by Amber Garza
I’m searching the party for Ashley when Talia approaches me. Earlier I’d been talking with the guys when I noticed Ashley and Emmy entering the party. It made my heart swell to see them together again. In fact, it reminded me of old times. Those two were joined at the hip for awhile. Back then I didn’t get it. I had always liked Emmy. She was innocent and raw. So unlike the girls who usually hung with the baseball team. And I couldn’t figure out how Emmy ended up becoming friends with Ashley. I know it was all a ruse then, but I’m certain their friendship will last this time.
Oddly enough, I think Ashley’s a lot more like Emmy than I’d originally thought.
“What do you want, Talia?” I ask, irritated. When I broke away from the guys, all I wanted was to hold my girl in my arms. Not get side tracked by my ex.
“I just wanted to say hi. Geez.” She smiles sweetly.
Other people might fall for her little act, but I don’t. “Since when do you and I say hi?”
“We were friends before we dated. Remember?”
I do remember, but it feels like a lifetime ago. “You were a different person then.”
“This coming from the guy who’s dating Ashley.” Chuckling, she shakes her head. “You know she’s only going out with you to get back at me.”
“You don’t know her anymore. She’s not like that.”
“I can’t believe she has you all fooled like this. Ashley doesn’t change. I’ve known her since we were kids.”
“You never knew her. Not the way I do.”
“You’re really buying into her act, huh? Wow. I thought you were smarter than that.”
That’s it. I don’t need to stand here and listen to this. I step around Talia. “I’m smart enough to know who to trust, and that sure as hell isn’t you.”
“I’m just trying to protect you,” Talia speaks from over my shoulder. There was a time when I would have believed her, but that ended the minute she kissed Josh. It’s funny to think about how much I liked her back then. Now that I’ve seen what she’s really about, I’m not attracted to her at all. “She will break your heart. Trust me.”
Shaking my head, I stomp over crunchy leaves and yellow grass, trying to get as far from Talia as possible. But no matter how far I walk, I know her words will stick with me. Ashley is different. She’s nothing like the person she used to be. And I believe that the Ashley she is around me is the real Ashley. But deep down I worry that this is all just an act, and that one day the former Ashley will return and take over.
I’m starting to fall in love with Ashley, and I can’t stand the thought of her one day tossing me aside like I’m trash. I think of the things she used to say about me. The way that she treated me. It stung even at the time. Now it would kill me.
My gaze scans the field, but I don’t see Ashley. After several minutes of watching students chug alcohol and act crazy, I finally spot Emmy. She’s talking with a few of the younger guys on our team. I don’t see Ashley, but I’m sure Emmy knows where she is.
“Hey, Emmy,” I say when I reach her. “Do you know where Ash is?”
She swallows hard, her neck swelling with the effort. Her face is somber, and a sense of dread drops into my gut.
“I’m sorry, Hayes,” she says, her eyes crinkling in the corners as her face scrunches up in a ravaged look.
“Sorry about what?” My stomach churns.
“She went off with some guy.”
“What guy?” I’ll kick his ass.
She shakes her head. “I don’t know. He was like college aged.”
Frantically, my head moves back and forth, scouring the area. “Where did he take her?” Adrenaline pumps through my veins.
Her head swivels toward the barn. “I saw them go that way.” Emmy’s hand lands on my arm. “Listen, I don’t think she’s changed the way you think she has. I mean, before she left with him she was acting just like the old Ashley.” She sighs. “I really wanted her to be different. For your sake.”
“She is different,” I insist. None of this makes any sense. We were so happy earlier today. “Emmy, you said she was acting like the old Ashley. In what way?”
“Going off with another guy,” she says as if she’s surprised she has to spell it out.
Something isn’t adding up. “Did something happen when you guys got here. I mean, was she upset or anything?”
“No. Not at first. She kept talking about trying to find you. Then a few minutes after we got here, she said she spotted you. She left for a minute, then came back with some other guy. And it was like she flipped a switch.”
Talia. She saw me talking to Talia. And she must have misinterpreted it.
“Thanks, Emmy.” I spin around.
“Where are you going?”
“To find her,” I say. “To fix this.” As I stalk away from Emmy, I pray that Ashley hasn’t done anything stupid. I’ll forgive her for going off with that guy, but if I catch her kissing him or touching him or worse, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get past it.
A sense of déjà vu fills me as I head toward the barn. An image of Talia and Josh groping each other fills my mind, and my chest tightens. I silently pray that I don’t find Ashley like that. As I near the barn, I hear noises coming from the other side.
I hesitate, unsure if I want to see what’s on the other side. But I have to. Besides, what if the guy hurts her? Emmy doesn’t know him, and she said he’s older. What if Ashley needs me to protect her?
My nausea grows with every step forward. I round the corner, making my way to the backside of the barn. At the sight in front of me, my stomach tumbles to the ground.
“Ashley?” I rush forward to where she sits on the ground, her back resting against the side of the barn. She lifts her head from her knees, tears raking her cheeks. Her makeup is so smeared she looks like something out of a horror movie. “Are you okay?” My gaze travels down her body, but nothing seems out of place. Other than her tear-stained face and mussed hair, everything else is perfect. “Did he hurt you?”
“Who?”
I press my lips together. “Emmy told me you went off with another guy.”
Her face drops. “I’m sorry, Hayes.” More tears fall from her eyes, and her lips quiver.
I back away from her, feeling my heart crack. “Ash, what did you do?”
“Nothing.” She shakes her head, wiping at her face. “I just went off with him. I only did it to make you jealous, because I’d seen you talking to Talia. But when he tried to kiss me, I couldn’t do it.”
Relief washes over me like the crash of a cool ocean wave on a sweltering day at the beach. But I’m not ready to celebrate quite yet. “Ash, Talia just walked up and started talking to me. I didn’t seek her out. Did you really think I’d go after her again? I’m with you.”
“I know,” she whispers.
“Then why are you so upset?” I’m still dumbfounded by her behavior. None of what she’s saying is adding up. “What is it that you’re not telling me?”
Breathing deeply, she wipes at her face again. Then she tucks an errant strand of hair behind her ear and lifts her chin. “Do you want to know why I used to be so mean to you? Why I always rejected you?”
“I think I already know the answer to that,” I say. “And quite frankly, I’d rather not rehash it.”
“It wasn’t because I thought you were fat,” she says. “I know that’s what I said, but that was never the truth. The real reason I didn’t want to go out with you was because I was scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“I knew that if I said yes, I’d end up falling for you…and falling scares me.”
“Well, yeah. Falling scares everyone, because if you fall you might break a bone or skin your knee.”
She sighs with exasperation. “Hayes.”
“Sorry. You run when you’re uncomfortable. I make jokes.” I brush a stray lock of hair from her face. “But you don’t need to be scared of falling for me, Ash. I want you to fall, because if you do, I�
��ll finally get to catch you, and that’s something I’ve been trying to do for years.”
“But what if you drop me?”
“I won’t. Trust me, once I get a hold of you, I’ll never let go.” I wait for relief to fill her face, but it doesn’t. She still looks conflicted. “Ash?”
She bites her bottom lip. “It wasn’t just because I was scared. It was also because I knew you were too good for me.”
I scoot forward on my knees, reaching out to touch her face. “What are you talking about?”
“You’re one of the good guys. I knew that from the moment we met. And I’m poison, Hayes. I destroy everyone in my path.”
“That’s not true.” My thumb grazes the tender flesh of her cheek. There’s still remnants of her tears, and they stick to the pads of my fingers.
“It is true. Ask Emmy. Ask Talia. Hell, ask anyone.”
“Ash, that was in the past. We’ve been through this. You were playing a part, but that’s not who you are.” I press my hand to her chest. “Not deep down in here.”
One side of her lips curl upward a little, and she wraps her fingers around my hand, holding it in place. “Did you ever wonder why I felt the need to play a part?”
“I assumed it was to be popular.” I shrug.
“It was to be perfect. To make up for...” A sob leaps from her mouth. “For what I’ve done.”
“Is this about your grandpa? Because you don’t need to feel guilty about that anymore.”
She shakes her head. “It’s not about that. This is bigger than that.” She exhales, her gaze fixating over my shoulder. “This is about my sister.”
Sister? “I didn’t know you had a sister.”
“Because she died, and it was my fault.”
ASHLEY
I’m shocked by my own confession.
Not shocked that I thought it. Shocked that I said it aloud. It’s something I think about all the time. Something that plagues me. That haunts me. But it isn’t something I share with others.
However, I trust Hayes, and I want him to know. To understand.
“What are you talking about?” Hayes asks. I expect him to back away, but he surprises me by scooting closer. The look on his face isn’t one of horror. It’s one of concern. And that’s when I know for sure that I’m making the right decision in telling him.
“When I was around four years old my mom got pregnant. She was so happy.” Wistfully, I stare out at the open field. Behind us, the party rages on. I can hear laughter and chatter. It was a noise that used to excite me. Now it turns my stomach. There’s nowhere I’d rather be than here alone with Hayes. The revelation is a stark reminder of how much I’ve changed. “At least that’s what she tells me. My memories are a little fuzzy.”
“Well, of course.” Hayes smiles. “You were so young. I don’t know that I remember anything from when I was that age.”
“I guess I’ve heard the story so many times it feels like a memory, you know?” Hayes nods as if he understands. “Anyway, in the ultrasound my parents found out they were having another girl. Apparently, my mom was over the moon.” I snort. “She probably thought her next daughter would be more like her. She and I butted heads all the time when I was little. According to her, I was really difficult. I’d been a colicky baby, and as a toddler I threw fits all the time.”
“Lots of kids are like that,” Hayes says gently. “It’s not your fault.”
“Maybe not.” I shrug. “But Mom felt like it was.” Pausing, I take a deep breath. “Mom ended up losing the baby. Miscarriage.”
Hayes’ brows furrow. “I thought you said it was your fault that your sister died.”
“Mom said that I stressed her out. That she’d had some health problems during the pregnancy and the doctors told her to take it easy. But I wouldn’t allow her to relax.” My chest tightens as Mom’s accusatory words fly through my mind. Years of hearing how I ruined her life. How I took away her opportunity to have another child.
Hayes squeezes my hand. With his other arm, he reaches up and strokes my cheek. “Ash, that’s ridiculous. Your mom’s miscarriage wasn’t your fault.”
My gaze finds his. “But she said--”
Hayes cuts me off. “I don’t care what she said. She was wrong.” Freezing, I hone in on his words. “And I’m sorry, Ash. I’m sorry that she made you feel like it was somehow your fault. You were just a kid being a kid. It’s sick that she put all this on you.” His hand slides down my face, resting on my shoulder. “It must have been a terrible burden for you to carry all these years.”
A tear slips down my cheek, but before I can reach up, Hayes wipes it away with one tender brush of his fingertips. “Afterward, she started drinking. Dad started spending more time at the hospital. As I grew up, I always felt like I had destroyed my family. And I used to wonder what it would be like if I had been different.”
“If you had been perfect, you mean,” Hayes says, as if putting the pieces of the puzzle together.
“Yeah,” I whisper.
Hayes sighs, his shoulders slumping, “I hate what your mom has done to you.” Shaking his head, his eyes search mine. “You need to stop punishing yourself. You didn’t destroy your family. Your mom and dad did that all on their own.”
Reaching up, I touch Hayes’ face. “You’re always so good to me.”
He grabs my hand and stills it. “Stop acting like I’m doing you a favor, because I’m not. I care about you because you’re worth caring about.”
“Even after everything I’ve done? After the way I’ve treated you?”
“That was in the past,” he says firmly. “I’ve forgiven you for that, and now you need to forgive yourself.”
Yanking my arm back, I step away from him, hugging myself. “How did you know where to find me tonight, Hayes?”
He pauses before answering with a resigned sigh. “Emmy told me.”
“And I bet she thought I went off with that guy to cheat on you, huh?”
“She doesn’t know you the way I do.”
I turn away from him. “This whole school thinks I’m some kind of monster. Most of them will always hate me. And I don’t blame them.”
A shadow casts over me, Hayes’ outline projecting on the barn in front of me. His hands slide up my arms, causing a chill to skitter up my spine. Warm breath fans over my cheek as he leans down and presses a kiss to my neck. “Give them time to see the real you.”
“How do you know this is the real me? What if the real me is the other girl? The one my mom says I am. The one everyone hates?”
“You and I both know that girl isn’t you.” Gripping me by the shoulders, Hayes gently turns to face me. “Look at me, Ash. I know you. I know the girl you’ve pretended to be for years, and I know the girl you are now. And I know for a fact that this girl is who you are deep down inside.”
“How?”
He studies my face a minute. “Why do you like being with me, Ashley?”
His response surprises me. “Is that your way of avoiding my question?”
“No. It’s my way of answering. Tell me,” he presses.
I scrunch up my face, trying to formulate a reply. “I don’t know. It’s comfortable, and easy. This is the first relationship where I feel like I can be...” I stop, surprised by my own answer. “Myself,” I finish.
Hayes smiles. “See.”
Despite myself, I grin back. “Thank you, Hayes.”
He reaches out his arms, and I fall into them. As they tighten around me, I press my face into his chest. His shirt smells like him, and it causes my heart to skip a beat. In all my life I never felt so safe and secure as I do in Hayes’ arms. I peer up at him, and a chunk of my hair falls in my eyes. He smooths it back, and our gazes lock. “Hayes,” I breathe out. “I never would’ve cheated on you. I couldn’t.” I bite my lips. “Because…I love you.”
His eyes widen. For a minute I worry that he won’t say it back, and my chest tightens. It’s the first time I’ve ever said that to a
guy, and I don’t know if I can handle him not returning it. Bending down, he stamps his lips to my forehead. “I love you too, Ash.”
Closing my eyes, I savor the words. “You do?”
“I do,” he says. “I love you.” The fact that he repeats it makes my heart soar. Lifting my head, I kiss him. Softly. Tenderly. Drawing it out as if I hope it will never end. And a part of me hopes it never does. I could kiss Hayes forever and it still wouldn’t be long enough.
***
On Saturday morning, I show up at Emmy’s house. It’s the first time I’ve been here since last year, and it feels weird. As I wait for someone to answer, I pray it’s Emmy and not her parents. At least it won’t be Cal since he’s away at school. In fact, if he were still home I probably wouldn’t even brave coming over here.
When the door slowly opens, I swallow hard and stand up straight.
“Ashley?” Emmy’s eyebrows knit together.
“Hey, Em.” I glance around, half-expecting to see a pregnant Taylor leap out. The two of them are usually attached at the hip. Then again, Taylor stayed home last night while Emmy and I went to the party, so she’s probably still at home.
“What do you want?” She asks harshly, frowning.
Her behavior isn’t surprising. After talking with Hayes, we went in search of Emmy, but she’d already left, so I never had a chance to explain what happened. “Can we talk for a minute?”
She leans against the doorframe, her expression hard. “You know that Hayes was looking for you last night, right?”
I nod. “He found me.”
Her eyes flash. “How could you do that to him, Ashley? He’s been so good to you, and he’s believed in you. He deserves a lot better than a girl who cheats on him.”
“You’re right. He does,” I agree. “That’s why I didn’t cheat on him.”
Surprise leaps to Emmy’s face. “You didn’t?”
I shake my head. “I couldn’t. I love Hayes.”
Emmy’s head cocks to the side. “You what? Are you serious?”
“Yeah,” I say softly, the edges of my lips curving upward.
Emmy grins. “Okay, you’ve intrigued me. You can come in.” She opens the door further, pressing her back into the doorway, allowing me entry.