Free from Guilt

by Pat Simmons

  Cameron noted his cousin’s defiant attitude had returned, but he ignored him.

  “Do you know if anyone tried to contact them?”

  “No. One of Denise’s twin brothers said he didn’t want to interfere with their lifestyle.”

  Lifting his bottled water in a salute, Kidd nodded. “Smart man.”

  Cameron smirked. “It appears they’ve become very affluent. Lily white, if you will, and very secretive.”

  “Really?” Kidd sat straighter. Then, right before Cameron and the others’ eyes, Kidd did a transformation. “Well, I guess it’s time to shake some things up. I never did like snobs.”

  The roar of claps mingled with those from the TV set. The Red Sox won and so did another generation of Jamiesons. The family reunion was officially under way.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Staring into Cameron’s seductive eyes, Gabrielle never thought it would be like this. It was their first official St. Louis date, taking in the sights of the city. They had just left the art museum in Forest Park. Throughout the afternoon, she had enjoyed Cameron’s whispers tickling her ear. When he held her hand, she had a feeling of blissful contentment. Is this what falling in love is like? she wondered.

  Gabrielle could no longer deny its existence; their sensual tension could light a match. God, I did not sign up for this type of temptation, she silently prayed.

  Now they were enjoying the Brio’s outdoor café at Plaza Frontenac. Anticipating another intimate moment, it was time for her to set boundaries.

  “Cameron, I can’t kiss you anymore.” Instinctively, she braced herself for his rebellion.

  His expression never changed, as he reached across the table for her fingers. “That’s an extreme rule. I have no complaints about our first kiss—none. As a matter of fact, my heart has been set on getting one all day. It couldn’t be bad breath because I don’t miss a dental appointment.”

  That last remark made her giggle before she blushed. “You know that’s not it.”

  “Okay, beautiful. Tell me what it is.”

  “I lost myself in that kiss. I can’t handle the passion.”

  He nodded.

  “I’m not sleeping with you either.”

  He bobbed his head and took a deep breath. “Anything else?”

  “If you still want to go out with me, I’m sure more will be forthcoming.” She withdrew her hands and folded them, waiting for him to say goodbye. Surely, there were women who would probably kiss him without asking. Gabrielle wanted so much for him to fight the devil to keep her.

  “Let me tell you why I want you. Your beauty arrested me the moment I saw you. Your intellect mesmerized me, but your humbleness has shamed me. Since I’ve never met the other Duprees, and I’m assuming Judge Drexel represents them all, his protectiveness is what I would expect from someone with strong family ties.”

  Gabrielle teared. She was about to cry over his heartfelt words. It was the right answer.

  “If you want to torture me, then I won’t touch you.”

  “Now, you’ve gone too far.” Gabrielle pouted. “I like your touches. Even a newborn thrives when she’s cuddled and touched.”

  Cameron took a deep breath. “Well, Miss Dupree, you want your cake and eat it too.”

  “I know.” Gabrielle bowed her head. No doubt, she was sending mixed signals.

  “I will give you whatever flavor cake you want. If holding hands,” he paused and laid his hands on the table with his palms up, “and hugging is permitted, then I will refrain from everything else to be with you. You’re making it hard on a man, but you’re my soul mate and I know it.”

  Sniffing, Gabrielle looked away. No romance book had come close to what he just said. “If you truly believe I am your soul mate, then guard my soul, Cameron.” She rested her hands in his.

  After a squeeze, he lifted his right hand and saluted her. “Reporting for duty, ma’am.”

  Gabrielle laughed at his antics, but Cameron didn’t crack at smile.

  “You’ll soon see I’m serious.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered with a shiver. God, this feels right. Please, let it be right. I will proceed below the speed limit with caution.

  Winking, Cameron opened the menu. “Okay, let’s eat. You’re zapping all my strength to walk this fine line.”

  Although he never crossed the line, Cameron found other ways to express his magnetism. He treated her like a lady, he smothered her with attention, and he flirted shamelessly when they went out.

  So, what could be her complaint? He never budged when it came to fully embracing God—and that was her constant source of frustration.

  Cameron avoided any mention of Jesus beyond a few sentences. Clearly, he didn’t want to engage in any church dialogue. That was a bummer.

  To Gabrielle’s disappointment and her brother’s expectation, the object of her affection had yet to make an appearance at the church services she attended with Talise and her family. Instead, he always had a noteworthy reason.

  “Let’s get together later, babe. My frat brothers and I are taking a group of boys to see a Cardinals’ game,” he had offered for the first absence.

  Every Sunday after that, he blamed a conflict in schedules—from golfing with colleagues, to tutoring those who were underachievers in school, and on and on. That was all good, but what did Scripture say? Only what you do for Christ will last. Where was Jesus on his schedule? What sacrifice did Cameron make on behalf of Jesus?

  The more her feelings deepened for him, the more she felt like a failure as a disciple for Christ. Clearly, Cameron seemed comfortable with his level of salvation and not interested in growing spiritually.

  Yes, he could prove he had read the Bible from cover to cover. With a keenly sharp mind for memorization, he could quote Scriptures almost as well as Elder Johnny James, a renowned evangelist who didn’t need a Bible when he preached. (Without a doubt, God had tremendously blessed that minister’s mind.)

  She also recognized that it was the Lord who gifted Cameron with knowledge and possessions. Yet Gabrielle wanted to hear about the faith he professed in God. He never acknowledged that it was God who blessed his life extraordinarily. There was no way Gabrielle could discount that omission. God had to be a priority in her mate’s life.

  One morning before work, Gabrielle lingered in prayer a little longer than usual. With many questions on her heart, she remained on her knees talking to God. “If he is gradually surrendering to You, Jesus, why isn’t my spirit bearing witness? God, I’ve waited so long for a mate. I’ve turned men away because I couldn’t see Your presence in their lives but foolishness lurking in their spirits. That was easy to do. In Cameron Jamieson, I see goodness, but I see pride too. And pride separates him from You.”

  When she ran out of steam, Gabrielle said Amen and then opened her Bible. Her heart was troubled. She felt like God was taking a backseat while her feelings for Cameron were accelerating.

  Unable to focus on the words on the page, she sighed. With her concentration distracted, Gabrielle closed her Bible. It was time to get dressed for work. Standing, she glimpsed the worn journal she called a “handbook of romance” for so many years. She had pulled it from a packed box the day she found a rose under her windshield wiper.

  The roses started to appear the day after their first official St. Louis date. For weeks, Cameron had driven to her apartment complex three times a week. There was never a message on the card, only his signature. No man had ever gone out of his way for her like that before. In comparison, her previous suitors’ gestures seemed to be at their convenience.

  On those days, Cameron’s thoughtful touch always caused her to arrive at her office with a smile. Gabrielle would text him: thank you, setting up their day of text exchanges. Cameron always sent the sweetest thoughts: Give me your heart, you already have mine or I can’t stop thinking about you or Your smile is ingrained into my mind.

  Giving him enough of her thoughts for the moment, Gabrielle headed to t
he bathroom for a shower. Hours later at work, she stared out of her spacious office window. What was wrong with her? She was a woman highly favored of God. Yet her mind was completely distracted as she restlessly awaited the weekend. It was a day away and Cameron had already confirmed they would attend a concert Saturday night.

  What Gabrielle really wanted was to take a weekend getaway alone. Although leaving the airlines was a smart move, she missed the perks of jumping on a plane to visit her parents in Chicago, or friends in Washington, DC, or Denise, or wherever her brother was evangelizing in the states.

  “Help me to focus, Jesus, so I don’t make You ashamed on my job by not giving my best,” she mumbled, recalling Colossians 3:23: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.”

  As CEO of international sales with offices in six countries, the majority of Gabrielle’s staff was overseas. However, the personnel she oversaw in St. Louis were essential to the company’s growth.

  Gabrielle couldn’t wait to take to the skies again. She looked forward to meeting her worldwide teams, especially those in the Philippines and Turkey. Whenever that happened, it would be her first trip since she and Cameron started dating. She had to admit that they were doing a good job of refraining from kissing. She was still blown away that he consented. Gabrielle smiled. She would miss him like crazy when travel time rolled around.

  Work. It was hard for her to keep her mind off Cameron and do just that. With renewed determination, she delved into answering company emails. In the process, her phone vibrated with a text. Thinking it was probably Cameron, she grabbed it quickly. A huge grin came over her face as she read the message from her brother Philip. He asked her to call him whenever she could talk.

  Getting up, Gabrielle closed the door to her office and tapped his number. Contentment washed over her as Philip’s authoritarian voice answered.

  After a few preliminaries, he said, “I was in prayer the other day and God placed you on my heart to really pray for you. Anything going on?”

  Gabrielle closed her eyes and waved her hand in the air. “Thank You, Jesus,” she mouthed. And she had thought God wasn’t listening to her plea. “I’m just kind of second-guessing some things in my life.”

  “Such as,” Philip prompted her, as if he didn’t have a demanding schedule.

  Sighing, Gabrielle didn’t want to hear herself say out loud what she had been silently praying to God. “I have everything going for me, yet I’m empty inside.”

  Philip didn’t respond right away. Whenever he was quiet, she sensed he was consulting the Lord on what to say.

  “Does this have anything to do with the man you were seeing before you left Boston and now both of you live in St. Louis?”

  “Yes. Cameron. He’s got so much going for him, but it’s the few things he’s lacking that trouble me. If you’ve spoken with Drexel, I’m sure he gave you a list of things he doesn’t like about him.”

  Philip chuckled. “You’re our baby sister. We’re not supposed to like any man who has eyes for you.”

  Gabrielle chuckled. “My feelings are strong for Cameron. He’s a go-getter in his education, family, society—”

  “But a slacker with Jesus,” Philip suggested.

  She nodded as though he could see her response. “I’m starting to ask myself if I should walk away or get on board the ‘bring any man to church’ campaign in order to get a husband. I want to be married, Philip, but God help me not to become so desperate where I close my eyes to keep from seeing red flags.”

  “It’s okay to have a desire to be married. Is Cameron your desire?”

  Gabrielle struggled with a truthful answer. “I’m crazy about Cameron.” She exhaled. “In his current state, if he were to ask me to marry him and I said yes, then I’d feel like I’m settling. I need some signs that he’s on fire for Jesus.”

  “Don’t settle. You’re a child of the King where blessings abound. You’re not on spiritual welfare where you have to take a handout from the devil.”

  On Saturday evening, Cameron stretched his arm across the back of Gabrielle’s chair. They were seated in the auditorium of the Blanche M. Touhill Performing Arts Center. Either Gabrielle was enthralled by Herbie Hancock or she was unaffected by Cameron’s presence. Because when he tried to inch her closer to him, she barely moved.

  During intermission, they strolled into the lobby for refreshments. When he reached for her hand, Gabrielle stiffened before she relaxed. Once they accepted cups of ginger ale from the bartender, Cameron guided her to a secluded corner.

  “What’s wrong, baby? I thought you would enjoy this concert.” Concentrating on her facial expressions, what he saw and heard had to be in sync. She was beautiful that night in her sleeveless gold dress and duster. Unfortunately, sadness or confusion seemed to fill her eyes.

  “I just have a lot on my mind.”

  Cameron didn’t like the sound of that. “The jazz concert was my way of relaxing you after a long work week. I’m a good listener.” He gently brushed the back of his hand against her soft cheek.

  The lights flickered, indicating the second half of the program was minutes away from beginning. Gabrielle was about to follow the crowd across the lobby without answering, but Cameron restrained her with his hand around her small wrist.

  “Gabrielle? I wish you would talk to me.”

  “Would you want to hear it, even if I was badmouthing you?”

  Cameron held his breath. This was serious, his woman wasn’t smiling. “What did I do now?”

  “Can we talk after the show?” she asked and resumed walking.

  No, you have a problem with me. I want to hear it now, he wanted to demand, but he wasn’t one to make a scene. Instead of sitting on the edge of his seat, enjoying the acoustics, he would be bracing for a tongue-lashing. “Sure,” he answered.

  When the concert ended, Gabrielle declined his offer to grab a bite to eat. “Can you take me home? We can talk on the way.”

  Cameron did just that, but once they were in his car, she wasn’t forthcoming, so he had to prompt her.

  “I’m ready for you to chew me out, although I have no idea what I did.”

  Turning away, Gabrielle glanced out the window. “It’s what you won’t do, Cameron. Every time I try and initiate a conversation with Jesus in the sentence, you shut down. Why is that a taboo subject with you?”

  Gritting his teeth, he refused to snap his frustration at her. “I see no need to inject God into our discussions.”

  “Why? It’s part of who I am,” she said.

  “Believe me, I’m a saint compared to what I used to be before I met you. And I was a good guy even then. For you, sweetheart, I have stopped cursing. I withhold from undressing you with my mind, and I’ve refrained from kissing you. I’m definitely in sainthood if I’m not making love to you, which you call sex. What more do you want from me?”

  His woman was pushing him and, as a man, he could only tolerate so much. It was time for her to give a little.

  “I guess I want nothing from you, Mr. Jamieson, absolutely nothing,” Gabrielle said with finality in her voice.

  No other words were uttered. When Cameron walked her to the door of her apartment building, he couldn’t stand it any longer. “I need a hug and I sure hope you’re not about to deny me one.”

  When she collapsed into his arms, Cameron kissed the top of her head. “We’ll work it out.” He was about to add, I promise, but when it came to religion, Cameron couldn’t hold to that promise.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Why am I still chasing this woman?” he asked Ace. Standing on Cameron’s back deck, they were preparing to barbecue for the upcoming Fourth of July celebration.

  A designated family member always started grilling the meat a day before because it was such a chore to complete in one day. This year, his parents nominated Cameron, and Ace volunteered to help.

  “This is the most frustrating relationship I have ever suf
fered through,” Cameron continued to vent.

  “Gabrielle isn’t holding you hostage. Walk,” Ace advised.

  But that wasn’t the answer Cameron wanted to hear, even if it did make 100 percent good sense. “My heart won’t let her go,” he admitted softly.

  Cameron went on to share that Gabrielle started pulling away from him for no good reason. Ace listened to the whole story about their disagreements, interjecting his opinion. However, Cameron was careful to point out their spats were nothing serious. They hadn’t even raised their voices at each other.

  By the end of the conversation, he was regretful that he had confided in his cousin. Ace’s comments had been no help. With disappointment in his voice, he told Ace, “Man, your brainstorming skills are sorely lacking.”

  “Then give the woman what she wants.” Feeling the sting from Cameron’s comment, Ace seemed thoughtful before his next statement. “Take it from a man who’s done everything the wrong way: women, partying, jail time, and the way I went about winning my wife’s forgiveness and love. Trust me. I’ve learned the hard way that you’re never going to get what you want until you give God what He wants.”

  “And what does Jesus want?” Cameron flipped a couple of burgers.

  “Your complete surrender.”

  “Listen to my preacher cousin. I never thought I would hear you telling me anything about Jesus.”

  “I never thought I would say the three forbidden words ‘I love you’ to any woman.” Ace paused, as his face took on a somber expression. “I almost lost my happiness because of my warped thinking. At the time, I didn’t know that Gabrielle was pulling for me and Talise when there was no ‘us.’ But, in hindsight, I see how God was connecting all the dots. You might as well surrender, man, if you have your heart set on her.”

  “Listen, man, I’m free from guilt. I have no regrets in my life. God gave me a certain number of talents, and I produce, so I’m not out of His will.”

  “Just because you think you’re okay doesn’t mean you’re in His perfect will.” Ace gave him a skeptical expression. “Gabrielle is high class and high spiritual maintenance. I would hate to see a Jamieson lose all his common sense in favor of book sense. Even though God gave you a double portion of that, you could flunk, man.”