He wondered how he’d ever talked himself into that, because he knew—even though he’d tried to convince himself otherwise—he could never be something less than with her. As much as he’d tried to deny it while he’d been living in Rochester, he knew she’d always been the one. The only one.
And he knew now, it had to be all or nothing.
Chapter Seventeen
“You’ve been quiet,” Olivia remarked from the passenger’s seat. She looked at Ian, watching the play of streetlights over the sharp planes of his face as they drove toward her condo.
He shrugged. “Just tired, I guess.”
Pursing her lips, she studied him closely. His jaw was set tight, his hands gripping the steering wheel. He sure didn’t look tired. He looked frustrated...upset. Though why, she had no idea. While the evening hadn’t gone exactly as she’d hoped it would have, she didn’t think anything had happened to cause distress for him.
It had started out well enough, but sometime after dinner, it seemed like Ian had pulled away from her. There hadn’t been the touches, kisses, general intimacy she’d hoped there would be on their first real date after crossing that invisible physical line.
She hoped that once they got up to her place, he’d let her know what was bothering him. Maybe he was having second thoughts about the whole thing between them. Though after what he’d said just before leaving for the wedding, she couldn’t understand what could possibly have caused a complete one-eighty in him.
Maybe it was something else entirely, like the interview he’d had last week. It was possible he hadn’t gotten the job and that was bothering him. The thought of it gripped Olivia’s heart. She hadn’t realized how much she was counting on him moving until the possibility of it was in question.
Without another word spoken between them, Ian found a parking spot, and they made their way up to her place. The ride in the elevator was fraught with tension, something that had never been between them before. Sure, they’d had their fair share of sexual tension, but this was something else entirely.
With a ding, the elevator doors opened. Olivia led the way toward her place before unlocking the door and heading inside. Dropping her purse on the side table, she kicked off her shoes, then turned to face Ian. He was leaning against the door, his hands in his pockets and a defeated look on his face.
“Ian,” she said, tentatively walking toward him. With merely a foot separating them, she reached out and touched his arm. “What’s going on? Is it about the job here?”
He gave a humorless laugh and looked at her. “No, it’s not about my job.” Without the happiness she’d thought he would feel, he said, “I was offered the position yesterday.”
“Really? That’s great!” She smiled brightly and leaned in to hug him. His arms were stiff around her, and as she pulled back, she noticed the tension still present in his shoulders. “I don’t understand. What’s got you so upset?”
“Us,” he said without hesitation. “This thing between us.” He gestured between them with his hand. “What’s missing here, Livvy?”
“What do you mean what’s missing? Nothing, I—”
“You have me, all of me. Always have, always will. But I’m tired of not having you.”
She was taken aback, uncertainty seizing her. Her mouth hung open without managing to produce any words. She felt blindsided by his frustrations. Finding her voice, she asked, “Ian, what brought this on? I thought we were going to see where things went?”
Shaking his head, he dropped his gaze to his feet. “I can’t do it anymore. I thought I could, I thought I could take whatever you could give, but I can’t do this half-assed bullshit anymore.” He looked up, his eyes boring into hers. Almost seeming to steel himself for what he was about to say, he took a deep breath. “I have been in love with you for twenty years. Twenty goddamn years.” Reaching up, he ran both hands through his hair in a sign of frustration. “I can’t pretend I’m not anymore. I want to be yours, Liv. Not just your plus one.”
She was dumbstruck, standing there staring at him openmouthed. He loved her? And, apparently, this wasn’t a recent development. Jesus, was she really so blind that she hadn’t seen his affection for her over the past two decades?
Decades.
Holy shit.
Ian—perfect, handsome, well-rounded, funny, sweet Ian—loved her.
“I...” Her mouth worked open and closed but no words came out. She didn’t know what to say. What could she say? He’d knocked her on her proverbial ass. She knew she cared for him, more than she’d ever cared for another man if she was being honest with herself. But love? She didn’t know. She’d always loved him, so it was hard to discern if it had grown from strictly loving to being in love.
When she had yet to say anything, he filled in the silence for her. “Yeah, I figured as much.” He pushed off the door, grabbed the duffel bag sitting at his feet and turned, gripping the doorknob.
Panic seized Olivia, and she reached for him. “Wait, Ian, you don’t have to go.” He couldn’t go now, leaving things between them this way. She just needed a minute to wrap her brain around this, to get her thoughts in order, but she couldn’t do anything as anxiety bubbled up in her chest.
Glancing back at her over his shoulder, his face crestfallen yet resolved, he said, “Yeah, I do. Goodbye, Liv.”
“Wait! Ian—”
The click of the door was the only answer to her plea, and the finality of it all shook her heart. He’d just walked out... As she recalled the look on his face before the door closed, she feared he wasn’t just walking out of her condo, but out of her life entirely.
She stood staring at the closed door in front of her, vaguely hearing the ding of the elevator down the hall. Walking to her door, she rested her forehead against it, feeling completely helpless as her fears over what this might mean held her immobile.
God, what had she done?
* * *
Olivia couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a worse night. After Ian left, after she’d realized what a complete and utter idiot she’d been, she’d spent some quality time with Ben & Jerry, drowning her sorrows in a pint of ice cream. She’d have been embarrassed at herself for being such a goddamned cliché if it hadn’t been for the overwhelming ache in her chest.
After gorging herself on the frozen goodness, she’d lain awake most of the night, the pain in her stomach—which wasn’t even remotely related to the aforementioned gorging—not allowing her even a moment’s peace. Try as she might, she couldn’t help but play Ian’s parting words over and over in her head.
You have me, all of me.
I can’t do it anymore.
I want to be yours, Liv. Not just your plus one.
And then, because she was really masochistic, she’d replayed the look he’d given her over his shoulder, and how final the echo of the door shutting behind him had sounded.
Twelve hours later, she wasn’t any closer to figuring out what to do. As she pulled up to the restaurant to meet Emma for their weekly brunch, all she knew was there was a knot in her stomach and a pang in her heart that hadn’t been there yesterday. She would have to be an idiot to not realize what that meant.
She was in love with him. Undeniably, unequivocally, head over heels, land-on-her-ass in love with him.
Yeah, that realization was a little late, now that he’d dropped his bomb and walked away.
Looking about as good as she felt, she slid into the seat across from Emma. Olivia wasn’t sure she was ready to face her, but she knew she couldn’t ditch her on their standing date. She never had let Emma know about her and Ian’s blooming relationship, not even knowing where to start, but now, she needed Emma like never before.
Somehow, Olivia had managed not to shed a single tear the night before, probably from the shock of it all. But now, as she sat across from her best friend and the person who knew her better than anyone, she felt the telltale tightening of her throat and the persistent burn in her eyes.
“Oh, Liv.” Extending her arm across the table, Emma reached for Olivia. As Emma held Olivia’s hand clasped between both of hers, Olivia was expecting sympathy from her best friend. Maybe a few soft-spoken words of encouragement. Of course, after a friendship this long, she should have known better. “What the hell were you thinking?”
Olivia sputtered, a few tears spilling over her lower lashes. Obviously Ian had talked to Emma after he’d left Olivia’s last night. The thought sent an ache to her chest, wishing he’d called her instead so they could talk through this.
“What the hell was I thinking?” She threw her hands up in the air, angrily swiping at her cheeks. “Well, I don’t know, Em. I was thinking that I was finally with a great guy who I really liked and who was about to make me scream his name—I’m sorry, but you asked. What I was not thinking was that he was going to tell me he’d been in love with me for the last twenty fucking years!”
To her credit, Emma just sat and listened to Olivia’s tirade, not even flinching at the sex comment or how her voice had risen slightly with each word she’d spoken. Once Olivia had finished and calmed enough to mellow out her breathing, Emma leaned toward her, her elbow perched on the table.
“Liv,” she said with a shake of her head. “You honestly had no idea? Jesus, girl, it was so obvious.”
“Wait, you knew?” Olivia’s mouth dropped open. She’d spent weeks agonizing over telling her best friend, worried and anxious about what it would do to their friendship, and the entire time, Emma had known?
Olivia didn’t even have time to feel relief over the fact that Emma obviously wasn’t going to disown her, because suddenly, she felt betrayed. It hadn’t been just one, but both of her best friends keeping something so huge from her for so long. Though what she was feeling went deeper than just betrayal. She also felt stupid and oblivious, like she’d been the talk of shared secrets between her best friends while she sat clueless on the sidelines.
Emma’s voice was gentle, but that didn’t help the sting lessen any. “Of course I knew, Liv. You didn’t have to live with the emo bastard through puberty—he was pretty transparent.” Emma cracked a smile, one Olivia didn’t return. Leaning in, Emma reached once more for Olivia’s hand. “Why do you think I always hated all the girls he dated? I mean, really, Liv. Do you honestly think I wouldn’t like someone just because they always smelled like banana chewing gum?”
Olivia snorted, remembering Jenna or Jenny or something similar from Ian’s freshman year in college.
“I can be a bitch, but I’m not that bad. I didn’t like any of them because they weren’t you.” She squeezed Olivia’s hand. “He’s loved you for so long. Even when he didn’t think he did anymore. It’s always been there. And I know you love him, too. You guys could be so good together.”
“Could have been, you mean.”
“No, I don’t. You still can be.”
Shaking her head, Olivia said, “He left last night, Em. He walked out, right after dropping all this on me. He just up and walked away. He didn’t even give me five frickin’ minutes to get used to the idea.”
“Well, he’s a man, sweetie. He’s going to do stupid shit sometimes, you know that. The question is if you’re going to just let him walk away.”
Chapter Eighteen
With a beer in one hand and the remote control in the other, Ian stared blankly at the TV. He should have been ashamed to admit it, but he’d done absolutely nothing else since he’d crawled out of bed earlier in the day.
A few hours and a hundred miles, not to mention a call to his sister, had given him some much-needed clarity about what had transpired the night before. When he’d put it all out on the line. There was no going back from this, and he knew it. He’d shown all his cards, handed his heart to Olivia, and she’d done nothing.
Sure, he hadn’t exactly made things easy for her, hadn’t given her any time to process his confession, but his pride had been wounded when she hadn’t immediately jumped in to say she felt the same. So he’d done what any self-respecting man would do: he’d turned tail and left, not looking back.
Though he could admit that perhaps he didn’t go about it the best way, he still knew he’d done the right thing in telling her. Because the night before had proven that when it came to Liv, he couldn’t strictly be benched on the sidelines. He needed to be in the game.
A soft knock sounded at his door, pulling him from his thoughts. Tossing the remote to the side, he set his beer on the coffee table before getting up to answer. He didn’t know what he expected, but it sure as hell wasn’t the caramel hair surrounding tentative blue eyes that greeted him.
When he didn’t say anything, Olivia shifted from foot to foot on his front porch. “I, um, went to your parents’ house first, but they said you never went there last night. I know I probably should have called, but—”
“It’s okay,” he said, finally finding his voice. He pulled the door open farther and gestured for her to come inside.
“Thanks.” She stepped into his living room, giving a brief glance around the place before her eyes met his.
He’d have to be blind not to see the hurt and confusion there, and he hated that he was the one who had caused both those emotions. Besides them, though, he also saw the steely set of her deep blue eyes, her clenched jaw and her shoulders held high with determination. Clearing her throat, she held his gaze. “What you did last night wasn’t fair, Ian.” When he started to speak, she held up her hand, stopping him. “Let me say this, please. You didn’t give me the chance last night, and I think I deserve that.”
He nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
She took a deep breath. “I feel like I’ve always known you. For as long as I can remember, you’ve always been a part of my life—an incredibly important part of my life. I don’t know what I’d ever do without you, which was probably why I never entertained the thought of something more than friendship with you.” With a self-deprecating smile, she continued, “You know I don’t have the best track record with men, and I was so scared to jeopardize our relationship. Even after you suggested coming with me to all these weddings, I was so nervous that something would happen to threaten what we had. And it did, but not at all how I was expecting it to.” She shook her head, her gaze dropping briefly before meeting his again. “The things you make me feel, Ian...I’ve never felt them before with anyone. No one makes me feel like you do.”
He could only stand stock-still as she moved toward him, tentatively reaching out for his hand. She danced her fingers over his palm before linking their fingers together. She tilted her chin up toward his face, her voice quiet. “I know it took me too long to get here, but I finally am. I love you, Ian. You were never just my plus one. How could you be?”
Her words poured over him, relief and exhilaration battling within. Hearing the words come from her mouth caused a visceral reaction in him. Suddenly, there was too much space separating them and he couldn’t get close enough to her. Ian tugged Olivia toward him until she was pressed against his body. He reached up and wrapped the fingers of both hands around the nape of her neck, his thumbs brushing along the curve of her jaw.
Bending slightly so he was at eye level with her, he whispered, “Say it again.”
She smiled, one of her hands moving to grip his forearm, as she indulged him. “I love you.”
Ian had waited so long for those words to come from her lips. He didn’t think his need to hear them would ever lessen. Pressing his forehead to hers, he closed his eyes, a smile taking over his face as he let what she said sink in.
“I just wish it hadn’t taken me this long to realize what I had.”
Shaking his head, he pulled back, his lips brushing feather-soft across her mouth. “It doesn’t matter.” He deepened the kiss, his fingers tightening in her hair as their tongues slid slowly against one another. Softly, he nipped at her bottom lip. With her face still cradled in his hands, his thumbs caressing the soft skin of her cheeks, he smiled. “You’re here
now.”
He trailed his hands down her back before cupping her ass, lifting her slightly. She complied with his silent request, wrapping her legs around his waist as she met him in a heated kiss. With purpose, he headed toward his bedroom, needing nothing more than to feel her skin against his.
Once inside his dimly lit room, they undressed quickly, the need he felt mirrored in her actions. Her lips were hungry against his, her whimpers and moans only fueling the fire he had for her. His hands skimmed her body as they lay on his bed, his fingers trailing over her curves. He brought a nipple to his mouth, sucking as one of his hands trailed farther south. He found her pussy wet and hot, his fingers sliding slickly through her heat.
“I need to be inside you, Livvy.”
“Yes, God, yes.” She arched into him, encouraging him to speed up his movements.
Reaching into the nightstand drawer, he pulled out a condom, quickly sheathing his cock with it. Lying on his back, he brought her astride him. He watched with lust-heavy eyes as she raised herself over his erection before sinking down on his length. His hissed reply met her strangled groan as she sat fully on him, pausing in the bliss of feeling their bodies joined.
She swiveled her hips, her head tipped back as her hands rested against his chest. Bringing her head forward, she locked eyes with him as she languidly lifted herself before sliding down just as slowly.
“Christ, baby,” he rasped, his eyes closing only briefly. “Fuck, you feel so good.”
She nodded, biting her lip as she continued her unhurried, torturous pace in their lovemaking. Ian loved this position, able to see every part of her body in great detail. Her breasts hung over his face, begging to be lavished with his tongue. He sucked a hardened tip into his mouth as his fingers sought out her clit. The double stimulation had her arching away from him, her head thrown back.
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