Carsen was a mistake, a mistake made by a young, selfish, spoiled and unhappy girl. I didn’t find happiness with him, but I knew a little about shame, regret and emptiness. Those were the only things Carsen had ever made me feel. Things were different with Clayton, but still we’d both been so young. Things were different now with Ace too. He wasn’t Clayton and I’d dealt with enough heartache and had no desire to set myself up for more by rushing things.
Chapter 31
Ace
I stared up at the ceiling from my bed. My mind was reeling. I didn’t know how the day had ended up like this; Sadie and I in our separate rooms with what felt like a million miles of distance between us. We’d agreed that we should both take a little bit of time to process and think. It had been a heavy conversation. Certainly not what I had expected when she came home after meeting Jaxyn for coffee. I didn’t know whether I wanted to kiss Jax or shake her. I felt like ultimately it would bring me and Sadie closer together than ever, but first we had to make it through this. It hadn’t been an easy talk.
I’d feared the worst when I looked up from the couch as she’d walked in the door and I saw the serious expression she wore. She came to stand in front of me, nervously playing with her hands as she avoided looking me in the eye at first. I was sure whatever she was about to say to me wasn’t going to be good and then when she’d asked if we could talk, I’d felt like throwing myself at her feet and just begging her right there not to leave, to forgive whatever I’d done, and give me another chance. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t think of anything I’d done, and that just two hours before she’d been holding my hand and kissing me like I was fucking Superman, I was scared in that moment, so scared of losing her.
I felt the desperation clawing at my throat as I mentally prepared apologies and declarations of love that would change her mind. I hated that feeling. I’d never felt it before, not when Jules had ended things and not even in the moments that my unit had taken fire in Iraq and I’d been sure that was it for me. Losing Sadie, or I guess just the thought of losing her, was so much worse. It was enough to send me into a panic because I didn’t want to go back to life without her. That sick feeling in my gut wasn’t something I particularly enjoyed, and I had zero control over it. I liked that even less. When she finally put me out my misery by saying she just wanted to talk about what had happened two nights ago, relief washed over me in waves.
It was an intense talk. It was a difficult talk, but anything was better than having her walk away, so I got through it for her. I answered her questions, even the ones I didn’t want to, the ones I wished I had other answers for, the ones about the other girls in my past. If I could take it all back, do it all over, I would, for her. I would have waited for her, but I hadn’t known, couldn’t have ever predicted someone like Sadie, and so I had to be honest even as I saw the hurt in her eyes that my ugly truths put there.
We got through it though. I opened up to her about everything, and she did the same, the only difference was, she had a lot less to be honest about. I didn’t like hearing about that asshole Carsen, but there was a big difference between her confessions and mine. I thought for sure it was going to ruin everything, but she surprised me by being more understanding that I had any right to ask her to be. She’d known my past wasn’t pretty, but hearing the dirty details was different. She accepted everything I said, never once looking at me with disgust, but she did cry. I saw her fight not to, I saw her trying to keep the tears back, but she couldn’t. I hated that the most. I felt the same helplessness I had when I walked in on her crying at my parents’, the precursor to this whole situation. This time I knew for sure it was my fault. My recklessness in the past was hurting her now, and the worst part was, those other girls hadn’t meant anything to me. I never set out to hurt or use anyone, but they knew what we were doing. It was just a bit of fun, only it wasn’t fucking fun now. Watching Sadie cry was anything but fun.
Before I left her alone, she assured me that we were fine, and that she just needed a little bit of time to pull herself together. I kissed her on the forehead and then came in here, feeling like shit. I couldn’t change anything. I couldn’t take any of it back, as much as I wanted to for her. My past was my past, but my future, that was all hers and I would make sure that she knew that. Every day from here on was going to be for her. She was it for me and I wouldn’t give her up, even if she asked it of me later.
I sat down on my bed and fished my phone from my pocket, bringing up Jax’s contact ID. I pressed call and listened to one of our singles play as the ringback while I waited for her to answer. I didn’t have to wait long.
“Hey, what’s up? I’m guessing you’ve talked to Sadie,” she answered.
“Yeah, and I hate you a little bit right now.” I didn’t really mean it and she knew I didn’t, but I was still feeling shitty and thought I’d share my mood.
“No you don’t. You’re just mad because I told Sadie to talk to you about her feelings, and you’re a dumb guy afraid of feelings.”
“Bullshit,” I argued. “I’m not afraid of feelings. I’m pissed that you told my girlfriend not to sleep with me.”
“No you’re not,” she called me out, and I breathed a heavy sigh.
“I know, but it would be easier if that was it, instead I feel like crap because I spent the last hour making her cry. Was it your idea to have the little confessional and open up about everything I’m ashamed of?”
“Yes, but contrary to what you think, it wasn’t to torture you. Remember, I’m on your side in all of this. I want you guys to make it, so I’m trying to help you and you guys needed that. Pretending you don’t have a past, or trying to bury it, won’t do you guys any good. It would have always been there, in the back of her mind. Now it’s out in the open and you’ve dealt with it. You can move on.”
“It just sucked, Jax. I hated upsetting her. The worst part was, she didn’t even blame me. She didn’t get mad, call me an asshole or a pig or anything. I just wish …”
“What Ace? What do you wish? That you could undo it, go back in time and not sleep with those girls, because if that’s what you were about to say, then I don’t want to hear it.”
I didn’t say anything and she took my silence for what it was, an admission. “You can’t, so there’s no point in wishing. If you think it sucks for you right now, imagine how she’s feeling.” I didn’t want to, I was already miserable enough without adding on more of her pain.
“You’re trying to make me feel worse, aren’t you?” I asked her.
“No, I’m really not, but I’ve been in her shoes and I’ve also seen what it did to Ky when I was hurting the way she is right now. The only thing that’s going to make both of you feel better is if you make her feel better.”
“Yeah, well how am I supposed to do that?” She said it like it was a simple task and I should just know what to do, but if that were the case, I wouldn’t have called her in the first place.
“Start by getting off the phone and going to her,” she said it like there might as well have been a “duh” at the end of that statement.
“She said she wanted a little bit of space,” I protested.
“She lied. She’s hurting and she wants you and needs you, but she’s feeling insecure right now. You need to make sure she knows how much you mean to her, make her forget all the rest, and I don’t mean just tell her, show her.”
“How should I do that?”
“That one’s on you, friend, but she’s feeling sad and alone right now. She just needs to know that she isn’t. Even if it’s something small, show her that you’re thinking of her. Don’t force her to talk anymore and don’t expect anything from her, she may still need a while to process everything, but a little gesture will go a long way in showing her how much she means to you. So go, romance away.”
“Yes Love Dr. Jax. Romance. On it.”
“Good,” was all she said before ending the call. I set my phone down on the mattress beside me. Okay ass
hole. You’re girl is upset. What are you going to do about it? I asked myself. I didn’t have any good ideas yet, but I was hungry and that made me think that she might be too, since I doubted she had eaten much since breakfast and it was now nearing dinner time. I figured cooking something to eat was a good place to start, and I could think while I cooked.
Sadie loves pizza, especially garlic chicken pizza. We had everything I needed to make it, so I started on a crust, mixing some garlic and herbs into the dough to give it extra flavor. While it was resting, I sautéed up some chicken and started slicing and chopping veggies, the whole time still thinking about Jax’s words. Don’t tell her, show her. She said a small gesture would work, that she still needed time, but she also needed me to reassure her.
As I was sticking the pizza in the oven, I finally came up with an idea. It wasn’t a great one and it would be slightly embarrassing, but I hoped it would show her how she had turned my life upside down since she walked into it, and that there was no one I would rather share it with than her.
While the pizza baked, I readied a tray. I mixed up a little bowl of salad and put a tiny dish of her favorite vinaigrette dressing on the side. I got out a wine glass and picked a bottle to open for her. When the pizza was done, I pulled it out and sliced it, then put two pieces onto a plate and set it on the tray. I went ahead and opened the wine and poured a glass, trusting in my ability to make it to her room without spilling.
By the time I made it up the stairs and to her door, I had a new respect for wait staff. Before I knocked, I pulled the last thing out of my pocket and set it on the tray beside the plate and bowl. She called out a soft, “Come in,” so I nudged the door open with my hip since it wasn’t latched. She looked up as I entered, with a worn expression on her face. Her eyes were still a little puffy and red, but it didn’t appear as if she’d been crying right before I came in, so that was a plus. No more crying was a good thing.
“I know you said you wanted a little bit of time and space, but I figured you might be hungry, so I made you some dinner,” I told her, setting the tray down on the nightstand beside her bed.
“I could smell it all the way up here. It smells great. Thank you,” she said, eying it hungrily. Well she had an appetite, that had to be a good thing as well. Then she noticed the other object on the tray. She picked it up and started to hand it back to me, “Here’s your phone.”
“No, I put it on there for a reason,” I told her. Her face scrunched up and she looked at me confused.
“Why?”
“Go to my pictures,” I told her without explaining. She hesitated, looking like she wanted to ask more questions, but eventually she slid her finger across the screen of my phone, unlocking it and did as I had told her to. I watched as she scrolled through the gallery of pictures. I watched the confusion turn to surprise, and I could only imagine what she was thinking as she looked at picture after picture of herself. I hoped she wasn’t thinking stalker and restraining order, but it was a little stalkerish.
She looked back up at me. “Some of these are old, like from when I first came here.”
“I know,” I told her. “I hope you don’t think it’s too creepy, but from almost the instant I met you, I was captivated by you. I snuck each of those pictures because I couldn’t help myself. I wanted something to look at when I was on the road. Not every part of what I do is exciting and glamorous, and there were many times I wished I was just home, instead of on a bus or in a hotel, feeling exhausted and worn out. When that would happen, I would look at your pictures. Not in a weird way though.” Shit. I was screwing this up. I inhaled a deep breath and then blew it out and raked a hand through my mess of hair. “What I’m trying and not doing a very good job of saying, is even then you had me. No one else has ever really had me.”
I watched as a tear fell down her cheek, followed by another one. “Shit, are those good tears or bad tears? Did I make it worse?” I went to her side, but was afraid to touch her in case I had only made her more upset.
“They’re good tears you idiot,” she sniffed and wiped at her face, managing to crack a smile at me. “Your stalker tendencies are very sweet.”
I chuckled and my shoulders sagged in relief. “I’m glad you think so. It’s only for you. It will only ever be for you.” I sat down beside her and she leaned her head on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry I didn’t handle today very well. I asked for you to be honest with me and then I couldn’t take it when you were,” she apologized unnecessarily.
“It’s okay. You’re not the one who has to be sorry for anything, but we’ll figure this out eventually. We have to, because I’m not willing to let you go.”
“I don’t want to go anywhere,” she whispered.
I pressed a kiss on top of her head and then moved to stand. “You should eat. I’ll let you be for a bit, and then we can watch a movie or whatever you want,” I told her.
“Will you eat with me?” she asked.
“You want me to stay in here?” She nodded. “Okay, yeah, just let me go grab a plate and then I’ll come back.” I rushed down the stairs and into the kitchen, in a hurry to get back up there to Sadie. I was just so damn glad she didn’t want any more space. I didn’t like not being around her, and in a few days I had to leave for New York and would be gone for almost a week. A week might have seemed like nothing, a small and insignificant amount of time, but I still didn’t like it. It was too much time away from her, so I was going to spend as much time with her as I could before then, especially since it wouldn’t be long after that before we had to take off for more shows. With her job, and classes starting, there was little hope of her being able to come out to any of them.
I threw a couple slices of pizza onto my plate and sent a quick text to Jax, thanking her for not letting me leave Sadie alone. Tonight probably would have gone much differently if I had.
Instead of us both being unhappy in our separate rooms, we ate pizza, we talked, she called her sister to check in now that she was back in Seattle, and I listened to her talk to her father afterward. When she was off the phone, instead of watching a movie, she asked if we could do something else. I wasn’t capable of denying her anything, so I let her take my hand and lead me to the music room. I’d heard Sadie mess around a little on the guitar and piano, she liked to come in here a lot, but tonight I really got to see her. She sat me on the piano bench beside her and then I watched as she poured herself into the music, everything she was and everything she felt, and it blew me away. She was amazing. Later we both grabbed guitars and played around together, and it was honestly the most fun I’d had making music in a very long time. Sharing it with Sadie, something we both loved, was incredible.
Chapter 32
Sadie
New Year’s Eve. A night of celebration, of hope for all the possibilities to come. A time to put the last year and every mistake, every bad day, every regret, behind you and look forward. A time to go out with your best friends and watch your boyfriend’s band perform in New York City. Unless of course you had to work. Which I did.
Jax was in New York. Sebastian and Lissa and Mr. Cross were there. Danny, Marcus and Maysie had joined them. Even Vi and Jake were back from Maine, where they’d spent Christmas at Vi’s grandparents, and had gone with them. Everyone but me was there, so yes I was having a pity party. Nobody else was invited. Because all of my friends were in New York. See, I really know how to throw a pity party.
I’d asked for the night off weeks ago, but wasn’t surprised when the schedule was made and I saw that I had to work the closing shift. Nobody wanted to trade either. Everyone had their own plans to go out and celebrate the New Year. I didn’t blame them.
My shift ended at seven, which was actually early, but that still wouldn’t give me enough time to make it to New York before the concert. That meant I would be watching the ball drop at home, on the TV, instead of there in person. Cue that tiny little violin.
Ace had tried to convince me to blow off work a
nyway, or quit, but I couldn’t do it, or at least I hadn’t thought I could. I didn’t have a backup plan yet and tuition for my first quarter was due, so I couldn’t afford not to have an income. I’d finally had enough though. I was tired of dreading going into work, and tonight Melinda had just made me so angry. I spent the first half of my shift moving around and rearranging displays, that just last week she’d told me to set up how they were. Then she asked me to wash all of the store windows, which wasn’t a big deal. The first time. When she made me rewash them all because she could see nonexistent streaks, I got frustrated. On top of that, she wouldn’t stop talking about how exciting it must be to be in New York on New Years. She was just rubbing it in my face. I have this theory that she’s an unhappy person, so she enjoys making other people unhappy. Either that or she’s really the wicked witch. She should probably watch out for falling houses.
By the time six came around, I was so done with it that I actually did quit and tell her she could find someone else to bark orders at and treat like crap. I walked out after that. It wasn’t like I was worried about a bad reference, she would have given me that no matter what. I was only slightly panicky about what I was going to do for a job, but mostly I felt relieved not to have to deal with her anymore.
If I had known then how my night was going to end and my New Year was going to start, I wouldn’t have complained about washing some damn windows or my shrew of a boss. I would have washed another thousand windows if it meant that night would have gone differently.
I called Ace when I got home and told him I finally quit. He was happy about it and we talked for a few minutes before he had to get ready to go on stage. We both wished I could be there, and when I hung up with him I continued my little poor me session in my head while I heated up some dinner. Again, if I had only known how little it would all matter by the end of the night …
Chasing Ever After Page 29