Doing It! - Going Beyond the Sexual Revolution (John Warren Wells on Sexual Behavior Book 13)

by Lawrence Block

  Frank

  Letters of this sort are by no means uncommon. I’ve had quite a few that have said essentially the same thing, the bulk of them from swingers who first discovered the pleasures of sadomasochistic foreplay in a group sex context. It would not be difficult to view the sexual predilection of Frank and his wife as stemming from some neurosis or other, but I question whether such an interpretation is relevant. It seems unarguable that the two of them have a more enjoyable and satisfying sexual relationship since that first night of spanking, and a better and more fulfilling marriage as a result.

  The “added thrill” Frank writes about, the excitement of sharing a sexual practice that is a secret from friends and acquaintances, is a special pleasure of many marriages. I recall a woman in a John O’Hara story who delighted in observing her husband addressing public meetings and thinking how she alone could know the sexual intensity of this respected member of the community. And it is interesting to speculate how many couples at a party will be getting similar thrills, keeping small sexual secrets from one another.

  One of the happier aspects of today’s world is that husbands and wives are less apt to keep their special sexual desires a secret from one another. How much healthier to bring such urges out into the open than to keep them a secret for fear of disgusting one’s partner!

  The new openness concerning group sex has led an increasing number of couples to consider it. It has also engendered some interesting attitudinal changes, to the point where couples who would never specifically consider group sex—i.e., would not answer correspondence ads or be open to direct solicitation—find themselves getting involved in incidents which they would previously have avoided. Consider the two following letters:

  Dear Mr. Wells,

  I read your Three Is Not A Crowd with considerable interest, having become involved in a ménage à trois several months ago.

  Although I am not sure you would call our particular arrangement a ménage à trois as it is not a case of three persons living together. It is simply that the three of us have gotten together a half dozen times for sex.

  Unlike the cases in your book, the participants in this threesome are myself, my wife, and another man. I will call him David. He is recently divorced, and my wife and I had been friendly with him and his wife while they were married. She moved out of our area at the time of the divorce.

  Several months ago, my wife and I were visiting David at his apartment. We had done this often since the divorce, or he would come to our house. On this occasion we all had quite a good deal to drink and stayed up late. I complained about having to drive all the way out to our suburban house and then get up after a few hours’ sleep to drive into the city to work. David suggested we sleep over at his apartment on a convertible sofa in the living room. To make a long story short, we all wound up in his bed. I had realized all along that he was strongly attracted to my wife and she to him. I had even jokingly suggested to her that if she intended to have an affair, she might as well have it with David. It was not said that anything would happen when we went to bed together, and we acted on the pretense that the sofa was uncomfortable, but I’m sure we all knew what was in the cards.

  We got in bed with my wife in the middle and David and I on either side. For quite awhile nothing happened. The room was pitch dark. I turned to kiss my wife and found that David was touching her breasts. Nothing was said by anyone, and David and I began making love to my wife at the same time, kissing her and touching her body.

  I felt keenly excited and also very disturbed at the same time. Not jealous as much as concerned that this would have had effect on our relationship. Perhaps I should say at this point that I had had an affair with David’s wife while they were married, not really an affair but a matter of making love to her on two occasions. Neither David nor my wife knows of this to this day. Of course it is possible that his wife told him but I do not believe this to be the case. After a great deal of foreplay David got on top of my wife and began having intercourse. I held her hand while this was happening then placed her hand on my organ and she fondled me rhythmically while he screwed her. When he finished I mounted her immediately and had intercourse with her myself. Afterwards we all three fell asleep almost immediately.

  In the morning not a word was said until my wife and I had left David’s apartment. We were very nervous with each other until it came out that what worried both of us was the thought that this would ruin our feeling for each other, which certainly was not the case. On the contrary we felt closer with each other than ever, and closer to David. Yet to this day we have never talked about our sexual relationship with David, aside from making joking references to it. When he comes to our house for an evening there is never any sex between us. It is as though our house is a part of our marriage and private for the two of us. But on each of several occasions that we have visited David, we have all gone to bed together. It is always with the lights out and in silence and it is always keenly enjoyable for all of us. We have done most of the variations for three people making love at the same time. I should add that there has been no homosexual behavior between David and myself, no touching each other and no desire for the same.

  My wife has told me she would enjoy a “sandwich,” that is, having one of us take her anally from the rear while the other takes her vaginally from the front. This is something we have not done yet.

  As I said, this is not a ménage à trois, at least I don’t suppose you would call it that. David is not a partner in our marriage. I am my wife’s husband and he is a close friend and no more. As for what will happen in the future, I do not know and cannot imagine. For example if David were to marry again. It is possible there would be some sort of swap arrangement or four in bed, or possibly it would merely be the end of the threesome, or it might go on without his wife knowing about it. If he does not marry again I do not know if this will go on or not, or if it will come far enough into the open for the three of us to discuss it.

  Norman

  Dear Mr. Wells,

  Having read several of your books on sex, I am writing to you for advice. My problem is not very unique. It seems to be a problem of many men these days.

  I am thirty-eight, my wife thirty-six. We have been married for fourteen years and have three children. Well, let’s get to the point, right? The problem is that I want to swing and my wife doesn’t. This is something that has been on my mind for six or seven years, ever since I first began to read books and magazine articles on the subject. After some time I began to discuss the subject with her but she would have no part of it. She said she was not interested at all and could never become interested. On my own I began having some correspondence on the subject but it never came to anything because she would not go along with it, so it was merely something for me to get frustrated about by myself.

  In the back of my mind I always thought that if she would once try it she would be converted, as she is a passionate woman with interest in all the highways and bi-ways of sex. But she would not take the plunge and there was nothing I could do about it. Well, to make a long story short, a year ago we were at a dental supply convention and met another couple. We four hit it off from the start. The last night of the convention we went out on the town, just the four of us, and wound up drinking in their hotel room. I don’t know how it got going but each of the husbands wound up necking the other wife. I was very excited because this was just what I had dreamed of for years and here it was happening. In no time at all he had my wife in bed and was throwing it to her while his wife had my cock out and was frenching me out of my mind. Well, you can just take it from there. We had a regular orgy straight out of the books and the four of us kept switching back and forth like there was no tomorrow.

  And my wife loved every minute of it! She just loved it. Everything that was done. She even went down on the other woman and frenched her, which was something she had never done before and made me wild with excitement to see it. We were there for hours and did everything and
it was dawn by the time we got back to our own room, where we had another intercourse ourselves and went to sleep. Now the thing is, she refuses to have any part of doing it again! This is the part I cannot understand.

  She loved every minute of it but would not do it again. She will not visit the other couple, although they would like to see us again and do not live that far from us. I have exchanged letters with them but have to do this from my office, keeping it a secret from her as she gets furious even to hear their names mentioned. Incidentally they were experienced swingers all along, which I suppose is obvious from what happened but which I did not know at the time.

  I think she would go along with it again if it came up naturally, but maybe not because she has learned by now to guard against it. I knew she would enjoy it if it happened, but what I didn’t know was that even enjoying it she would not let it happen again . . .

  Burt

  A hard one to answer. It would seem that Burt’s wife has discovered two things—first, that she found group sex quite enjoyable, and second, that her negative feelings afterward outweighed the pleasure of the moment. This could well be a rational decision on her part, in which case there’s really no point in trying to change her mind. It’s also possible, though, that the woman is able to enjoy swinging but unable to accept an image of herself as swinger.

  This happens often in many areas of sexual behavior. One can enjoy a certain practice while still feeling that those who engage in the practice are morally reprehensible. It’s possible that this is the case, and it’s further possible that Burt is right, that if his wife could get past her own doubts and fears on the subject, she could not only enjoy swinging but could enjoy being a swinger. But how to bring this about? I know many swingers go through this stage. If any of you have been there, and have any suggestions to offer on the basis of personal experience, let me know about it.

  Remember, this is your column. If you have something to say on subjects that come up here, put it in a letter. And if there’s a topic you’d like to see covered here, let me know about it. Not every letter can be printed, but every letter will be answered.

  • • •

  In Tricks of the Trade, one of the call girls mentioned contemptuously that some of her Johns masturbate before coming to see her, in the hope of lasting longer. This passing comment occasioned the following letter:

  Dear Mr. Wells,

  . . . I immediately wondered if this practice might be of any value to me. By this I mean in my marital relations with my wife, not with prostitutes, as I have never patronized one and do not intend to.

  My problem is premature ejaculation. It is embarrassing to write this, but I cannot last and feel my marriage is threatened. With just a handful of exceptions, I reach a climax seconds after insertion. I cannot help myself but pop off immediately. This is very frustrating to my wife who wants to have me continue intercourse long enough for her to have her orgasm. Although I satisfy her in other ways, orally or manually, and can bring her to orgasm in that fashion, she would like for to have orgasm in the course of intercourse. Also I myself cannot enjoy sex this way, being constantly anxious about “popping off” and also feeling terrible when it happens, which takes all the pleasure out of the act as far as I am concerned.

  I am not impotent, have never had trouble getting an erection. It is keeping one that is the problem.

  I have tried everything. Creams to put on the penis which is supposed to deaden the sensation but which has no visible effect on me whatsoever. Doing multiplication tables in my head which likewise has no effect. Having a few drinks, which either has no effect or I get too drunk and cannot have sex at all. Since reading the part mentioned in your book, I have tried masturbating early in the day and then making love to my wife that night. I have tried this on three occasions but with no effect. Is there a particular time in advance when it should be done? Too far in advance and I suppose it would have no effect, while too close to the time of intercourse and it would probably be impossible to get an erection so soon. I suppose it is a matter of trial and error but wondered if you had any suggestions on the subject.

  Ronald

  No suggestions, because I’m afraid it won’t work. The only reason to masturbate is because it feels good. It won’t have any positive effect on premature ejaculation.

  Let me qualify that slightly. There are times when premature ejaculation comes about because of a long period of sexual deprivation. When a man has been without sex for an extended period of time, it occasionally happens that the pure need for physical release will cause him to ejaculate prematurely. It is thus not uncommon practice for sailors, for example, to masturbate just before leaving their ship to “take some of the pressure off” and make shore leave more enjoyable.

  But Ronald’s problem is chronic premature ejaculation, and that’s something else entirely. The cause is almost invariably psychological. Often premature ejaculation seems to be literally a learned process, as in the case of men whose sole outlet for many years was prostitutes, who encouraged them to reach orgasm as quickly as possible. Men who always masturbated with the aim of ejaculating as speedily as possible are also apt to be premature ejaculators in adult life.

  Anesthetic creams don’t do any good. Neither do the sort of mental gymnastics aimed at taking one’s mind off sex. (One’s sexual performance can hardly be improved by having one’s mind on multiplication tables.)

  While the problem is psychological in origin, this does not mean that one has to spend seven years on an analyst’s couch to get over it. One simply has to unlearn what one has learned.

  Masters and Johnson have found a technique for dealing with premature ejaculation which seems to work in a staggering percentage of cases. Premature ejaculation is the sexual complaint they have found easiest to cure, and the cures are effected quickly and permanently. Happily, the technique is a remarkably simple one; you don’t have to fly to St. Louis and go through their clinic to try it.

  Basically, the treatment requires the husband and wife to engage in prolonged foreplay, during which time the wife caresses her husband’s penis manually, manipulating him in whatever manner he finds most exciting. When he is on the very point of orgasm, she squeezes his penis hard. This retards orgasm. When the critical moment has passed, she excites him all over again, brings him again to the verge, and gives him another squeeze. This goes on and on.

  And it works. One would think it would be possible to perform the same trick unassisted, but, as I understand it, the problem is that one’s instinct for self-preservation prevents one from squeezing the penis hard enough to do the job. I also understand that the process is not as unpleasant as it sounds, but then I don’t see how it could be.

  An infinitely better description of this technique may be found in the Masters and Johnson volume, Human Sexual Inadequacy. There are also a couple of paperbacks on the market which summarize and explain the Masters and Johnson book, which itself is too technical and esoteric for many readers.

  The idea of masturbating to combat premature ejaculation is a fairly widespread part of our sexual folklore. There’s a whole body of sexual myths which I like to collect, in spite of the sad fact that there are people walking around who believe them. A great many revolve around masturbation. That it drives you insane—a notion probably deriving from the fact that many institutionalized lunatics masturbate openly, and that every mentally disturbed person had masturbated during adolescence (but so did the normal ones). That it makes you blind (“Dad, can I just do it until I need glasses?) or gives you pimples. (There’s a school of thought now that it may tend to prevent adolescent skin problems. Interesting how things come full circle.) That it grows hair on your palms—but I don’t suppose anyone ever really believed that one, did they?

  Other notions—that you can’t get pregnant doing it standing up, or dog fashion. That if a brother and sister screw, they invariably produce two-headed babies, and conversely, that all two-headed babies are the offspring of brother-sister
incest. That ingesting semen rots your teeth—thousands of whores still believe this one—or that swallowing it prevents tuberculosis.

  I also like sexual apocrypha, those great anecdotes which always happened to a friend of a friend, and everybody in the country has heard the story, and it never happened. Like the one about the guys who slipped some Spanish Fly in a girl’s coffee, then left her to drive home alone, and she was found the next day dead, impaled on the gearshift lever. Or the one about the mother who caught her teenage daughter screwing and warned her about pregnancy, whereupon the daughter said she couldn’t get pregnant, she was taking the mother’s pills.

  “But I would notice they were missing,” said the mother.

  “But I’ve been replacing them with saccharin,” said the daughter, and lo and behold the mother turned out to be preggers herself. At least a dozen people told me that story a couple of years ago, each swearing it happened to a friend of a friend of a friend. Never happened, naturally.

  I know a few more of those that I’ll slip into future columns from time to time. Got any of your own? Send them along . . .

  • • •

  THINGS WORTH READING:

  . . . Me and the Orgone, Orson Bean’s account of his course of Reichean therapy and how it changed his life, esp. his sex life. Bean is a provocative man with an unorthodox mind, and his story’s a fascinating one . . .

  My own latest, which should be out about now, is called Women Who Swing Both Ways, and if the title doesn’t put you off you’ve got a strong stomach. It’s about female bisexualism, in case you couldn’t guess. I’m sorry about the title, but was pleased with the way the book turned out. Let me know if you like it . . . or if you don’t. And keep groping!