P G Wodehouse - Uneasy Money

by Uneasy Money

  Everybody had a suggestion now. The cook advocated drowning. The parlour-maid favoured the idea of hitting the prisoner with a broom-handle. Wrench, eyeing the struggling apron disapprovingly, mentioned that Mr Pickering had bought a revolver that morning.

  'Put him in the coal-cellar,' said Lady Wetherby.

  Wrench was more far-seeing.

  'If I might offer the warning, m'lady,' said Wrench, 'not the cellar. It is full of coal. It would be placing temptation in the animal's way.'

  The odd-job man endorsed this.

  'Put him in the garage, then,' said Lady Wetherby.

  The odd-job man departed, bearing his heaving bag at arm's length. The cook and the parlour-maid addressed themselves to comforting and healing the scullery-maid. Wrench went off to polish silver, Lady Wetherby to resume her letters. The cat was the last of the party to return to the normal. She came down from the chimney an hour later covered with soot, demanding restoratives.

  Lady Wetherby finished her letters. She cut them short, for Eustace's insurgence had interfered with her flow of ideas. She went into the drawing-room, where she found Roscoe Sherriff strumming on the piano.

  'Eustace has been raising Cain,' she said.

  The Press-agent looked up hopefully. He had been wearing a rather preoccupied air.

  'How's that?' he asked.

  'Throwing eggs and plates in the kitchen.'

  The gleam of interest which had come into Roscoe Sherriff's face died out.

  'You couldn't get more than a fill-in at the bottom of a column on that,' he said, regretfully. 'I'm a little disappointed in that monk. I hoped he would pan out bigger. Well, I guess we've just got to give him time. I have an idea that he'll set the house on fire or do something with a punch like that one of these days. You mustn't get discouraged. Why, that puma I made Valerie Devenish keep looked like a perfect failure for four whole months. A child could have played with it. Miss Devenish called me up on the phone, I remember, and said she was darned if she was going to spend the rest of her life maintaining an animal that might as well be stuffed for all the liveliness it showed, and that she was going right out to buy a white mouse instead. Fortunately, I talked her round.

  'A few weeks later she came round and thanked me with tears in her eyes. The puma had suddenly struck real mid-season form. It clawed the elevator-boy, bit a postman, held up the traffic for miles, and was finally shot by a policeman. Why, for the next few days there was nothing in the papers at all but Miss Devenish and her puma. There was a war on at the time in Mexico or somewhere, and we had it backed off the front page so far that it was over before it could get back. So, you see, there's always hope. I've been nursing the papers with bits about Eustace, so as to be ready for the grand-stand play when it comes--and all we can do is to wait. It's something if he's been throwing eggs. It shows he's waking up.'

  The door opened and Lord Wetherby entered. He looked fatigued. He sank into a chair and sighed.

  'I cannot get it,' he said. 'It eludes me.'

  He lapsed into a sombre silence.

  'What can't you get?' said Lady Wetherby, cautiously.

  'The expression--the expression I want to get into the child's eyes in my picture, "Innocence".'

  'But you have got it.'

  Lord Wetherby shook his head.

  'Well, you had when I saw the picture,' persisted Lady Wetherby. 'This child you're painting has just joined the Black Hand. He has been rushed in young over the heads of the waiting list because his father had a pull. Naturally the kid wants to do something to justify his election, and he wants to do it quick. You have caught him at the moment when he sees an old gentleman coming down the street and realizes that he has only got to sneak up and stick his little knife--'

  'My dear Polly, I welcome criticism, but this is more--'

  Lady Wetherby stroked his coat-sleeve fondly.

  'Never mind, Algie, I was only joking, precious. I thought the picture was coming along fine when you showed it to me. I'll come and take another look at it.'

  Lord Wetherby shook his head.

  'I should have a model. An artist cannot mirror Nature properly without a model. I wish you would invite that child down here.'

  'No, Algie, there are limits. I wouldn't have him within a mile of the place.'

  'Yet you keep Eustace.'

  'Well, you made me engage Wrench. It's fifty-fifty. I wish you wouldn't keep picking on Eustace, Algie dear. He does no harm. Mr Sherriff and I were just saying how peaceable he is. He wouldn't hurt--'

  Claire came in.

  'Polly,' she said, 'did you put that monkey of yours in the garage? He's just bitten Dudley in the leg.'

  Lord Wetherby uttered an exclamation.

  'Now perhaps--'

  'We went in just now to have a look at the car,' continued Claire. 'Dudley wanted to show me the commutator on the exhaust-box or the windscreen, or something, and he was just bending over when Eustace jumped out from nowhere and pinned him. I'm afraid he has taken it to heart rather.'

  Roscoe Sherriff pondered.

  'Is this worth half a column?' He shook his head. 'No, I'm afraid not. The public doesn't know Pickering. If it had been Charlie Chaplin or William J. Bryan, or someone on those lines, we could have had the papers bringing out extras. You can visualize William J. Bryan being bitten in the leg by a monkey. It hits you. But Pickering! Eustace might just as well have bitten the leg of the table!'

  Lord Wetherby reasserted himself.

  'Now that the animal has become a public menace--'

  'He's nothing of the kind,' said Lady Wetherby. 'He's only a little upset to-day.'

  'Do you mean, Pauline, that even after this you will not get rid of him?'

  'Certainly not--poor dear!'

  'Very well,' said Lord Wetherby, calmly. 'I give you warning that if he attacks me I shall defend myself.'

  He brooded. Lady Wetherby turned to Claire.

  'What happened then? Did you shut the door of the garage?'

  'Yes, but not until Eustace had got away. He slipped out like a streak and disappeared. It was too dark to see which way he went.'

  Dudley Pickering limped heavily into the room.

  'I was just telling them about you and Eustace, Dudley.'

  Mr Pickering nodded moodily. He was too full for words.

  'I think Eustace must be mad,' said Claire.

  Roscoe Sherriff uttered a cry of rapture.

  'You've said it!' he exclaimed. 'I knew we should get action sooner or later. It's the puma over again. Now we are all right. Now I have something to work on. "Monkey Menaces Countryside." "Long Island Summer Colony in Panic." "Mad Monkey Bites One--"'

  A convulsive shudder galvanized Mr Pickering's portly frame.

  '"Mad Monkey Terrorizes Long Island. One Dead!"' murmured Roscoe Sherriff, wistfully. 'Do you feel a sort of shooting, Pickering--a kind of burning sensation under the skin? Lady Wetherby, I guess I'll be getting some of the papers on the phone. We've got a big story.'

  He hurried to the telephone, but it was some little time before he could use it. Dudley Pickering was in possession, talking earnestly to the local doctor.

  14

  It was Nutty Boyd's habit to retire immediately after dinner to his bedroom. What he did there Elizabeth did not know. Sometimes she pictured him reading, sometimes thinking. Neither supposition was correct. Nutty never read. Newspapers bored him and books made his head ache. And as for thinking, he had the wrong shape of forehead. The nearest he ever got to meditation was a sort of trance-like state, a kind of suspended animation in which his mind drifted sluggishly like a log in a backwater. Nutty, it is regrettable to say, went to his room after dinner for the purpose of imbibing two or three surreptitious whiskies-and-sodas.

  He behaved in this way, he told himself, purely in order to spare Elizabeth anxiety. There had been in the past a fool of a doctor who had prescribed total abstinence for Nutty, and Elizabeth knew this. Therefore, Nutty held, to take the mildest of
drinks with her knowledge would have been to fill her with fears for his safety. So he went to considerable inconvenience to keep the matter from her notice, and thought rather highly of himself for doing so.

  It certainly was inconvenient--there was no doubt of that. It made him feel like a cross between a hunted fawn and a burglar. But he had to some extent diminished the possibility of surprise by leaving his door open; and to-night he approached the cupboard where he kept the materials for refreshment with a certain confidence. He had left Elizabeth on the porch in a hammock, apparently anchored for some time. Lord Dawlish was out in the grounds somewhere. Presently he would come in and join Elizabeth on the porch. The risk of interruption was negligible.

  Nutty mixed himself a drink and settled down to brood bitterly, as he often did, on the doctor who had made that disastrous statement. Doctors were always saying things like that--sweeping things which nervous people took too literally. It was true that he had been in pretty bad shape at the moment when the words had been spoken. It was just at the end of his Broadway career, when, as he handsomely admitted, there was a certain amount of truth in the opinion that his interior needed a vacation. But since then he had been living in the country, breathing good air, taking things easy. In these altered conditions and after this lapse of time it was absurd to imagine that a moderate amount of alcohol could do him any harm.

  It hadn't done him any harm, that was the point. He had tested the doctor's statement and found it incorrect. He had spent three hectic days and nights in New York, and--after a reasonable interval--had felt much the same as usual. And since then he had imbibed each night, and nothing had happened. What it came to was that the doctor was a chump and a blighter. Simply that and nothing more.

  Having come to this decision, Nutty mixed another drink. He went to the head of the stairs and listened. He heard nothing. He returned to his room.

  Yes, that was it, the doctor was a chump. So far from doing him any harm, these nightly potations brightened Nutty up, gave him heart, and enabled him to endure life in this hole of a place. He felt a certain scornful amusement. Doctors, he supposed, had to get off that sort of talk to earn their money.

  He reached out for the bottle, and as he grasped it his eye was caught by something on the floor. A brown monkey with a long, grey tail was sitting there staring at him.

  There was one of those painful pauses. Nutty looked at the monkey rather like an elongated Macbeth inspecting the ghost of Banquo. The monkey looked at Nutty. The pause continued. Nutty shut his eyes, counted ten slowly, and opened them.

  The monkey was still there.

  'Boo!' said Nutty, in an apprehensive undertone.

  The monkey looked at him.

  Nutty shut his eyes again. He would count sixty this time. A cold fear had laid its clammy fingers on his heart. This was what that doctor--not such a chump after all--must have meant!

  Nutty began to count. There seemed to be a heavy lump inside him, and his mouth was dry; but otherwise he felt all right. That was the gruesome part of it--this dreadful thing had come upon him at a moment when he could have sworn that he was sound as a bell. If this had happened in the days when he ranged the Great White Way, sucking up deleterious moisture like a cloud, it would have been intelligible. But it had sneaked upon him like a thief in the night; it had stolen unheralded into his life when he had practically reformed. What was the good of practically reforming if this sort of thing was going to happen to one?

  '... Fifty-nine... sixty.'

  He opened his eyes. The monkey was still there, in precisely the same attitude, as if it was sitting for its portrait. Panic surged upon Nutty. He lost his head completely. He uttered a wild yell and threw the bottle at the apparition.

  Life had not been treating Eustace well that evening. He seemed to have happened upon one of those days when everything goes wrong. The cat had scratched him, the odd-job man had swathed him in an apron, and now this stranger, in whom he had found at first a pleasant restfulness, soothing after the recent scenes of violence in which he had participated, did this to him. He dodged the missile and clambered on to the top of the wardrobe. It was his instinct in times of stress to seek the high spots. And then Elizabeth hurried into the room.

  Elizabeth had been lying in the hammock on the porch when her brother's yell had broken forth. It was a lovely, calm, moonlight night, and she had been revelling in the peace of it, when suddenly this outcry from above had shot her out of her hammock like an explosion. She ran upstairs, fearing she knew not what. She found Nutty sitting on the bed, looking like an overwrought giraffe.

  'Whatever is the--?' she began; and then things began to impress themselves on her senses.

  The bottle which Nutty had thrown at Eustace had missed the latter, but it had hit the wall, and was now lying in many pieces on the floor, and the air was heavy with the scent of it. The remains seemed to leer at her with a kind of furtive swagger, after the manner of broken bottles. A quick thrill of anger ran through Elizabeth. She had always felt more like a mother to Nutty than a sister, and now she would have liked to exercise the maternal privilege of slapping him.

  'Nutty!'

  'I saw a monkey!' said her brother, hollowly. 'I was standing over there and I saw a monkey! Of course, it wasn't there really. I flung the bottle at it, and it seemed to climb on to that wardrobe.'

  'This wardrobe?'

  'Yes.'

  Elizabeth struck it a resounding blow with the palm of her hand, and Eustace's face popped over the edge, peering down anxiously. 'I can see it now,' said Nutty. A sudden, faint hope came to him. 'Can you see it?' he asked.

  Elizabeth did not speak for a moment. This was an unusual situation, and she was wondering how to treat it. She was sorry for Nutty, but Providence had sent this thing and it would be foolish to reject it. She must look on herself in the light of a doctor. It would be kinder to Nutty in the end. She had the feminine aversion from the lie deliberate. Her ethics on the -suggestio falsi- were weak. She looked at Nutty questioningly.

  'See it?' she said.

  'Don't you see a monkey on the top of the wardrobe?' said Nutty, becoming more definite.

  'There's a sort of bit of wood sticking out--'

  Nutty sighed.

  'No, not that. You didn't see it. I don't think you would.'

  He spoke so dejectedly that for a moment Elizabeth weakened, but only for an instant.

  'Tell me all about this, Nutty,' she said.

  Nutty was beyond the desire for evasion and concealment. His one wish was to tell. He told all.

  'But, Nutty, how silly of you!'

  'Yes.'

  'After what the doctor said.'

  'I know.'

  'You remember his telling you--'

  'I know. Never again!'

  'What do you mean?'

  'I quit. I'm going to give it up.'

  Elizabeth embraced him maternally.

  'That's a good child!' she said. 'You really promise?'

  'I don't have to promise, I'm just going to do it.'

  Elizabeth compromised with her conscience by becoming soothing.

  'You know, this isn't so very serious, Nutty, darling. I mean, it's just a warning.'

  'It's warned me all right.'

  'You will be perfectly all right if--'

  Nutty interrupted her.

  'You're sure you can't see anything?'

  'See what?'

  Nutty's voice became almost apologetic.

  'I know it's just imagination, but the monkey seems to me to be climbing down from the wardrobe.'

  'I can't see anything climbing down the wardrobe,' said Elizabeth, as Eustace touched the floor.

  'It's come down now. It's crossing the carpet.'

  'Where?'

  'It's gone now. It went out of the door.'

  'Oh!'

  'I say, Elizabeth, what do you think I ought to do?'

  'I should go to bed and have a nice long sleep, and you'll feel--'

 
'Somehow I don't feel much like going to bed. This sort of thing upsets a chap, you know.'

  'Poor dear!'

  'I think I'll go for a long walk.'

  'That's a splendid idea.'

  'I think I'd better do a good lot of walking from now on. Didn't Chalmers bring down some Indian clubs with him? I think I'll borrow them. I ought to keep out in the open a lot, I think. I wonder if there's any special diet I ought to have. Well, anyway, I'll be going for that walk.'

  At the foot of the stairs Nutty stopped. He looked quickly into the porch, then looked away again.

  'What's the matter?' asked Elizabeth.

  'I thought for a moment I saw the monkey sitting on the hammock.'

  He went out of the house and disappeared from view down the drive, walking with long, rapid strides.

  Elizabeth's first act, when he had gone, was to fetch a banana from the ice-box. Her knowledge of monkeys was slight, but she fancied they looked with favour on bananas. It was her intention to conciliate Eustace.

  She had placed Eustace by now. Unlike Nutty, she read the papers, and she knew all about Lady Wetherby and her pets. The fact that Lady Wetherby, as she had been informed by the grocer in friendly talk, had rented a summer house in the neighbourhood made Eustace's identity positive.

  She had no very clear plans as to what she intended to do with Eustace, beyond being quite resolved that she was going to board and lodge him for a few days. Nutty had had the jolt he needed, but it might be that the first freshness of it would wear away, in which event it would be convenient to have Eustace on the premises. She regarded Eustace as a sort of medicine. A second dose might not be necessary, but it was as well to have the mixture handy. She took another banana, in case the first might not be sufficient. She then returned to the porch.