Wrong in Love

by March, Aisling

  Jocelyn looked in Colin’s direction. She had noticed the same thing even though she’d been trying hard to ignore it.

  Jocelyn set her drink on the bar, feeling a little dizzy.

  “Nothing’s going on,” she repeated.

  Sophie didn’t look convinced.

  “If you say so.” Sophie took her drink and went back to Colin.

  Jocelyn took in a deep breath and decided to join her coworkers. She didn’t want to appear antisocial, and she definitely needed to take her mind off the lingering looks between her and Colin.

  An hour passed and Jocelyn had another rum and diet. Four drinks and no dinner was starting to take its toll on her. She wondered if she was laughing too loudly at jokes or sharing too much information about herself. At least she hadn’t told anyone about the miscarriage. Yet.

  She turned back to the bar to order a water. While she was waiting she picked up a menu.

  “Hungry?” Colin was at her side. His shirt was unbuttoned at the top, and as he leaned over the bar, she could smell his cologne. His eyes invited her in, and she wanted to melt into him.

  “Yeah, I haven’t eaten since lunch,” she said. Even with the numbing effects of the alcohol she was nervous being this close to him.

  “The food here is terrible. Do you want to go somewhere else and get something to eat?”

  Jocelyn set the menu down and looked at Colin. He was smiling, but he was serious. Normally Jocelyn would have said no, thank you, but after her fight with Will last night she saw no reason why she shouldn’t go out and enjoy a meal with a friend. Besides, she and Will were practically done. She just had to work out a plan, and then she was going to divorce him.

  “I’d love to,” she said.

  No sooner had Jocelyn picked up her bag then Sophie was with them.

  “Are you two coming to Forum?” she asked.

  “Um, yeah,” said Colin.

  “Okay, good.” Sophie smiled widely at Colin and wrapped her pink scarf around her neck.

  “What’s Forum?” Jocelyn whispered to him.

  “It’s the bar they go to once they’ve tired of this one. We end up there almost every Thursday.”

  “And they have good food?” she asked.

  “Oh, that’s not where we’re going. We’re going somewhere special,” he said.

  “Special how?”

  “You’ll see,” he said.

  Colin and Jocelyn left the bar with everyone else, but as the group began to hail cabs, Colin pulled Jocelyn around a corner. She felt a rush of excitement as he tugged at the sleeve of her coat, and he held her to him while everyone else piled into the cabs. She was breathing heavily, and hoped he didn’t notice.

  “Do you think they’ll notice?” Jocelyn asked once they were safely away.

  “I doubt it. They’ll just think we went home,” he said.

  “Sophie will notice,” she said.

  “She might. But she’ll have another drink or two and she’ll forget.”

  “I think you underestimate her. And her feelings for you.” Jocelyn looked up at him. He was so handsome. He looked much more grown up than Will, not at all like an overgrown frat boy.

  “Sophie’s a nice kid. She’s fun to hang out with, but I wouldn’t get serious with her,” he said.

  With everyone gone, Will started walking and Jocelyn followed.

  “Are you looking for someone to get serious with?” she asked.

  “I’m getting ready to settle down. Move to the suburbs, have a couple of kids, buy a minivan.” He laughed.

  “Sounds boring,” said Jocelyn.

  “What about you? You’re already settled down,” he said.

  “Yeah, but not by choice,” she said.

  He looked up sharply.

  “Should I have not said that? I’m sorry, I think I’ve had too much to drink,” she said.

  “No, no, it’s fine. What do you mean by, not by choice? Were you betrothed to the guy or something?”

  She giggled.

  “No, we just had to get married.” She shoved her hands into the pockets of her coat and looked down.

  “Oh. Wait, I’m confused. Are you pregnant?”

  “No, I’m not pregnant.”

  “Well, considering your alcohol intake tonight, I’d say that’s a good thing,” he joked.

  “Anymore,” she said.

  “Anymore? Oh, you’re not pregnant anymore?” His tone was understanding and gentle. She could feel his eyes on her face. She nodded.

  “I had a miscarriage about a month ago,” she said.

  He was quiet for a moment.

  “I’m really sorry.”

  “It’s all right. I’m getting over it.”

  “So let me get this straight. You were pregnant, so you got married. And then you had a miscarriage but you’re stuck married to the guy because – well, because you can’t just get a divorce now that the baby is gone?”

  “That sums it up,” she said.

  They reached the door of a small restaurant on a busy street. Without the “Open” sign on the door, she may have walked by without noticing there was anything there. They stepped inside and Jocelyn glanced around. It didn’t take long.

  There were six tables in all, each draped with a white tablecloth and candles nearly burnt to the end. Besides the linens, it looked like a pizza joint. Plastic coated menus were shoved between the salt and pepper shakers on each table. An overweight man in a sauce-covered apron stood behind the counter, quickly but expertly assembling a plate of food. Jocelyn looked to see who else worked here, but he appeared to be alone.

  “Where are we?” she asked. She sat on a hard, vinyl, red chair.

  “Sal’s. It doesn’t look like much, but it has the best food in Boston.”

  She looked doubtful.

  “Trust me on this. Try the manicotti,” he said, pointing at the menu.

  “If you say so. Can I get a water too?” She was afraid that if she didn’t have hydration soon she was going to get sick.

  Colin laughed.

  “Of course. I’ll get us some bread, too.” He went up to the counter and started talking to who Jocelyn assumed was Sal. He seemed to know him. She watched Colin as he talked, animated and charming, but not fake. She was certain that he could get along with anyone. She wondered what he wanted to do with the rest of his life.

  He came back with a basket of bread and two waters.

  “What do you want out of life?” Jocelyn asked, reaching into the basket.

  Caught off guard, he smiled.

  “Is that what you’ve been sitting here thinking about?” he asked.

  She nodded.

  “Well, let’s see. I’d like a successful career, maybe starting my own architectural firm someday. I’d like to get married, eventually, and have a couple of kids, and then retire and travel. I’d also like a second home in a foreign country,” he said.

  It was Jocelyn’s turn to laugh.

  “Isn’t this a foreign country to you?”

  “Yeah, but I want something more exotic,” he said.

  “Which country?”

  “It doesn’t matter. Somewhere hot. It’s cold enough here for me,” he said. He broke a piece of bread in half and bit into it.

  “It sure is cold,” she said.

  “Wait until winter comes. I’ve been here for almost seven years now, and it gets cold.”

  “Ugh. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. I don’t really want to. I want to go back to Florida,” she said.

  “What’s stopping you?”

  She sighed.

  “Will. He’s in law school and we’re supposed to stay until he finishes. But now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he ever wants to go back.”

  “But you two had agreed that you’d go back before you moved here?”

  “That’s right. He’s just a big, fat liar,” she said.

  “So he’s fat?” Colin joked.

  “I’m going to leave him,” she said, sudden
ly decided.

  Colin studied her a moment.

  “Are you sure?”

  Jocelyn nodded.

  “Does he know that?”

  Jocelyn thought for a moment. Did he know? It was hard to say. She’d told him right after the miscarriage that she wasn’t happy, but over the last few weeks he hadn’t seemed too concerned. Once a couple of days had passed and they’d settled back into their routine, Will had gone back to being the same goofy, inattentive husband he had been since August.

  “I’m not sure,” she said.

  “Two orders of manicotti,” Sal called.

  Colin rose from their table and retrieved their late dinner. When he came back Jocelyn eagerly dug in.

  “This is so good,” she said.

  “I told you,” he said.

  “I know, but I didn’t really believe you until just now,” she said.

  “That hurts,” he said.

  They ate in silence for a couple of minutes. Jocelyn could feel the warm food traveling down to her stomach. It was very much needed.

  “So once you’ve left him, you’ll go back to Florida?” Colin asked, wiping his mouth.

  “I guess so,” she said.

  Colin nodded, thinking.

  “That would be a shame,” he said.

  She smiled coyly.

  “Why is that?”

  “I’m just starting to get to know you,” he said.

  “You’ll have to get to know Sophie,” she said.

  He shook his head.

  “I said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m not interested in Sophie. I know she’s interested in me, she’s made that very obvious. But she’s just not my type. She’s too – flighty. I like more serious girls. Like you.”

  She felt her stomach drop, as though she were on a rollercoaster. She wondered if it was because of what he said or if the rum was finally catching up to her.

  “I’m not really all that serious. Just quiet,” she said. She focused on her meal, not sure where to look.

  “Well then, I like quiet girls. I like whatever you are. I like you,” he said.

  She could feel his eyes on her, waiting for her to respond. She looked up shyly. She’d liked him for so long that she should have been happy they were having this conversation, but somehow it felt wrong. Was it because of Will? Yes, she decided it was. But since she’d decided to leave him, did he matter? She remembered him last night, telling her that he wanted to stay in Boston, not just for Thanksgiving, but possibly for the rest of their lives. Resentment toward him grew.

  “I like you too,” she said.

  He smiled, looking relieved. Jocelyn realized he’d been waiting for her to respond.

  “Should we get out of here?” he asked. He put his napkin down on his now empty plate.

  “Sure,” she said.

  They stood to leave and Colin went to thank Sal. Jocelyn wondered what he meant when he said “should we get out of here.” Did he mean should they go back to his place? Or that they should call it a night? As much as she liked him, and as angry as she was at Will, she knew she should go home.

  Outside they waited for a cab.

  “Where are you headed?” he asked.

  “Home,” she said.

  He looked disappointed, but only for a split second.

  “Where is home?”

  “Marlboro Street,” she said.

  Colin put an arm out to stop a passing cab. It pulled over and Colin walked Jocelyn to the back door.

  “I had a really good time tonight,” he said. His face was illuminated under the moonlight and he looked like he might kiss her. Did she want him to?

  “So did I. Thanks for taking me for the best food I’ve had since moving here,” she said. She bent her head so she didn’t look like she was waiting for a kiss, but she realized it may have looked like she was playing coy.

  “That was my pleasure.”

  “I hope I didn’t share too much,” she said.

  “Not at all. I’ve been wondering what’s been going on in that pretty little head of yours,” he said. He reached out and stroked her hair. Jocelyn looked up at him. She hadn’t been this nervous in a long time. It had been four years since her last first kiss.

  Just as she was trying to decide whether she wanted him to, Colin leaned in and kissed her. His lips were soft but forceful as they found hers. Will crossed her mind for only a second before Jocelyn quickly pushed him away.

  When they finished she leaned back and grinned.

  “I’ll see you in the morning,” she said.

  Colin leaned in the front window of the cab.

  “She’s going to Marlboro Street,” he said. He passed a small fold of bills toward the driver.

  “Good night Jocelyn,” he said, kissing her on the cheek.

  “Good night,” she said. She got into the back of the cab and tried to tell herself that nauseas feeling was because of too much rum.

  CHAPTER 10

  Will was asleep when she got home. She tip-toed into their bedroom and saw him, face down in their bed, the sheets covering his lower half. His pale, freckled back was naked in the moonlight. The reflection reminded her that just a half hour ago that same moon had been shining on Colin’s face, right before he kissed her.

  She breathed in quickly. She had kissed another man, someone other than her husband. She’d always thought, growing up, that she would never, ever cheat on her husband. After her father had cheated on her mother, Jocelyn had sworn she’d never follow in his footsteps. And now look at her, cut from the same cloth.

  She decided to sleep on the couch again that night. After all, their bed was a place of trust, a sacred place, and she had violated that. She went quietly into the living room, where she found the couch still lined with sheets from the night before. Will hadn’t bothered to put them away, either because he’d been lazy or because he’d wanted her to sleep out here. She didn’t know, but decided that it really didn’t matter either. Tomorrow night after work she would tell him that it was over. Then she would have to find another apartment nearby, something she could afford on her own salary. She couldn’t tell her father what she had done, and he’d want to know why she was already leaving Will if he was going to give her money.

  Wait a second. Did she plan on staying here by herself? She realized that her instinct was to remain in Boston, with or without Will. She thought of Colin. They really seemed to have a connection, something she didn’t have with Will. For one thing, she could talk to him. She couldn’t remember a time, save the miscarriage conversation, that she and Will had discussed anything deeper than what color to paint their bedroom. Also, she was insanely attracted to Colin, more than she remembered being to Will, even in those hazy sorority days. Colin had a presence about him, something that made her want to be with him in every way possible. She knew she wasn’t alone in that; besides Sophie, she was sure that nearly every girl he came across felt that way.

  Still, he had chosen her, over Sophie and, for the time being, over any other girl. She felt lucky.

  She closed her eyes and remembered their kiss as she drifted off to sleep on the couch.

  Will didn’t wake Jocelyn up before he left for school, and she was late for work. She jolted awake with anxiety and regret, and spent the morning trying to talk herself down.

  At work Colin was physically distant, being in meetings and on conference calls most of the day. When he did come by he smiled; reassuring, seductive, enticing. He was all of these things and Jocelyn was surprised at how much she had missed the excitement of someone new.

  “How are you doing this morning?” he asked when he came by later that afternoon.

  “Late. Other than that, fine,” she shrugged.

  “Me too.” He leaned into her desk. “I can’t stop thinking about last night.”

  Jocelyn looked around to make sure no one was listening.

  “Neither can I,” she said.

  “Do you want to go out again soon?” he asked, his eyes
large, anticipating, waiting. She thought about Will and their fighting, and their distance.

  “Yes,” she said.

  Jocelyn was stirring a pot of spaghetti when Will came home that night.

  “Hey babe,” he said. It wasn’t his usual cheery tone. Rather, she sensed that he was also feeling the recent strain on their marriage.

  “How was class?” she asked.

  “Fine.” He put his coat over the back of one of the chairs in the kitchen and set his bag on the floor. Jocelyn eyed them. “I’ll put them away in a minute.”

  “That’s fine,” she said. She turned her attention back to their dinner.

  She’d been thinking about how to broach the topic of divorce with him all day. Should she come right out and say it? Or perhaps start a dialogue by asking if he was happy in their current situation. Although she didn’t see how he could be, she was afraid that he would state that everything was fine and she would come off even worse by telling him she wanted out. She had finally settled on easing into it, first by telling him that she wasn’t happy and hoping that he would agree. Then she could spring the d-word on him.

  Will pulled a beer out of the fridge and sat at the table, resting his head in his hands.

  “Are you all right?” Jocelyn asked.

  “Joc, what’s going on between us?” he asked. He looked up at her, his eyes full of exhaustion and concern.

  She set the spoon down. It was now or never.

  “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that,” she said. She lowered the heat on the stove and pulled out the other chair at the table to sit down. “I feel like we haven’t been the same lately.”

  Will nodded in agreement.

  “Our life has been so – chaotic – since this summer, and I’m not sure that we did the right thing by jumping into marriage.”

  Will nodded again, but Jocelyn wasn’t certain that this was a nod of agreement.

  “I think maybe we should-” She wanted to finish by saying ‘take a break,’ but she was interrupted by the house phone ringing.

  She sighed.

  “I’ll get it,” she said.

  She stood and took the receiver off the wall.

  “Hello?”

  “Jocelyn, this is Mrs. Adams. I need to speak with my son immediately.” Will’s mother’s voice was choked with tears, so Jocelyn decided not to point out that she was also Mrs. Adams.