Upgrade U

by Ni-Ni Simone

  “Are you hatin’ on my baby, Seven?”

  “Y’all know what?!” Khya wrestled with her sheets until she unwrapped herself and sat up. “You two got a bad habit of talkin’ while I’m tryna to finish my sleep.”

  “Tell ‘em, Khya,” Courtney banged on the wall and complained. “ ‘Cause Lawd knows I need my sleep too. I didn’t get back from the ‘Boys Who Like Zebra Print’ party until one this morning. And between Seven’s funky lil cousin and Seven sliding out of that black F-150 pickup at one-thirty A.M., looking like a bowl of mustard greens and guilt, I’ve been up all night.”

  “F-150 pickup?” Khya looked at me and squinted her eyes.

  “Would that happen to be the same pickup that splashed water in our hair?” Shae asked.

  “Pause.” Courtney banged on the wall. “Two snaps up and a fruit loop, Seven, was that baby-daddy last night? I’ll be right over there for details.”

  Before I could flip and put all of them in their places, Courtney banged on the door. “Open up!”

  “I’ma fight him,” Khya said, as Shae opened the door for Courtney.

  “And you gon’ die too.” Courtney walked in the room, and growled at Khya. “You don’t be grittin’ on me as soon as I walk up in here.”

  O … M … G …

  I blinked my eyes at Courtney in disbelief. “Are you serious coming in here like that?” I looked at Shae and Khya and they were in just as much shock as I was. Why did this fool have green sponge rollers in his hair, a zebra-print leotard, zebra-print slippers, and a matching boa?

  “Why would you come over here looking like that?” I spat.

  “What?” Courtney flung the ends of his boa to the back of his shoulders. “I sleep in this every night. I know, it’s sexy, right?” He winked his eye. “Make y’all look at me and imagine thangs. But guess what?” He flopped down on my bed. “Ain’t none of y’all my type. Mouths too big and ya too nosey. But you my girls though. Now, Seven, wassup with you? You on the creep-creep?”

  “First of all, Zaire and I only grabbed a bite to eat,” I said and purposely left out the details. “And second of all”—I gawked at Courtney and twisted my neck—“I don’t remember inviting you into my business.”

  “Well, I ain’t going anywhere.” Courtney blinked. “So you may as well let me in.”

  “How did we get stuck with you?”

  “Stuck?” Courtney frowned as he took my spare pillow and tucked it under his head.

  “You can have that.” I rolled my eyes.

  “You a feisty lil thing early in the morning.” Courtney smiled at me. “Keep it up and you just might turn me on. I like a lil aggression. Now tell me, wassup with you and Black Love and don’t leave out any details. Start from the moment he walked up to you and said, ‘You, woman, you come to me, man, and we get together and get our freak on.’ ”

  “Is that your pick-up line, round?” Khya frowned. “If so that’s why you’re lonely and skipping around here in leotards and carrying on. You got issues.”

  “And what you got, Khya? ‘Cause you’re lonely too! At least I’m not talking about an imaginary boy named Jamil every few minutes!”

  “First of all me and Jamil got a love thang; and it’s real. And furthermore, I’m far from being lonely, boo,” Khya snapped. “ ‘Cause I been kicking it to Chaz, honey. Didn’t you read my status update?”

  “Oh my.” Courtney smiled. “You and lil Eminem got a vanilla and chocolate groove going on?” Courtney jumped up off of my bed and started doing the pop, lock, and drop it. “Getcha swirl on, getcha-getcha swirl on!”

  I wanted to be mad, but all I could do was look at Courtney and laugh. “You are crazy.”

  “And you’re fresh.” Courtney stopped his dance and returned to the bed. “Now right after Khya fills us in on her lil homeboy, we gon’ move on to you. We’re listening, Khya.”

  Khya smiled. “Okay, he’s really cute and sweet.”

  “Okay.” Courtney batted his eyes. “Tell us more.”

  “And he plays football.”

  “Touchdown!” Courtney jumped up in glee. “She scores! Khya found us an MVP!”

  “Another athlete, Khya?” I looked at her perplexed. “Girl you got more groupie’ism than me, ‘cause I can’t handle it.”

  “And why is that?” Shae asked, and I knew she was serious, because of the look on her face. And besides that, out of everyone in the room Shae was the only one who knew me and Josiah when….

  “Is there something going on with you and Josiah?” Shae asked.

  “Not really, it’s just that half of the time I feel like he’s somewhere else,” I confessed.

  “And the other half?” Shae asked.

  “I feel like he’s with someone else.”

  “You think he’s cheating on you?”

  “Oh no!” Courtney sniffed. “I can’t take being dogged. Not again, Lawd, not again!”

  "Would you cut it out?!” I looked at him as if he’d lost his mind. “For once I’m trying to be serious and you’re carrying on.”

  “I am being serious. I don’t joke this early in the morning,” Courtney snapped. “And as a matter of fact, I don’t have to take this! It’s obvious you don’t want me in on your lil funky secrets anyway.” His voice trembled.

  Is he about to cry?

  Courtney carried on, “And here I love you three like sisters and this is how you treat Courtney?”

  “It’s not like that, Courtney,” I said, feeling guilty.

  “Then apologize to me.” He slapped my hand with the end of his boa.

  “My fault, Courtney.”

  “Okay, now tell us what’s going down.” His attitude quickly snapped back in place.

  “I don’t know.” I hunched my shoulders in defeat. “A big part of me loves Josiah and wants to be with him no matter what, but another part of me is tired.”

  “You’re young, Seven, you need to live,” Courtney said, and for once he sounded serious. “You have plenty of time to settle down.”

  Shae spat, “First of all, she’s been with him since tenth grade and before this moment she wanted to keep him forever, so forgive me, but I seemed to have missed something here.”

  “Just because she’s been with him for a while doesn’t mean she should be unhappy,” Khya added.

  “I’m not saying that. Of course she shouldn’t be unhappy,” Shae snapped, “but no relationship is perfect.”

  “At seventeen,” Khya said, “if your relationship is not like something out of a movie then dump him. Move on to the next athletic scholarship. You know, Seven, there are a few golf players here and the brothahs are tearing up the greens.”

  I waved my hand as if I were trying to get attention. “Whenever you all want to know my thoughts let me know.”

  “I want to know your thoughts,” Shae said.

  “I feel confused.” I fought tears back. “Like, I want to love Josiah so bad and I want things to be the way they used to be, but he’s not who I fell in love with. He’s arrogant. And the only time I hear from Josiah is when he needs me to do something for him or he wants some becky.”

  “Then maybe they’re right,” Shae said. “Maybe you should walk away.”

  “And let some other chick win. Hell no.”

  “Win what?” Courtney blinked. “He has some money or something? ‘Cause all the college students I know are broke.”

  “She doesn’t want him to break up with her,” Khya said, “and then he ends up in the arms of Shaka-Locka. And the next thing you know they are happily ever after. I feel you on that.”

  “Dead!” Courtney screamed. “Courtney’s dead at the hundred millionth mention of Shaka-Locka!”

  “Shut up.” Khya shot Courtney the evil eye.

  “I say stay on the creep. Josiah doesn’t have to know,” Courtney said.

  “Are you crazy!” Shae snapped. “You don’t encourage her to do anything like that. ‘Cause as soon as we find out he’s creeping on her we would be al
l over him. Seven”—she looked directly at me—“you know you’re my girl, and you know I will miss us all hangin’ tight, but if you feel like you two need a break then you need to be honest with Josiah and step.”

  “I’m not giving him away!” I looked at Shae as if she’d lost her mind.

  “It’s not giving him away! And you just said that you were tired.”

  “I didn’t mean tired as in done. I meant tired as in I want things to go back to the way he used to be.”

  “What if they don’t go back? What if they can’t go back?”

  “They will!”

  “How do you know that?” Shae pressed me.

  “Because, if they don’t then I won’t know what to do.” Tears ran down my cheeks. “Once Josiah and I got together I never imagined being without him.” My words were steadily getting caught in my throat. “What am I supposed to do?”

  Shae and Khya walked over and joined me and Courtney on my bed. We were all huddled together on a twin-sized bed, like a pathetic pack of teenagers and I was the ring leader.

  “Why didn’t you tell me this is how you felt?” Shae asked. “Why did you hold this inside?”

  “I didn’t know what to do and I still don’t.”

  “If it’s making you feel like this, Seven,” Courtney said, “then you have to let it go.”

  “He’s not the worst guy in the world,” I said, hating that I confessed anything to them. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

  “Then what are you saying?” Khya asked.

  “I’m saying that I love Josiah. It’s just not the way it used to be.”

  "Well, you’re a big girl now,” Shae said, “and we’re not in high school, screaming ballin', we’re in college and if you are not happy then you need to move on.”

  “I’m not leaving him.”

  Shae stared at me long and hard and said, “Well, if you want to stay with Josiah you need to tell him how you feel. Then you need to make it a point to stay out of F-150 pickups and leave all the other boys alone. Cheating is not a good look.”

  I hated that she was right. “You’re right.” I wiped my eyes and twisted my lips.

  We all sat in silence and I hated, hated, hated that I’d confessed anything other than that things were perfect to them. The last thing I wanted was for this to be thrown back in my face at a later date. “I’m good though.” I glanced over at the clock. “So listen, it’s time to get ready for class.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Khya asked.

  “Yeah, I’m straight, girl,” I said with a little too much enthusiasm.

  “Okay, ‘cause if you want, I can get some of Josiah’s hair, make a voodoo doll, and the next thing you know he’ll bust out looking like Midget Mac. Ain’t nothing but a word.”

  “Somebody need to call the police on you!”

  “You know what, Courtney …” Khya said as she and Courtney quickly became engulfed in an argument. I left them standing there because I had other things to deal with, like how I just spilled my guts when I should’ve kept my mouth shut.

  I walked into the bathroom and as Khya and Courtney’s exchange of insults lingered behind me, I heard Shae say, “Seven.” She squeezed into the bathroom with me and the space was so tight, that all we could do was face each other’s reflection in the mirror.

  “Shae, I’m okay,” I said, hoping to stop her before she got started.

  “Look, I didn’t come to lecture you, I didn’t. But I know you and I know that you hold a lot of things inside.”

  “I said I’m all right.”

  “By you saying that to me, it says that you’re not.”

  “Shae, look, I’ma big girl and I told Josiah that if he wanted to do other things—see other girls—then I was out.”

  “Why does it have to be on his terms? If you want to be out, check out. Now we’re girls so I’ma keep it real with you. I don’t want to see you become that chick we swore we would never become.”

  “And who is that?”

  “The one that accepts anything. If Josiah is not treating you right, then step.”

  “You really think it’s that simple?”

  “After you realize that your happiness is what matters, then yeah, I think it’s that simple.” And she left me standing there, staring at nothing but my reflection.

  21

  I’m doin’ me …

  And this is what I’ma do ‘til it’s over …

  —DRAKE, “OVER”

  I’d been at war with my thoughts for a week. It was a struggle not to think about the grenades that exploded in my stomach everyday; but I played it off to the best of my ability. I swear, I was tense all the time; and all I really wanted, more than anything, was to get back to being me … and doing me.

  But I couldn’t.

  I was this other chick—some fragile and super-sensitive girl who walked on eggshells around her boyfriend, prayed that she said the right things to him, and hoped that the phony smile she shot everybody was believable.

  That was me: out of my mind.

  I looked over at Shae and Khya and was thankful that the glow of my laptop didn’t wake them; after all I’d been up since three this morning working on Josiah’s paper.

  I really didn’t need to give it to him until tomorrow, but given that I was doing everything I could not to face my problems I found myself with more than enough time to knock this out.

  My aim was to be done and out the door before either Shae or Khya got up, which is exactly why I’d dressed for the day hours ago.

  Oh, wait, let me back up, ‘cause another new thing the reinvented me had been doing, since the confessional with my friends, was avoiding them whenever possible. Especially Shae. I couldn’t take that her looks said more than her mouth did. And I know she thought I was stupid … and maybe I was … but this was my life and it wasn’t a crime to want to keep my man … or was it?

  I typed the closing sentence on Josiah’s paper and saved it on my portable disk drive. Instead of printing it out here, I decided I’d go to the library and do it.

  I closed my computer and just as my feet softly hit the floor this is what rocked the air: “Wasuuuuuup! Big Easy, yeah, baby, it’s Big Country on da scene, coming to you all the way from your Stiles U AM dial, bringing your airwaves coffee to ya, baby! Ya heardz me! Now rise and shine, ‘cause it ain’t beans-and-cornbread time—”

  “It’s time to wake up,” Shae said as she peeled the covers off of her face and stretched.

  All I could do was roll my eyes to the ceiling. So much for my evacuation plan.

  “Hey, Seven.” Shae peeked over at me. “You’re dressed already?” She looked at the clock and then back to me. “It’s seven A.M. Girl, I feel like I haven’t seen you in days.”

  “I know,” I said, purposely keeping it short and curt. I walked over to my desk and packed my backpack.

  “I saw you were up late last night,” she continued.

  "I was.” Another short and curt answer.

  “So what time did you get up and get dressed?”

  “A while ago.” I slipped on my Coach sneakers.

  “Oh … kay.” Shae cleared her throat. “Why were you up so late?”

  “Why are you sweatin’ me with all of these questions?”

  “Sweatin’ you?” Shae said, taken aback. “I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing.”

  “Well, you are,” I said as bitterness settled on my tongue. “So back up.”

  “What did I tell y’all about waking me up like this?!” Khya snapped as she took her pillow and slammed it over her face.

  Shae and I both ignored her. I placed my backpack on my shoulder while Shae sat up on the edge of the bed and said, “So what’s really good with you? Why are you acting like this? Is it about Josiah?”

  “Look, not today, okay?” I said, pissed off. “Now tomorrow might be a better look, but as for right now, I’m not feeling your comments.”

  “You need to check yourself, ‘cause I
didn’t do anything to you, and all that bass in your throat you need to give it to your disrespectful boyfriend!”

  “Whew, that sounded a lil harsh,” Khya said, snatching the pillow from over her face. “Y’all need to chill, we don’t need to be trippin’ early this morning.”

  I ignored Khya, looked at Shae, and said, “Pause.” I gave Shae the warning eye. “Back up, for real, though. ‘Cause, yes, I love my man, but if he was disrespectful to me, which he is not, then I would leave him alone. Puhlease, believe I am not on it like that, okay? So shut it down. And for your information, not that I owe you an explanation, but me and Josiah are fine, so you can return to your lane.”

  “And you need to return to being yourself, forget Josiah, and remember he is not the only boy in the world. Trust.” Shae sucked her teeth. “That’s exactly why, when I saw him the other day, I read him.”

  “Boo’yowl!” Khya said. “Shae was all up in his grill!”

  I stood stunned and not because Shae had cussed him out, but because nobody told me that all of this had gone on around me. The real me was really MIA, fa’sho'.

  “He’s a straight creep,” Shae spat.

  “I don’t need you to fight my battles,” I snapped.

  “Well, you’re not fighting them.”

  “I’ve heard that one before,” Khya said, “ ‘cause that’s the same thing my friend Sharri said to me when I was about to take Jamil back.”

  “Fail.” Shae frowned. “We are not going there again, Khya. It’s not about you and Jamil.”

  “And it’s not about me and Josiah either.” I rolled my eyes.

  “Oh, I believe it is,” Shae insisted, “ ‘cause you know he’s doing his thing.”

  For a moment I could’ve sworn that someone had just sliced my throat. “You need to fall back,” I said, tight-lipped. “And what thing are you talking about? Josiah would never cheat on me.”

  “Would you just face facts? You know he’s capable of cheating, ‘cause he was with Deeyah when he was pushing up on you.”

  “And you say that to say what—?”

  “Well, how you get ‘im is how you—.”