by Amber Garza
He peers up at me smugly. “Ah, I see. You haven’t been with her yet, have you?”
I shove my finger into his chest. “You have no idea when to shut your damn mouth, do you?”
“Hayes.” Brady’s hand is on my arm. “C’mon, man. You don’t wanna do this.”
“Yeah, don’t be mad at me just because your girl isn’t giving it up,” Josh says with a sick smile.
At his words, the fire inside me withers. He has no idea what Ashley gives me. Our relationship is so much deeper than sex. It’s why I’ve been able to overlook the fact that she’s been with so many guys on the team. Does it suck? Yes, it does. I am a guy, and it hurts my pride a little. But I know that all Ashley gave them was her body. Nothing more. In so many ways, I’m her first. The first guy who’s seen who she really is underneath all her pretending and scheming.
Stepping back, I say, “What Ashley and I do in private, stays private. She’s a girl, not my property. And I’m certainly not going to share with the whole damn baseball team what we do. Because unlike you, I respect her. She means something to me.” I glare at him in disgust. “I feel sorry for you. You have no idea what it’s like to connect with someone. You only know how to use. It must be a pretty sucky life you have, huh, Joshy?”
“At least I get some.” Josh smiles.
His words only confirm what I know to be true about him. I shake off Brady’s hand. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to hit him. He’s not worth it.”
Glancing up, my breath catches in my throat. Ashley stands on the other side of the dugout, her face visible through the fence. Her lips quiver, her eyes wide. Shit.
I whirl around, heading out of the dugout.
Brady grabs me by the arm. “Hayes, man, what are you doing? It’s the middle of the game.”
I yank my arm out of his grasp. “I’ll be back. Cover for me.”
“What?” He reels back, perplexed, as I tear out of the dugout. But I don’t have time to explain. I have to get to Ashley. I don’t know how much she heard, but I have to do damage control. Man, the way Josh was talking about her was disgusting. She must be sickened.
Commotion sounds behind me, but I ignore it. I’m sure when Coach Hopkins notices I left I’m going to get my ass chewed out, but I can’t think about that right now. All I care about is making sure Ashley’s all right. She’s more fragile than people realize, and she’s barely hanging on right now. I’m afraid this will push her over the edge.
Rounding the backside of the dugout, I find Ashley standing in the grass looking shell-shocked. Her expression cuts to my heart, and I rush forward.
“Ashley,” I start, ready to apologize, to offer words of comfort. Anything to make her feel better. But I don’t get the chance. Before I can say anything, her hands come up to frame my face and her mouth closes firmly over mine. Her hands are ice cold, her body trembling. But her kiss is steady, sure. She doesn’t skip a beat as she draws my face closer with her palms. Our tongues meld together in a sensual dance as our mouths move in sync. My arms circle her tiny waist, and she moves so close that our chests press together. I can feel her heartbeat mingling with mine. I want nothing more than to stand here all day kissing my girl. But I hear the team taking the field. Worse, I hear my name being called out by Coach. My stomach bottoms out, and I reluctantly tear my lips from Ashley’s.
“Thank you,” Ashley breathes.
Her words stun me. “For what?”
“For the things you said in there.” Her smile is pained.
“Ash, what Josh was saying, that was--”
“I don’t care what he said. I only care what you said, and that was beautiful. No one’s ever defended me like that before.” Her smile fades. “But I am sorry that I put you in that situation.”
“You didn’t. Josh did,” I say firmly.
“I don’t deserve you.” I open my mouth to protest, but she lifts a finger to my lips. “But don’t worry. I’m way too selfish to walk away now. I want to be with you, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Glad to hear it.” I release her. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
She nods. “Get back out there and kick some ass.”
“Yes, maam.” I spin around as Coach hollers out my name again. As I hurry forward, I should feel dread, but I don’t. No matter how much trouble I get into, it will be worth it.
***
“Tough game, huh?” Ashley asks as I drive us home after the scrimmage.
“I’ve had better,” I reply.
“You miss having him there, huh?”
She doesn’t have to specify. We both know she’s talking about my grandpa. I ease on the brakes as I come up on a red light. Sweat gathers under my hat, soaks my shirt. I’m anxious to take a shower. “Yeah. It’s hard for both of us. I know he hates being stuck at home.”
“Maybe we could get him out there. With the nurse’s help and his wheelchair it might work,” Ashley suggests.
“Nah. He’s already recovering so slowly, I don’t wanna make him worse. I’d regret it the rest of my life.”
“Yeah, I know what that’s like.” Ashley stares out the passenger window. I glance over to see her picking at a thread on her jeans. It reminds me of the night I drove her home from the party. Lost and sad. What did she mean by that cryptic statement?
The light turns green, and I press on the gas. We slowly move forward. With my free hand, I reach out and touch her thigh. She flinches, but then relaxes under my touch. “Hey. Is this about what the guys were saying in the dugout? Because I told you that was in the past. You don’t need to regret that.”
“Well, I do, but that’s not what I was talking about.” She traces my hand with her fingertips, and chills skate up my arm. “I was actually thinking about my own grandpa.”
My heart stops. I’ve always known there was more to this story. I hold my breath, hoping this is when she’ll finally share it. Ashley has been slowly piecing out information about her life, the same way Hansel and Gretel left that trail of breadcrumbs. And I’ve been savoring every single one.
“I know that my relationship with Henry seems weird to everyone. I’m sure you’ve even wondered about it.”
“At first I did,” I admit, flicking on my blinker as we near a turn.
“That day in the coffee shop, I was feeling so lonely. And then I looked up and Henry was falling over. In that moment it was like I went back in time. He reminded me so much of my grandpa. It all happened so fast, I didn’t even have time to think. I just reacted. And after I helped him, he offered for me to sit and talk. No one else had talked to me all week.” She shrugs. “He was so kind, and he reminded me of the only other person in the world that I’ve ever truly been real with.”
“Your grandpa,” I state.
“Yeah.” She sighs. “We were so close. I used to go to his house almost every day. It got me away from…everything at home. But then he got sick. Ended up in the hospital.” Her bottom lip quivers, and she bites down on it. “I was too scared to visit him. I thought it would be hard to see him like that. So I never went. Figured I’d see him when he got out.” A tear escapes, and she brushes it away. It takes every ounce of willpower I have not to pull over the car and gather her in my arms. She appears so frail and vulnerable. But instead, I keep driving. I focus out the window, knowing that she needs to get this out. She needs to get it off her chest. Sometimes that’s the only way we can heal. “But he never made it out of the hospital. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell him what he meant to me. How much I loved him” Her words are shaky, the tears flowing now. “And I’ve lived with the guilt ever since.”
“Ash, you couldn’t have known.”
“Still, I should’ve been there for him. I was selfish. I was out with Talia that whole weekend, like my grandpa wasn’t dying in a hospital somewhere. I mean, how selfish was that? Afterward, I vowed never to let myself get close to anyone else, since clearly I’m poison. I’m no good to people.” She offers a trembling smile. “But
then I met Henry, and it was like I was being given a second chance.”
“You were.”
Her head bobs up and down. “I feel like I got more than just a second chance with my grandpa. I feel like I got a second chance at life.”
“We’re offered second chances all the time, Ash, but only the bravest among us actually take them.”
ASHLEY
“Doesn’t this feel like old times?” I link arms with Emmy as we make our way across the dead grass covering Old Man Willis’s property.
“Yeah, it does.” She frowns.
“Hey.” I squeeze her arm. “It’s not like old times though. It’s different.”
Emmy squirms. “I don’t know if I should be here.”
“Nonsense. You totally belong here.”
She sighs, appearing agitated. “I should probably call Taylor. Make sure she doesn’t need me. She’s getting so close to her due date.”
“I’m sure she’ll call you if she needs you,” I say cheerily, trying not to get irritated with how she’s acting. I mean, I knew we wouldn’t be able to slip right back into being best friends, but she had promised to at least make an effort. Right now she’s acting like someone who’s been taken prisoner. I wanted Emmy to hang out with me again, but not out of obligation. “Besides, her aunt and uncle are with her. I’m sure she’s fine.”
“Yeah,” she says, but doesn’t sound convinced. Her gaze scours the field.
“Are you reliving last year?” I ask with a smile. “This is where you and Chris first kissed, right?”
“Not here. It was in his car in front of my house. But it was after a party,” Emmy says. “You were so drunk that he had to give us a ride home.”
“You’re welcome.”
This elicits a smile from Emmy, and that makes me happy. “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to thank you for that,” she banters back. “I haven’t been to a party since Chris went away to college.”
“Then I’m glad I got you out here.”
She peers over at me. “You haven’t been to one this year either, have you?”
“Well, I went to one.” My stomach sours, and it must register on my face, because Emmy offers me an apologetic smile.
“I’m not even sure it’s a good idea for me to be here now. I mean, parties are to flirt and hook up. And I’m certainly not going to be doing that.” Sliding her arm out from under mine, she hugs herself.
“Of course you’re not. That’s why Chris trusted you enough to let you come.” I pause, thinking. “Does Chris know you’re here with me?”
“Yeah, he does.” A group of guys amble past us, shooting us appreciative glances. My skin prickles. In the distance I spot Heather and a few of my former friends, but not Talia. I haven’t seen Hayes yet either, but I know he’s here somewhere. Probably with Brady. I keep my eyes peeled for baseball hats. “But he knows you’re with Hayes now and that you’ve changed. And like you said, he trusts me.”
The last statement pricks at me like a thorn. I hope she doesn’t see the tiny scar it leaves. And I wonder if people will ever trust me. If they’ll ever truly believe I’ve changed. It seems doubtful. But I’m determined to try, so I push down the negative thoughts.
“Emmy!” A boy’s voice calls out.
My head whips to a group of guys all motioning Emmy over. I grab her arm, but she shakes it off as she greets them.
“It’s okay. They’re harmless,” she says.
I’m about to protest when I catch sight of Hayes across the field. My heart skips a beat at the sight of him, and my breath hitches in my throat. The way I respond to him always surprises me. “All right. I just saw Hayes, so if you’re okay here, I’m gonna go say hi.” I stop, meeting her gaze.
“Yeah, it’s fine,” she speaks slowly. “But thanks for checking.”
The old Ashley never would’ve done that. I can tell that’s what she’s thinking by the look in her eyes. It lifts my spirits. Gives me hope that I can prove to her that I’m new and improved. It might take time, but I know I can do it.
“Sure. I’ll be right back.” I wink. “Hopefully with Hayes.”
While Emmy heads over to the group of guys that were calling out to her, I hurry in Hayes’ direction. My feet clomp in the dirt, voices swirl around me, and the scent of the firepit drifts under my nose. But all I can think about is how good it will feel when Hayes draws me into his arms. My heart swells as I move closer to him. He hasn’t seen me yet because his back is to me. But I know when he does, he’ll throw me that heart-stopping smile of his. I used to think Cal had a heart-stopping smile, but I was wrong. His smile made me feel desire, but it never stopped my heart.
I thought that coming to this party would be hard. I’ve been wanting to attend a party since Hayes and I first started going out, but I was afraid to. I was afraid it would bring up too many bad memories. But it doesn’t. Josh’s kiss with Talia seemed like the worst thing in the world the night that it happened, but now I see that it was a blessing in disguise.
That night was the kick in the pants I needed to turn my life around. For me it had been a pruning of sorts.
I remember my mom pruning the rose bushes when I was younger. It was a tedious process, and when she was done the bushes looked terrible. All scrawny and bare. But when they bloomed into beautiful roses, I knew that wouldn’t have happened without the pruning. It was necessary.
And that’s how I feel.
In the weeks after Josh and Talia’s kiss, my life was dark and desolate. Frayed and damaged, like I’d been cut open, broken apart. But it was because of that night that I eventually ended up with Hayes. It was because of that night that I connected with Henry, and that I’m starting to reconnect with Emmy.
The people in my life now are true friends, people who genuinely care about me. And I never had that before.
Hayes is only a few feet in front of me, but even if he turns around now he won’t see me. A group of people block my path. I’m about to maneuver around them, when I freeze. Talia approaches Hayes. I watch, fully expecting him to tell her to get lost. But if he does, she doesn’t listen. In fact, she’s talking and smiling like they’re friends. I can’t see his face, but I can see hers, and it turns my stomach.
An image flashes in my mind. It’s Hayes’ face the night of that fateful party. He was so lovesick over Talia. And that wasn’t the only time I’ve seen him like that. Over the summer I’d spent enough time with the two of them to see that look over and over. But have I ever seen it directed toward me? I think I have, but I can’t be sure.
Perhaps he still has feelings for her.
I’d been so mean to Hayes in the past. I’d made fun of him. I’d rejected him.
And yet he so easily forgave all that. At least I thought he had.
But could it have been a ploy? A way to get what he really wanted?
Shaking my head, I will the thoughts away. No. Hayes isn’t like that. He doesn’t manipulate. He’s pure and good and kind. Right? Doubt takes root, and I’m not sure. I’m not sure about any of it. The longer Talia stands there talking to Hayes, the more confused I become. It wouldn’t be the first time someone stabbed me in the back, that’s for sure.
You’re worthless. My mom’s voice rattles in my head, and I fight to breathe evenly.
I was stupid to think that Hayes would like me for me. It was a fantasy. A pipe dream. Like my online videos. It sounded good in theory, but it would never work. Turning away from Hayes, I claw at my throat, struggling to breathe.
“You okay?” A guy I don’t recognize approaches me. He looks older, and he’s pretty hot. When my gaze flickers up to the ball cap on his head, my eyebrows raise.
Suddenly, I’m able to catch my breath. “Are you in college?”
“I am.” He smiles.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m in town for the weekend, and my younger brother invited me along.” He smiles. “A second ago, I was thinking that it was pretty lame and I was gonna take off.” H
is gaze travels the length of my body. “But now I think I’ll stay.”
“Because of me?” I ask coyly.
“That depends.” He leans in close. So close I can feel his breath on my face. It makes my head spin. Hayes may want Talia back, but clearly there are still guys who want me. And I’ll be damned if I stick around here playing second fiddle to Talia. “Do you want me to stay?”
“Oh, yeah. I think I’d like that.”
“I’m Bo.” He sticks out his hand.
I shake it. “Ashley.”
“Well, Ashley.” He glances around. “What do you say we go somewhere a little…quieter?”
Warning bells go off in my head, but I silence them. The last time I came to a party I had my heart broken. I’m not going to let it happen a second time. No way will I let Hayes and Talia make a fool of me. This time the joke will be on them.
“Sure.” I allow him to hold my hand and guide me toward the barn at the edge of the property. Beyond that is nothing but darkness and grass, and it causes my stomach to twist a little, but still I follow.
“Ashley?” Emmy jogs over to me, concern on her features. “What’s going on?” Her gaze flutters up to Bo. “Who is this?”
“This is Bo,” I say, a hard edge to my voice. The last thing I need right now is Miss-Goody-Two-Shoes butting into my business.
“Where is Hayes?”
I snort. “Go find out yourself. I’m outta here.”
Bo chuckles, pulling me forward.
“Are you serious?” Emmy asks. “You’re leaving with this guy?”
I throw her a smug look before scurrying to catch up to Bo’s side.
“Unbelievable,” Emmy mutters under her breath.
As we near the barn, all I can see is the disappointed look on Emmy’s face, and I worry I might puke. But then I remember Talia talking with my boyfriend a few moments ago, and my heart hardens back up.
This is what I have to do. It’s the only way to protect myself.
HAYES