Four Mums in a Boat

by Janette Benaddi, Helen Butters, Niki Doeg

  ‘They are like sisters to me now, these girls, and it is great to have more sisters. I love all three of them, because they are all such different people.

  ‘One of the biggest things I have realised is that less is more. You spend half your life acquiring stuff, material things, and then the rest of your life disposing of them, whereas what is really important is your friends and family and the memories you make, the adventures you have. These are what life is about. The kindness we offer to others, and the way we can help people in our lives, is what’s important. Sometimes it takes an ocean to show us that. I have learnt so much and I am very grateful for the experience I have had. There are many paths we can choose to walk in life. We don’t always walk them, even though they are there, and we should at least try them out. What have we got to lose?’

  And what of Rose? To whom we entrusted our lives? Who looked after us for nine long weeks? Who kept us safe during those incredible three days while we were battered by a hurricane? Rose, who gave us so much joy?

  Rose is up for sale.

  ‘I love that boat,’ said Helen. ‘She’s the fifth member of our team, without a doubt. So when she goes (which I hope she will do soon, because we need the money for the charities and it’s all tied up in the boat) I might cry. Which is more than I did on the Atlantic.’

  ‘I would love to keep her,’ said Frances. ‘I really would. But she has to go. We need to pay Janette what we still owe her, and the rest goes to charity.’

  ‘She’s not been in the water since we’ve been back,’ said Janette. ‘We took her to my niece’s school. And we took her to Burn because of the lovely chap in the village who put in a pound to the pub collection every day that we were out at sea – apparently he got quite aggrieved when we were out there longer than we should have been! But that is it. It’s weird, because I see her every day. She’s in my drive. I see her bum sticking out of the shed that Ben made for her. I feel like I want to go and sit on her and just remember the feeling of being out there. I loved the night-time best. I’d be looking up, almost breaking my neck sometimes, just looking at the stars and rowing and thinking, “God, am I really here? Am I really doing this?” It was just… I can’t put into words how it felt. It was amazing out there. I can understand how the sea can be a drug to people. I want to go back out there and have that experience again as soon as possible. Because everything in the world was taken away from me, and that meant I could truly be me, and in the moment. I’ve never had that feeling like I had out there on the sea. Maybe if I did some meditation or something I’d get there eventually. I see the boat and I think, “To get on her and go back out there would be incredible.”’

  ‘I think everyone should experience what we have experienced,’ added Helen. ‘Everyone should experience being out of their comfort zone. You learn such a lot. Having said that, an adventure is different for everyone. But everyone should try something new. That’s how we ended up where we ended up. We had two hours to kill on a Saturday morning, so we decided to learn a new skill. None of us dreamed that learning to row on a river on a Saturday morning would lead to rowing the Atlantic ocean.’

  ‘It is about saying yes,’ said Janette. ‘If someone asks you to do something, say yes before anything else. It’s because I said yes to Frances that I went on this wonderful adventure that I never dreamed I would go on, something I never thought I would do in my entire life. When I was 25 years old, I never thought I would row an ocean. Never. Is it one of the things I am most proud of? Probably, yes – the feeling of accomplishment is huge. When we rowed into that harbour the feeling was overwhelming. I think we all underestimate middle-aged women. I do, we all do. We underestimate ourselves all the time. But I won’t do that again. Never. If someone asks you to play a game of badminton, just say yes, even if you’ve never played before. If someone offers you a business opportunity, just say yes. If someone asks you to help them out, say yes. You can always change your mind, but start with a yes, as you never know where it is going to take you. The moment I stepped off that boat in Antigua was fulfilling, satisfying, gratifying, everything. The only other time I’d felt like that was on my wedding day! Women can be obsessed with proving their worth, but you are as good as you want to be. We must accept ourselves, warts and all, because we all have warts. And it doesn’t matter.

  ‘I will never allow myself to think I am not good enough for anyone or anything. I now know I have nothing to prove to anyone. I am who I am. I am proud to be me. I love my vices and I love my virtues, because that’s what makes me me. Thank you, adventure, you have shown me something, but more than that you have given me the permission to be me.

  ‘We helped each other on that boat. We became really good friends, and those girls are now part of my family, and we wanted each other to do well, because we’re women. And we all came out of it stronger. I learnt from Niki to be more sympathetic. I learnt from Frances to be a lot more relaxed. And from Helen? I learnt to live in the now, to embrace feathers, and she made me laugh like I have never laughed before.

  ‘I have to admit that after a couple of glasses of wine I have gone into that shed and climbed aboard Rose. I’ve been into the cabin and lain down and thought, “Wow, this was our home for all those weeks.” When I see her there, in the yard, I ask myself if we really did take her all those miles across that ocean. I still can’t quite believe it. I still can’t quite get to grips with the fact that we did it. It’s weird. I know we did it, but it does, in many respects, feel like a dream. Because it was a dream. It was a dream to do it. And it still feels like a dream… Our dream.’

  SHIP’S LOG:

  ‘Our last lesson, and one we still have to learn: how do you fit back into life when you have been on an adventure? We need to allow the feelings of the adventure to exist without suppressing them or pretending they don’t exist. You can be very sad when you come back from an adventure. We should try to understand that it’s normal to feel like that, so we can become more engaged with life again. If our lives were always operating at a high-intensity level, we would burn out. Learning how to accept the peaks and troughs will help us prepare for our next adventure, whatever that may be!’

  (JANETTE/SKIPPER)

  The Letters

  For Frances: When you want to get off the boat…

  If you are reading this, you are probably fed up, thinking of home and wanting to get off that boat.

  That’s perfectly understandable – anyone undertaking the challenge you are engaged in would have dark moments when it all feels too much. Just remember: the darkest hour is always just before the dawn. Dawn may feel like a hell of a long way away right now, but you must take it little steps at a time, just like dawn breaking. The daylight creeps up on you in the morning: dawn doesn’t just break and instantly it’s light – it comes bit by bit, minute by minute, creeping so slowly that sometimes you can’t even notice that it has got lighter, but it WILL get lighter, and lighter and lighter, until you are standing in the sunlight. With every mile you row, you are closer to the finish, and closer to your goal, and closer to us. Take a deep breath and move forwards through the darkness, and you will arrive at your destiny.

  Love you,

  Mark, Jay, Jack (and Daisy) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  For Helen: from Lucy, Henry and Richard

  Dear Mum,

  You will be reading this when you are probably feeling tired and sad. Keep going, keep rowing and never give up – we are all watching you and willing you on. We are all proud of what you are doing and can’t wait to see you when you get home. In the words of Nick Grimshaw, ‘Jussssssst dooooooo it!’

  Love always,

  Lucy, Henry and Richard

  X

  For Janette: from Ben, James and Safiya

  Happy Christmas, Janette! We will be thinking of you today and all the way across to Antigua. If anyone can do this, you can.

  Lots of love,

  Ben, James, Safiya, the Callaus, the Wilkinsons and the Nixes

&nb
sp; xxx

  For Niki: from Gareth

  My darling Niki,

  As you set off for this great adventure I just want you to know how very, very proud I am of you, not just for this, but for everything you do. I know sometimes I find it hard to express my emotions and feelings, but know this: I am totally behind you in the endeavour, which shows a great example not only to our children, but to me as well. I am so very lucky to be married to such a fantastic woman – yes, as I’m writing this letter I am wondering why I don’t tell you that enough. You have shown us that if you put your mind to it, you can pretty much achieve anything, which has opened our eyes, for which we are very grateful.

  I will be thinking of you every moment of every day as I have done for the last 25 years. This will be the longest we’ve ever been apart and I’m looking forward very much to seeing you again in Antigua and hearing all about this fantastic adventure.

  We will of course miss you, but you will be absolutely fine. You have us very well drilled and trained in the art of time management! You have left us very well placed to make sure that we continue to stay well organised. I think I’ve even got the hang of the washing machine and the dryer.

  I think, for us, the time will fly, as we will be busy with Christmas and the holidays and then back to school, and before we know it, it will be half-term, which can’t come soon enough. I suspect the time may sometimes drag a little bit for you, however…

  We are very much looking forward to plotting your progress. I am sure that I have said it before, but make sure you make the most of this trip. Embrace it, enjoy it, work through any lows – think of us and all the support that is urging you on. Ride the highs for as long as you can and make the most of it. You are going to be a member of a very exclusive club – as you know, there are not many women who have rowed across an ocean, nevermind the Atlantic. There are also not many men who are fortunate enough to be married to women who have rowed the Atlantic, so it seems I am lucky enough to get a big upside without the effort!!

  But most importantly, stay safe, take care.

  All my love, always,

  Gareth

  XXX

  For Frances: When the going gets tough …

  ‘Invictus’ by W. E. Henley

  Out of the night that covers me,

  Black as the pit from pole to pole,

  I thank whatever gods may be

  For my unconquerable soul.

  In the fell clutch of circumstance

  I have not winced or cried aloud.

  Under the bludgeoning of chance

  My head is bloody but unbowed.

  Beyond this place of wrath and tears

  Looms but the horror of the shade,

  And yet the menace of the years

  Finds and shall find me unafraid.

  It matters not how strait the gate,

  How charged with punishment the scroll,

  I am the master of my fate,

  I am the captain of my soul.

  Invictus (Latin): meaning ‘unconquerable’.

  Dig deep – you can do this, I know you can. Invictus es.

  Mx

  Thank You

  We would first like to thank everyone at HQ who has been involved in bringing our book and our story to so many people. Four Mums in a Boat would not have been possible without your investment and confidence in our story, and your desire to share it with others.

  Big thanks to our wonderful agent Eugenie and her fantastic team at Furniss Lawton for their professional and expert support. The literary world was certainly new to us. Thankfully we had you to guide us.

  Bringing four stories together is not an easy task, especially with four very opinionated women, and, Imogen Edwards-Jones, we really don’t know how you managed this so eloquently and with such professionalism. Thank you, too, for allowing us to offload our post-adventure hangovers onto you. In many ways you became our counsellor as well as our writer!

  Without our very kind sponsors we would not have made it to the start line. Our main sponsor was Progeny Private Law. In addition to the financial help it provided, the support and understanding from Frances’s colleagues and clients was invaluable. We would also like to mention Craig Whitaker. Whenever we got a new sponsor, Craig was the man to professionally produce the decals for the boat, and we were forever on the phone to him. Thanks, too, to both Paul Cheung, our chiropractor, who gave us free treatments for almost two years, helped prepare us for the North Sea crossing, and even came to La Gomera to treat us before we set off, and to Sir Gary Verity and his professional staff at Welcome to Yorkshire for spreading the news of our adventure and, in doing so, helping our efforts to raise money for our chosen charities, Maggie’s and Yorkshire Air Ambulance.

  Thank you to everyone who worked so hard holding events to raise money, and to those who donated themselves. This was not only hugely appreciated by us, but by our chosen charities too.

  Special mention goes to the people of the village of Burn who raised money for our charities and kept the village Christmas lights on until we reached land.

  Our infinite gratitude goes to the thousands of people who supported us through social media. Your words of encouragement and kind messages meant the world to us and kept us going in bad times and good.

  There are so many people who helped us accomplish this great adventure, and so many new friends we have met along the way. Our list is endless so please forgive us if we did not mention you here: you all know who you are and how you have helped us, and we are forever grateful to you.

  Thank you.

  Helen’s Thank You:

  I would like to thank my family: my husband Richard, and my children, Lucy and Henry, for their support and encouragement from planning to doing to finishing. Without you all I couldn’t have done it. Thank you to my brother Paul and my sister-in-law Linda, who tweeted for England whilst I was rowing, and to my sister Clare and brother-in-law Nick for their support. I also want to thank my dear mum, Anne, who travelled all the way to Antigua on her own to meet me at the finish line at the grand old age of 81! Thanks, Mum. Finally I would like to thank my dad, who is no longer with us but was certainly with me in spirit along the way: he definitely kicked me up the arse on many occasions!

  Janette’s Thank You:

  First and foremost, I would like to thank my husband, Ben. Ben, you have always supported me in whatever I have done and this adventure has been no different. Your advice on the sea, our boat, and our technical equipment, and being our weatherman, helped to make this a successful journey. I am so grateful for your enthusiasm and devotion, and I consider myself one of the luckiest women on earth to have you in my life. To my two children, James and Safiya, you are both just starting out in life and the future holds so many opportunities for you both. Grasp them as they present themselves – you will be glad you did. I know my journey has inspired you both, and I am as proud of you as you are of me. To my dad and mum, David and Mary, what can I say? I am who I am because of you. You showed me how to be tough, resilient, brave, positive and kind – all attributes that helped me cross my ocean. I wasn’t the best teenager and I know I put you both through some tough times. You never stopped loving me and I am so proud to be able to say I am your daughter. To my three sisters, Maria, Joanne and Jane, even though you thought I was crazy to do this, you all still believed in me. Jane and Ricardo, thank you for the best surprise of my life – seeing you both at the finish line. To all my friends and family, thank you for your support. None of you ever doubted me and I am so lucky to have all of you in my life. Last but not least, I thank my three crew members, Helen, Frances and Niki – first for tolerating me as a skipper (most of the time), and second, for being yourselves in every way one can imagine on that 3,000-mile journey. I love all three of you, and you have all taught me some valuable life lessons. Thank you.

  Frances’s Thank You:

  I would simply like to thank Mark, Jay and Jack (in any and every order!).

  Niki’s T
hank You:

  I would like to thank my wonderful husband, Gareth, and our two amazing boys, Corby and Aiden, for all their support, love and belief. This got me across that ocean, and they inspire me constantly. I also want to thank my mum and dad for all their incredible support, and my parents-in-law for being there for us when needed.

  My brother’s photography was wonderful, and so was our brilliant artwork and design, arranged by cousin Chris. For all those I know or work with who were so kind as to sponsor us on our journey, either through funding or through offering their expertise, the belief you had in us kept me going, and I can’t thank you enough.

  The rest of our lovely family and a great group of friends also need special thanks for helping so much in so many different ways – supporting our fundraising, helping out when I was away, and just keeping me sane when things got mad! I love you all.

  Picture Section

  With Dr Caroline Lennox for our rowing weekend in Perpignan, France in September 2013.

  Meeting Rose for the first time in Burnham-on-Crouch.

  Our first outing with Rose, trying to tip her over.

  With Greg Maud, Ross Johnson, Oliver Bailey, Jason Fox and Perfecto Sanchez who also rowed across the North Sea in May 2015.

  On BBC Breakfast with Naga Munchetty and Jon Kay after our North Sea crossing.

  Helen’s children Lucy and Henry, and Niki’s children Aiden and Corby, waiting to wave us off in Southwold before we set off across the North Sea.