With You Always

by Rena Olsen

  I laughed along with them, though not as enthusiastically. I wasn’t sure what I had said that was quite so funny.

  After he’d calmed down, the Reverend leaned forward again. “What you witnessed, dear Julia, was a group of devoted servants in the very presence of God.”

  A shiver ran up and down my body at his words. Was it true? Had God been there? I sensed that he didn’t mean in the way we talked about God always being with us, but in a real and tangible way.

  “We take the Eucharist to open ourselves up to the Oneness,” the Reverend continued. “Only by accepting the Gift can you truly feel His presence.”

  The chaos I had witnessed came into sharper focus, not as chaos but as a celebration. The laughter, the people falling . . . it made sense in the context of God’s presence.

  “So . . . people were speaking gibberish because they couldn’t speak in His presence?”

  “They were speaking in tongues. Those were other languages.” The Reverend became more animated. “We have witnessed many miracles in the Oneness, Julia. The experience is different for everyone.” He looked at Bryce.

  Bryce turned to me. “For me, it’s usually pure joy and euphoria. Better than I’ve ever known, each time over again. Other times the feeling is so overwhelming that none of the muscles in my body work and I find myself on the floor, still enraptured.” He rubbed a hand through his hair. “It truly defies explanation. I can’t wait for you to experience it for yourself.”

  My eyes widened. “When will that be?”

  “When you’re ready, you will join the Gathering. It will be up to God to decide if you are ready for Oneness with Him. Some experience it every time, some only sporadically. It can depend on your devotion and what is going on in your personal life. When you are at your purest, so will be your connection to God.”

  I nodded, excitement filling me. “I know I’ll be ready with your help.”

  “One more thing, Julia,” the Reverend said, and there was warning in his voice. “You must not speak of what goes on during the Gathering with anyone. Not your family, not your friends. You may speak with Bryce about it when the two of you are alone, or in your counseling sessions, but that’s it. It’s a very intimate experience that not all are ready to experience or worthy of experiencing.”

  “How do you know who is worthy?” I asked.

  “God tells me,” the Reverend replied, as if it were the most obvious answer in the world. And I suppose, to him, it was. For me, it would still take time to understand all of this, but the secrecy of it all added to the excitement.

  We left soon after, and while I could tell Bryce wanted to talk more, I wasn’t quite ready. I wanted to go home and bask in what I had learned and seen. I also wanted to look through my Bible to find the verses the Reverend had spoken of today. This week marked the beginning of a new path for me, even brighter than the one I had been on before. I couldn’t wait to see what came next.

  Chapter 15

  Everyone was just as excited as I’d expected at work the following day. Elaine crowed with joy and Micah’s face took on a pinched look when she caught sight of my ring.

  “So how’d he do it?” Micah asked, trying to maintain a casual tone, but failing.

  “On a yacht,” I said. “After a moonlit cruise. And then our family and friends were waiting back onshore to celebrate with us.” I sighed. “It was pretty perfect.”

  The women gathered around sighed with me, either remembering their own proposals or imagining what it would be like. Before too long, they had to disperse to do actual work.

  Elaine called me into her office that afternoon and congratulated me again. “I’d hoped what I wanted to say next would be the most exciting thing to happen this week, but I’m afraid it may take second place,” she said, smiling. “A new project coordinator position has opened, and I’d like to offer it to you.”

  My eyes widened and my heart leapt as I sent a prayer of thanks up. “Elaine, I—”

  She held up a hand. “It comes with that office I know you’ve been eyeing, but also with more hours. There will be more overnight trips and weekend obligations.” A pause. “The position requires many of the classes you’re signed up for, so you’ll need to make sure to follow through on those. I got the board to make an exception to allow me to offer you the position now. We couldn’t wait until you’d finished, and I didn’t want you to miss this opportunity.”

  “I won’t let you down, Elaine,” I said, even as echoes of my conversation with the Reverend reverberated through my head. I could do this. I could plan for a wedding and grow deeper in my faith while taking a new position and attending classes. I wouldn’t have much time for myself, but it would be worth it in the end. Besides, I knew that this was what God wanted. He wouldn’t have opened all these doors if that wasn’t the case.

  “It’s all about balance, Julia,” Elaine said, as if she could read my mind. “You’ve shown me over the past few months that you can handle this. I have every confidence in you.” She gave me a smile before dismissing me.

  I couldn’t wait to tell Bryce, but I decided I wanted to do it in person instead of over the phone.

  Dinner tonight? I sent a quick text. His response was almost immediate.

  Your place or ours?

  Pleasure sliced through me. Our place. That beautiful house that would be mine, too. Ours. Be there by 7.

  See you then!

  I put my phone away and started with the task of cleaning out my desk. My new office was waiting for me, and I couldn’t wait to move in.

  * * *

  —

  I was unloading the Chinese takeout onto the dining room table when the back door clicked open and Bryce walked in. I stopped what I was doing and ran to him, throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him enthusiastically.

  “Whoa!” he said, dropping his keys and briefcase to wrap his arms around my waist. “I could get used to this sort of greeting!”

  I laughed. “I just had a really good day. And I missed you.”

  He pulled me close. “I missed you, too.” And then we didn’t talk for several minutes. Finally, I pulled away.

  “Our food is getting cold.”

  Bryce sniffed the air. “What’d you make?”

  “Oh, I had to stay late today, so I didn’t get a chance to stop by the grocery store. I wanted to make chicken, but I picked up Chinese instead.” As I’d hoped, the kitchen in this house had inspired me to learn more about cooking. I had been trying all sorts of new recipes, and found that I was actually a pretty decent cook when I tried.

  “Ah,” Bryce said, and I sensed disappointment in his voice.

  “I’ll make chicken later this week,” I promised. “I just wanted to be sure you’d be able to eat right when you got home instead of having to wait for me to cook.”

  “That’s very sweet of you, Julia,” Bryce said. “But I would have waited. Besides”—he winked—“we could have passed the cooking time somehow.”

  “Ha ha, very funny,” I said, extricating myself from his arms. “We’re not married yet, buddy.” I dished out the food onto plates Bryce had brought from his apartment. I made a mental note to talk about going to register for gifts, and got excited flutters thinking about building a life with this man. A little thing like dinnerware could get me going again, and while I was tempted to mention it so we could be giddy together, I decided to share my news with him instead.

  “I had a very interesting day today,” I said, looking up at Bryce after we said our prayer. “Of course everyone was very excited about the engagement.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Even Micah?”

  I laughed. “She at least pretended to be.”

  “I wouldn’t expect anything less,” he said, and we shared an eye roll.

  “Anyway, this afternoon Elaine called me into her office, and you’ll never guess wh
at she said.”

  Bryce put a finger to his chin as if considering what his guess should be. “She wants to be a bridesmaid?”

  The mental image this elicited almost caused me to choke on the bite I’d just taken. “No! Can you imagine?”

  He pretended to think about it. “Well, you’ll have to pick your dresses first, then I can give you a real answer.”

  “Bryce!” He was in a silly mood, and I was glad. He would be so excited. “No! She wanted to offer me a promotion! It comes with an office and everything. Of course, I have to take those classes she had me sign up for, but I was going to do that anyway. But it’s everything I’ve worked for, and I couldn’t have done it without your support!”

  As I babbled, I realized that Bryce had not really reacted when I shared the news. A slight pause in the motion of bringing his fork to his mouth, but otherwise he continued eating, the movement almost mechanical.

  “Bryce?”

  He looked up at me. “That’s great, Julia. I’m glad she recognizes your talent. I always knew she would.” A pause. “I was under the impression that you’d spoken with the Reverend yesterday before the Gathering about your work.”

  “Yes,” I said slowly. “He said that I would have to think about my job carefully and make sure it doesn’t become an idol that takes away from the church or my personal life.”

  “And what do you think will happen once you’re taking classes and working a more demanding job?” His tone was conversational, but I bristled at the words. I took a deep breath to calm my anger, reminding myself that Bryce always had my best interests at heart. Like the Reverend, he was only concerned about how I would deal with everything. Still, it stung, and my throat tightened. I took a deep breath, attempting to steady myself.

  “I can handle it, Bryce. It will be crazy for a while, sure, but it’ll be worth it in the end.” My voice cracked on the last word as I worked to hold back tears. I’d been sure he would be just as excited for me as I had been when Elaine offered me the position, but his reaction was nothing like I’d expected. It almost seemed as if he wanted me to turn the job down, stay an assistant.

  “I know you’re capable, Julia, but look at tonight. You aren’t even working this job yet and you had to stay too late to cook a dinner for us.”

  “I’ll do a better job of planning ahead. We can take turns cooking. I can cook on the weekends.” Except when I’m working, I didn’t add.

  “Weekends that should be devoted to the church! Especially with the extra counseling sessions and meetings we’re going to be doing in preparation for our marriage. Our marriage, Julia. I can’t be the only one in this.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Isn’t it? Everything we do right now is under scrutiny. You were just invited to the Gathering, but if the Reverend senses your devotion waning, he could put an end to all of this.”

  My mouth dropped open. “And you would allow that to happen?” Stacy’s face flashed through my mind. He had allowed it to happen before. Why did I think he wouldn’t let it happen again?

  “My first priority is to the church.” Bryce’s voice was calm but full of conviction. “You knew that soon after we started dating, and you certainly knew it when you agreed to marry me. If God tells the Reverend that you aren’t devoted to Him and to our mission, he will have every right to demand that our engagement come to an end.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was practically an ultimatum, except played off as someone else’s decision. Tears pricked my eyes and I couldn’t hold them back any longer. “All I wanted tonight was to hear that you were proud of me and that we’d make it work. This is my dream, Bryce, and you know it. I can’t believe you’d treat it like this.” With that, I stood and marched out of the room.

  “Julia!” Bryce called after me, but I ignored him. We’d never fought like this, but he’d never shown such disregard for my dreams before. I understood that the church had to be a priority, but many of the parishioners were able to be devoted and also successful in their careers. Look at Bryce, the hypocrite. He was extremely successful, but he worked long hours. How was he any more devoted than I was? I walked out the front door and stood on the porch, looking at the lights from the neighboring houses twinkling in the distance. We were so very isolated here. I wanted to leave, but I’d left my things inside. At some point I’d have to swallow my pride and go back in, but I wasn’t ready yet.

  The door opened behind me and light spilled from the house before being snuffed out as the door swung back into place. I didn’t turn around as footsteps approached, and I didn’t move when Bryce’s arms came around me from behind.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered in my ear, his lips close enough that his breath disturbed my hair and sent chills down my body. “I’m so sorry, Julia. I’m so proud of you, and you can do anything you put your mind to. I should have celebrated with you. You’re right. We can figure out the rest later. For now, let’s just go back in and toast to the fact that Elaine recognized what a treasure she has. It’s something I need to remember as well.”

  Tears continued to slip down my cheeks as I turned to face him. His eyes were distressed as he used the pads of his thumbs to wipe them away.

  “I’m sorry,” he said again.

  I nodded. “I know. Let’s go back inside.”

  We went back in and finished our meal, but though we both pasted on smiles and forced laughter, the tone of the evening had changed. I knew it wasn’t the end of the conversation, and I also knew I needed to figure out what sacrifices I was willing to make for Bryce and for the church. I knew what the answer should be, but I didn’t know if I had the strength to face it yet.

  Her body alternates between shivering and feeling very, very warm. As if now that it’s free, it can’t decide how to regulate itself. Even her basic biological functions have fallen into order, following his instructions to a fault for fear of retribution. There is almost no temperature difference between the water and the air of the bathroom, no longer steamy, but still damp.

  A headache is edging in, creeping along the corners of her skull, sending whispers of pain from the base of her neck to the space behind her eyes. Her thoughts become fuzzy, and she almost forgets what she is waiting for. Instead, she wonders how life would have been different, had she not lost her report to the wind that day. He would have kept on walking, she would have kept on reading, and there would have been little chance of their ever meeting.

  Chapter 16

  “It was awful, Van,” I said into the phone the next day. I’d left work a little early in order to meet Nancy and my mother to do some preliminary dress shopping. Nancy insisted that we needed to start right away. It already felt like my mom and I were just along for the ride. “I’ve never seen him that way, like I’d failed him by doing well at my job. I’m so confused.”

  “That is really strange,” Van said. “I always thought he was really supportive of you moving up in the ranks. What changed?”

  I sighed. “I don’t know. We got engaged? I had a chat with the Reverend about what it means to be a good wife?”

  “Wait, what?”

  “Oh, I didn’t tell you about that?” I laughed, but it was humorless. I couldn’t talk to Van about the Gathering, but I could talk about being pulled up onto the stage during the service on Sunday. Hundreds of people saw that happen. Quickly I explained the situation and what the Reverend had said, and gave a short version of our conversation after the service. “I mean, I don’t think he was wrong about what we talked about, but . . .”

  “But nothing,” Van said. “That is some weird shit.”

  I was glad I hadn’t told her about the Gathering, even if I had been allowed.

  “You’ve been to my church, right?” Van said. When I responded that I had, she continued, “We’ve talked about those verses and, girl, I think he interprets them very differently. It’s about mutu
al respect, not about the wife always obeying and giving up everything for her husband. The husband is supposed to sacrifice for his wife, too.”

  My defenses leapt into action. “I don’t think he was saying that the husband shouldn’t sacrifice anything. I think his point was that I have a lot to learn about sacrifice and balancing my church life with my non-church life. He wanted to make sure that I didn’t become so engrossed in one to the detriment of the other.”

  Van was quiet for a moment. “Sounds like they only have a problem if the church part suffers. Not if your job, your passion, your dream suffers.”

  “I don’t think that’s true, either. Bryce apologized for his reaction.”

  “But you said you think it’ll come up again.”

  I was regretting telling her anything now. I wanted to talk through it with her, but when she gave voice to the concerns bouncing around in my own head, I found myself defending Bryce and the Reverend’s positions. Maybe they had a point after all. Or maybe I wanted Van to continue to point out to me that I was getting the short end of the stick. My mind went to the Gathering again. If I could truly be One with God, if I could hear Him and commune with Him, wouldn’t it be worth the sacrifice? Wasn’t that what they were trying to help me understand, trying to get me to see? If I let go of my own dreams, and let God fully take control, there would be no telling what my life would bring. It was terrifying and exciting. Really, Bryce and the Reverend were trying to prepare me for a better life, one too amazing for me to dream for myself.

  “I gotta go, Van,” I said. “I’m meeting Mom and Nancy in twenty minutes. Thanks for listening.”

  “Jules . . .”

  “I’ll talk to you later!” I hung up before she could respond again. It was rude, but I felt a certain clarity from our conversation, though not in the direction I’d expected. Maybe I was starting to hear the voice of God after all.