by Amber Garza
When I step inside, it feels like I’m walking into my past. But I know I’m not, because I’m not that girl anymore. The girl who used to hang out here is gone. Or maybe she never really existed. My gaze flickers toward Maise’s office door. “Are things the same with you and your mom?”
Emmy tosses me a pensive look, but then she nods. “You and yours?”
“Yep. Same.”
As she guides me into the family room, she says, “I guess some things do remain the same, huh?”
“And some things change,” I say.
Emmy plops down on the couch, and I join her. “It does appear that way,” she responds, but the skepticism is still there.
Nervously playing with a thread on the bottom of my shirt, I say, “I never should’ve went off with that guy. It’s just that I had seen Hayes talking to Talia, and I got scared and worried, and I guess for a minute I turned into the old me.”
Emmy appears doubtful. “There’s no way you thought Hayes would be interested in Talia again. Not after what she did to him. Besides, it’s obvious that he’s totally into you.”
Leaning down, I prop my elbows up on my thighs. “Em, I don’t know how to make you understand this. I know you don’t trust me, and I get why.” I pause. “I know I act like I’m confident and everything, but I’m not. I’m really insecure, and I try to mask that by acting like I have an inflated ego.”
“I know,” Emmy says, and I’m stunned.
“You do?”
“We were friends long enough for me to see glimpses of the person you were trying to hide. It’s the reason I agreed to try this again.”
Her words give me courage to keep going. “Hayes is the first guy I’ve really cared about. He’s the first guy I’ve dated simply because I like him. Not because of some ulterior motive. And that scares me. It’s the first time I’ve felt like I don’t have the upper hand, you know? And deep down I’m terrified of having my heart broken. And so that’s why I went off with that guy. I was trying to protect my heart. But once I got alone with him and he started coming on to me, all I could think about was how much it would hurt Hayes if I cheated on him. And I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt him like that.” My gaze drops to my hands in my lap. “Besides, I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”
“Because you love him?” Emmy asks, as if still trying to process what I’d said earlier.
“Yeah.” I smile.
“Have you told him this?”
I nod. “Last night.”
“And he loves you too?”
The broad smile that sweeps my face gives me away.
“Wow.” Emmy whistles. “This is crazy.”
“Crazy good or crazy bad?”
“I really don’t know, Ashley.” Her face grows serious. “Hayes is a great guy. I’ve always thought so. And I want to trust what you’re saying to me, but I’m sure you understand that it’s kinda hard for me.”
“I know. I lied to you and manipulated you, so I get it,” I say. “For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry, and I wish I could go back and stop myself from betraying you.”
“But you can’t.”
“No. I can’t. All I can do is be a better person now. And I’ll start by apologizing for leaving you last night. When I went off with that guy, I wasn’t just betraying Hayes, I was betraying you. We went to the party together, and I should’ve stayed with you. Made sure you were safe.”
“I can’t really be mad at you for that. I left without making sure you were safe,” Emmy says.
“But that’s just because you thought I’d run off with some strange guy.”
Emmy snorts. “That actually makes it worse.”
I wave away her words. “Nah. It makes it understandable, actually. You thought I was reverting back to my old ways. It makes sense.”
Emmy stares at me intently in silence until I’m so uncomfortable I want to crawl out of my skin. “What?” I finally say.
“It’s just weird. The whole time we were friends, I wanted you to be like this. I wanted you to shed all that fakey stuff and just be real. But you never could do that. What changed? Is it just because you lost everything?”
“That definitely pushed me in the right direction. But, no, that wasn’t completely it. Losing everything forced me to take a good hard look at myself and the part I played in all of it. But honestly, it also made me realize that I didn’t want to fight to get it back. I wanted something different.”
“And that was Hayes?”
“Hayes wasn’t planned.” I chuckle. “He’s probably the first thing in my life that wasn’t planned. We just sort of connected. It took me by surprise. And it took me by even more surprise that I wanted to pursue it. Hayes never would’ve been part of any of my plans. And I think that’s why it works. Because being with him isn’t a game. It’s what I want.”
“Why are you telling me all of this?” Emmy asks.
“Because I meant what I said the other day. I want to be friends again.”
“Why?”
“Being with Hayes makes me realize what true friendship is. And you were a true friend to me, Emmy. In fact, you’re the only true friend I ever had before Hayes. What I did to you sucked, and I want to make up for it. But more than that, I want a real friendship.”
“Okay.” Emmy nods.
“Okay? Really?” My heart jumps in my chest. Squealing, I scoot forward, and pull Emmy into a giant hug.
She coughs. “Geez. Well, one thing that hasn’t changed is your love for perfume.”
“Oh, that will never change,” I say with a light laugh.
Emmy shakes her head. “Man, I really hope this isn’t a mistake.”
“It’s not. You’ll see.”
HAYES
Red lips.
Shimmering eyes.
Curly hair.
It all flashes in my face, alluring and sexy. And I have to swallow hard.
“Hayes?” Mom comes up behind me. I hurriedly click off the computer. “What are you looking at?”
“N-nothing.”
“Hayes?” Mom’s face scrunches up in a disappointed scowl. “Were you watching porn?”
“God, no.” I shake my head vehemently.
“I know you guys think it’s no big deal, but trust me, honey, it’s harmful. I mean, think about what Ashley would think. She’s already so fragile.”
“Mom,” I stop her, unable to continue with this conversation. I click back into what I was watching. Pointing at it, I say, “It is Ashley.”
“What?” She peers over my shoulder resting her arms on the back of my chair. “Oh, she looks so pretty. Her makeup is amazing.”
“That’s what she’s doing in this video. Showing girls, women, whatever, how to do their makeup like that.”
“If only I were twenty years younger, I’d watch that tutorial.”
“You could wear your makeup like that,” I say.
“Nah.” She waves away my words with a flick of her wrist.
On the screen, Ashley is now makeup-free. She’s applying moisturizer all over face.
“She looks gorgeous even without any makeup on,” Mom observes.
“Yeah, she does.” I smile, staring into the eyes of the girl I love.
“So is this up online? Like, can other people watch it?”
“Not yet,” I explain. “That’s sort of why I panicked when you came in. Ashley’s a little nervous about people seeing it. She wanted me to watch it first.”
Mom watches with fascination as Ashley applies eyeshadow. “She’s really talented. She should definitely upload it.”
“That’s what I plan to tell her. She’s actually on her way over.” She had texted a few minutes ago saying that she was coming from Emmy’s house. I was a little worried because she didn’t indicate how it went. Knowing how angry Emmy was at the party, I’m guessing it didn’t go well. I don’t think she’ll give Ashley another chance. She may not have even given her the opportunity to explain
.
A knock on the door catches our attention.
Mom springs into action. “I better go grab it before your grandpa decides to try to get up.”
He’s been doing that lately, even though his nurse was clear that he isn’t supposed to be moving around without assistance. Mom races out of my room while I click off of Ashley’s video. By the time I stand up, Ashley’s in my doorway wearing an unreadable expression.
“How’d it go?” I venture.
She steps inside the room. “Really well, surprisingly.”
“She forgave you?”
Smiling widely, she nods. “Yeah, she did.”
“Huh.” I look down at my shoulders. First the left one, then the right one.
Ashley leans in the doorframe, appearing confused. “What are you doing?”
“Looking to see if it’s obvious that I’m missing some charm, since clearly it’s been rubbing off on you.”
“Hardy-har.” She rolls her eyes.
“C’mere.” I hold out my arms.
She hoists off the wall and slowly walks toward me. When she reaches me, she lifts her hand and rights my hat. “I still don’t understand how it always ends up sideways,” she mutters.
“One of the many mysteries of life.”
She snorts. “I don’t think it’s quite that big of a deal.”
“Everything concerning me is a big deal.”
She nestles into me, and I tighten my arms around her. “If you say so.”
“I watched your video.”
Her head instantly pops up. “What did you think?” When I don’t immediately respond, her face twists and she pulls away from me. “Oh, I was stupid, wasn’t I? I was trying really hard not to be all high-pitched and squeaky, but it’s like I couldn’t help it. Like I was possessed. I was over-enthusiastic, huh?”
“Ash.” I gently grab her shoulders. “It was perfect. You were great. Your voice wasn’t anymore high-pitched and squeaky than usual.”
She punches me in the shoulder. “Shut up.”
“Kidding. I love your high-pitched voice. It’s like dating Minnie Mouse, and I totally had a thing for her when I was little.”
“Hayes.” She tries to suppress a giggle, but she fails.
“What? She was hot with her little red skirt.” I growl.
Ashley shoves me backwards. “Stop.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll be serious.” I force a somber look. “I was really into Daisy Duck. Not Minnie.”
“Hayes!” She hollers, exasperated.
“What’s going on in here?” Mom pokes her head in, eyebrows raised.
“Oh, you know, the usual,” Ashley responds. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with Hayes about my video, but he’s making jokes about Daisy Duck.”
Mom and Ashley share a conspiratorial look. “Yeah. Been there,” Mom says. Then she steps into the room. “But honestly, your video is amazing.”
Ashley’s face colors, and she glances at me, a question in her eyes. “You showed your mom?”
I throw up my hands. “She walked in on me. She thought I was lookin’ at porn. What was I supposed to do?”
“You look at porn?” Ashley’s brows furrow.
“No.” Geez. Between the two of them I’m going to get my ass kicked today.
Her shoulders relax, and she turns to my mom. “You really thought it was good?”
“Oh, yeah. I would definitely watch your videos if you were online.”
“You would?” Ashley responds.
“In fact, I was hoping maybe you could help me with my makeup sometime,” Mom says. “Like maybe next Friday night?”
I stop breathing.
“Next Friday night, huh?” Ashley smiles.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I stand with my legs apart as if I’m ready to pounce. “What’s next Friday night?”
“I sorta have a date.”
“What? Since when?” I snap. Ashley places a steadying hand on my arm.
“A guy from work asked me out,” Mom explains. “He’s really nice. I think you’d like him.”
I bite back a snarky remark. It’s uncalled for anyway. Mom should be allowed to date. Still, she needs to know I’ll be looking out for her. “He better be nice if he’s taking out my mom or he’s going to have to answer to me.”
Mom chuckles. “I’ll be sure to let him know that you said that.”
“You do that,” I say.
“Now that the pissing contest is done,” Ashley says with a smirk, “we can move on to what’s important – fashion.” Her gaze travels up and down Mom’s body. “Yeah, I could totally help you. We could actually go shopping this week. I can help you pick out an entire outfit.”
“I’d love that.” Mom smiles.
“Me too.” Ashley’s smile matches Mom’s, and it makes my insides flip. The two most important women in my life are bonding. I couldn’t ask for anything better.
ASHLEY
One thousand views. Eight hundred likes. Two dislikes. Haters.
I put up the video last night before I went to bed, and I was expecting maybe a handful of views by morning. Certainly not a thousand. This is crazy. My cell buzzes on my nightstand. I rush to grab it.
Hayes: Way to go, baby.
I smile. He must’ve looked first thing this morning too. I’d texted him last night before bed to tell him I uploaded the video.
Me: Thanks. I’m excited.
Hayes: Mom’s excited about her shopping trip too. Don’t make her look too good. I don’t want this guy getting the wrong idea about my mom.
I chuckle, loving how protective he is of her.
Me: I’ll do my best.
Hayes: That’s not a promise.
Me: I’m not making promises. Your mom is a pretty woman. I’m not going to make her look ugly.
Hayes: Traitor.
Laughing, I toss the phone onto my bed. After one last glance at the computer, I snatch up the outfit I’m planning to wear today and head across the hallway to the bathroom. Once inside, I turn on the shower. Heat and steam fill the room. Peeling off my pajamas, I step under the hot stream and let it beat down on my back.
My mind drifts to Hayes. To his muscular chest and heart-stopping smile. I fantasize about his tender kisses and gentle touches. We haven’t done anything more than kiss, but sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to go further with him. But the truth is, I’m not ready yet. I know it seems weird coming from someone who’s been around the block more than a few times, but that’s what makes this so exciting. The waiting. The anticipation. I’ve never had this before.
However, more than that, I love knowing I’m worth the wait. That his relationship with me is based on love.
He wants to be with me. To get to know the person I am. To talk and spend time together. There is so much more to what we have than physical intimacy, and that’s new to me.
After washing off, I step out of the shower. Still daydreaming about Hayes, I get dressed and fix my hair and makeup. When I emerge from the bathroom, a cloud of chemicals spill into the hallway.
“What’s this?” Mom snaps when I step into my room.
Startled, I leap back. My heart hammers under my rib cage, and I inhale slowly. Then I let it out in one big exhale. “Mom, you scared the crap outta me.”
Mom is pointing at my computer screen wearing an accusatory look. “Did your dad or I give you permission to splash your face all over the internet?”
“It’s a makeup tutorial, Mom. Lots of teenagers are doing it. People even get famous this way. It could be the perfect thing to get my fashion career going.”
Mom laughs. “Fashion career.”
I bristle at her mocking tone. “I could have a fashion career. Hayes thinks the video is good.”
“Hayes is a guy. What does he know?”
“His mom thinks it’s good too.”
Glaring, Mom cocks her head to the side. “Oh, really? Hayes’ mom thinks it’s good. Yeah. And she’s one I’d take
fashion advice from,” Mom says sarcastically. “Have you taken a good look at that woman? She’s a fashion disaster, just like that son of hers. Honestly, I don’t know why you waste your time with that family. They’re beneath us. She’s a nurse, for god sakes. And her husband walked out on her. What does that tell you?”
I’m stunned by how cold Mom is being. “Hayes is the greatest guy I’ve ever known. He treats me better than any other guy I’ve dated. Why can’t you be happy for me?”
“Wake up, Ashley. He’s a loser. He’s never going to give you the life you deserve. The most you can hope for is to end up like his mom. Is that what you want?
“Better than ending up like you,” I snap, stunned by my own outburst. “At least she’s a good mom.” With shaking fingers, I snatch my purse off my dresser. “In fact, I’m going to meet with her now. We’re going shopping. She has asked for my fashion expertise. Seems she believes in me more than my own mom. Glad I have someone who cares about me.”
“Oh, really?” An evil smile sweeps Mom’s face. “Where was all this care when she was cozying up to your dad?”
The air leaves me like a deflated raft. And that’s exactly what I feel like. Like a raft being tossed about in the waves. “W-what are you talking about? She’s never cozied up to dad.”
“Why do you think your dad works so many hours? It’s not for the patients. Trust me.” Bitterness taints every word.
The walls close in around me, and I find it difficult to draw breath. I’m a deflated raft, and I’m sinking, slipping beneath the surface of the water. I can feel the pull of the current, the tug of the waves.
“And you’re sure it’s her? Mrs. Parker?” My voice sounds weird, distant, airy.
“Yes, I’m sure,” she snaps. “I saw them together.”
I think about all I’ve shared with Hayes, all the time I’ve spent at his house. When Mrs. Parker asked me to help her get ready for her date, was that with my dad? Nausea rolls over me. Clutching my stomach, I blindly stumble from my room. I have to get out of here. Away from Mom’s words.
Away from it all.