Upgrade U

by Ni-Ni Simone

  “That’s a low blow, Shae,” Khya said.

  My chest felt like a hot and sharp knife had just sliced through it. I hated that I had to serve her. But there was nothing else left to do, other than to run off and cry because what she said was the truth, and I surely wasn’t about to do that. So I had to black.

  “Why are you all up in my neck wit’ it, though? Especially since you will never know what it’s like to walk in my stilettos, okay, so let’s not forget that you were sorting through my leftovers when you chose Big Country.”

  “Oh, you wrong for that, Seven!” Courtney screamed as he pounded on the wall. “You owe her an apology.”

  “Whatever.” I sucked my teeth. “All I’m saying is that your rah-rah about Josiah, Shae, means nothing to me, ‘cause from where I’m standing you’re not in my league.” I flicked my right hand as if I were performing a magic trick. “Now step off.”

  Shae frowned. “Are you serious? The only reason I’m not gon’ put you on a platter and feed you to the wolves is because I know that you’re going through something with Mr. Nothing. But understand this: you aren’t the only one who can straight black. Believe dat. I’ma let you live, but the next time it’s gon’ be a problem.

  “And by the way, maybe when you had the chance you should’ve chosen Melvin, instead of throwing such a treasure away. Then you’d know what it’s like to have a real man and not a real disrespectful jerk. But you didn’t do that, and yes, Big County is now my boyfriend. And he may not be what you want him to be, but he is everything I want and need. So you don’t have to be feelin’ him, ‘cause I am.”

  I clapped my hands sarcastically. “Do you, Shae.” And I walked out the door with tears bursting at the seams of my eyes, dying to slide down my cheeks.

  I did all I could to outrun my thoughts as I raced to the library. Shae and I had never had a fight like that … and I knew I needed my bestie, I just didn’t know how to turn off the defense mode, even with someone who I knew loved me unconditionally.

  I was officially losing it.

  No seriously.

  I am.

  I mean … who was I?

  Who am I?

  Have I really turned into that chick … the dumb chick?

  Was Shae right?

  Or was she buggin’ and just didn’t understand what it was to be in love with a man like Josiah?

  But am I really in love or holding on to what used to be love?

  I’m nuts.

  Tears streamed down my face as I looked around the library, and knew I needed to get out of here. I walked out to the courtyard and found me a secluded corner.

  I needed to talk to somebody. I really did….The problem was I’d just thrown my best friend away. I looked at my cell phone and thought about calling my sister Toi. After all when all else failed there was always family to fall back on, so I took my chances.

  “Hello?”

  “Toi?” I said, confused, and then I realized it was my mother. I rolled my eyes to the ceiling. I was soooo not in the mood for her probing.

  "Seven?” my mother said. “Is that you?”

  I sighed. “Hey, Ma.”

  “Is everything okay?” she yawned.

  “Yeah, it’s okay,” I said with no conviction. I pulled my knees to my chest and wiped the silent tears that slid down my cheeks.

  “Oh, okay, are you sure?”

  “Yeah. I just, ummm, wanted to ask Toi’s opinion on something.”

  “Well, she left for school already and she forgot her phone at home. I saw your number so I answered. She should be home about three.”

  “Oh … kay.”

  “You sound like something’s wrong. You know you can talk to me, I’ll put being your mama aside for about five minutes.”

  I chuckled. “Ma, I’ve heard that a million times and it never works for you.”

  “Okay.” She laughed. “Maybe it doesn’t, but I’m willing to try. And since I’m not there to kiss your boo-boos when you fall down, I can at least listen and see if that will make you feel better.”

  I needed someone to talk to, but my mom …? I sighed; here I was again, walking into the trap of spilling my guts to my mother. I felt like I could hear my sister screaming, DON’T DO IT! But I couldn’t hold this in for another minute. “Me and Shae just had a big argument.”

  “Oh you guys will get through it. When you were little”—my mother laughed—“you fought all the time and the next day you two were back to being best friends.”

  “I’m not so sure, this time. Like this time was different.”

  "Okay, so what’d you two fight about?”

  I swallowed. “Josiah.”

  “Really?” my mother said and I could imagine her brow rising in the air. Knowing my mom, she’d sat up in bed and clicked her reading lamp on. “What about Josiah?”

  “I don’t really know how to explain it.”

  “Just say it.”

  “Well, you know things are different with me and Josiah. And I’m just so confused.”

  “Are they worse than the first time we talked about this?”

  I swallowed. “Yes. He doesn’t answer his phone when I’m around. And when I’m not around I can barely get him on the phone. There’s this girl that keeps lurking everywhere. Josiah’s not interested in anything that I have to do, unless he wants some—” I paused—I’d completely forgot who I was talking to.

  “Are you sleeping with him?” my mother said, shocked. “Let me tell you something, little girl, you’re playing a grown woman’s game, but you can’t take care of no baby and I’m not! And you better be using protection because AIDS is a roaming bullet with no name!”

  “I’m not having any babies! I’m not getting AIDS! And you said you would listen to me!”

  I could hear my mother as she swallowed extremely hard. “You’re right. I said I would listen. But I have to ask you this, why are you holding on to him?”

  “Because I love him!” I snapped. “I’m just confused about it.”

  Surprisingly my mother didn’t address my tone; she simply said, “Love isn’t confusing, it’s quite clear.”

  “Being confused is not illegal.”

  “Are you confused or in denial?”

  “I’m not in denial. Josiah and I love each other.”

  “So then, what’s the problem? Live your life and love your boyfriend.”

  “Ma, you don’t mean that.”

  “No, I don’t, but that’s what you want to hear, and honestly, I’m ready to turn off the listening ear and get to the mama mode. You know what; skip all that, I’ma just get to it. You’re down there in Louisiana playing grown and doing grown-woman things with Josiah, so you need to be able to hold your own. And if you can’t then that’s a clear indication that you don’t need to be sleeping with him.”

  “Ma—”

  “I’m not done! Now I may not have always been perfect and I know that me and your father’s divorce had more of an effect on you than it did your sister or brother, but one thing that I hope and pray you learned from me divorcing him is that you are your own woman, who doesn’t settle for bullcrap! And no matter how much I want to coddle you, and kiss your boo-boos I have to give it to you straight with no chaser.”

  “Ma—”

  “I know you wanted me to listen, and I tried, and what I’m saying to you may not be the most politically correct thing, but it’s the truth. Now, you mean to tell me that as beautiful as you are, as talented, and as much as you have going for yourself, that you’re settling for a relationship that is offering you nothing?”

  “I’m not settling. I love him.”

  “No, you’re in competition with whoever this other little girl is.”

  “No, I’m not!”

  "Yes, you are and I know it, and you know it! Every woman has been there and the next thing you know you start imagining things; and becoming consumed with stuff that doesn’t even exist and meanwhile he’s off living his life.”

  “
But I already told Josiah that if he wanted to do his thing then he could step.”

  “Seven, baby, he’s only nineteen and most nineteen-year-old boys do not announce to their girlfriends that they are ready to move on, they just do it, and it’s up to you to catch on. What you have to do is take back your power and control.”

  “He doesn’t have control over me!”

  “Then let him go, Seven. I told you before that you needed to think about taking a break and now I’m straight-out telling you, you need to step away from this relationship. Do you think that Josiah has missed a meal? Do you think he’s losing sleep? Losing any games? No. You don’t need his permission to leave him. Just do it.”

  “It’s not that easy to leave. I love him.”

  “And that’s all you keep saying, so I’m clear that you love him, but what I’m not clear on is if he loves you. And I’m not saying that Josiah is the worst boy in the world, but I am saying that he is young, and that although he may care about you, it’s obvious that he wants to experience some things without you. Let him. Do you and do you till it’s over. Trust me, it will be okay. Someone else will come along and you will live.”

  My chest felt like it was caving in. I had to get off this phone. I looked at my watch—I didn’t even have time to drop Josiah’s paper off now. I needed to get to class, and from the way this conversation was going, I couldn’t get there quick enough. “Ma, I don’t mean to be rude, but I have to get to class.”

  “No problem. I love you, Seven, and I hope you understand where I was coming from.”

  “It’s cool, Ma, I got you, and I know you love me. I’ll talk to you later.” I couldn’t hang up fast enough.

  22

  I’ve allowed you to make me feel …

  I feel so dumb …

  —ME’SHELL NDEGéOCELLO, “FOOL OF ME”

  I was physically in class, but mentally I was in Josiah’s apartment, trying to convince him why we needed to get our relationship back on track.

  This was sick and I knew it, but I couldn’t help it. And I wished there was a way I could rewind time and erase the pivotal moment when things changed between us.

  “Okay, everyone,” Dr. Banks said as she stood in front of the class. “Your papers on the history of African American fiction are due today. So please pass them forward.”

  Rewind … what did she say? Did she say paper? What paper …? Oh … my … God! I sorted through my backpack, grabbed my class syllabus and it read, History of African American fiction due … twenty percent of your grade.

  Dead. Completely dead, buried, and in hell.

  For the rest of the class I avoided eye contact with Dr. Banks; instead I mentally rehearsed how I could convince her to allow me to hand in my paper late. A million excuses floated through my mind, ranging from a sick grandmother to a dead cat.

  When class ended, I lagged behind the rest of the students and once the professor and I were the only two left in the room I approached her. “Dr. Banks, can I speak to you for a moment?”

  “Yes, of course.” She smiled at me.

  “I, ummm.” I bit the corner of my bottom lip. “I wasn’t able to hand my paper in today.”

  “Really?” She arched her brow. “And why is that?”

  ‘Cause I’ve been doing my boyfriend’s homework. Not to mention that I’ve been going through so much drama it will cause your head to spin.

  “I got mixed up with the date and thought that it was due next week.”

  “Umm hmm.”

  “So I was hoping you would let me hand it in late.”

  Dr. Banks paused. “I don’t accept late work.”

  “Dr. Banks, I really intended to be on time. I’ve just had so much going on that I got confused with the date. Please, let me give it to you next week. I really can’t afford to lose twenty percent off of my grade. I have to keep a certain grade point average to maintain my scholarship.”

  “Miz McKnight,” Dr. Banks said with a slight southern drawl, “you’ve said the operative phrase, ‘you have to maintain.’ Now I don’t mean to be cruel, but I simply can’t allow you to give me a late paper.”

  “No one has to know.”

  “You are an excellent student, very talented, and quite gifted, but if I give you an opportunity to hand in a late paper then I have to offer it to everyone.”

  Tears filled my eyes.

  “I know this may seem harsh, but college is the place where you will learn how important it is to stay focused, stay on track, and hand your papers in on time.”

  “Okay,” I said somberly.

  “Have a good day.” Dr. Banks grabbed her briefcase and walked toward the door; once she reached the threshold she said, “Miz McKnight.”

  God hates me….

  As I walked out of the classroom my heart felt like it was beating in my throat, and by the time I got to Josiah’s apartment I felt like I’d been in a war.

  I stood outside of his door and rapped softly at first, but after a few minutes and no one answered, I rapped harder, and a few minutes after that I rapped harder and laid on the bell.

  The door snatched open and Josiah’s roommate, Devin, stood there wiping his eyes. “Yo, what’s up with you? It’s early as hell.” Devin looked me over. “But you sexy as usual.” He pulled the end of one of my curls.

  Ugg, he was so grimy. I smacked his hand. “I am not trying to wash my hair today, so keep your hands off of me, okay? And besides, don’t you have a class you need to be getting to?” I said.

  “Nah, only freshmen get stuck with early-morning Monday classes.”

  “Whatever,” I said sarcastically, as I pushed my way inside. My eyes scanned the mess of empty pizza boxes, open soda cans, and CD cases all over the living room, and then I looked back at Devin. “Where is Josiah?” I started walking toward Josiah’s room.

  “Yo, wait,” Devin said, catching my attention. “Yo, he umm”—he smirked—“a lil busy.”

  “First of all I know my name is different from most but it’s not ‘Yo.’ And second of all, I’m not in the mood to be playing with you.”

  “Listen, Seven, Josiah is in class, a’ight?”

  “He doesn’t have classes on Monday, so save it.” I placed my hand on Josiah’s doorknob.

  “Trust me, Seven.” He looked me over. “I’m not the one playing with you. If I had you, I wouldn’t have you on rotation; you would always be with me.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” I whipped around toward him. “You know what, just go somewhere and kill yourself.”

  “Damn.” He chuckled in disbelief. “That was cold.”

  “Yeah.” I frowned. “Exactly, I’m cold on you.” My heart thundered as I opened Josiah’s door slowly. I could hear Donell Jones’s “Where I Wanna Be” playing lightly in the background and I could smell perfume in the air as I pushed the door open.

  I stood silent and still for a moment, and then my eyes focused on absolutely nothing. There was nothing to see, other than a few LeBron James posters, an unmade bed, a wall of sneakers stacked neatly in their boxes, and a basketball.

  “I told you he wasn’t here,” Devin said. “You didn’t want to listen.”

  “You told me he was busy.” I sucked my teeth.

  “He is busy. I’m sure wherever he is, he’s doing something.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You are such a hater. I’m not going to even let you get under my skin. Just tell him I’ll be back later after my classes are done.”

  “I’m not his secretary. I don’t deliver messages.” Devin smirked. “Now, unless you’re joining me in the shower, you need to bounce.”

  I flicked my hand in the air. “Whatever.” I walked out the door and slammed it behind me.

  For the rest of the day I couldn’t concentrate. I’d been to all of my classes, and if you asked me what happened in them, all I could have come up with would be a blank stare.

  I must’ve texted Josiah at least a thousand times and in between my schedule I cal
led him a thousand more.

  This was the slowest day on Earth and by the time my classes were over and I returned back to my room it was six in the evening. Shae and Khya were sitting on their beds, watching TV. As soon as I walked in Shae slipped her shoes on and left; shortly after, Khya came and sat Indian style on the foot of my bed. “You know you were wrong,” she said, “and you really hurt Shae’s feelings.”

  “Khya, tell me something I didn’t know. It seems that lately I’m always wrong.”

  “I bet you didn’t know her period is late and she thinks she may be pregnant.”

  “Shae?” I said, completely taken aback. “Are you serious?”

  “Let me tell ya somethin’, yat. I play a lot of games, but a late period ain’t one of ‘em.”

  “Pregnant? Shae? She can’t be pregnant,” I said in disbelief. “Why didn’t she tell me?”

  Khya chuckled. “You’re kidding me right? Seriously, Seven, you have not been yourself. You don’t laugh like you used to, we don’t chill like we did when school first started. It’s like a tornado came through here and stole our clique. Like, we used to catch da wall tough and now, if you’re not snapping our heads off, it’s all about Josiah.”

  “Khya—”

  “Let me finish. Before Hurricane Katrina put me and my family out of the projects and then the city of New Orleans put us out of New Orleans—courtesy of them closing the housing projects—and we ended up in Texas, I never felt close to anybody. I always felt like it was a matter of time before something crazy happened and they would be gone from my life; so I kept my guard up. But when I came here and met you two and we clicked the way we did, I let my guard down, and now it’s like we’re Xscape, you’re sleeping with Jermaine Dupre and our lil group is a mess.”

  What kinda analogy …“Wow, Khya, I didn’t know you felt like that.”

  “Yeah, we all feel like that,” Khya said. “So, anywho, round, I’m not the one to lecture you. I’m just putting it out there to you that you’re not acting like the Seven I know. You have definitely turned into number eight.”

  “You mean negative eight.” Courtney pounded on the wall. “ ‘Cause you have been around here cussin’ er’body out.”