcome her pity.

  ‘Yes, yes of course.’ She went and sat down at the table like a chastised child. And that’s exactly how she felt. How had she thought she had any right to delve into this man’s life, his secrets? Shame formed a ball of knots in the bottom of her stomach.

  JJ sat down opposite her and started asking more questions, as if things like this happened every day. He asked her how long she’d been studying karate, and how it made her feel when she practiced it. She answered the questions candidly, her brain on autopilot. But she couldn’t keep a small part of her mind from dissecting the information he’d given her. Little pieces of the puzzle surrounding JJ started to fall into place. He’d been married while he was in the SEALs, but less than six months after he left the navy, his marriage had disintegrated. And then soon after, his career in TV had started to take shape. The media blamed his rise to stardom for the marriage break-up. But now she knew better. PTSD often did that to marriages.

  She’d become something of an expert on PTSD. After her rape. But she found that much of the writing on PTSD out there was just rhetoric, a term applied readily to anyone who’d experienced trauma. While in truth only a few people genuinely qualified as suffering from the condition. And she hadn’t been one of them. Instead she’d been a survivor. She’d learned to cope, taken up karate to regain her strength, her internal will to live, and she’d kept going. But JJ? How had he coped with such massive anguish and shock? Obviously, on the face of things he’d coped fine. But the man he kept buried deep, sheltered from everyone else? How had he fared?

  Letting none of her thoughts show and keeping the bland grin on her face, she continued to answer his questions without guile, even the ones that were more than a little personal. But she noticed he regarded her with a wary glance now and then, when he thought she wasn’t looking. He was probably wondering what she was going to do with the information he’d just offered. Was she going to use it against him? She wanted to tell him an emphatic no. But she couldn’t bring the words past her lips.

  Sooner than she thought possible, the interview started to come to a close. JJ thanked her for her honest answers and she stood up to shake his hand.

  His hand was warm and large when he pressed it against hers. Pleasurable. Safe. His gaze locked onto her face. There were tiny flecks of amber scattered in the chocolate fudge colour of his irises. Why hadn’t she noticed that before?

  ‘Right then, go and pack your bag, Rosa. You’re on a plane out of LA tonight.’

  ‘Really?’ She was so shocked she forgot to let go of his hand.

  ‘Yes, really. No mucking around here. You’ll be on the island by this time tomorrow.’ Shivers of anticipation ran down her spine, and she gave him a goofy grin.

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘Do you mind if I have my hand back now?’ His tone was polite but there was something unfathomable in his gaze.

  ‘Oh, sorry.’ She released his hand with a jerk. Then she lowered her gaze. ‘I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you … that.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have answered if I didn’t want to.’ His cryptic reply made her purse her lips in confusion.

  ‘I’ll see you on the other side,’ he said, ushering her towards the door. ‘I think you’ll do well.’ The last words were said so softly, she almost didn’t hear them as the door closed behind her.

  CHAPTER THREE

  ‘We’ll just wait for the stragglers,’ JJ said as he flashed everyone a winning smile. Most of the contestants already stood around in a semi-circle on a large blue mat the crew had positioned in the shade of a towering coconut tree. Even in the shade the heat was unbearable, and JJ had to resist the urge to pull the fabric of his t-shirt away from the small of his back, where it was now plastered with sweat. At least the crew tried to accommodate his comfort where they could. Today they’d found the deepest shade on the beach and put his mark right here. This small island off the Thai coastline was picture perfect as far as deserted islands went. A wide swath of white sand unfolded in front of them, meeting the gently swishing waves as they lapped musically onto the shoreline. If he were on holiday right now, he’d be loving this balmy weather. But the heat and humidity were taxing in any other conditions and only added to the stress of getting this first episode up and running smoothly.

  The last three contestants dragged themselves and their sodden bags up the beach towards the mat. A large, florid man, Glen was the last to leave the water. He’d stood on the edge of the boat after everyone else had jumped in for minutes on end, until JJ wondered if he might not go at all. Which would’ve meant immediate elimination. Two other women struggled with their larger-than-average bags up the sand in front of him. Susan and Phoebe. JJ already guessed neither of them would get far in this game.

  It had started. The game was on. The eighteen contestants had dived off two tiny boats bobbing out at sea and swum the last couple hundred metres to the island. Their first test. But definitely not their last. And not their hardest, either.

  As he waited he couldn’t stop his gaze as it drifted over to where Rosa stood in the middle of the group, dwarfed by most of the others, her tiny stature easily lost in the milling throng. But he knew exactly where she was. As if some kind of internal radar kept him honed in on her every second of the day. How was she going to fare in the game? He still couldn’t come to a decision about her. She’d been one of the first women out of the water, coming in behind another petite woman, Cilla, and not too far behind some of the other, much larger men. Proving already that she was a force to be reckoned with.

  ‘Right, we’re all here now. Let’s make a start,’ JJ said, making a pretence of counting heads. ‘Welcome to Thailand. This is Ko Mae Ko Island and it’ll be your home – for some of you at least – for the next thirty-five days.’ He opened his arms in an expansive gesture, watching all their faces. Some smiled enthusiastically, while a couple of them frowned, staring at the forest around them with unguarded scorn. Anyone who underestimated the jungle wouldn’t last long out here. Rosa had the widest grin of all. That internal light of hers was on high-wattage today. That smile; he had to stop his own lips from lifting in an answering grin. She was just so … enthusiastic about everything. Almost the complete opposite to him.

  ‘First of all, let’s introduce ourselves. You, down the end of the line, why don’t you start? Tell us your name and what you do for a living.’ JJ indicated a tall Asian man with a gap-toothed smile.

  JJ only half-listened as everyone introduced themselves, his gaze kept wandering back to Rosa. She was still dripping wet. Her dark hair, which normally stood out around her head, was now plastered to the sides of her face. She was small but perfectly proportioned, almost elfin in her look. She still wore the capris and the same t-shirt from the day before, when he’d interviewed her. She’d been the second to last contestant to be interviewed, then they’d all jumped straight on a plane and landed in Thailand this morning.

  JJ shifted his weight ever so slightly, readjusting his stance in the soft sand. The sweat ran freely down his back now, one of the reasons he preferred his signature colour black for most of his clothing. It hid any signs of sweat or discomfort. The media had him pegged as Mr Cool, but that was just the persona he chose to convey to the outside world. Seven years in the SEALs had taught him all he needed to know about self-control, keeping his emotions on a tight rein.

  The urge to lift his fedora and wipe the sweat forming beneath it was almost unbearable. He drew in a deep lungful of the humid air. Rosa’s voice broke the hush over the beach and his concentration snapped back to the row of people standing in front of him.

  ‘Hi everybody.’ She turned and gave an enthusiastic wave to the people who stood next to her. ‘I’m Rosa, and I’m a graphic artist.’ She be
amed her one-hundred-watt smile again. ‘Isn’t this just great.’ Giving a little jump in the air, Rosa couldn’t contain her joy. ‘We’re all going to have so much fun together.’ JJ noticed one of the big guys at the back of the group roll his eyes. But another man, standing right next to Rosa—JJ racked his brain for a second before coming up with the name, Hayden—turned his own equally warm smile towards her. Hayden was of medium height, wiry but strong, good looking with a dark mop of hair and bright hazel eyes. Eyes that were now firmly fixed on Rosa. And she was smiling right back at him. There was a sudden burning sensation in JJ’s stomach, like someone had struck a match inside him. He listened to the last two contestants state their names and relevant facts with his teeth clenched tightly together.

  When the last one finished, he said with an unintentional growl, ‘Thanks everyone. Now, before we start dividing into teams, I have a little task for you to complete.’ Quite a few heads snapped in his direction at his words. ‘There’re certain items you’ll need to make your stay on this island easier. Some of them are essential, others a bit more of a luxury.’ He paused and lifted a hand to point to a deeply shaded area at the back of the beach. ‘If you look over there, you’ll see a large wooden corral. On my go, you’re all going to run over there and garner as many items as you can. Ready?’

  JJ raised his arm and counted them down from three. They all sped off over the sand towards the corral. JJ’s gaze found one particular racing form and bored into Hayden’s back, perturbed to see the man was quick and light on his feet. JJ lowered his eyebrows and scowled. Hayden was the second person to turn into the corral and he stopped to glance around and identify what objects held most worth. He stumbled as he took off towards a dark corner, only righting himself at the last second, leaving JJ wishing fervently that the man had fallen flat on his face instead. JJ blinked and unclenched the hands that’d suddenly turned to fists at his side. What was going on? It took him a few seconds to identify the emotion swirling through his chest. Oh Jesus. No. He couldn’t be. He couldn’t be jealous. Jealous of a contestant. And yet? A self-deprecating laugh rumbled in his throat. He needed to be unbiased in everything that happened on the show. Never before had he wished ill on any of the contestants. Normally he viewed them all with an objective eye. He couldn’t afford to play favourites.

  How could Rosa be having that much effect on him? Making him jealous of one of the other players. The other guy had only looked at her once, for Christ’s sake. This’d never happened before. And it wasn’t about to happen now, either. Rule number one. It was his mantra for the rest of the day.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Rosa stumbled back to the blue mat, her haul held tight in her arms. She’d managed to score a small bag of dried herbs—which didn’t seem like much now, but they’d all be craving this extra taste sooner rather than later—a hammer, a chisel and a couple of small kitchen knives. Not the most sought after items, not nearly as valuable as the machete she’d seen one of the other girls carrying, but essential nonetheless. This was so much fun. She wanted to pinch herself, just to make sure she was actually playing this game.

  The island was gorgeous. Everything she’d imagined it would be and more. The humid air flowed past her skin, bathing her in the tropical warmth. Sweat beaded on her forehead, but she didn’t mind. The heat, the sweat, the sand beneath her toes was all part of this wonderful experience.

  Taking the time to regain her breath, she found a vacant spot on the mat to stand where she wasn’t jostled by the other contestants. Waiting for the last two people to join them, she couldn’t help it. Her eyes slid over to JJ.

  He looked as good today as he had in the interview yesterday. No, scratch that. Better. His shoulders were back and impossibly square. The sight of his ruggedly handsome face sent a tiny shiver through her belly. His black muscle-shirt was stretched over his torso, highlighting those large muscles to their full potential and his designer black jeans covered his impressive thighs like a sheath. The trademark black fedora hat sat at a jaunty angle on top of his immaculately shaved head. JJ reminded her of a well-dressed rock star, but she knew better than that. Had peeked through a tiny window and seen a piece of this man’s soul, and was amazed and humbled by what she’d seen.

  And that’s where the problem lay. She was captivated, hooked. She wanted to see more. See more of the man JJ kept closed off from the rest of the world. But he was forbidden to her. He was the host of this show. Would be her lifeline to the outside for the next month or so and had total control over how her situation here would play out. There would be no fraternisation between crew and contestants, that much had been made abundantly clear at their first audition.

  Had the interview only been yesterday afternoon? Her thoughts zeroed in on the same problem that’d niggled her on the whole flight over to Thailand. JJ had neglected to ask her the most basic of questions yesterday. The question she’d been expecting, waiting for. Why had she auditioned for Sea Quest in the first place?

  She’d formulated a myriad of stock-standard answers ready to fire at him. First and foremost, she’d tell him she wanted to win. Well, duh! What would she use the money for? To help her family, of course. Which was also true. Her sister and brother in law were expecting their third child and it was hard, relying on his wage as a administration clerk in some dingy office in downtown LA. They needed a new car to replace their old Dodge. A new pram for the baby, instead of the second-hand one that’d already seen them through the first two children. Any financial assistance she could give would be much appreciated. And her parents could also do with a few more little luxuries in their life. They hadn’t been on a holiday in as long as she could remember. Her father still worked as a mechanic at the local car dealership, he couldn’t afford to retire anytime soon. Her family weren’t completely destitute, but the words doing it tough did come to mind.

  Then there was the notion lots of people sprouted when they were interviewed afterwards about their Sea Quest adventure. They’d wanted to come on the show to prove something to themselves. That they could do it. They’d always been huge fans of the show and they knew in their heart of hearts they could do it better than any of the other contestants yet. Pah, most of those types were arrogant ignoramuses’. But she could easily have said that to JJ as well. Would he have believed her?

  So why had she come? It was a question she’d been actively avoiding. But deep down, buried under a pile of rubble in her psyche, she knew why. And it wasn’t something she ever would’ve admitted to JJ, even if he’d asked.

  Thomas had left her a little over eleven months ago. Walked out of her apartment one morning before she’d even had a chance to drink her first cup of coffee. As he’d packed his bag he’d talked in a very calm, controlled voice, telling her he was leaving because there was no other choice. He’d tried so hard to make her love him, but there was no hope for her. She was a cold-hearted bitch, who didn’t really care about him. That wasn’t true. She did love him. In her own way. Thomas had a penchant for the overly dramatic. He was also self-indulgent and suffered from a case of mummy’s-boy syndrome. So she wasn’t that surprised, or even hurt to see him go. But something he’d said did strike a chord deep down inside. Why couldn’t she seem to make any relationship stick? It wasn’t for lack of trying on her part. There’d been a string of relationships over the past eleven years, some of them even lasting as long as a couple of years.

  So why couldn’t she find a keeper? Her soul mate. A man who fitted into her life like a key in a lock. Someone to love her for who she was.

  Because there was a piece of her missing. As if that rapist had done more than just physically abuse her. As if he’d taken a knife, and while he was shoving himself inside her again and again, had also quietly sliced away a piece of her heart with every heaving thrust.

  So why did she think being marooned on a deserted island, forced to fight for survival and endure the worst the elements could throw at a person would help her find that missing piece? She wasn�
��t really sure of the answer. But JJ had been right to ask that first question in the interview. He’d come closer to the target than even he might’ve suspected. The reason she was on this island right now was because of that rapist. To try and find whatever it was he’d taken away from her.

  JJ started to speak, and Rosa tried to tune into what he was saying but she found it impossible not to watch those firm, full lips of his as he spoke. Impossible not to wonder what those lips would feel like on hers.

  ‘These items will become very important to you in the next step of the game, which is sorting out our two teams.’ Murmurs came from the people standing behind her at his news. ‘With age comes wisdom and so I’ll be choosing the two oldest contestants to become our temporary team leaders.’

  The two oldest members were chosen by JJ and the crew put down two mats on the sand; one red, one purple. The man selected to lead the red-mat team was called Jason Paige. Rosa liked him straight away. Even though JJ announced he was sixty-two years old, he was in good condition for his age. The other team leader was an African American woman, called Alisha, who gave out the I’m everyone’s mother vibe. But there was a shrewdness behind those dark eyes of hers. Rosa liked her, too.

  Then the team-pick began. Jason chose a very large, very black man named Dane first. He was a fire-fighter and filled that stereotype completely. Big, strong, heroic. Then Alicia also chose a large, good-looking man as her first pick. Okay, so that’s how it was going to go. School-yard picks nearly always went the same way. Brawn always chosen over brains, especially at this early stage of the game. And Rosa was all right with that. She’d known people would underestimate her right from the start. People would judge her tiny stature well before they bothered to find out what she might actually be capable of. She plastered a dignified smile on her face and waited. And waited. Until she was one of only three people left standing on the mat. Then finally the Chinese man, Ben Zheng chose her for Jason Paige’s team. At least she now had a team, a place she could call home. She kissed, or hugged, or high-fived all of her new team members, feeling her heart leap in her chest. She loved meeting new people. A definite strength for her in this game. This show was as much about the social game as it was about the physical. Wrapping her arms around her chest to try and contain her excitement—trying to keep her feverish anticipation under wraps, at least for now, she didn’t want to scare people—she allowed herself a small grin instead.