“Hey baby, please don’t cry. I’m okay. If they bother you, I’ll cover up.” My eyes snapped open then.
“No,” I croaked. “I hate thinking of you hurt, and I hate thinking about what it’s like over there, how easily you could have been taken away from this world too, but you don’t have to hide your scars from me. They’re a beautiful reminder of how precious this life is. They’re a part of you.” I leaned forward and softly kissed the largest one on his side.
He looked down at me lovingly and I gazed up at him, equally enraptured. He swept his hand across my cheek. “You’re so beautiful, so fucking perfect,” he whispered, softly trailing his fingers down, across my heated flesh. I pulled his face down to mine and brushed my lips over his. He let out another ragged breath and then collapsed on me, burying his face in the crook of my neck. “We’re going too fast aren’t we?”
“I think so,” I sighed and ran my hand through his hair. I hated agreeing with him. My body was still crying out for more, begging me to let him take us all the way, but as the fog cleared from my brain, reason slowly returned and he was right. We’d been swept up in our desire, our need to be closer and connect. My emotions had completely taken over. I’d wanted him to drive away my sadness and fear. His entire family was downstairs as we lay there, more than half naked, and none of that had mattered in the moment, but it did matter.
“That was …” I wasn’t sure I had words for what that was, they just didn’t seem adequate.
“Intense,” Ace offered and then rolled off of me so that he was lying on his back, looking up at the ceiling.
“Yeah, that’s one word for it,” and it had been intense, very intense. My body was still burning up and my heart was like a kick drum being beat on by a drummer on crack.
“I’m sorry if I pushed you too far. I don’t ever want to make you feel pressured, I just – fuck if I can help myself. I want you so bad, but I’ll wait. I know we can’t rush this and I want to get it right. I want everything to be perfect for you because that’s what you deserve.”
I rolled onto my side to face him, and rested my hand on his chest. He rested his hand over it and turned so that he was facing me too. “I don’t feel pressured,” I told him. “This wasn’t just you tonight. I felt it too, I wanted it too. I want you. You are my perfect, but you’re right. It’s too fast. We need to take a step back. This is all still so new.”
“So we should probably get dressed before I lose my mind and attack you again, because those panties and that bra are doing things to me that make it really hard to remember why I need to be a good guy.”
I quickly pulled my hand back and put a few inches between us so that I could pull one of the rumpled sheets up to cover me. “Umm yeah, you should get dressed first and then leave so I can.”
He chuckled and hopped up off the bed. He bent down to grab his jeans and shirt, providing me with a very nice view of his backside in his boxer briefs. He caught me admiring it and tossed my own shirt at me, hitting me in the face and covering my head with the soft fabric. I swiped it away from my face, but he was already pulling his jeans up and buttoning them. It was a shame that any of his beautiful body had to be covered, ever, but it was probably a good thing or I’d want to jump him every second of every day.
Once he was dressed, he walked back over to where I was still hiding beneath the sheet and touched his lips to my cheek before turning and leaving me alone in the room to dress. When I rejoined him downstairs, I was convinced that one look at me and everyone in the house would know what we’d been up to. I felt my cheeks heat and I tried my best to act cool and collected, even though my nerves were still tingling. Ace however was the picture of cool. He had a beer in his hand and was chatting with his uncle and some of his cousins like he hadn’t been about to devour me upstairs five minutes ago.
His eyes met mine across the room, and the look he gave me said that he knew exactly where my mind was at and it only made me blush harder. I brushed past him to escape to the kitchen, where hopefully I could pull myself together.
The rest of the night consisted of sneaking glances, knowing smirks, discreet touches and the memory of what almost happened, what a part of me wished had happened. I craved him, ached for him. It was almost too much. It thrilled and terrified me. It had been years since I had felt anything so strongly and passionately, but I knew it was dangerous. It burned between us brightly, like a flame, offering heat and comfort, but we had to be careful how we stoked it. It wouldn’t take much for it to become out of control and all consuming, burning us up until there was nothing left. Too much fire on its own was never a good thing, even when it felt so good and right.
I wanted more than physical intimacy with him. I wanted everything with him. I knew I loved him. It was undeniable, but there was still so much we needed to discover about each other. Things that would hopefully only bring us closer, make us stronger. I felt like I needed to share the rest of my past with him before we took that step. I didn’t want to enter into a physical relationship with any secrets between us, but I just wasn’t ready to open that door yet.
I didn’t really know what sex was to Ace, what it meant to him. That was another conversation we needed to have before we took it any farther. I didn’t even know how many partners he’d had, but I knew it was a lot more than my two. I also knew that a lot of those, or almost all of those, had been very casual hook ups. I didn’t know where exactly I stood on the morality side of it, but I didn’t think sex was meaningless or that there could ever really be anything casual about an act that intimate.
Yeah, we definitely had to have a talk and figure out where we both stood. I also wanted to ask Jax for advice since she’d been through a similar struggle with Kyden. I couldn’t deny the curiosity inside of me that wondered if there was something I was missing. I knew I believed that God existed, because there had to be a Heaven. The thought that there wasn’t, was too depressing, too devastating for me to consider in the face of all I had lost. I had to believe that the people we loved went someplace better when they left us.
I had lost so much, but maybe with Ace I had also found something. It would never completely erase my grief, or replace what I’d had or almost had, but it gave me hope. Maybe I could have amazing again, maybe I had another shot at this whole happily ever after thing.
Chapter 29
Ace
Another soft thwack sounded through the room and the card hit the floor. Spade threw another and the same thing happened. He frowned. “I don’t think these things are sharp enough to stick into anything.” He slid one across his finger and instantly winced and put his finger to his mouth where he had drawn blood with the throwing knife.
“They’re plenty sharp dumbass, you just can’t throw for shit.” I grabbed the rest of them from his hand and made another attempt at getting one to stick in the makeshift target we’d set up in the game room.
Ky, Sebastian, Chris, Danny and Shane were all here and we were crowded around in the center of the room, everyone anxious for the chance to throw the sharp objects. These cards were seriously fucking awesome, if only we could figure out how to stick the fuckers. I’d thrown throwing stars before, but these were a little different. We’d only been at it for about fifteen minutes. The first thing we’d done when everyone got to the house and I showed them the cards, was come up here. So far nobody had stuck one, but I was determined to get one of these bastards to stick in the target.
We all went back and forth, giving it our best shot, and after another ten minutes I had finally stuck one. Unfortunately it wasn’t in the target, but the wall. It was just minor damage that shouldn’t be too hard to patch up. I had a feeling it wouldn’t be that last time one of these things hit something it wasn’t supposed to, but I didn’t care. They were fun as hell.
“You guys planning on coming back down here, like ever again?” Jax hollered up the stairs.
“Not likely babe,” Ky answered her, “I’ve got to get some of these.” I was pretty
sure I heard Jax mumble something back about not bloody likely and Ky just chuckled. “Well if you guys don’t come down, then you can eat cold food.” I think collectively in our heads, we all weighed our need for food with how much fun these throwing knives were. Food won out, but barely, and as soon as we’d finished eating we would have gone right back up there if the girls hadn’t put a stop to our fun by insisting we exchange gifts in the group.
When I started pulling stuff out of the stocking they’d filled for me, I realized why they’d been so impatient. They thought they were so funny. I looked over at Ky and the rest of them and saw that they were pulling similar shit out of theirs.
“Ha. Ha,” I said, pulling on the beanie with the band’s name on it. “How do I look? Like a complete douchebag?”
“Yeah, pretty much,” Spade replied, holding up his own wristband and t shirt that had all of our faces on it. The girls were grinning, clearly pleased with themselves.
“Babe, not so funny,” Ky frowned at Jax, but she only giggled.
“Oh come on, it’s funny, and keep digging. There’s more and it you’ll like the rest.” She was right, and the further we dug, the better the stuff got, and there was a shit ton of candy which was awesome. None of it was as cool as the throwing stars and other stuff Sadie had given me when we exchanged presents at my parents’ this morning. I just hoped she liked the necklace and boots I’d gotten for her. Yes, I finally got her a pair of boots like Grandma’s.
After we finished with the gift exchange, Lucy and Shane were the first to head back home, shaking their heads at the boxes full of toys they had to load up. Izzy had really made out like a bandit. Shane was Jax’s brother but we all felt like uncles to that little girl and it was our job to spoil the crap out of her and then send her home. I think it had something to do with her cuteness. None of us were immune.
Lissa and Bas were the next to take off, and as much as I loved having everyone over and spending Christmas with all of my best friends, I was anxious for the day to be over so I could get Sadie alone. I still had to thank her properly for those throwing cards and everything else. I didn’t think it would have been appropriate to maul her in their living room in front of my parents, Grandma, my niece and nephews and everyone this morning, but that’s what I’d felt like doing.
What I had done to her last night, upstairs in my parents’ house, hadn’t exactly been appropriate either and fuck, I couldn’t even go there again. The image of her lying beneath me in almost nothing was one that would be burned into my mind for the rest of my life. It was the second time I’d had her under me and had to walk away, but this time was different. It wasn’t just that she was so gorgeous and had such an amazing body, although she did, but the love I’d seen in her eyes along with her desire had undone me. I don’t know how I stopped myself, because I knew she wanted me as much as I wanted her, and that was so hard to walk away from. So. Damn. Hard. In that moment, I’d wanted to blame Jax for getting inside my head, but I knew it wasn’t her fault. I had to do things different with Sadie, but it was going to be a serious test of my self control.
By the time Jax and Ky headed home, I was ready to pull Sadie into my arms and keep her there all night. Unfortunately that didn’t happen right away. Sadie wanted to spend time with Mia since we had to send her home in the morning. I was still surprised Sadie had talked their father into letting her stay this long, but neither one of them was looking forward to Mia having to leave.
Spade took off to go visit his sister and Danny had a shift at the radio station, the remaining four of us decided to watch a movie. We let Mia pick and she put in the first Hobbit movie since she hadn’t seen them. Sadie snuggled into my side and that left Mia and Chris to take up the rest of the couch, and Ivy at our feet. We’d left her with Jax while we were gone, and since Jax brought her home, she’d attached herself to Sadie. You’d think it had been a month and not two days. You’d also think she was Sadie’s dog, not mine, but that was okay with me. I liked thinking of Ivy as ours anyway.
Half way through the movie, I realized it was probably better that Mia was going home. I didn’t like the way I kept catching her sneaking glances at Chris. I think I was the only one who noticed, and I didn’t like what I saw. Whether it was just a little crush she had, or if she was actually entertaining thoughts about the two of them, it was no good. It was better that she get back to her normal life and get over it before it had the chance to turn into something more. She was a sweet kid and didn’t need to have her heart broken by Chris. He would never mean to, but he didn’t even seem to notice her attention so it would happen.
After the first movie ended, Mia was actually hooked and we put in the second. It was getting late though and she didn’t make it through the whole thing. Sadie fell asleep against me not long after. I gave her a gentle shake to make sure she was really out before looking over at Chris. “You know she has a crush on you right?” The look on his face told me that he wasn’t as unaware as I’d thought.
“Yeah,” he sighed, “I think it’s harmless though.”
“As long as you know so you don’t do anything to lead her on. I love Sadie, and Sadie adores her kid sister, that makes me protective of the girl as well.”
“Dude, she’s seventeen. I wouldn’t.”
“I know you wouldn’t cross that line intentionally, but I just wanted to make sure you were aware so you knew to tone down your usual flirting.”
“I got you. I get it. Don’t worry. I’ve been trying not to encourage her. She’s a nice kid.” He looked down at her and I could see the fondness he felt for her. I was just glad that’s all I saw. “So, are her parents really as bad as she makes them sound?” he asked. Mia had made no secret of her feelings about going home.
“I don’t know about the Dad, I still can’t quite figure him out, but their mom is a piece of work. I think she and Mrs. McCabe could be best friends.” Chris knew that was about as low an insult as there was. Nobody liked Ky’s Mom, not for the way she treated her son and especially not for the way she treated Jax.
“And we really have to send her back?”
I didn’t like it either, but it was what it was. “We can’t exactly keep her man. She’s not a stray pet.”
“I know. I just feel bad for her, having to go back to that. I remember the times I dreaded spending time at my mom and stepdad’s and they aren’t even that bad.”
“Yeah, well she’s a tough kid, and maybe now things will change. Her dad seems ready to accept that his family isn’t happy and maybe he’ll finally do something about it. Either way, she’s got less than a year before she’s eighteen and then she can do what she wants.”
“Yeah,” he nodded and looked thoughtful. “So you and Sadie, you’re really … you really think she’s the one?”
I chuckled, “I don’t think anything man. I know she’s the one.”
“Huh. I just didn’t think I’d see it, I mean the day that you were all one girl and in love and all that shit. You and Ky both. It’s weird, but I’m happy for you guys. It’s good to see you fuckers so happy.”
“Thanks, I think.”
“I’m serious. I get that she’s good for you. You’re different with her.”
“Yeah. I am. She’s different than anyone I’ve ever met. Before I met her –”
“Yeah, yeah, I get it. Don’t get all mushy on me, I don’t think I can take it.” He was quiet for minute and we went back to watching the movie, then he looked over at me again. “You were engaged, before, to that girl Spade talks about sometimes.” It wasn’t a question so I wasn’t sure what he was getting at. “But it didn’t work, are you afraid the same thing will happen with Sadie? What if it doesn’t work and you guys end up hating each other?” I didn’t know where this was all coming from, but I could take a guess. The big ‘D’ word – divorce – had really fucked with Chris as a kid. His parents couldn’t stand each other now. Bas seemed to have come out of it pretty unscathed, but he had been young when it happened. It
seemed to have left an impression on Chris though.
“It’s a risk I’m willing to take. I think she’s worth it, and for the record, before, with Jules, I was just a stupid kid who had gotten laid for the first time. Jules wasn’t who I thought she was or who I wanted her to be. I built up all these expectations around the two of us, but they weren’t realistic. What I felt for her doesn’t even come close to touching what I feel for Sadie.”
“I hope things work out for the two of you.” He seemed to genuinely mean it, like it was important to him too.
“Yeah man, me too, and eventually this will be you.”
He snorted, “I don’t know about that. I don’t think I have the whole commitment and marriage thing in me. I’m pretty content with what I’ve got going on. I can’t imagine a girl out there who could change my mind.”
Chris wasn’t as bad as Spade, or even Ky before Jax, but he was a serial dater. No girl lasted more than a month or two, but I hadn’t been much different. It just took the right girl to change everything. I don’t really think Chris doubted me. No, more than anything I think he was afraid that I was right. “Whatever you say,” I told him, and that was the last we spoke of it.
When the movie ended, it was really late and the girls and I had an early day tomorrow. Mia was flying out at nine and I was going with Sadie to take her to the airport. I gave Sadie a little nudge to wake her up while Chris did the same to Mia. Neither sister stirred, something else they had in common, they slept like the dead once they went out. I pulled myself up off the couch and then lifted Sadie into my arms.
I watched Chris shake Mia again, but all she did was stretch out further on the couch. “What should I do with this one?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Take her to her room or leave her there, just make sure you cover her up.” Then I carried Sadie off to my room and left Chris to deal with Mia. I could have and probably should have taken Sadie to her own room, but I wanted her with me. I wanted to hold her in my arms. This had been the best Christmas that I could remember and Sadie in my bed and arms was my selfish gift to myself.
Chasing Ever After Page 27