Kieron Smith, Boy

by James Kelman

  But it was not there. The wee lasses were away. I walked along the street.

  But if the one that stole it did not live in our scheme. Maybe he did not. If he was a stranger. He might have been. Maybe from the new houses away over. So I went away down the field and over the burn, away way over the other side and round by the new scheme where the Squatters used to be. I passed all new houses and some people were there.

  Oh but if I saw the one that done it. Well if I did I did. I would just shout at him. So if he had a blade, he could not get me. I would tell people and see if there was a cop or where if he stayed in a house, if he did, I would see the number and just tell the cops.

  I was hunting roundabout. Then it was dark, or just nearly getting dark. I asked a woman and it was past eight o'clock. Eight o'clock! Oh and I never knew. My tea! My maw would kill me.

  But I did not want to go home. I did not, I just did not I did not I did not want to go home.

  I could not go to my grannie's. It was too late and I did not have money.

  I could not run away. I could not. I had no money. I did not want to run away. Not if I had no money. You could not run away if ye had no money. It was dark too and it was raining. Ye just could not.

  Oh but I wanted to, I needed to. What could I do? I did not know. Oh but if Mitch was there. Mitch wanted to run away, he always was wanting to. So if I could go with him. But Mitch was no there, he was no there he was just away, he was staying at his auntie's.

  He could have smuggled me into his house. I done it for him. Pals smuggled ye into their house. Ye done it if yer maw and da did not like the boy. If it was Podgie in my house and my maw was there, she did not like him. For my da it was Mitch, he did not like Mitch. How come? Oh he is just a dunderheid, that is what he said, my da. Oh my da, my da was going to kill me, he was, he just was going to. But what else? Nothing. I had to go home. I just had to. Oh but my stomach was sore. How come he was there and no just away? If he was back in the Navy, I wished he was back in the Navy. It was just so much the worse when he was here. How come he came home? And if he did not like the factory and was always moaning if it was dry land, well he could just go away again to wet land if it was the sea. How come he did not? It was just so much the better when he was away.

  I crossed back over the burn and up the field, up to the scheme. Boys were inside a close. They were Papes. I knew them and they shouted on me. Hoh Kieron, your da is out looking for ye.

  Out looking for me. He would just be someplace, wherever he was and just angry.

  It was the worst ever. The very very worst. Since I was a wee boy nothing ever was worse. I could not remember nothing worse. There was not anything worse.

  And Matt too. Oh Matt, I was not thinking about him but it was his bike and he would blame me because it was just me, he would say that. Touching his stuff. Why did I not get my own stuff to touch? Matt would say that. It was his bike. Uncle Billy gived it to him. Not to me. He did not give it to me. So how come I took it out? It was not mine to take out. How come I did?

  So if he hit me, he could hit me. I did not care. If he did not want me as a brother. Maybe he did not. I did not want him either.

  But it was just a man done it. A man done it and was a complete thief. I would never do nothing ever ever again, just never ever, never never ever. If something ever happened to me and was ever ever good. Nothing ever could be ever again. If God would save me. It was not my fault. I would make a promise.

  I was at my door and had to chap it, usually I flapped the letterbox. Now I just chapped it. I done it quiet. But the door opened and it was my maw Oh Kieron Kieron, where have you been? What happened what happened?

  I started greeting. Oh mum a man stole Matt's bike and I was looking for it.

  Oh Kieron. My maw came and cuddled me. We were just so worried, your father is out looking for you. He thought you were run over by a bus.

  I was away looking for the bike.

  Oh you should have come home and told us.

  I did not know.

  Oh Kieron. My maw stopped cuddling me. You are just so silly You are. Your teacher says so too. You are just so silly.

  But mum it is not my fault.

  Oh no it never is.

  But mum.

  I put your tea out a while ago and now it is ice-cold.

  I do not want my tea I want to go to bed.

  Kieron.

  Oh but mum I need to. I am just tired and I am just.

  Look at you! You are filfy. What have you been up to? Away and get washed and I will heat up your tea.

  But mum I just.

  Your father will be up the stair soon.

  Oh he will batter me.

  He will not batter you. Do not be so silly, he will just be glad you are safe and sound.

  I want to go to bed.

  Well you cannot, not just now.

  She went to the kitchenette and sent me into the bathroom to get washed. But if I wanted to go to bed? How come I could not? If I wanted to go I could go. How come I could not? How come?

  If I could just go to sleep. I just needed to. Oh if I could get into my room and just oh if there had been a snib on the door so I could snib it but there was none.

  But I could just get under the blankets and snuggle under and I would go to sleep. And just pull the blankets over my head. I liked them over my head. And if Matt was reading and the light was on, that was the best, and just going to sleep. I did not want anybody and not him either, if he was not like a brother, if he did not want me for one, well I did not want him, just to go to bed and under the blankets, and pull them over and I would be underneath.

  ***

  Down near the burn there was a high tree with thick thick branches. I saw it when we first flitted to the new scheme and I went with Matt and his pal. But I forgot about it. But now I remembered again and I wanted to see it and just about climbing or what. I just called it that, the high tree. Its branches went down over the burn and if ye got a rope, ye could make a great swing. I would climb the tree and tie the rope. We could knock the rope off the workies.

  Me and the boys went. Peter Wylie and Billy MacGregor came with us. Gary McNab went home first from school but was coming to meet us. Before he did we saw a rabbit and chased it. They had wee holes roundabout and they stayed down there. If ye catched one ye could eat it. Mitch had a knife to do it. He got it someplace. Ye made a fire and flung the rabbit on. There was a story and it said how pirates were fighting natives and getting chased on a desert island. If they got captured they got flung in a pot. They were long pigs. That was what the natives called them. Oh we will kill the long pigs.

  Some pirates got caught. And if they got ett, maybe they did. Other ones escaped and were hiding down at the beach feared if the natives catched them. Oh but they were starving and dared to try it and out they went, just creeping. They went hunting for their supper and got a rabbit, they bashed its head in. They flung it in the fire then skinned it and ett it. Ye saw the pictures. The grease ran down their chins and whiskers and in their fingers and they were licking it.

  The rabbit we saw got away, maybe into its hole. If we had a dog we could have set it on it. Ye got the rabbit in a corner and bashed its head in. Mitch had a knife and could stab it. Maybe if it was in a bush we would fling boulders at it and knock it out. We were looking but could not find it.

  Then Gary was whistling on us, running down the hill.

  It was a good dry day and we did some jumps across the burn. We sat down on the bank for a smoke, but then it was a w**k. That was Mitch. Oh I am f*****g going for a wank. Who is coming?

  We just laughed at him but sometimes we did. Ye went to yer own bit and shut yer eyes and done it. Ye did not want people looking, so if ye were shivering or yer face went red. So if Podgie was there. He did not do it much and just looked at ye and said stuff. Mitch shivered all the time. Oh see Mitch shivering he is f*****g shivering.

  Then if it was me and my face. Oh f**k see Smiddy, look at his face,
a big riddy! Hoh Smiddy see your f*****g face!

  Him and Gary were laughing at ye. He did not say nothing about Gary But Peter and Billy were there now and they were looking at us when Mitch said it but then they came. We all went behind the bushes. But just when we started Gary saw Peter's c**k and said it, Oh it is a f*****g Gerry's Helmet look! You have got a Gerry's Helmet. Hoh. It is a f*****g Gerry's Helmet! Gary shouted, Peter is a Jewboy.

  Peter got a red face. Mitch says to him, Are you a f*****g Jewboy?

  No.

  Aye ye are, said Gary, yer t****r is cut off at the top.

  Cut off at the top?

  Aye Smiddy, that is Jewboys. The Gerries f***-**g done it to them, so that is how, it is a Gerry's Helmet.

  Show us, said Mitch.

  No, said Peter.

  Because ye are f****g scared, said Podgie.

  No I am no.

  Gary laughed.

  Come on we will get him, said Podgie. He saw Billy looking but did not bother with him, only laughed to Gary and Mitch and me. He wanted to take down Peter's trousers to see. Would we come in if he started? He did not care about Billy.

  Except Billy was Peter's best pal so what would he do? Would he come in with Peter? Because if he got a kicking because with us there, we were with Podgie. He would think we were, so we would get him too.

  Mitch said it to Peter, Are ye a f*****g Jew?

  No.

  Well if yer t****r is cut off at the top, said Gary, that is what they do to Jews.

  F*****g show us, said Podgie.

  No.

  Just f*****g do it you c**t! Podgie could go angry and if he did be careful but just now he was not angry and just nearly laughing. Oh we will f*****g strip ye and throw away yer trousers. We will f*****g dump them in the burn.

  Gary laughed. We will dump them in the f*****g burn and ye can just go in and get them.

  Podgie was pointing to Peter's trousers. Take them down.

  No.

  F*****g do it.

  He does not want to, said Billy.

  Oh are you backing him up?

  Are ye? said Gary.

  Billy had a big red face and was feared. Ye could see it. Peter was too. He looked at Gary, Oh I can fight my own battles.

  Gary just was looking, but I said, Oh it is no a battle to fight, it is just to show us, we just want to see.

  It is only just to see, said Podgie. He was not laughing now, just watching Peter. Ye saw that with Podgie, how his eyes just could watch ye. But he thought too about Peter, if he was a good fighter, maybe he was. So if he was a best fighter, I did not think so, but he could give ye a good go. So could Billy. We all knew it from football. So if it was the two of them the gether. They were good fighters.

  Is your da a real Jew? said Mitch.

  Is he f**k.

  He f*****g must be, said Gary.

  He f*****g is not, said Peter.

  What about yer maw?

  No.

  Oh but maybe ye are adopted, I said, if ye are an adopted child. If it is not yer real da and ye are adopted because then what happens.

  They all were looking at me.

  Well if he is an adopted child, wee weans get adopted, if ye are a orphan, maybe if yer real maw and da got killed, if it was the war, ye just get adopted.

  That is right, said Podgie.

  Are you a orphan? said Mitch.

  No.

  He is no a orphan, said Billy, that is stupid.

  Aye but Billy it is no stupid, people do not know if they are orphans. Nobody tells them, I said, ye just find out later.

  I am no a f*****g orphan, said Peter.

  Aye but if ye are a real one. So yer real da, maybe if he was a Jew.

  Or else yer maw, said Gary.

  That happens to people. Their real maws and das get killed. The wee babies are left and people adopt them.

  They all were listening to me and I said it to them. It is true. Nobody tells ye, ye just find out later. It would be the same if ye were something else. There was a boy that was a Pape and brought up a Proddy. I read it in a story, him and his sister were rightful true Heirs. So they had to journey to faraway lands. Then that was them, they met their real maw. Their da was dead. So then the boy was the King. He had to do it, even if he did not want to. He ruled over all the land.

  What age was he? said Mitch.

  Thirteen.

  F**k sake.

  He was a Pape and brought up as a Proddy.

  Podgie said, Oh Mitch, get the fags out.

  Mitch got them. After he lit one he gived it to Podgie for the first limit. Three draws was a limit. If ye got a limit ye got yer three draws. Podgie always got a limit off people but other ones, if it was you, usually ye just got one draw.

  But how come Podgie got it first before Mitch, if it was Mitch's fag? He got more out it than Mitch. Mitch just lit it and got one draw then passed it to him. Then Podgie passed it to Gary. Gary put his hand out and Podgie just gived him it. That was what they done. Podgie and Gary and Gary and Podgie. But they were not bothering about Peter.

  I was glad nothing happened to him and Billy. I liked them coming with us. Peter was a good climber. He used the ronepipe. But his house was just one storey up. He knew mine was the top flat. If he wanted to climb it I would let him, he could do it after school, it was just me in the house.

  We were going along by the burn and I said about the high tree. I still wanted to climb it and make a swing. It would be a great swing and go right over the burn. We just needed a rope. We could knock one off the workies. Oh aye, said Mitch.

  No the now, said Podgie.

  Oh come on.

  No.

  We will go another time, said Gary.

  How no just now? I said.

  Oh f**k Smiddy, we will go another time.

  Oh but we can still go and just see it.

  No, said Podgie, I am no f*****g going.

  Me neither, said Gary. I cannot f*****g be bothered.

  Aye but I can just show yez it. Oh come on. Peter and Billy have not seen it.

  Neither have I, said Mitch.

  He is the only c**t that has seen it, said Podgie.

  We could kick a ball about instead, said Billy.

  Aye, said Podgie, six of us, that is three a-side, three a-side is good.

  F**k football, said Gary, I do not feel like it.

  Neither do I, said Peter, I would f*****g like to see the high tree as well. Oh Smiddy whereabouts is it?

  It is just along the burn.

  How far have we to f*****g walk? said Gary.

  Oh it is no too far.

  F*****g better no be, you are a b*****d Smiddy, ye always have to get everything.

  I do not.

  Ye f*****g do, said Gary.

  Him and Podgie were moaners about climbing because they did not do it much. But if they did they would like it. Mitch had started doing it and he liked it. He said about climbing mountains, it would be good to do that. Gary just thought it was daft. If ye said about climbing to him. Oh do not be so f*****g stupid, I am no climbing that. But he was skinny and could have climbed good.

  Podgie was just a moaner. Mitch said it too, Oh Podgie is a moaning-faced b*****d. That was him when we were walking. Moan moan moan. It is a f*****g swamp. Oh the grass is f*****g wringing. Oh my maw will kick up f**k when she sees my shoes.

  We went along the side of the burn. There was all good trees here with big branches. But the high tree was just the best. But then we got to it and there was no low-down branches and no wee bits sticking out. They all were sawed off too. Somebody had done it like it was just stripped.

  If it was men done it maybe for firewood. But usually it was just a tree that was dead, else it was sap and did not burn right. Ye flung branches on the fire and if there was sap it just bubbled out and smoked. Big boys used to set complete fields on fire just burning all the grass and ye thought it was going to come up the hill and burn down yer house. I loved the smell. Me and Mitch made
fires and that was what happened, if ye saw the dry grass, ye just lighted the match.

  Maybe the men just done it to the tree to stop people climbing. I was seeing how to do it but ye could not see everything the farther up it went. If something was up there, maybe there was. Maybe a tree-hut. Ye got tree-huts. People made them. It was safe. Ye could sit there and ones would be walking down on the ground. They would not know ye were there. Imagine walking down a path in the woods and voices talking up a tree. Ye would be feared. Ye would think it was goblins or evil sorcerers going to get ye. If ye were up the tree and making scary noises, if lasses were walking under and ye were kidding on ye were an owl hooting, the lasses would be screaming and bawling.

  But ye had to talk quiet too if gangs came and they heard ye, they would have stanes to fire at ye.

  Trees had to be the right kind to build a hut. It was how the branches fitted. Then if ye built one ye had to watch out for people. Gangs came along and smashed it. The Squatters were away now but other ones went about and ye had to watch it. They went looking for stuff. If ye had a rope swing they used it till it fell down. If it was a tree-hut they would just smash it up. So if there was one up the high tree and people were trying to hide it. Maybe there was. The branches went dead thick going up the top and ye could not see past them. Imagine there was one. We could all just go up. I could climb the tree and see.

  Oh but if there is no f*****g branches?

  Oh but look, ye can get yer foot on the edges! Look!

  Ye could. If ye went up a wee bit you would be okay. It was the way the branches got sawed. There was wee toty bits left. Ye could get yer feet on. If ye could climb the first bit, that was all.

  I showed them but Podgie was moan moan moan. That was all he done, a true moaner. He would never climb the high tree anyway so how come he was saying it? Podgie always said if ye could not do it. Oh ye cannot do that. That was Podgie. If you said something, he said something else. He kept doing it till ye stopped, so then he done his wee smile. But this time it did not matter because it was no just Mitch, Peter Wylie backed me up and so did Billy. Gary backed up Podgie. I am no going up, he said.

  Oh but ye do not have to, I said, I can just go up and see.

  Me too, said Peter.