Don't Blame Me

by Kay Blake

  Marcy stood up. She got between the two of us. I could see her eyes pleading with me not to go where I was going to go, but I shook my head.

  “Leah, he isn’t worth it. Don’t even worry about it. We know why we love this movie. It is the same reason why I love A Walk to Remember. We don’t need to explain it,” she said softly.

  But it didn’t matter because I was upset. I have never been this upset before. Or maybe I have, but I knew me and I wasn’t letting this go without the last word. It wasn’t in me to let things go. I always had to have the final say so and so I did.

  “Listen, none of us asked you to be here. I honestly don’t know why you decided to stroll in here like you own the place. Why do you always have to say something that makes no sense? Or rather say something as if that is going to magically change the other person’s mind about what it is they want to do with their downtime. You always have to try and play this big, tough guy who has no emotions and use humor to downplay that maybe you aren’t as great as a person as you pretend to be. Maybe all you’re really good for is whatever you do on the football field and that is it. Maybe that is why you have to say the stupid stuff that comes out of your mouth. Maybe you have all those women falling all over themselves because you play football. It certainly isn’t because of your personality because let’s face it, it fucking sucks. Sure, you had some good moments. I’ll give you that. But, normally you suck. And maybe you know that and that is why you are a pain. I don’t know nor while I try to figure it out. I am over you and this conversation. You could’ve just been quiet and watched the damn movie like regular people do. But no! You just had to say something. Maybe I have a stick up my ass as you say because of guys like you. All the same things. All the damn time. Unemotional, jackasses who are only good for sex maybe. Nothing more. And I would rather have that stick so far up my ass then ever be like that. So, now since you ruined this day for me, I am going to my room and I am going to relax some other way. Sorry Marcy, but I can’t. It was great to see you, Tommy.”

  I shook my head, trying to stop any tears from falling down my face. Whenever I got really angry I cried and I hated it. I hated that he was even able to get me to this point or that I couldn’t reel it in. If Tommy wasn’t such a good guy to Marcy, I would’ve avoided all football players like the damn plague.

  Plopping down on my bed, I closed my eyes, the hot tears zigzagging down my face. I shouldn’t have gotten this upset about a movie, but then again, Adrian irritated me. And I knew it had to do with the fact that he didn’t keep his promise. I didn’t even know why not receiving a call from him bothered me so much. We were friends. Or trying to be friends. But there was something else. I wasn’t ready to admit it yet. At least not out loud. Ugh!

  I looked up at the ceiling, knowing that I would have some explaining to do with Marcy. And moments later she walked in and sat down next to me on my bed.

  “Are you okay?” she asked me softly.

  “Yeah. I’m fine. He just gets under my skin. But I’m fine. I’m sorry I probably ruined our movie day,” I said sincerely.

  “You didn’t. It should’ve been just us girls anyway. I have a hard time telling Tommy no. He’s just so cute,” Marcy said with a laugh.

  “He is. It’s fine. I know how much you like Tommy. And we can do this again next week. You enjoy the rest of your afternoon with Tommy. I’m fine. Promise.”

  Marcy looked at me with a small smile. “Okay, Leah. We will chat later.”

  I waved to her as she made her way to the door. Closing my eyes, I thought about the exchange between Adrian and me. Perhaps I was much too hard on him. I knew that’s how I was when I was angry. My mouth was one to be reckoned with. Not that I haven’t tried to get better with what I let come out my mouth when I was pissed, but it had a mind of its own and I would be left holding the carnage of what I said. Adrian was probably pissed off, not that he didn’t deserve to be because I was angry too. But still, the nice part of me felt terrible that I was so mean. Sighing, I sat back up. Maybe he was back in his dorm room. I could go over there and apologize. Only for the fact that what I said came out so mean.

  Opening the door to my room, I made my way back to the living room and saw that Adrian was still sitting there with his eyes closed. Why didn’t he leave when Marcy and Tommy did? I took a few deep breaths, trying to control my emotions. If I didn’t it would defeat the whole conversation I had with myself to apologize to him.

  “You’re still here?” I asked him instead.

  He opened his eyes and looked at me. A range of emotion passing over his strong features. He seemed in deep thought. What I couldn’t truly be sure. But his face went from anger to hurt and then impassive.

  “Yeah. I wanted to apologize to you. I know I pushed your buttons and I felt that I needed to at least say I was sorry.”

  “Oh.”

  “I’ve seen you mad before. But today seemed more than usual. And while normally I would’ve been like fuck it. For some reason, I couldn’t leave until I apologized.”

  I contemplated his words. So we were on the same page? Both of us want to apologize for this argument that really shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

  “I want to apologize as well. I know I can be a bit much sometimes. Growing up in my family, it is kind of hard not to always be on the defense with things. But I crossed the line and I said some things that I shouldn’t have said. I know how my mouth is when I’m pissed, and I took it too far. I’m sorry.”

  There was silence as I watched him look at me, his gaze intense. He ran his fingers through his hair and then abruptly stood up. He made his way to me and I found myself trying to figure out what was it about him that got me so riled up. I watched his strong jaw as he studied me and found myself glancing at his lips and then his shoulders. They were strong. Really strong and it worried me. It worried me a lot. Not that it was bad, but that maybe even if it was only for a moment, I wouldn’t mind his strong arms around me again. And I didn’t know why that thought crossed my mind because I had no time for relationships especially a guy like him. It was only in the cards that I would be hurt. And I didn’t want to be hurt. I didn’t want that kind of stress. I just needed to finish school.

  “Leah, you are… I don’t know how to explain it. But I can’t keep my mind off of you. Believe me, I tried. As soon as you slapped me that day after the game, I told myself that I didn’t need a girl like you around me. There would always be other girls. Hell, I always told myself that. It’s easier that way. I tried telling myself that there were plenty of girls who wouldn’t slap me or only would slap me if we were in bed together. Yet, I find myself here waiting for you to come out of your room so I can apologize. I know I make you mad. I know I’m a jerk sometimes. Usually I don’t care what other people think of me, I do care when it comes to you. Sure, I joke around a lot, but I know better. With the parents I have, I kind of have to. I do let the football stuff get to my head because it is the one thing I do where I don’t feel like I need anyone’s approval but my own. I know what I put in and I know I give it my all. It is the reason that I can do this with no issue.”

  He stopped shifting his foot a little. I gave a shake of my head as a sign of encouragement to continue.

  “But, then there’s you. Constantly on my mind and driving me crazy with your pouty lips and your high cheekbones. I keep thinking about how your lips felt on mine that night and I think to myself, that I wouldn’t mind having them on me again and again. That if I have to have them again. I didn’t mean it about you getting laid. I was just annoyed that you were so mad about something I didn’t think was serious.”

  He stepped back and I found myself momentarily a loss for words. He said a mouthful, but all I could focus on was him saying to me that he couldn’t keep me out of his head. That he wanted to do things to me that kind of excited me and scared me at the same time.

  “Why didn’t you call me? You promised me you would,” I said softly.

  “Is that
why you were so upset with me?”

  “No…maybe. Yeah.”

  He chuckled at that. “We had two away games and practice. And my classes. And the coach riding my ass, which he does a lot. I honestly didn’t do it on purpose. I was busy.”

  “Too busy to at least respond and tell me that. I give you a chance and then you completely ruin it by not doing what you said.”

  “I only get one chance, huh?”

  I glared at him.

  He stepped closer. “I’m sorry. I fucked up. I fuck up a lot. I’m not good at this kind of thing Leah. I don’t do whatever this is. I’m not romantic. I’m just sure of the fact that you’ve been driving me crazy. In all the ways that can be counted. I don’t get it.”

  He ran his hands through his hair again. It was something he did often.

  “But why? I don’t get it.”

  “Does it really matter why? I don’t know what it is about you. I just know what you make me feel. I know that I want to be around you even if you don’t want to be around me. I can deal with that for now. I want to be around you. I need to be around you. Even when you’re mad at me.” He paused and gave a slightly sarcastic laugh. “You probably think I’m crazy, right?”

  “No. I don’t. I mean I don’t get it, but I don’t think you’re crazy. Or maybe you are. Maybe we both are.”

  “Do you forgive me?” he asked with a shy smile on his face. It was a smile much different from the cocky one that normally graced his face. It threw me off a bit.

  I nodded.

  “I want all the things that I see in the movies. Like how Jack was with Rose. He loved her. All of her. I want to feel so much love that I don’t know what to do with it. An epic love that defies all the odds. And it can’t be nothing under that. I want it all.”

  “And you should have all those things,” he said quietly.

  He held out his hand as a sign of forgiveness, and I took it awkwardly.

  “Maybe...”

  “Maybe what?”

  But he didn’t respond. Instead, his grip tightened and in that brief pause, his stare had sharpened. I felt a pull between the two of us. I could smell his scent and it was intoxicating. And as his hand went towards my face, my breath hitched. His fingers lightly touched my cheek, heat radiating off of him. His lips brushed mine and like in a trance I responded. His mouth to mine, I felt drugged-high. Every time his tongue touched mine, it sent a shiver down my spine, and I had to stop myself. I couldn’t breathe.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that,” he said, his voice strained.

  “Uh…don’t worry about it. And I hope you can forgive me too.” I tried to bring it back to why I initially came out of my room. I couldn’t focus on the kiss. Or the fact that he made want to throw all caution into the wind.

  His breath was heavy, and I could see his lust filled expression change as if he was trying to control what he was feeling. A part of me didn’t want him to.

  “I went overboard. I didn’t mean all of what was said. Though sometimes you ask for it, but you know that,” I said instead.

  “I do.”

  We both laughed at that. His somewhat shaky.

  “If you want, we can watch Titanic again. From the beginning. I promise I won’t say anything stupid about it.”

  I tilted my head trying to figure out what his game was. Why would he want to watch this with me after everything that just happened?

  “Um. Okay,” I said, getting the remote so I can start the DVD over again. I plopped down on the couch and he sat down next to me. Close enough to make me self-conscious. I found myself wondering what he was thinking, but I was too afraid to ask him.

  The movie started again and my eyes stayed glued to the television as Leo DiCaprio made his first appearance. He was one of my favorite actors, but I loved him in this movie because at the end of the day, I was a sap. I loved all that mushy stuff and the only person who really knew that was Marcy. It didn’t take much for me to cry at a movie. Or wish that I could be one of those women who has a man who wants nothing but them and only them. That seemed to be a lot to ask for these days, and so I kept those kinds of thoughts to myself and stayed content with the movies I watched and the books I read.

  I found myself sighing happily at some of the things that were said, and by the end of the movie, as usual, I was crying, my hands somehow entwined with his hair. His head was on my lap. I didn’t know how he got there or when it happened. But it felt normal. It felt right.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, somewhat amused as a tear dropped onto his cheek.

  “Yes. I am. Sorry. I do this every time as if I don’t know what’s going to happen. I swear you think I would accept it by now, but nope I won’t. I am going to be 90 years old and still not accept that Jack didn’t make it to the end.”

  Adrian laughed, sitting up. “Well, maybe it is weird that you haven’t let it go yet, but I have to admit I do admire that kind of dedication.”

  I smiled and got off of his arm to playfully push him.

  “Here you go teasing me again,” I said, sticking out my tongue jokingly.

  “No teasing. Just stating what I noticed. That’s it. I promise. I don’t want a repeat of earlier.”

  My stomach at that moment dropped and all the fluttering started again. It was as if there were hundreds of butterflies fluttering around in my stomach and I was helpless to stop them. I didn’t know why, but I did like Adrian more than I cared to admit. Even if he was a guy I would normally stay away from, he got under my skin.

  I played with my fingers trying to think of a good excuse to make him leave. I needed him to get out of my space so I could think clearly again. He and I wouldn’t work. I knew that. I knew that better than he probably did. We were too different from each other and had different goals. It was all I needed to know and for that reason, I didn’t want to even think of the what ifs. I could go back to keeping my distance easily. That was the only way I would be able to do that. If he stayed away, I could keep all these confusing feelings at bay.

  “Leah?” Adrian said softly interrupting my thoughts and I turned towards him.

  “Yes?”

  “You are probably the most beautiful girl on this campus. No, you are the most beautiful girl on this campus and you don’t even know it,” he said.

  “What do you mean I don’t know it?”

  “You’re just you. I like you. The real you underneath that mask you wear. And it’s beautiful.”

  And with that, his fingers lightly touched my face to tilt it towards his. I could feel my heart thumping hard again against my chest and all of a sudden I felt lightheaded. He was making me feel crazy, but in a good way. He leaned towards me as my heart raced, and his cologne once again invaded my nostrils. Leaning in, his lips lightly touched mine. Almost grazed them, and I sighed. He took that as a go ahead and his kiss hardened as he pried my mouth open with his tongue. I felt myself tremble as he pulled me into his arms, and my head started to spin. This wasn’t supposed to feel this way. I was sure of that. I wasn’t supposed to feel dizzy, almost drunk, but at the same time, it felt so good. It felt right. Like I belonged there.

  Adrian finally pulled away from me and he looked at me, his expression one of lust and uncertainty on his face.

  “I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it. Your lips were there and I had to have them again.”

  “Is that something you do often, just going around kissing girls?”

  “I won’t lie. I did kiss a lot of girls.”

  I raised my eyebrow at that. “And now?”

  He shrugged. “Now, I only want to kiss you. Make you mine.”

  “Yours?”

  “Yes. Mine!”

  “I guess a part of me knew then that you were mine.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “You didn’t have to.”

  “Whatever. And now?”

  “I’m telling you so we’re on the same page. I don’t want anybody else, but you. And I will do whatever i
t takes for you to understand that. Or for you to let me show you that you are mine.”

  I was at a loss for words. No one has ever said that before. No one and yet he sounded so sure that he almost convinced me. Almost. I didn’t believe him. I wasn’t that easy to get with. Maybe I was a personal challenge for him. Maybe he said this to all the girls he came in contact with. The other part of me wanted the rational part of my brain to shut up. What was wrong with a little fun? What could be so wrong about being his? Did I want that?

  “I should go. I have to get some rest for practice. Can I see you tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” I said my answer voicing my concerns.

  “Please?”

  I sighed, feeling backed into a corner. But not wanting to outright admit that I did want to see him again.

  “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  He smiled then. “Great. See you then.” And with that, he touched my face lightly. I closed my eyes, wanting to feel his lips again, and he obliged me. Lightly brushing my lips.

  “If we kiss the way we did before, I may want something else. I want something more, but I’m going to try a different approach. I don’t want to be that guy with you.”

  I nodded, both happy and annoyed with that explanation.

  Biting his lip, he winked before leaving my dorm room.

  I plopped down on the couch again. Were Adrian and I a thing?

  My mind raced and I closed my eyes. What the hell was wrong with me? How could something that screamed danger feel so good? No matter how much I tried to rationalize a reason to dismiss what I was feeling, I couldn’t. Simply. I wanted to see him try.

  Chapter Nine

  Adrian

  As promised, I met up with Leah near the field in front of the campus. It was still some light outside. She sat there under a tree, a notebook on her lap and her pen in her hand, writing furiously.