by Amber Garza
“I see your plan worked,” Talia’s voice cuts into my thoughts. She slides on the bench next to me. I scoot away from her without saying a word. I’ll give her a taste of her own medicine. Show her what it’s like to be ignored. “You couldn’t stand not being a part of the Panthers little fan club, could you?”
I bite my tongue to keep from responding and keep my eyes trained on the field. Hayes rounds into home, and his gaze flickers over to me. When he sees Talia, his eyebrows knit together. But I smile at him, hoping to appear brave and strong. He doesn’t need to be worrying about me. He needs to focus on the game.
“You must be really desperate, though, if you’re slummin’ it with Hayes.”
It’s the last straw. “I’m not slumming’ it. Hayes is a great guy.”
She stands and claps. My face flames as I glance around, wondering what the hell she’s doing. “Bravo. Man, you are good.”
I shush. “Sit down. What the hell is wrong with you?”
She does as she’s told, but she’s still wearing an amused grin. “Since when are you embarrassed to be the center of attention? I thought you craved that.”
“You don’t know me anymore, Talia,” I speak through gritted teeth.
A breeze whisks over us, carrying the scent of freshly mowed grass. Annoyance bubbles inside of me over the fact that Talia is tainting this experience. I wish she’d leave me the hell alone. The Panthers take the field, and my gaze focuses on Hayes.
“Oh, I know you, Ash. I know you better than anyone. And that’s why I know exactly what you’re doing.” She smiles wickedly. “You’re so transparent. I can’t believe he’s falling for it. I mean, you’ve hooked up with like every guy out there. How could he not know he’s just another notch on your belt?”
“It’s not like that.”
“You may have Hayes fooled, but you’ll never fool me.”
I’m tired of this conversation. Sighing, I run my fingers through my silky hair. It smells like vanilla. “What are you even doing here, Talia?”
“Josh invited me.”
My pulse sings beneath my flesh. “What? Why? Are you two together?”
The triumphant smile that spreads across her face betrays that I walked right into her trap. “For being so into Hayes, you seem to care a lot about who Josh is seeing.”
Blowing out a breath, I stare out at the field. “I honestly don’t care who Josh is seeing. I was just surprised, that’s all.”
“Well, we’re not together. I’m not interested in your leftovers, Ashley.”
I snort. “Then why’d you kiss Josh?”
“He wasn’t your leftover at the time. He was still your main course.” She stands. “Have fun with my leftovers though.”
Anger pulsates through my body as she stalks off. It takes all my willpower not to stand up and grab Talia by the hair. But getting in a catfight during the Panthers first fall scrimmage would be about the worst thing I could do right now. It would confirm what everyone thinks of me. And I won’t do that.
I especially won’t do that to Hayes. He’s gone out on a limb for me, and I don’t want to let him down. For once in my life, I’ll be someone to count on.
Luckily, Talia doesn’t return for the remainder of the scrimmage, so I’m assuming she showed up simply to mess with me. Rattle my cage a bit. I wish it hadn’t worked so well. The remainder of the game her words knock around in my head like a never-ending game of pinball.
I always hated pinball. I had a boyfriend in junior high that loved to go to the arcade and play it. Most annoying game ever, in my opinion.
And so are Talia’s words. As hard as I try to act happy and nonchalant, I can’t shake this sense of dread.
After the game, I sit and wait for Hayes. The few parents I don’t recognize climb down from the bleachers and head to the parking lot. It’s weird now that Cal and Chris have graduated. Usually Emmy and her dad would be here, and Christian’s mom would sit at the top smelling of incense, her bracelets tinkling. Speaking of which, it’s odd that Josh’s dad missed the scrimmage. He rarely misses these things. Perhaps he’s on a date with Mrs. Alcott. I’ve heard things have gotten pretty hot and heavy with them lately. When Josh and I were together, I learned to keep my mouth shut about it because the subject used to set him off. But now I’m curious.
Hayes finds me on the bleachers. He drops his bat bag on the bench.
“How did we do?” he asks.
“You played great as always,” I say honestly. “But some of the other guys could use some work. I mean, I hate to say it, but Chase is no Cal.”
Hayes’ face is grim. “Yeah, I know. I’m hoping he improves. At least it’s only the fall season. We have time to get it together by spring.” Once I stand up, Hayes wraps his arms around my waist and grins. “But you thought I was great, huh?”
I nod. “Like always.”
“I’m surprised you noticed how I played before tonight.”
“Of course I did. A person would have to be blind to not see how good you are.”
He kisses me on the nose. It’s cute and corny, and one of the sweetest gestures ever. His gaze travels over my shoulder to the empty bleachers, and darkness flashes in his eyes.
“You miss him, huh?” I ask.
“It’s weird not having him here.” He pulls me closer. “You know, he was the one who taught me to play ball.”
“Really?” My brows lift. “Your dad didn’t teach you?”
His expression hardens. “No. My dad didn’t teach me much of anything, other than how to be a jerk.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Not your fault.”
Josh and Chase emerge from the dugout and walk past us. Josh glances over with a smirk. “Man, you just can’t help yourself, huh, Ashley? Can’t stay away from us baseball players.”
Hayes stiffens, his grip on me loosening. Josh and Chase walk off laughing. When I feel Hayes pulling away, I grab onto him and yank him back.
“What an ass,” I mutter under my breath.
“He is an ass,” Hayes agrees. “But is there any truth to what he said?”
It’s a valid question. One I wish he didn’t need to ask. “It’s true that I’ve gone out with a lot of the guys on the team. And you know why I love baseball. You’re the only guy on the team that knows the real reason, actually. So I’d be lying if I said that I don’t want an excuse to come out to games. It was really hard for me when I wasn’t welcome here.” I swallow hard, every word difficult. As much as I love being with Hayes, there’s a part of me that struggles. I’m not used to being exposed like this. It’s like every time we’re together I’m peeling back layers of myself and spreading them out for him to see. On the one hand, it’s nice not to have to pretend. That was exhausting. But in some ways this is exhausting too, just in a different way. “If you’re asking if I’m dating you just to be a part of the Panthers again, the answer is no. But do I see it as a perk? Yeah. Sure, I do.”
“Well, I can definitely live with being a perk,” Hayes says.
“Better than being a prick, huh?” I joke.
Hayes’ eyes widen, and he bursts into laughter. “Oh, man, with a mouth like that you could totally hang out with the guys.”
It’s meant as a joke, but it hits me the wrong way. My entire body goes numb, my heart hammering in my ears. Hayes senses my shifting mood, and he stops laughing.
Staring at my face, I can see understanding wash over him. “Oh, no, Ash, I didn’t mean it like that. Your joke was really funny. That’s what I was trying to say.”
He’s so innocent. So pure. Maybe this is a mistake.
“How many girls have you been with Hayes?” I ask abruptly. His face immediately turns red, and I have my answer. I know he and Talia never had sex, and I kind of suspected that he was a virgin. Shaking my head, I slip out from under his grip and back away from him. “This probably isn’t a good idea.”
“What? Just because I haven’t been with anyone else? Is it rea
lly that important to you that I have experience?” Coldness seeps into his tone.
“That’s not what this is about,” I say.
“Then what is it about?”
“Hayes, do you have any idea how many guys I’ve been with? So many that I don’t wanna say. And most of them are your friends.” Not wishing to see the disgust written on his face, my gaze darts to the grass. I study each forest green blade as if it’s going to do something interesting. “I could turn into a totally different person. Hell, I could become sweet and kind like Emmy Fisher. But I can’t take back the things that I’ve done. I can’t erase all the guys I’ve been with. And one day you’re gonna realize that you can’t do this. That you’re not okay with being with someone like me. So it’s probably best if we just end it now.”
“Yeah, that might be best,” Hayes says, surprising me. “But it’s not what I want.” He bridges the gap between us and tugs me toward him. “Ash, I’ve known you for years. Your past isn’t a shock to me. Yet, for some crazy reason, I still wanna go out with you.” He chuckles. “I know you’re used to calling the shots, but I am the guy, and I’d like to take the lead on this one.”
His words send shivers down my spine. I’m used to going out with control freaks. Hayes isn’t one. In fact, he’s known as kind of a pushover. So seeing him take control is a total turn on. “Okay,” I say with a grin.
His arms slide around my waist, his face coming closer. “You may have kissed a lot of guys, Ash, but I guarantee you haven’t had a kiss like this one.” Reaching out, I slide my palms up his chest as his lips gently brush over mine. Lightly. Once. Twice. Then his lips press down more firmly, first his top one, then his bottom. His tongue darts out, softly licking along every ridge and nuance of my mouth. I think he’ll part my lips, but he doesn’t. His tongue retreats, his lips drawing back from mine. I clutch his shirt in my fingers and wait. Every fiber in my being wants to tug his lips back onto mine, but I told him I’d let him take the lead, so I will. Besides, I like it.
His lips near mine again, hot breath fanning my face. But this time instead of his mouth covering mine, he nips at my bottom lip with the edges of his teeth in a playful way. In my experience, kisses aren’t fun or playful. Don’t get me wrong. I like kissing. Hell, I’ve done it enough times. But my kisses are usually calculated, planned. They’re for a purpose. Kissing Hayes isn’t like that. When I kiss Hayes, it’s simply because I want to. And from the looks of things, I’d say that’s his only agenda as well.
He releases my bottom lip, and his mouth firmly plants over mine. This time his tongue teases open the seam of my lips and darts into my mouth. It swirls over my tongue and teeth, sweeps the roof of my mouth. His hands travel up my spine and neck until his fingers tangle in my hair. My hands roam his chest, feeling his muscles through his shirt. I’m surprised at how muscular and taut his chest is. He’s a bigger guy, but there isn’t much fat on his body. Shame washes over me as I once again remember the mean things I’ve said about him. But I shove the thoughts aside, focusing only on this moment.
If Hayes can forget about my past and move on, then I will try to do the same.
HAYES
“Dinner with the fam. Pretty big step, bro,” Jameson’s voice floats through my cell phone.
I adjust the bat bag on my shoulder. A few of the guys on the team wave in my direction as they head off the field after practice. A cool breeze blows over my sweat-soaked skin. “It’s not that big a deal.”
“You’ve only been going out a couple weeks. Don’t you think you’re moving a little fast?”
When I step off the grass, my feet clomp on the pavement. “She’s been around the family before. Gramps is one of the main reasons we’re together.”
“Yeah, I guess…” Jameson’s voice trails off.
I stop walking. “Why don’t you say what you called to say, Jameson?”
“Dude, this is Ashley McIntosh we’re talking about.”
“I’m aware of who I’m dating, big brother.”
“Are you?”
The hair on the back of my neck prickles. A few of the guys have reached their cars, and engines rumble into the night. “What’s that supposed to mean.”
“It’s just that the girl you talk about sounds nothing like the Ashley McIntosh I remember from Prairie Creek High.”
“I know,” I say, stepping forward. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. She’s changed.”
“This huge transformation happened after her boyfriend made out with your girlfriend?” He pauses. “And now you two are together.”
My stomach twists. “I know it seems suspicious.”
“Damn right it does.”
“But it’s not, okay? I mean, yeah, I think that event bonded us in some weird way. But Ashley really likes me. I’m sure of it. And I like her. End of story.” When I reach my car, I unlock the passenger side door. Then I press the phone to my ear with my shoulder and toss my bat bag inside.
“Fair enough. I’ll back off. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. You’re barely getting over what Talia did to you.”
I soften at his words. “I’ll be fine.” There’s no way I can tell him I won’t get hurt, because I don’t know. Relationships are a gamble. After closing the passenger door, I make my way to the driver’s side.
“I still think you’re moving too fast though.”
Groaning, I shake my head. “It’s dinner with the family, bro. No biggie. Ashley’s been around my family plenty already. She visited Gramps in the hospital all the time, and that was before we were together.”
“Don’t even get me started on how weird I think that is,” Jameson mutters. “But I wasn’t talking about dinner. I was talking about you and how you always jump in with both feet when you start dating someone. Just remember it’s your senior year. You don’t want to get tied down this year. Colleges are crawling with Ashleys. Trust me.”
I lean my back against the car and stare up at the sky. “I’m not going away to college, remember?”
“You’re sticking with your junior college plan, huh?”
It’s like a punch to the gut. “It’s not a plan,” I speak through gritted teeth. “It’s reality. I don’t have the grades to get into a college. My only prayer is junior college at this point.”
“I just don’t want to see you sell yourself short.”
It’s so easy for Jameson to say these things. College was never a question for him. It was a given. He’s a straight A student and a hell of a ball player. I’m an average student and good ball player, but not the best. It’s a wonder I don’t hate the guy. Then again, it would be impossible to. Jameson is not only one of the smartest, most talented guys I know, but he’s also the most charming. Everyone likes him.
“I’m not,” I assure him.
“All right. Well, I better let you go home to the family dinner. Give Mom and Gramps a hug for me.”
“Will do.”
***
While I’m helping Mom with dishes after dinner, Ashley sits in the family room regaling Grandpa with all the details of our last scrimmage. My lips twitch at the edges as I listen to her. She gets most of it right, but the things she gets wrong are cute. Still, I love that she’s doing this for him. That she’s trying to make him feel as if he was there. When she and I are together, there are times where the old Ashley pops up, but when she’s with Grandpa, there are no traces of that girl. She’s sweet and innocent, childlike almost.
“She makes him happy, huh?” I say to Mom when she notices me watching them.
Mom smiles. “It seems like it’s a two-way street.”
I nod. Grandpa fills a void in Ashley’s life, that’s obvious. I like to think that I do that for Ashley too, but I can’t be sure. With Grandpa it’s clear. Turning my attention away from the family room, I stick a plate in the dishwasher. “I talked to Jameson earlier.”
“Oh, yeah? How’s he doing?” Mom wipes down a chrome pot. Water slides down her arm.
&nbs
p; “Good.” I glance back toward Grandpa and Ashley. “Mom, do you think I’m making a mistake?”
“With Ashley, you mean?” she whispers, careful to make sure they can’t hear. But I know they can’t. They’re deep in their own conversation. As if on cue, Ashley’s giggle wafts into the kitchen.
I nod.
Mom bites her lip, thinking. “At first I was skeptical, but watching her tonight, I can tell that she really likes you.”
“Really?”
“Don’t seem so surprised.” Mom pats my cheek. “You’re a catch.”
I snort, shaking my head.
“What?” Mom’s lips curl upward at the corners. “I’m serious.”
“I know you are.” Mom is my biggest fan. She’s made up for the fact that my dad’s been pretty much MIA. My mind travels to Ashley’s dad and the one time I met him at the hospital. That day I remember thinking how Ashley and I were similar, but the more time I spend with her, the more I realize that wasn’t a fair comparison. Sure, we both have distant dads, but I have an involved mom. She doesn’t. Not that she talks about her mom much, but I’ve known her mom for years. That woman has issues.
I fill up the remainder of the dishwasher and then slam it closed with my hip. “Thanks for dinner, Mom.” Leaning over, I stamp a quick kiss on Mom’s cheek.
She smiles. “Any time.” Mom works long hours at the hospital, but somehow she manages to still cook amazing meals and keep the house up. And she never appears frazzled or spread too thin. I don’t know how she does it.
When I enter the family room, Ashley and Grandpa both look up. At Ashley’s large grin, my heart soars. Grandpa looks between the two of us, an amused smile on his face.
“I’m about to watch one of my shows,” Grandpa says, throwing me a knowing look.
I nod, silently thanking him. It’s not that I don’t love spending time with my grandpa, but I was hoping for some alone time with Ashley.
“Wanna go sit outside?” I ask her.