365 Days Alone

by Nancy Isaak

  She just can’t keep up with everybody.

  * * * *

  I wish Jude would let me tell the others about her dyslexia. But she’s still too embarrassed about it. When you’ve been teased for so much of your life, I guess it’s hard to trust that your friends will actually support and care for you.

  At least, Jude let me help her with her library lists.

  It took a long time, but we figured out some tricks to help her find the books. We created a little ‘picture alphabet’ to phonetically spell out the titles. It looks a little weird, but it seems to work. Plus, I’ll make sure to keep checking on her when we’re in the library, just in case she needs any more help.

  Even though I think we’ve got it covered, Jude’s still a little nervous that she’s going to screw up; I think that, overall—I have more confidence in her than she does.

  It’s going to work out fine. I know it.

  AND THE SWEETEST BELL RANG

  I got up early the day of the library trip, so that I could go to the Medical Center. Jay wasn’t there, yet, but Peyton was sleeping on a cot next to her sister.

  Amelie was wide-awake when I entered, her head turned to the side, looking out a window. She seemed very frail and she was so pale that I could see the veins through her skin.

  “Hey, cutie-pie,” I said, quietly pulling up a chair beside her.

  “Kaylee....” Her voice was so low and raspy, I had to strain to hear it.

  “We’re heading to the library in a few hours. Did your sister tell you about it?” Amelie gave a slight nod of her head. “So, I thought I’d come and see if there was a book you might like. I can’t promise it’ll be there, but I’ll definitely look.”

  Amelie said something, but her voice was so soft that I didn’t hear it. I bent down low, my head close to her lips. “Say it again, sweetheart.”

  Like a butterfly’s wings, her breath fluttered against my cheek as I listened closely. Then sitting back up, I smiled down at her.

  “I’ll do my best,” I said. “I promise.”

  With a kiss to her cheek, I said good-bye to Amelie, and walked out of the Medical Center.

  Once in the hallway—I sat down against the wall…and cried.

  Amelie had asked me to find her a book about ‘heaven’.

  * * * *

  Forty-five minutes later, Amelie died in her sister’s arms.

  * * * *

  It was Jude and the Construction Detail, who climbed the hill above Agoura High and dug Amelie’s grave. They buried her there, right above the giant ‘A’—where she could look out over the entire Conejo Valley.

  Everyone attended the funeral.

  It wasn’t easy for some to climb the steep hill, but we all helped each other, waiting until every girl was assembled.

  Before us, was a mound of dirt—covered in flowers. Jude and her Detail had already buried Amelie, wrapping her in a soft blanket and laying her head on a pillow.

  A small, wooden cross had been driven into the ground at the head of her grave. On it someone had carved:

  ‘She was our sister—our Amelie.’

  * * * *

  All of the Foxes were dressed appropriately in black.

  Peyton had on a BCBG dress that should have been stunning, with its swishy skirt and little pearl buttons. Except that Peyton had either miscalculated, or simply given up—three of the buttons were undone. And when I looked down at her feet, I noticed that Peyton was wearing a simple pair of socks and sneakers—with the socks mismatched.

  Beside Peyton—Tray looked flawless in a black pinstriped pantsuit.

  It was odd, looking at the two of them. Peyton, so shattered with grief, slowly weaving back and forth as if being shaken by the wind. Tray, standing ramrod straight, her reaction non-existent.

  As in—there was nothing on Tray’s face.

  No tears. No sadness.

  (Honestly—to this day—I truly believe that Tray couldn’t have cared less that Amelie had died.)

  * * * *

  Orla, meanwhile, stood before us in a black gabardine shift and tights. She was struggling not to cry, and seemed to be truly grief-stricken.

  “I just want to say—that I loved Amelie Buckingham. She was a beautiful girl and she will be missed. This is a horrible day for our community. Peyton, I am so very, very sorry.”

  Stepping back, Orla blew her nose quietly into a tissue.

  I looked around, wondering what would happen next.

  Jay was beside me, tears streaming down her face. Lily was next to her, one hand holding Jay’s, the other holding onto Jude’s on her other side.

  My heart dropped—gazing down at Lily.

  The little girl looked traumatized, her eyes wide, her mouth open. She was beginning to breathe in tiny gasps of grief and panic.

  “Psst!” I hissed.

  Jude was staring out across the green and silent valley below, her thoughts obviously far away. My whisper brought her back to life, however, and I nodded my head toward Lily.

  Seeing Lily’s distress, Jude reached down and lifted the smaller girl up and into her arms. Lily immediately laid her head down on Jude’s shoulder; her thumb went into her mouth and she began to cry softly.

  Sophia, meanwhile—carrying a large bible—moved into position at the head of Amelie’s grave.

  “I am the resurrection and the life,” she began. “Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live.”

  On the other side of the grave, Wandy (standing with Cherry and a tearful Shawnee) crossed herself and said, “Amen.”

  But…Sophia wasn’t finished, yet.

  She held her bible tightly to her chest, took a deep breath, and began to preach. “In the Book of Revelation, God speaks of smiting the earth with all plagues. Can anyone doubt that His words have come true? Can anyone doubt that this young girl was taken from us by the plague of sin and depravity?”

  Around me, girls began to grumble; others shifted, looking uncomfortable.

  Not noticing—or not caring—Sophia continued. “We live at the right hand of Babylon—that which others call Hollywood. A world of false images, of whores and sodomites…”

  Cherry’s head shot up, her brow furrowing in anger.

  “…where this young girl lost her way, a sinner amongst the worst of humanity. That God should send the Pale Horse—the Fourth Horseman—to strike her down first. It surely must be a sign to all of us. A warning…a…

  “NO…you shut up…you shut up right now!”

  * * * *

  It took me a moment to realize that the angry voice shouting was my own.

  All around, heads were turning in my direction.

  Sophia looked shocked. She stood there, mouth open, not knowing if she should stop or continue.

  “Don’t you dare, Sophia!” I warned—moving toward her. “Don’t you dare call that sweet girl a sinner! If anyone deserves to sit at the right hand of God, it is Amelie. She was good and she was kind and…and…she was an angel on earth!”

  At the side of Amelie’s grave, Peyton suddenly collapsed to her knees.

  Rushing forward, I knelt down beside her.

  I felt absolutely horrible.

  “Oh my god, Peyton,” I cried. “I’m so sorry! Please, please forgive me for ruining Amelie’s funeral. I shouldn’t have said anything—I should have just kept my stupid mouth shut. I’m so very, very sorry…I’m such an idiot!”

  But—instead of being upset with me—Peyton reached out and pulled me in close. She held onto me tightly, sobbing. “You were absolutely perfect, Kaylee—and Amelie would have just loved that!”

  * * * *

  That night, Jude, Jay, and I sat in the backyard, talking with Lily.

  “Do you think that Amelie is with my mom and Ethan?” our youngest asked.

  “I don’t think your mom and brother are dead,” I said, truthfully.

  “Where do you think they are, then?”

  “I’m not sure. But I like to think that they�
��re still going on with their lives somewhere. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?”

  “But Amelie is dead,” Lily said, sadly.

  “Amelie is dead,” I nodded.

  “Why was Sophia so mean at the funeral?” she asked, changing directions.

  “Because Sophia is a crazy bi…” Jude stopped short when Jay and I both gave her dirty looks. She started again. “Because Sophia is a bit crazy.”

  “Sophia’s confused,” said Jay. “Like you were when we first found you. Remember how you didn’t talk for a while?”

  Lily nodded.

  “Too bad Sophia wouldn’t stop talking for a while,” grunted Jude. “Give us a break from all that ridiculousness.” She quickly looked down at Lily. “I’m not talking about believing in God,” Jude told the little girl. “I’m talking about the ‘sinners-this’ and ‘plague-and-damnation-that’…the whack-a-doodle stuff.”

  “You don’t think that God made everybody disappear?” Lily asked.

  Jude shrugged. “I don’t know. And if everybody else was being honest—they’d tell you that they don’t know either. So we just have to continue on living and being the best people we can.”

  “But we’re all girls,” said Lily.

  “There might be some boys somewhere,” said Jay, hopefully.

  “What if there aren’t no boys?” asked Lily.

  “No pee around the toilet, then,” I joked.

  “No burping the alphabet,” Jay added.

  “No more pulling my baby finger,” I continued.

  “No more babies,” said Lily, sadly—then she sighed. “I sure hope I’m not the last girl left. Who will bury me on the hill if everyone else is gone?”

  APRIL

  OFF TO THE LIBRARY

  Because of Amelie’s death and funeral, the trip to the Agoura Hills Library had been put off until the first week of April. Those of us making the journey finally assembled one morning, at the gate to the high school football field.

  Since there was always the possibility that we would have to travel as far as the Westlake Village Library, we carried small overnight backpacks. One of the 12th graders on the Protection Detail also carried a special first aid kit that Jay had prepared, containing bandages and antiseptic.

  Plus—the day before—Jay had given all of us a short lesson on what we should do in various medical emergencies.

  Obviously, we were all hoping not to have to use that knowledge.

  As part of the Protection Detail that was accompanying us, Jude was given a large knife and—believe it or not—a spear (scavenged from the Performing Arts Center). It really irritated Jude, especially because all of the 11th and 12th graders in the Detail had guns or rifles.

  Of course, Jude was carrying her own gun hidden in her fanny pack. It was just that she was insulted that the Council didn’t give her another gun. To Jude, that meant that they didn’t really want her for security—they just wanted to use her for muscle.

  To push the carts.

  * * * *

  Just before we left, Alice and Shelton rode up on Beauty and the chestnut horse. They had been tasked with being in charge of the expedition.

  Lucky us—Tray wasn’t going!

  To keep our group from being distracted during the departure preparations, Orla had ordered all bystanders to the far side of Argos Street. There were about fifteen girls watching from the sidewalk opposite the high school—some looking excited, others bored, still others plainly jealous that they hadn’t been chosen for the Library Detail.

  Wandy and Jay were also among the bystanders—both looking very solemn, while they talked quietly together. At their feet, Shawnee and Lily sat on the curb, and I noticed that Shawnee kept slipping Lily bits of what looked to be chocolate from a large bar that was peeking out of her left jacket pocket.

  On our side of Argos, meanwhile, we were all busy checking our backpacks—making sure that everything was well-secured.

  Except Jude.

  She was next to a stanchion, whacking her spear on the cement post. “Stupid thing won’t break!” she muttered, finally giving up.

  “You still hoping that they’ll give you a gun?” asked Cherry.

  “Just don’t want to carry a stupid spear the whole way,” Jude complained. “It’s embarrassing.”

  “Give it here.” I took the spear, turned Jude around, and tied it to her backpack. The tip of the spear now stuck up just above her shoulder, so Jude could grab it easily if she needed it.

  “Nice,” she grinned. “Very “Lord of the Rings”.

  “Ladies.”

  We all turned to find Orla and Tray, standing a few feet away.

  “I just wanted to say, have a wonderful trip.” Orla motioned to everyone assembled. “And to be careful…stay safe.”

  Then she handed some papers up to Alice, who was still astride Beauty. “These are your visas,” Orla said—loud enough for everyone to hear. “As long as you stay on Agoura Road and don’t leave the group, the Westlake Village girls have agreed to leave you guys alone.”

  “Heard anything more about the beasts?” asked Alice.

  Orla shook her head. “Just what I’ve already told everyone. So keep your eyes peeled and your heads up. They’re out there somewhere…and if they’re coming up Topanga and down from Simi Valley, then that means that they’ve got you boxed in. They could be in front or behind of you. So make sure everyone stays in the group where you’ll all have a better chance at defending yourselves.”

  Alice nodded. “Absolutely.”

  “I’d have a better chance of defending us with a gun than with a stupid spear,” Jude muttered—a little too loudly.

  If she had heard Jude’s words, however, Orla chose to ignore them. Instead, she walked to the head of the line, held up her hand, and said, “Be safe, sisters.”

  * * * *

  It was actually kind of exciting when we finally started walking.

  The girls across the street began to applaud; some even cheered.

  Lily stood up and started jumping up and down. Jay waved and Wandy blew a kiss toward Cherry. Shawnee yelled ‘goodbye’ from the curb, even as she continued to sneak bites from her hidden candy bar.

  I wondered if this had been what it was like for soldiers heading off to war.

  Of course, soldiers probably didn’t have to walk down only one block, head into Ralphs, and come out pushing a shopping cart.

  * * * *

  There is a small strip mall, just across the 101 Freeway—right on the edge of our border. In our old lives, this was where we came to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant for arguably the best Chinese food in the Conejo Valley. And if you weren’t hungry for Chinese food, there were also pancakes at IHOP or burritos at Taco Bell or moules-frites at Ladyface Ale Companie—a popular restaurant and microbrewery.

  * * * *

  “What does it say?” asked Alice.

  We were standing in front of Taco Bell, where somebody had spray painted all over the front windows—a series of letters and symbols.

  “It looks like a gang tag,” said Shelton. “Like from down in Compton.”

  “Do you think it’s from those Probationary girls from the juvie camps?” asked a 9th grader. “Maybe they’ve made it up this far.”

  Shelton looked around nervously. “If they have, then they’re probably marking their territory.”

  “We’ll have to be extra careful checking out the mall,” said Alice. “We walk in two’s now. Security patrols along the outside. If anything happens, we do like in the movies. Circle the carts. Girls without weapons in the middle.”

  Jude snorted—trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.

  “Got a problem, Rude?” asked Alice.

  “End of the world, toilet paper is running out, and I’m an extra in a Cowboys and Indians movie,” Jude chuckled. “So, yes, Alice…I’ve got lots of problems.”

  The 12th grader stared furiously at Jude—who stared right back.

  It was Alice who blinked
first.

  Recovering quickly, she motioned everyone forward. “Let’s go, Ladies…now!”

  * * * *

  Ladyface Ale was a mess.

  Chairs and tables had been torn apart; not a single one was still intact. On the walls, the glass mirrors were all smashed, their remnants crunching under our feet as we walked through the front door.

  And—if there had been any alcohol left in the microbrewery when the event happened—it certainly wasn’t there now. Somebody had emptied all the product shelves.

  Meanwhile, in the production room, the large brewing tanks had been spray-painted with the same letters and symbols that we had seen on the Taco Bell windows.

  On a wall nearby, however, was a new addition—‘FU Agoura Hills!’

  “Well, that’s not very polite,” drawled Jude.

  * * * *

  We wound up searching through each of the shops and restaurants in the strip mall and, everywhere we went, we discovered the same—vandalism and graffiti.

  With each scene of devastation that we uncovered, we found ourselves nervously looking over our shoulders more and more. I don’t think that any of us would have been surprised had a group of vicious delinquent teenage girls suddenly come war-whooping towards us, their teeth sharpened into points, their eyes filled with rage.

  But—we saw no one.

  * * * *