I set her down on my bed and covered her up, then changed into some pajama bottoms. I thought sleeping in my underwear might be pushing it a little too far, and then climbed in next to her, pulling her body in close and cradling mine around her.
I breathed in deeply and then let it back out. Yeah, I could get used to this. I’d probably have to start my day with a cold shower, but it would be worth it to wake up next to her.
I felt her chest heave and then she exhaled a breathy little moan and snuggled her backside in closer to me. Yeah. So. Damn. Worth. It. This is how things were supposed to be, sharing holidays and falling asleep together. She was right where she was meant to be. In my house, and in my bed. She belonged in every part of my life. I knew, because nothing had ever felt so right.
Chapter 30
Sadie
“Huh,” Jax said with a disappointed frown when I slid into the chair across from hers and set my drink on the table.
“What?” I asked.
“Oh nothing, I was just sure that when you called and asked me to meet you for coffee that you were going to tell me Ace proposed last night after we all left, but I don’t see a ring.” It was a good thing I hadn’t taken a sip of my drink yet, because if I had, I would have just spit it all over the table. She was serious.
“We’ve only been together for three weeks.” I pointed out, but she just tipped her head and cocked an eyebrow at me.
“Please, three weeks. I think he’s been in love with you for two years, and don’t even try to tell me you haven’t had feelings for him just as long. It would have been sweet, him proposing at Christmas time, the two year anniversary of your meeting.” I just stared at her, sipping her drink that I knew had to be some kind of tea since she was prejudiced against all things coffee and chocolate. I loved Jax to death, but since Ky, she had turned in to this hopeless romantic, even more so than she was before, and she wanted everyone’s life to play out like a romantic movie.
“I’m not even sure what to say to that, but first, it’s way too soon for us to get engaged,” I watched the roll of her eyes, but she didn’t voice her opinion and let me continue, “second, there was nothing sweet about our first meeting, so I don’t think that’s a time we’ll be celebrating.” Her expression sobered only slightly at the reminder of what had first brought Ace and I together. The very first time I’d met him, I’d burst into tears thinking my best friend was going to die. Not exactly a moment I wanted to relive over and over.
“Okay, point taken, but everything turned out alright, and it brought the two of you together. I’m not saying I enjoyed getting stabbed or that I would relish the thought of experiencing it again, but if things hadn’t happened the way they did, you wouldn’t have met Ace on that trip. He would’ve gone to Europe, and I might not have been able to guilt you into moving to Boston.”
“Are you actually suggesting that I be grateful that you were put in the hospital and almost died?” I asked incredulously. No matter how she spun it, that was not something I could ever be thankful for.
“No. I’m just saying that beautiful things come from the ugliest places all the time. I’d rather not think about that time at all, but I do.” She got quiet for a minute and I saw the shift of emotions play out on her face. “Sometimes I dream about that night. I relive the terror I felt. I can still feel his hands around my throat and the icy chill from the snow seeping into my clothes and skin, numbing my entire body. I still wake up screaming some nights. It’s not as often with Ky there, but it still happens, and even though I know he’s gone, it’s still hard for me to be home alone, especially at night, like a part of me still believes he’s out there.” My chest felt constricted and it was hard to swallow back the emotion I felt at hearing her words, the pain she still lived with, but she took a deep breath and a soft smile spread across her face.
“I’d like to think that something good came from all that. I’d like to think that God could use something so horrible to bring two people together who were meant to find each other. It makes it all seem, well … less horrible.”
I couldn’t even imagine going through what she had, and yet she was still able to look at life in that way, to see the beauty when the rest of us only saw the darkness. She has this unshakable belief that the world doesn’t really suck. I, on the other hand, spent an entire year after I’d lost everything, pitying myself and believing that it did suck. I still have my moments, even though things are looking up. Sometimes it all still feels like too much. I didn’t understand Jax’s faith, but I wanted to.
Things with Ace were good, more than good, and that was part of my problem. I didn’t remember going to bed last night, only that I’d slept more peacefully and soundly than I had in a long time, and waking up in his bed this morning had been indescribably wonderful. After the way things had heated up between us on Christmas Eve, well I felt like things were only going to progress further and faster, emotionally and physically. I needed to talk to someone who had been here, who had gone through this, because I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Actually that wasn’t entirely true, I knew what I wanted. I wanted Ace completely and entirely, in every way, and that was what I wanted to talk to Jax about. That was why I’d called her and asked her to meet me after Ace and I dropped Mia off at the airport. I just didn’t know how to start.
“So how are things with Ky? You sick of him yet?” I joked.
“Please, I don’t think I could ever be sick of him and the things he can do to me in a bed. Shoot, he doesn’t even need a bed.” She grinned and waggled her eyebrows suggestively.
“Gah! Stop. Seriously, I don’t want to hear that, and what has gotten into you?” She literally used to be the blushing virgin, and now …
“Ky, he’s what’s gotten into me,” she laughed and I guess I set myself up for that one. I just shook my head at her. “Hey, you asked.”
“Yeah, I did. I just didn’t expect you to be so forthcoming about that part of your relationship. I mean you’re the – you’re a …”
“I’m what? A good girl?” She was still smiling, even looked like she wanted to laugh a little. “Is that what you’re trying to get at? I shouldn’t talk about sex, because it’s inappropriate for a nice Christian girl?”
“Well, kind of, I just mean with the way you were about sex before, and now it’s like you might as well go on Danny’s show and start broadcasting about it to the city.”
She chuckled, “I think that might be a little extreme, but why shouldn’t I talk about sex with one of my best friends? I’m happily married, and sex is a good thing, it’s a great thing, a gift from God and I’m enjoying it. It’s not something shameful or dirty, so why should I act like it is?”
I guess I saw her point, I hadn’t really thought of it like that. “You’re right. Sorry for getting weirded out.”
“It’s alright, but do you want to tell me what this is really about? I get the feeling this is about you and Ace. Is everything okay with you two?”
“Yeah, we’re more than okay. That’s kind of the issue. Sometimes we’re so okay that I can’t think of anything but him and how he makes me feel.”
“Oh. And how’s that?”
“I love him, but you already know that.”
“Yeah, I do, but I’m still not seeing the problem,” she said.
“Umm,” I let out a heavy breath, I didn’t even know why I was so nervous, other than it was kind of an embarrassing topic to discuss with her and I was afraid of her reaction, what she would think of me. “Things have been getting intense between us,” I started.
“And by intense you mean …?” I bit my lip and dropped my eyes to the table before looking back at her embarrassedly. “Oh.” She got it.
“Yeah.”
“Have you?” she asked.
“No, we haven’t. Not yet, but we were close. The worst part is we were at his parents’ house, with his whole family downstairs. We just got carried away and we both wanted it. I wanted it so bad, I felt like I was losing
my mind.”
“Okay,” she chuckled. “So you’re hot for your boyfriend and want to jump his bones. Physical attraction is a good thing, but you’re worried about how far it went?” I nodded again. “I’m still not quite sure what you’re looking for from me here, Sadie. Do you think you’re ready to take your relationship to that level?”
“I don’t know. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I guess I just want to understand better why you waited with Ky. It feels so right when I’m with Ace, and I want to be as close to him as I can. I don’t understand how that could be wrong, but something is still stopping me. Do you think less of me for wanting to be with him like that, even though we’re not … I mean, even if we don’t wait like you did?”
“Oh, Sadie, if that’s what this is about,” she laughed and it stung a little that she found this situation amusing. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh, it’s just that you’ve got it all wrong. I’m not any better at this than you.”
“But, you’re a good person and a good Christian –”
“Okay, that’s where I’ve got to stop you,” she cut me off. “It doesn’t matter who or what I am. I’m not any different than you. None of us are, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, Tom Cruise, we’re all just here. We’re all struggling to figure out life and make sense of it, to find something to give meaning and purpose to all the pain and suffering and hurt, but none of us are perfect, especially not me.”
“You just seem like you’ve got it all together and have all the answers,” I told her, which earned me another laugh.
“I don’t. I really don’t. If you’re expecting me to judge you or make you feel bad, that’s not going to happen.” It was such a relief to hear that, but I should have known she wouldn’t.
“I’m sorry for thinking that. It was stupid. I’m just having a hard time figuring out what to do. I know what I want, or what I think I want, but then I look at you and see what you’ve got and it’s just different.”
“It is,” she agreed. “I’m not going to tell you what to do. Life is hard no matter who you are or what you believe. You’ve been through a lot, and I can’t imagine that it’s been easy for you to let go of what you had and move on. I don’t think I would survive losing Ky the way you lost Clayton, but you’re strong and you’re doing just fine. If Ace makes you happy, and I think he does. That’s all I want for you, but I will tell you that in the tough times, when things seem too difficult to face, life is a lot less hopeless if you have something to believe in, something bigger than it all to hang on to and have faith in even when life is messy and hard.”
“So pretty much all the time?” I chuckled.
“Yeah, pretty much, but that’s kind of the beauty of life. It’s not perfect and none of us are perfect, but every once in a while, two imperfect people find each other and a miracle happens.”
“That’s what it felt like when I met Clay. Like he was saving me from the path my parents had put me on, he saved me from becoming a person I didn’t want to be,” I confessed.
“Life can be cruel and unfair sometimes, and I know it might be hard for you to believe in miracles anymore, but there’s no rule that says we’re limited to one miracle in this lifetime. So maybe Clay was your miracle, and you lost him, but maybe Ace is a second miracle. You just have to hold on to him. Don’t worry about making every right decision. That’s what grace is for; those moments when we screw up. Trust yourself and trust Ace. Trust your heart but listen to your head. I know how scary that can seem, believe me.” She took in a deep breath and then let it out.
“When Ky and I finally got back together, I was a wreck. I bottled everything I was feeling up, the pain and fear of what I’d gone through with Connor and how scared I was of my relationship with Ky.”
“You were scared?” I asked her. I never saw that. After she got out of the hospital, she’d seemed so happy to have him back. I knew they had their struggles, but it never showed.
“I was terrified. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him and that scared the crap out of me, because he left me once and there was always the possibility that he would again. My feelings were so strong and I didn’t know what to do with them. I didn’t know if they were healthy, and I struggled with what you’re going through too. I mean my husband is insanely gorgeous and it wasn’t easy being cooped up with all that, and telling him no. He respected my beliefs, but it was hard for him because he didn’t understand them.”
“I didn’t know you went through all of that,” I told her. “How did you deal? You were so strong through everything.”
“The truth is I’m not always strong. I can be incredibly weak and selfish, but it’s okay. I can admit that, because what I’ve found is that I don’t have to pretend to have it all together. I accepted that I’m never going to have all the answers, that loving someone is always going to be a risk, but if ever there was one that was worth it, it’s love. Love is worth it every single time. Loving someone is never the wrong choice, but truly loving someone isn’t easy. Our world has twisted and distorted love so much, that some of its meaning has been lost, but it’s what it all comes down to. That’s why I waited Sadie. Maybe at first it was out of some belief my mother had instilled in me, a sense of right and wrong, but if that had been all it was, well I wouldn’t have lasted. Ky was temptation like I’d never known, but the fact that I loved him so much always stopped me. I’m not going to start spouting the Bible at you, but honestly I doubt I need to. There’s a reason that the ‘Love is’ scripture is one of the most quoted love verses of all time, , because I mean, come on, who doesn’t want a love like that.” She was right about it being a popular one. I knew exactly which one she meant.
“It’s all about putting someone else’s need above your own, going against our selfish nature and acting selflessly,” she went on. “I had to love myself and love Ky enough to know what was right for us, what we needed. Sex is good. It was always meant to be that way, but it’s such an intimate act, two bodies, two souls, literally intertwining and coming together. It’s the closest two people can be and it takes a piece of you and leaves it with the other person. Ky and I had to come to a place where we were ready for that. His past was a problem that didn’t make it easy. Not because I was holding it against him, but he had a lot of healing to do. He’d never had a healthy relationship before, and we both had to come to terms with that and how it affected our relationship.”
“I understand that. Part of what held me back when we got … um, close, was that I wasn’t sure what it would mean to Ace. He told me he loves me and I believe him, but I just don’t want our relationship to become just about sex because he’s such a physical guy.”
“I’m really glad you feel comfortable talking to me about this and I’m always here for you, but I can’t tell you what you guys are ready for.”
“I’m sensing another ‘but’ in there,” I said.
“From what you’ve said, I think you should trust what you’re feeling right now, if even a little part of you feels like you’re not ready to take that step, then don’t. Be completely open with Ace about it, and I think you need to ask him to tell you about his past relationships, and you need to do the same”
I almost choked on my coffee. Talking to Ace about his past sexual encounters was the last thing I wanted to do. I didn’t even want to be reminded of the other girls.
“That look on your face right now, that’s evidence of just how hurtful meaningless sex can be. Ace didn’t mean to hurt you when he was with other girls, but it just shows that our pasts matter, even if we think it’s harmless at the time, we don’t always understand the consequences later, and that’s something else you and he will have to work through. I had to come to terms with Ky’s past. For me it was an easy choice, because of how much I love him, because I understand why he did it, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t still hurt at times to think about all those other girls.”
“Do you think things would have turned out differently i
f you hadn’t waited to sleep with him?” I asked her.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I’d like to believe that we still could have worked through everything, but sex was such an issue for us because of how he’d dealt with it in the past. We loved each other, so maybe it wouldn’t have hurt our relationship, but it might have. The one thing I know for sure is that I don’t regret waiting to be with him in that way, but I might have regretted not waiting, and now we have the rest of our lives to explore each other that way.”
I chuckled. The rest of the guys were constantly giving her and Ky a bad time about all of their “exploring.” They were basically rabbits now.
“Don’t make this choice for anyone but you, Sadie. Just make sure you two are on the same page with what you want. Either way, it’s an important step for you and Ace. Physical intimacy shouldn’t be a substitute for emotional intimacy. They’re not the same thing. You should be strong in your relationship emotionally and know each other well enough to know that you’re ready to make that commitment to each other. Ready to stick it out and fight for each other through the tough times, because those are pretty much guaranteed when two imperfect people get together. Love isn’t a feeling or an emotion. It’s a choice you make and have to make every day. To love someone, even when they are at their worst, when they seem unlovable, when they make mistakes and hurt you, is not an easy thing. If you can’t do that for each other, if your relationship can’t withstand those hard days, then sex sure as hell isn’t going to fix a damn thing. It’s not a tool, it’s not a weapon, it’s not a bandage, and once you give each other that part of yourselves, you can’t take it back or undo it.”
So much of what she said made sense to me. I did need to think about it, and at the very least, it was a conversation Ace and I needed to have before we went any further.
Chasing Ever After Page 28