by AJ Brooks
Cassius, please don’t let anger overtake you. Please.
A hand rests on either side of my head, holding me still. The Unfated surround us and I close my eyes tighter.
“You can fight your fate or you can face it. This is the last choice you’ll ever have to make.”
Her mocking tone makes me angry and my eyes spring open. Pain slices through me so hard I gasp for air.
I will face this because I’m doing good. Even now. Three lives are enough.
I bite back a scream as a strange wave of calm washes over me. Instead of allowing myself to be in this moment, I let myself live moments with Cassius. The early ones as Helena, the few happy moments I had in my other lifetimes. Places I’ve lived. People I knew. My lives and experiences were never all bad. There was always some good soul who found me. Always someone who loved me for me. These experiences are something Serissa will never understand.
I believe in good, and I believe she’ll fail. I believe that Cassius will never break. He’ll never join her.
She’s misread his heart. Like she’s misread mine through her own broken soul.
I let out a whimper, but stifle it, doing everything in my power to keep my thoughts where I need them to be so terror doesn’t take over. The pain is like nothing I’ve felt. Stronger than anything.
Almost.
But not like love. Not as strong. The slicing feels stronger, but I have to tell myself that’s not right. Love, in all its forms, saves. It saved me lifetime after lifetime from the horrors I endured. Saved me in the face of a small girl who used to bring me water, and in the complete strangers who helped me find my mother. Countless people in countless lives showed me kindness and even though I didn’t have specific memories until now, part of my soul remembers. These memories are why I’ve survived all my lifetimes still believing in something good. Something bigger than me. Why I always looked for love.
Because I believe in love.
Serissa screams in delight as I fall to my knees, weakened by the memories taking over my brain.
I turn my mind to Cassius, how he came to see me again and again. How a part of him always found me. How he’d always done what he could for me. Lifetime after lifetime. He won’t forget that. Not that he knows those were all me. He won’t forget. He won’t forget. He won’t forget.
The Unfated slip through my body like burning poison.
I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid. I am loved. I saved people. Mom will be okay. Taylor will be okay. Max will be okay. Cy will never stop fighting her. I acted in love. I did good here. I did good.
The pain pushes out everything else. Blazing through my brain and spreading through every cell of my body. I scream, but even that’s cut off as the slicing strangles me.
“One more moment,” she whispers. “And then you’re mine...then he'll be mine.”
I love you Cy, I think as I lose control of my body.
XXXII
Cassius
The cave is silent as I struggle to steady my breathing, and I feel a rush of air pass over me like someone has walked by. My head snaps up to look into three sets of eyes, wild and bewildered. Terrified and defiant.
Taylor, Max and Crystal stand in front of me in the dark wet cave. They can’t see me, but I can see their frantic gazes dart around the room.
“Taylor?” My voice cracks through her name and she screams.
“Taylor it’s me. Cy.” I push myself to standing and she plows into me making me stumble, which is a feat in itself.
I catch her in a hug and she runs her hands over my face and shoulders like a mother would do after her child fell. “Are you okay? Are you hurt? Where are we? Where’s Zarah? She can’t. It’s a trap, Cy–” Taylor’s words are so fast and disjointed it radiates her fear.
“We have to go, Taylor. We’ll talk outside.” My muscles tense to the point of snapping. Of course it was a trap. With Serissa it’s always a trap.
But Zarah asked me to trust her. I had to. I had to let her go.
“But–” Taylor starts and Max pulls her from me.
“Outside, Taylor. Please,” Max whispers and she squeezes his hand. I see the smile she gives him in the dark, knowing he can’t see her. It’s a painful smile, but a knowing and empathetic smile. Taylor cares about Max’s feelings, and I have no idea how I missed the way they balance one another. The rough edges of her soul seem softer with her hands in his.
We make our way to the entrance of the cave system, and I walk next to Zarah’s mother who is silent. Her eyes swim with tears. I reach for her hand and she jumps. She presses her lips together and squeezes my fingers. I have no idea what I could possibly say to her.
I’m sorry your daughter is choosing to die to save you. I’m sorry I put her in this position two hundred years ago. I’m sorry for the pain you’ll feel every time you think of her for the rest of your life.
Sunlight begins to creep into the cave, illuminating the opening in the distance, and I know they’re going to need some answers when we get outside. And then I feel it. The crack straight through my chest. The air sucked from my lungs like I no longer deserve to breathe.
But unlike every other time I’ve felt the loss of her, this one is different. A stirring panic swirls through my head as I feel my mind splitting. The sound is deafening and my heart threatens to shatter. A pain rips through me so fast and feverishly that I drop to my knees, gasping for breath. This time I'm dying with her. Something’s not right.
The three others stop, but I notice nothing over the pain. My shoulders slump forward, and I try to stifle my voice but it comes out anyway as a dry, cough-like sounding moan.
“Zarah.” The word escapes me involuntarily. Slowly the numbness creeps in. Half my body on fire, half completely cold.
Zarah’s mother puts her hand on my face.
“She’s gone. I feel it too.” Her other hand is over her heart.
She’s gone. The thought buzzes through my brain as I struggle against the sickness in my stomach. Gone, gone.
The sound is small at first but grows in intensity. A pulsing, grating sound like my ears are on fire and my brain is going to explode. It takes a minute but I realize it’s not me. The sound is a scream. Taylor’s scream. Not words. Just pain. One long muffled harrowing scream as Zarah’s best friend sinks into a squatting position on the cold wet floor and presses her hands to her mouth.
Max leans down to Taylor and takes her wrists. Tears flow from her eyes as they silently stare at each other. Taylor pushes herself up in a blur, shoving Max away, and runs down the long cave pathway back in the direction we came.
Max catches up to her, and I watch them from my place kneeling on the wet rock, Zarah’s mom’s hand still on my shoulder.
It’s all slow motion and on mute. Max grabs Taylor around the waist, kicking and flailing. Her lips forming Zarah’s name. She screams and struggles. Max loses her once but catches up again. He crushes her to his chest as she struggles and pushes. Max spins her to face him and tangles her in his arms so tight she can’t move.
I see Taylor’s fight die out as her sobs turn to hyperventilation. I watch as she stops struggling. As she understands that it’s too late. I watch her hope die and part of me dies too.
I watch her go numb as I understand why this time was different. Zarah's soul is what Serissa wanted. But not because she wants Zarah to suffer. Because she wants me to suffer. Because she wants Mother to pay. And by defying my own mother I made this kind of horror so easy for Serissa.
I watch Taylor's love for her friend rip her to pieces.
That's what real love looks like. Not arrows and spells and beauty.
But balance, and loyalty, and connection.
Max sinks to the ground as Taylor’s legs give out and she cries into him. He rocks her and holds her and rests his chin on her head, looking straight up at the ceiling, holding back his own tears so she can have hers.
He holds her. For a minute. Ten. An hour, I don’t know.
All
I know is Zarah’s gone.
And I finally understand what love is.
Part V
The first, and the second and the next... Until the last
Somewhere and nowhere, modern day
Her sisters twirl around her, and mother is focused on the Duke who she knew had watched her. She'd tried to ignore some of the silliness of her sisters to impress him. And then her eyes found unfamiliar ones across the square and her mouth pulled into an easy smile. He didn't seem to realize she stared at him. When her smile widened he spun to see nothing behind him. When he turned back his eyes were wide with surprise...and then he turned to stone.
He shortened her name and called her Lena. They took every moment they could together. Their kisses no longer hesitant, and selfish as it was, she knew she'd never get enough... In a fit of frustration, she hurt him the only way she knew how... Turned his magic against him.
Rose! The name is screamed over and over and she cringed deeper into the corner of the cellar praying her father didn't find her there. Squeezing her ten-year-old eyes, she wished for him to go away. Fear gripped her so hard she trembled in the corner and then her ghost came. He gave her a tentative smile, his golden eyes so filled with sadness that his caring eased some of her burden. She clutched her sides harder, her fingers falling into the spaces between her ribs. “Thank you for coming,” she whispered. But he didn't answer. He never did. Only gave her sad smiles and sat with her in the dark...
She spun away from him, knowing she was not fast enough for his strong arms. The back of his hand burned across her face and she fell to the floor. What he wanted next was always the same. “We are not married,” she pleaded, the French sounding as natural to her ears as if she'd always held that language. His hungry hands crawled up her legs. “And you have no father to speak of, Collette. You are lucky I find you beautiful.”
She sobbed when he’d finished, not having bothered to do more than pull up her skirts. She stumbled into the backyard of his father’s house where she hid behind the old gravestones and drew pictures in the dirt. Movement in the trees caught her eye and she jumped until the familiar soft smile of the golden-eyed man gazed down upon her. “Your drawings have gotten better.”
“Lots of practice. I’m here so much.”
The ghost’s eyes looked over her shoulder. “The father is a kind man.”
Her chest swelled. “He will not think ill of his son, but yes, he is kind. He makes my life here worth living.”
“Life is always worth living,” the man told her.
“Even one such as mine?” she asked wondering if she wanted the answer. Even still. Even as the words left her mouth, she knew the answer. She was strong enough to survive one man.
The ghost knelt next to her. “I want to tell you a story about a girl I used to know. You remind me of her...”
She felt stronger again. Arial. On a boat with her family, traveling over the ocean to America. She skipped over the groping hands of her brothers, of her fiancé, of the abuse she suffered as a poor man’s wife in the New York and remembered the young girl who pulled her from the streets and brought her home for one last meal before she closed her eyes and her life as Arial stopped... There was so much peace and kindness in that simple gesture that she chose to focus on that girl in her last thoughts.
< - - - >
With no body the pain is a different kind, swirling and mixing. I was stronger with each life. Each body and experience taught me more patience, more forgiveness. The anger as Helena gave way to something softer with Rose and again with Collette. Arial accepted and knew the people she lived with were broken. Instead of being angry, she pitied them. Her soul was so less wounded than it was with Duke whose extremes were nothing compared to the horror of her brothers, yet she was more at ease. More at peace. More ready to embrace any amount of kindness or warmth that was shown her. Me. Her. It’s all part of me, and yet detached.
Zarah lies in her closet, afraid to let go of the golden-eyed figment of her imagination. She does nothing to change her life because her heart feels solid. A flash of anger is followed by days of peace.
She learned. They all learned. Everything known fades into fog.
XXXIII
Unknown
“There you are,” a woman says. There is so much love in her voice that I’m almost afraid to see her face. “I was wondering when we’d finally see you.”
I swallow, but the action doesn’t feel right. “Where am I?”
“In my home. In our home, sweet girl. I’m preparing you.”
“For what?”
“This is all very disconcerting. Come here so we can get you worked out. I still feel as if I’m speaking to nothing.”
I breathe in and don’t recognize the smell as a place that I’ve been before. I’m not sure where I’ve been before...
The scent is floral. Nice. Soft. Calming.
“Here.”
I blink but the reflection is a shimmery person-like shape somewhere between gold and nude. A part of my brain knows this isn’t quite right, but I can’t place why.
“This is the fun part. You decide what you’ll look like.” Her voice is butter soft and lovely, helping me stay calm in this haze of muddled memory and love.
“So.” I blink and the person thing in the mirror blinks. Another part of me registers that this shouldn’t be real. I’m digging into my memory, but come up with nothing. I have no memory except a swirling grey. “What do I do?”
“Picture yourself,” the woman says. “I find it helps gods to close their eyes.”
“Gods? Okay.” And Serissa and the pain, and the dead eyes of the Unfated come back to me in a rush that makes me stumble.
“Oh, no, dear.” Her melodic voice sounds worried as she takes my shoulders. “That part is over. Breathe. Let it go. You can think on those things once you’ve gained some measure of comfort with your new self.”
I close my eyes, but almost the moment they’re closed she gasps.
“You are splendid, child.”
I blink, and I don’t know who I am. I take a step closer to the mirror, touching my face as memories rush through my head so fast I shouldn’t be able to make sense of them, but I do. I’ve been so many people before now. Before whatever I am now. Everything feels as if it were yesterday. The sharpness. The clarity.
I blink again in the mirror and now comes into focus. I see parts of Helena in my cheekbones and pale eyes. Zarah’s dark thick hair and lashes, and maybe Collette in the shape of my mouth. The same man’s face and golden eyes are in every life, every girl. I fight for the name of the man from my visions or memories. “Who am I now? What happened? Who is he?”
“He is my son. And not someone who should be bothering your thoughts quite yet. Your connection to him is stronger than I thought.” Her voice is melodic—fluid and thoughtful.
I mold my body to my specifications, except a bit shorter because I already feel so incredibly strong, and I want the balance. I recognize that this is not a normal thing to be able to do. Only I’m not panicked. I’m far too strong for panicking. There’s an odd sort of calm. A feeling like I have forever for every tiny detail. That I have eternity to figure out what's happening to me.
“A sacrifice goes a long ways, dear one. But a sacrifice of ones soul goes even further. You were willing to give yourself to the Unfated for all of eternity to save those you loved. There is no sacrifice more godly than that one."
Zarah would have stumbled a few times and needed a chair. Collette would have cried. Arial would have hid. I don’t need to do any of those things. My pale eyes are already feeling comfortable as I stare at myself in the mirror.
“I’m sure she’ll be watching for you, for Serissa does not like to lose, but I imagine you’ve had enough practice and can take care of yourself. Now that you have the proper tools, of course.”
Finally I let my eyes fully rest on the woman next to me and there are no words to describe her presence.
Her smile
is demure and perfect. Locks of hair travel down a fluid body. Her smile is so apparent, yet subtle. “Yes. Lovely. You are lovely.”
“So… What am I?”
“Goddess of Forgiveness. The Fates knew you’d exemplify that calling, as do I.”
“I’m…” I’m trying to process what that means. “My soul. Serissa. She was so happy that I’d fallen for her trick…”
The woman sighs. “The details. You’re still caught on the details. It’s a mortal trait you’ll lose after a while. Your soul was protected, dear. You had the Fates on your side as well as Cassius and myself... and it would appear, Curo. By offering up yourself, to whatever Serissa had in store, only to save those you love? That’s not something Serissa can comprehend, nor fight against.”
My death in front of Serissa plays out in my mind in detail, but I’m detached this time, rather than feeling each excruciating moment.
“The Fates are satisfied because your ripple has smoothed over, and I’d guess they sent Cassius near you more than once. Gave you a glimpse into love. Clearly, they anticipated your success.”
“Cassius.” With his name comes another flood of memories and the feeling of relief as if a battle was just won. “We did it then. We succeeded.”
I turn to face her, and the love that floods me and spills through my thoughts isn’t something I’m quite sure how to deal with. I turn my gaze back to the mirror.
“You have more important things to think about now than Cassius. He is a god. He will continue to be.” Her voice is so relaxed I find myself letting the anxious part of me slide away.
“I might have a million questions.” But there will be time. Logically, I should feel a weight of urgency, but I can’t. My existence will all be okay. I know this more certainly than I’ve ever known anything.