Four Mums in a Boat

by Janette Benaddi, Helen Butters, Niki Doeg

  The good people of Burn village did finally turn off their Christmas lights in honour of our safe arrival. We also learned that a regular at the Wheatsheaf Inn in Burn had put a £1 coin in a tin every night we were out at sea, as had many others, and together they’d raised over £1,000, which was fantastically generous.

  ‘It’s a real village community, and they’d followed us and supported us every step of the way,’ said Janette. ‘And when we got back we found out that the BBC had gone into the pub while we were at sea and filmed them. They were all doing this “Eat, sleep, row, repeat” rhyme, which is brilliant.’

  And our husbands? Our children? Did they cope? Did they miss us? Were we as invaluable as we had thought? Did the world that clearly revolved around us collapse as soon as we had gone?

  ‘As far as I can work out, they had real fun,’ said Frances. ‘Rather annoyingly, they almost didn’t notice that I was gone! They just got on with things. They have such busy lives that even when I rang they were hardly ever there because they were off at their friend’s house or at a party. They did also rather brilliantly accuse me of being quite irritating when I got back. I kept on saying, “That is not important! That is froth!” Now I’m in a much better place. With the passing of time, I can see that some things are completely trivial, and others are not, and others are worth making a fuss about! I am much more patient. But it is amazing how quickly things return to normal. My boys did love the whole experience and they loved that first day in Antigua when we arrived at the harbour. They loved being in La Gomera as well, at the start, and seeing all those fantastically fit sportsmen and women, and us, competing on a sort of level playing field with everybody else. They got all that. If I overhear them talking to their friends about it they say they’re “so proud” of their mum. And it’s not often you hear that. I see that sometimes Jack will put #yorkshirerows or something on his Instagram. Quietly, they’re very proud. In fact, my older one, Jay, talks about it a lot. And Jack, I think he just wants to know I’m completely back, and I’m not going off again. For all of us, to a degree, we’re hanging onto the adventure because we’ve had such a good time.’

  In Niki’s family the reaction was similar. ‘They were very proud. I think my father, Pete, enjoyed the whole thing almost as much as I did. He was there every step of the way. And Gareth? He is so utterly proud of me! Every so often he just stops, looks at me, gives me the biggest hug and tells me how amazing I am and asks if I can believe what we have achieved. It makes every hardship experienced worth it. Both my boys had a lot of fun while I was away, as they had so much going on and so many invitations and people visiting, but you can see that they like us being together again. There were so many parents at school who were very kind. It does make you realise that you have a lot of special people in your lives.’

  And for Helen it has always been about the positivity.

  ‘I wanted my children to be part of the whole journey, which they have been. They went to the North Sea. They went to Southwold. They met Greg from South Africa and they met Ocean Reunion when we rowed the North Sea. They met those amazing characters who are “can do”, who climbed Everest. Extraordinary people you don’t get to meet very often. I’ve got a great picture of Henry with Perfecto Sanchez, an ex-army entrepreneur from New York who became the first American to row the North Sea. He’s a fantastic bloke and Henry’s helping him fold the American flag. So they would never have experienced any of that, and they have absorbed all that positivity. They’re talking about wanting to do similar things and I just think that’s why I wanted to do it, because I wanted them to get that “I can do anything” mentality.’

  ‘I really miss the ocean,’ said Janette. ‘It’s addictive. I would love to be back out there again – it is like being on another planet. Ben has sailed a lot and understands what it’s like to be out at sea for a long period of time, so I am very fortunate that he knows how long it takes to cross an ocean, and how difficult it can be to adjust to normal life afterwards. The whole adventure was incredible.’

  And what of us? What did we learn from rowing 3,000 miles, battling a hurricane, living in a space about twice the size of a family car with nothing but Bounce Balls, whales, the stars and Mamma Mia! for sustenance, company and entertainment?

  Frances:

  ‘What did I learn? That if you want to change your life, you can. If I can do it, anyone can. Just because you are a parent and a wife and you work, you can still have an adventure. Life is risky, but it’s worth taking risks. You never know what is going to happen or what is round the corner: “A brand new start or the bitter end.”

  ‘I think I am a textbook introvert – my favourite night out really is staying at home and reading a book! I was worried before I set off that I would struggle to be in the constant company of other people, but being able to retreat into the cabin several times a day on my own proved to be plenty of time for me to recharge. I don’t think I would have enjoyed rowing solo. I wanted to be able to share this wonderful adventure, and the memories the four of us have of those weeks on the ocean will stay with us for the rest of our lives. No matter how hard we try, I don’t think it’s possible to accurately describe what it feels like to cross an ocean in a rowing boat, but the four of us do know, and we have a very deep bond as a result. This trip has made me believe that I can do absolutely anything. I have a place in the Marathon des Sables in 2018, and there is no doubt in my mind that I will do it. But I’ll just do it on my own, and I’ll go out there, give it my best, make some new friends and have a really great time. One of my favourite quotations is from Theodore Roosevelt:

  It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

  ‘That really resonates with me. What matters is what we think of ourselves and not what others think of us. I was at this dinner on Friday night, talking to another lawyer whom I’ve only met a few times, but she seems very similar to me in lots of ways, and she said: “Some people just moan about it, and some people do something about it. And you have done something about it.”

  ‘My life–work balance is out of control again, but this time I can handle it better. I am now focusing on the Marathon des Sables. I can’t wait. I am so excited. Fulfilling a dream doesn’t fill a hole; what it does do is open up a world of possibilities that I want a bit more of. So I will keep doing events like the Marathon des Sables, and I am doing a London-to-Paris cycle ride. I still feel that restlessness. But I now have no regrets. If I were to die tomorrow, I think I have used my time well. I have met amazing people and have had extraordinary experiences and I have loved and been loved. A few years ago, because of my work, I felt downtrodden. I don’t feel downtrodden any more.’

  Niki:

  ‘For me, I realised what it was to be patient. I was Mrs Structured. And not knowing when I was even going to get there was my greatest challenge. Everything was a chore – eating, sleeping, going to the toilet, changing and repairing the wheel bearings in my two hours. But I soon realised I could only do one thing at a time. It is like the art of Zen.

  ‘Watching the waves on deck, flowing past the boat, you were always rowing and watching the waves flow away from you, the up and down motions, the cresting waves and the rocking motion of the boat – it was sometimes like being hypnotised. It could be incredibly calming and almost spiritual. I can remember at night, my favourite moments were on deck, the
boat skimming across the waves, the stars lighting up the skies and listening to the sounds of the sea and feeling at peace with the world.

  ‘It was my time, and it gave me a chance to think things through, stuff that maybe before I went I hadn’t been happy with, to really try to understand it in an environment that’s so removed from everything. It was almost like a therapy boat for me. Sometimes I was upset when my two-hour rowing stint was over. There is nothing like repetitive exercise to set your brain free.

  ‘Since coming back, I’ve started to put in place some of the things I decided I would change while I was out there. And that’s what I’ve found really exciting. Some of them are small, stupid things, like the frustration of constantly having to tidy up the house. Out there, I decided that actually I needed to simplify my life, simplify my house and everything in it. And I’ve started. I’ve been through every single item of clothing I have, and every book on my shelves. I’ve been through all sorts of stuff. I’m slowly working my way through the house and I am simplifying everything. And that’s helped counterbalance that unsettled feeling – because I can see something I’ve got out of that journey. ‘Normally, New Year’s resolutions just go out of the window immediately – I’m not very good at keeping things up – but this time it’s been easier. There’ve been so many things that I’ve done or I’ve changed since I’ve come back, and I would never have instigated that sort of change without the challenge. And I also decided to try and get more involved in my children’s interests. I have been involved in helping out at my son’s junior rugby for a number of years and I decided I wanted to do this properly so I’ve got myself qualified as a Level 1 Rugby Coach. It’s not something I would have committed to previously but is important to me to show my boys that you can continue to try new things and do things a little differently. And this has led to me working with York RUFC to set up a brand new girls section for 11-17 year olds to offer them the same opportunities as the boys in our local area. You take the first step and all of a sudden all these other opportunities come out of it, quite amazing!

  ‘One of my resolutions is to be less focused, because I am very detail-conscious. If you’d seen me as a child you’d have thought I should be living in some commune somewhere, painting pictures or making something. You wouldn’t have me down as a conscientious, detail oriented businessperson in any way, shape or form. But I am trying to change. Normally I would be over everything. But now I’m not. ‘I was really cautious before, and that caution seems to have gone. I feel liberated. I don’t seem to overthink things in the same way. I am much less anxious and worried. I’ve slept better since I’ve come back than ever before.’ The overriding lesson I seem to have gained from the journey we took is an real appreciation for those people who surround us. You do realise the happiness you have in life comes from being with your amazing family and friends, and not the ‘stuff’ you gather on the way.’

  Helen:

  ‘Everyone should have what they consider to be an adventure, no matter how small. There is opportunity everywhere. There are so many things you can do, achieve and contribute to, which before I would have thought I would not be able to do. Now I think, “Why not?” You don’t have to be brilliant at it. You can have a go and be part of something.

  ‘It’s true what Carsten says. I didn’t agree or believe him at the time, until I’d done it myself, because I thought, “I’m a 45-year-old woman, it’s not going to happen to me.” But Carsten says that the people he says goodbye to (because he shakes your hand when you set off) and the people he welcomes back to Antigua are very different people. When you step off that boat, you’ll be a different person. And it is completely true. You have nine weeks of pure thinking time on that boat, and water’s very emotional. When I stepped off that boat I was very different indeed.’

  For Helen, even though she was perhaps the toughest of all of us on the ocean, her return to Yorkshire has been a little more problematic.

  Her children, Henry and Lucy, have been amazing. ‘I will never forget seeing them in Arrivals at Heathrow, with their shiny smiles! Their lives were by far the most disrupted – they had to board at school and stayed with their granny at weekends, but they had been so consistently positive about the whole thing. Henry plotted our journey on a chart, making a huge collage. He researched every team and told us all the time where we were on Yellow Brick.’

  Every time Helen called home Henry would offer up some piece of advice or helpful hint. He was genuinely involved, right down to suggesting ocean-friendly shampoo. Lucy has now vowed to row her own ocean. ‘She is like me – she won’t stop! She did a 25-mile sponsored walk the other day and was one of the few to finish.’

  However, Helen and Richard’s relationship has moved to a different place. While he is living and working in the Isle of Man, she has – for the moment – opted to stay put in York while their children are at school.

  ‘He’s got his own adventure at the moment. He’s very busy with that and he loves his new job, and his new life on the Isle of Man, so he’s in a very different place. We’ve come back as different people and I definitely want to do more things and have more adventures. It was a difficult decision to make, but the right one. I think our children were not that keen to move either – their lives are here and they need to be listened to. Richard comes back and forth, and we go over there all the time. I know I can live independently quite happily.

  ‘I have recently developed a real craving for mountains! Weirdly, I was sent a climbing rope in the post the other day – no one knows where it came from! I have looked and tried to work it out, but no one ordered it in our house. So, of course, it’s a sign! I called up the local climbing centre and someone has just dropped out, so I am now booked in. I have climbed before, but now I’m taking it up again!

  ‘This challenge has given me a real yen and a confidence to do things. I have gone back to work two days a week, and I want to do something with vulnerable young people. I don’t think I could have been happy with a job on the Isle of Man, never leaving it. My focus is now the children, and getting them through their various exams. It sounds like a dual mid-life crisis, I know! But Richard was so miserable in his old job and I think he got to a point where he couldn’t see what he could do to get out of it. And now he’s fallen on his feet with an amazing job, plus he’d always wanted to live by the sea. Always. It’s so weird how it all happened. I meditated and asked for a change in the household, and then this all happened. So it is all my fault!

  ‘But that journey taught me how to be brave. It showed me that I can push my limits. When I was younger I didn’t do lots of things because I was frightened of failing. I turned down my place at the London College of Fashion because I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it. I would never do that now. Never. Richard gave me loads of confidence. And I gave it back to him. I told him, “You can go and change yourself,” which he did. For me, the Atlantic made me realise that I could do a whole lot more with my life, and that I, in fact, need a whole lot less. I don’t need half the stuff I have; it all seems very immaterial now. Our lives are very cluttered with a lot that is not very important.

  ‘I think, for me, the success of our trip is that we’re still wanting to do other things together. We haven’t come off the boat and thought, “Well, I never want to do anything with them again.” They are my best friends and they will be forever. And the other thing I have learnt? If you are suffering mentally, just sing! Preferably ABBA!’

  Janette:

  And Janette? Janette is the one who’s convinced she’s changed the least.

  ‘What have I learned? I learned that I should have sat around and read the manuals before we left. We should have known how all our stuff worked before we set off. A lot of our problems could have been avoided if we’d only known how the equipment worked.

  ‘What else? I never want to see Helen’s fanny again! I still have visions of her walking towards me, naked except for her little socks and her life jacket, holding onto
the ropes on either side of the boat!

  ‘And what else would I change? Absolutely nothing. Readjusting has been difficult. Even now, I look at a lot of things and say, “Well, does it really matter?” When I came back I had to go straight to a meeting in the US, a leadership meeting that I go to every quarter, and I was sitting in the meeting and they were deliberating, like people do in meetings, with everybody inputting and discussing, and I just thought, “Why don’t you just do it? Stop talking about it and just do it!” I must have been a little forthright because I remember one of my colleagues came up to me afterwards and she said, “This all must seem immaterial to you, having done that ocean row.” She was right. It did. I asked, “Ooh, is it obvious?” And she said yes, because I was saying, “What are you waiting for? Let’s just do it. Put those biscuits away and just get on with it!” But I have always been a bit like that!

  ‘The ocean does settle you, if you let it. Even though it’s rough, it’s not scary. I wasn’t scared in the storm. I knew we would do it. When you really believe in something, it happens. I knew it would be hard at times, but I always knew we’d get there. And I think that’s why we did – we believed. That is the power of positive thought, and with that you can do anything.

  ‘I also learnt how much I love the ocean. I am going back there in four years, this time with my husband, not rowing. We are selling up – well, not everything. We still have children to put through university and a business to run. But we are downsizing and getting a catamaran and going off to sail around the world. It’s our dream, and you know what happens when you dream – it comes true!