Don't Come Looking For Love

by Natavia

  “I will work something out and take care of her. I always wanted a daughter,” Dr. Smith said to me, looking through the window.

  “She reminds me of my son when he was a baby. He all grown up now,” she said.

  “Can y’all give me a few minutes? I just want to say goodbye,” I told them.

  I went into her small room and had a seat next to her incubator. I reached through the hole touching her tiny hands and I cried. I prayed to God that he found the perfect home for my baby.

  “We are going our separate ways. I know you don’t understand, but I do love you. I always will love you! You deserve a better life than what I can give you. I know it wasn’t your fault. It’s all mine. I should’ve thought about it before I decided to be grown. I hope when you grow up you can forgive me!” I broke down.

  After my final goodbye I walked out crying into my mother’s chest.

  “She will be okay, I promise!” Dr. Smith said rubbing my back.

  “Please, whatever you do, please don’t change her name. That’s the only thing I could afford to give her that would stick with her forever,” I told her.

  “I won’t, but will the boy or his parent’s be looking for her? I have to know,” she said.

  “No, he doesn’t know and his father is a monster! I don’t want her around him!” I said.

  “Take care, Britain, you did the right thing. So many young girls have babies they don’t want and just dispose of them like they are nothing,” she said to me.

  She looked at my mom, “You sure I don’t know you? I saw you somewhere before,” Dr. Smith asked my mother for the third time.

  “You don’t know me! Your kind doesn’t associate with my kind! Thank you and have a good day!” my mother said. I glanced back at Shia then walked out with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

  “It’s okay, Brownie, in due time you will realize you did the right thing,” she said.

  “It doesn’t matter, mama! I can never forget her,” I said. I would always have a scar from them cutting me open for her, a constant reminder that I had a child somewhere out in this world who I would never see again.

  We got into our cab and headed home. After fifteen minutes of driving, we pulled up to our house. I never realized how pitiful it looked until now. Maybe because I was happy at one point in time and didn’t have time to realize it. Now, I saw it how everyone else saw it and it was a ghetto mess. Maybe because I hated this place I call home now.

  I got out of the car and my grandma Brenda pulled up. Could today get any worse? She didn’t know I was pregnant and I would like to keep it that way. This was a secret that stayed between me and my mother. I didn’t even tell Janae, but lately, we haven’t been talking to each other like that. She hung with some girl named Carla now…at least that’s what she said. I had never met Carla.

  “What’s this shit I hear about you fighting some girls with Britain? I been coming over here for a damn week and can’t get in touch with no damn body! I’m sick of this shit! Look at this dump! You can barely take care of her and look at you, Geraldine! Your damn hair is a mess! You need a damn perm! You are a breath away from dropping dead! Your face has sunken all in! I can’t believe this shit!” my nana slammed her car door.

  She was fifty years old and looked like she could be in her mid-thirties. My mama looked older than my dad’s mother. Those two couldn’t stand each other. As soon as I got home from the hospital, I had to come back home to this shit.

  “Brenda, please don’t start no shit with me today!” my mother said.

  “What you going to do if I do? Not a motherfucking thing! You look like one of those ‘Feed the Children’ kids that be coming on those commercials! Your damn titties touching your fucking back! I can’t take this shit! Britain is coming to live with me! I let your ass pass because your mama was helping you out with her. But she has been gone for two damn years now and you not doing shit! So, how about you just give up your rights!” my nana argued.

  “Fine, Brenda, you want her take her! But I tell you one damn thing, if you have my daughter over there playing caregiver to your half-retarded ass son, I’m kicking your ass!” my mama told her.

  “Britain, go in there and get your things. Make it quick, suga, before one of your mama’s friends steal the tires off my car,” she said. I could tell my mama was sad about the Shia situation also because if it were her good day, she would be running off with her mouth, too.

  “Nana, I got to bring Tookie with me,” I told her.

  “Oh hell naw’ Suga! I don’t like that damn devil!” she said.

  “Let her take the damn bird, Brenda! Don’t you think it’s hard enough on her that you are taking her away? Let her keep her fucking bird!” my mother said to her.

  “I got to bring Tookie with me, nana,” I said.

  “Just make it quick! You know this neighborhood scares me!” she said looking around. I walked into the house and mama followed me in, “I’ll help you pack, I don’t want you to bust your incision. Don’t be over there babysitting your father, neither! If she takes advantage of you, call Harry job and tell him and he will tell me,” she said with tears in her eyes.

  “I don’t understand all of this, mama. Why does everything seem so unfair?” I asked.

  “It’s life, baby, you growing up and you are starting to understand life, womanhood, and love. It’s never unfair and they will beat you up if you let it! Look at me, Brownie. Don’t you become like me! I took the easy way and turned to drugs because of the pain. You are stronger than I am. I knew since you were born I couldn’t properly take care of you,” she cried.

  “I was selfish! What you did for Shia speaks a lot about yourself. That took a lot of courage, Brownie. I’m so proud of you and I might not speak of him much, but God works in mysterious ways. When he feels like you are ready, he will lead Shia back to you!” she said.

  I hugged her and her smaller body trembled against mine.

  “Mama going to try and kick this monkey off her back. It’s a terrible addiction! I’m going to get myself together! This is a wake-up call for me. If I wasn’t so busy getting high, you wouldn’t had gone through all of this. It’s my fault you seen things you weren’t supposed to see at this age. I just wish I had more money than that little bit of insurance money I have left. That wouldn’t have lasted us more than two months taking care of her,” she said.

  “Your stitches will dissolve but if it smells funny and starts bleeding really bad, call 9-1-1. Don’t tell your grandma nothing about Shia! She will make shit worst on your life. If Yager finds out that baby is still living, he will do anything to hurt her! He is very sick in the head! Trust me, I know! For all he knows, she is dead! It’s safer for her that way!” she said.

  She kissed my cheek then put my clothes in two big, black trash bags. I put Tookie in her cage and mama picked it up for me. She took Tookie down the steps and put her in the backseat of my grandma’s car. My grandma put my two bags of clothes inside her trunk. My mother went back in to get my bag of shoes.

  “You all loaded up. I’ll see you, baby! Just remember to call Harry’s shop if you need me. I will have a phone soon, I promise,” she said.

  I blew her a kiss through the window and my grandma pulled off. Yager was posted up on the corner with a few of his hustlers. He grilled me and I gave him the finger. One day he was going to get his and I couldn’t wait! I wasn’t moving that far away. It was only an hour away but I knew once I got there, my grandma would not let me come back. She hated this place but I was coming back for my mother as soon as I turned eighteen and I didn’t give a damn what she had to say!

  O'Shea

  Eight years later…

  “Can you sign right here?” one of the groupies asked me backstage after my concert. I signed her breast that she had sitting out with no shame. About a dozen of them threw panties at me like I was impressed. I wasn’t worried about them hoes, though. They were only good for sucking and fucking!

  I got int
o my dressing room and a couple of bitches was walking around ass-naked. I smacked one on her ass and she just giggled.

  “Come on, nigga! Roll that shit up!” I told Kenjay.

  “Nigga, you stay high, don’t you?” Kenjay asked. He was still my nigga and, every show or whatever event I had, he was there with me.

  Eight years ago, after I whipped Rattle’s ass over Britain, I ended up going back a few weeks later to apologize. I took a chance when I wasn’t supposed to but I had to apologize to Britain. Kenjay told me that she moved away after some girls jumped her. I didn’t even see Geraldine anywhere. The house was abandoned over the years and eventually got knocked down. My pops knew all about Britain moving and that’s the only reason why he let up and covered for me when I wanted to go over there.

  Kenjay was the biggest hustler in the city now. He knocked my pops right off. I didn’t care, though, because something told me he had something to do with Britain getting jumped. She didn’t bother anyone and I knew how my pops was.

  My pops still couldn’t stand Kenjay, but he didn’t do shit because Kenjay had a lot of niggas riding for him. As for me, I was the hottest rapper out. I got signed four years ago and, let’s just say, I blew the charts up.

  “So, you coming to the after party?” I asked him as I blew out smoke.

  “You damn right, nigga! Those bitches be doing all kinds of shit in there. Yo, but the last one I went to, I had to end up smacking the fuck out of one of those hoes,” he said making me laugh.

  “Why, nigga?” I asked.

  “So, I’m getting this bitch to suck me off, right? I bust, skeeting my grits all on her face, right? This bitch tries kissing me afterwards! I slapped her fucking dentures out her mouth! Had that bitch looking like she went from twenty-one to sixty!” he said.

  “Dentures though, my nigga?” I asked.

  “I asked her ass what she needed them for, and she told me she got in a real bad car accident. I kind of felt sorry for her after she told me how she lost her teeth. So, anyways, I’m about to beat the pussy up. I’m gone off that lean and had the percs in my system, so a nigga was ready for some pussy, ya feel me? Yo, this bitch takes her shirt off and she had a fake arm. I mean, those metal-looking ones. Killed my whole buzz!” he said.

  “What happened next?” I asked.

  “I told Robo-Cop she better take her ass home somewhere. I’m not fucking half a bitch! Nigga you crazy! How the fuck she get in anyway? I mean, this bitch was bad but behind closed doors, this bitch fell apart like a crash test dummy, my nigga!” he said. I had tears in my eyes because that nigga always had a story.

  “Her pussy could’ve been grade–A, though!” I told him.

  “Would you had fucked her?” he asked.

  “Hell yeah, I would’ve fucked her! I would’ve turned the lights off and gave that bitch some dick. But she wouldn’t have got all the inches, though. I would’ve stuck half in her since she was a half a bitch!” I told him cracking up.

  “But guess what?” he asked.

  “What?”

  “I ran into Britain a few days ago at the club. I’m talking to her and she told me she just moved back a year ago. Yo, when I say Britain done grew up, I mean that shit!” he said.

  “Man, I’m not trying to talk about her. Who she was with, though? Was she with a nigga?” I asked.

  “Nigga, you crazy! She was with this chick she work with that I’m trying to bust wide- open! But hold up, nigga, fuck you mad at her for? That shit with Rattle was your father fault, I told you! This shit was years ago and your ass still tripping!” he said.

  “She just up and left! That was my lil’ shorty back then, too! Had a nigga fighting his pops and all that! I’m not mad at her, though. Just the memory of all that shit that went down,” I said.

  “Yo, you really need some type of closure!” he said laughing.

  “Man, whatever! Bring your ass on, the car about to pull up!” I told him. We walked out into the crowd with bodyguards moving them out of the way. This was the life for me, partying, making money, and fucking any bitch I wanted to. Who needed love when you had it all?

  Janae

  “It’s soooo good seeing you!” Britain hugged me.

  “Yes, I missed you girl!” I said hugging her back.

  “Look at you! You got a little thick on me!” Britain said, squeezing my thigh.

  “Well, what can I say,” I laughed. I was no longer scrawny. I was still slim just thicker in the right places. But that was from ass shots and breast implants my man paid for. I ended up falling in love with the man who took my virginity years ago. I was scared of him at first, but now he grew on me. He bought me anything I wanted and he even left his son’s mother for me.

  Britain ran into my piece of shit mom and she gave Britain my number. She contacted me and now we were having lunch at Applebee’s.

  “So, what you been up to, Britain?” I asked.

  “Well, I just got my degree in fashion as a stylist and now I’m working at the local stylist agency. You know, getting girls ready for proms, and doing small things like that. It’s the only thing I can find right now. Hopefully, I can move up into the big leagues one day, you know,” she said sipping her long island iced-tea.

  “That’s great!” I told her.

  “How about your mama? How is Geraldine doing?” I asked.

  “She is fine. She is the assistant manager at the Wal-Mart in Baltimore. She has been clean for almost eight years now! She still got that mouth, though, and that will never change!” she said.

  “This feels so weird how everyone is all older now! How about your boo, O’Shea? He a big-time rapper now! That nigga stay on TMZ and stay with a new Hollywood hoe on his arm,” I shook my head.

  “Well, that’s what rappers do!” she said with a little sarcasm in her voice.

  “What happened with you two back then? All I heard was that two girls came to your house and jumped you then after that, you just left,” I said.

  “Well, Janae it’s really an emotional conversation for me. Summer of ’06 changed my life and I just don’t like talking about it. So, is there a sexy looking nigga in your life? I remember how you used to be in love with some Kenjay,” she said.

  “Girl, I’m not messing with anyone,” I lied.

  “But Kenjay’s name floats everywhere. That nigga is off the hook! I mean, popping niggas off and everything! He is the new Yager of this city,” I told her.

  “I ran into him at the club and girl Kenjay done got FIONE! He stills calls me Zero, though, with his smart ass! I miss the neighborhood, though,” she said.

  “Well, it’s nothing like it used to be, that’s for sure! Kenjay changed a lot of shit since his mama refuses to move. All that hustling on the corner and all of that is dead now!” I said.

  Me and Britain talked and played catch-up for a few hours then she promised to call me later. I gave her a hug then we went our separate ways.

  I got into my car, “That bitch didn’t even speak to me! You see why I can’t stand her! She never acknowledges me!” Carla fussed.

  “Well, that’s just Britain! She doesn’t talk to people she doesn’t know!” I told her.

  “Yeah, whatever! With her stuck-up ass! Did you see her ass? It’s huge! She still a fat bitch, though. She just mad because O’Shea is a celebrity messing with these model bitches and her ass working a pathetic job. A stylist? Yeah right!” Carla fussed.

  “Shut the hell up! You don’t know her!” I screamed at her and she laughed. I didn’t understand why Carla was so damn evil.

  “Poor little, Janae! When will you ever get a backbone? You are so damn weak! Who falls in love with a man that takes advantage of them? That’s some scared bitch-shit if you ask me! Remember how people used to always pick on you? And what do you do? Come crying to me!” she fussed.

  “I’m your only friend! I keep telling you that! Stop being so far up her ass! She doesn’t give a damn about you!” she said.

  I turned my radio
up to block her annoying ass out. One day soon, I had to get rid of this bitch because she never let me be.

  Britain

  So much had changed since I came back to Annapolis. Everyone had grown up and apart. Janae seemed a little different than what I remembered. She looked good, though, even with the fake implants and fake ass. She was too slim to be having all of that.

  I flicked through the channels in my small studio apartment that I was renting in Bowie, Maryland, twenty minutes away from Annapolis. I put it on BET and, of course, there was O’Shea’s face plastered across the screen, rapping while some skanks twerked in the background. He was always sexy to me but now he was past that. He had changed physically. His body was a little buffer and covered with tattoos. His diamond platinum- grills and his smooth chocolate skin was what put the icing on the cake. He looked just like Harold “House” Moore, the guy that played on “Single Ladies.”