With You Always

by Rena Olsen

  * * *

  —

  Thursday was my first individual counseling session at the church. My counselor’s name was Susie, and she was spunky and fun. She wore a denim skirt, and told me right away that she pretty much exclusively wore skirts because it’s what her husband liked, but that she ended up really liking them, too. “It’s freeing,” she said. “Lots of movement and air circulation, plus there are so many cute ones out there. I know some women feel empowered by pants, but I feel most like myself in a skirt.”

  I didn’t think she was trying to convert me to skirts, but I shifted in my seat, smoothing my dress pants self-consciously. “Does your husband have a say in everything you wear?” I asked.

  She thought for a moment. She wasn’t offended by my questions, and rather than a typical therapy session, this had run more like a conversation, with both of us contributing equally. This fact alone had reduced my anxiety by a thousand percent. I was sure these sessions would be all about exploring my childhood and seeing if I was really cut out to be a wife, but so far we’d mostly spent time getting to know each other, and Susie had talked a lot about what being a wife of a devoted church member was like. She, too, hadn’t been part of a church before meeting her husband. Now she regularly attended the Gathering and achieved Oneness almost every time.

  “I guess in many ways he does,” she said in answer to my question. “After honoring God, the most important thing to me is honoring my husband, so I always keep that in mind when choosing clothes to buy and wear. And if he has an opinion, I take it very seriously. I got some yoga pants to wear just around the house, and he came to me and very gently pointed out how tempting it was for me to wear them. If neighbors saw or a deliveryman came to the door, I would be responsible for that temptation. And even for him, when he needed to be focused on other things, it was very distracting for me to be wearing them. So now they only come out on special occasions.” She winked, and my face heated. I knew we’d have to talk about sex eventually, but as comfortable as I was with Susie in this first conversation, I wasn’t ready to go there yet. Besides, I’d rather talk to Kate or Van about that part of marriage.

  My heart twinged when I thought of Kate. It hadn’t even been a week, but her silence seemed louder this time than it ever had. I’d looked at bridesmaid dresses with Mom and Nancy the other night, and Mom evaded the question when I asked if she thought Kate would agree to be my matron of honor.

  It had always been assumed she would stand with me on my wedding day, but after our fight, I wasn’t sure anymore.

  “Give her some time,” Mom had said. “She’ll come around. Kate is Kate. You know how she gets.”

  I did know how she got, which was why I was worried. No one I knew could hold a grudge like Kate. We’d never had a fight this huge. Apparently I was breaking a lot of records this week. Biggest fight with Kate, first real fight with Bryce.

  “Where’d you go?” Susie asked, and I blinked at her, startled from my thoughts. “I think I lost you for a few minutes.”

  I sighed. “Sorry. I was thinking about a couple things that happened this week. But you were talking about yoga pants.”

  She leaned forward, suddenly serious. “I’m done talking about yoga pants. Let’s talk about what’s on your mind.” And just like that we slipped into our roles. She was still easy to talk to, but instead of interjecting with her own stories, as she had earlier, she simply listened and nodded and made the appropriate noises. When I’d finished, she pursed her lips.

  “Family can be hard,” she said. “Especially when they see you moving in a direction they’re not willing to follow. It seems to me that Kate is jealous of you.”

  “That’s what I thought! Bryce is so great compared to Eddie.”

  “Not just in that,” Susie said, “though I agree with you. She’s also seeing you move toward this faith, move closer to God. You’ll often find this with your non-believing or other-believing friends and family. They see the changes in you, and they fight to keep you down when you’re meant to rise.”

  “You think Kate wants to keep me from God?”

  Susie shrugged. “I don’t know Kate, but I’ve seen this before. You have something that she can’t attain, so she’ll do whatever she can to sow seeds of doubt. She’s not the only one. Your friend Savannah seems skeptical of the changes in you as well.”

  I’d barely mentioned Van. “What do you mean? Van is a regular church attender.”

  Susie’s words were gentle, but firm. “Not all churches are created equal, Julia. You’ve seen the power here. Anything else . . . well, those from other churches would also seek to dilute the power of the message you receive here. It’s terrifying to them because they don’t understand it. I saw you at the Gathering on Sunday. You were suitably anxious, but also intrigued. I jumped at the chance to counsel you because I know you were meant for this, meant for us, meant to be truly One with God. And part of that is surrounding yourself with the right people and learning how to be a true and righteous member of the church, and a virtuous wife to Bryce.”

  When she said those things, they seemed obvious. I’d been attributing so many of the good things in my life to the church, so it made sense that Kate would be jealous of that. I’d focused only on Bryce, but my entire way of looking at the world had shifted. I had joy that she couldn’t comprehend. I’d wanted to share it with her, but maybe Susie was right. Maybe it was better to surround myself with those who understood it, rather than be in anguish over those who never could.

  “Aren’t . . . aren’t we called to bring others to God as well? Be disciples?”

  “Yes.” Susie nodded. “But there’s also a time to let go and trust in God. There’s nothing He can’t do, but sometimes He chooses not to move in someone’s life. You see how small the Gathering is compared to the size of the church. Only so many can be Chosen.”

  Pride surged through me to be one of the Chosen. “What makes us different?” I asked, placing myself firmly in the Chosen group for the first time.

  “There are rewards for all who believe,” Susie said. “But for those who are Chosen, the rewards are beyond our imagining. No one who believes will be forgotten, but those who have been One with God will be One forever, ecstasy in paradise beyond our wildest dreams.” A rapturous look took over Susie’s face, and I knew she was imagining it. “No fear, no death, no pain . . . Think of it, Julia. How could you turn that promise down for anything here on earth?”

  She was right. I couldn’t imagine turning it down. Not for Kate. Not for Van. Maybe not even for Bryce.

  * * *

  —

  Bryce had driven me to the church and was waiting when I emerged from my session with Susie. I felt like we’d covered so little of what we needed to get to, but at the same time I’d learned so much. “I think these counseling sessions are going to be incredible,” I said. “Susie is great, and she really helps me to put things in perspective.”

  “I’m so glad,” Bryce said, taking my hand and leading me to the parking lot.

  “Did you stop by to see the Reverend?” I asked.

  “I did.” Bryce looked troubled.

  “Everything okay?”

  He shook his head. “Not really. A former member of the congregation is suing him.”

  I gasped. “What? Over what?”

  “I don’t have all the details. The worst part is that he was part of the Gathering. The Reverend is worried that details of the Gathering will be made public, and that God will decide to remove Himself. That means no more Oneness.”

  “That’s awful,” I said, a sinking feeling in my stomach. “I thought everyone went through rigorous screening before being invited in.”

  “The Devil is clever, Julia,” Bryce said, opening the car door for me. He rounded the hood and slid in behind the wheel. “Even the Reverend has been fooled from time to time.” He paused as he starte
d the car and made his way out of the parking lot. “I do remember he was hesitant about this member. He was a bit arrogant, and then upset when he couldn’t achieve Oneness. He left, and we had to ask the counselor who approved him to leave as well. We’d all been fooled, but the counselor was supposed to be our safeguard.”

  I couldn’t imagine experiencing that and then being asked to leave. The guilt that poor counselor must have felt. I shook my head, sadness filling me for no reason. If I failed at achieving Oneness, did that mean Susie would risk being kicked out as well?

  “This is why it’s important to surround yourself with people who understand you, Julia. And for your environment to be conducive to your faith. That’s why I had concerns about your job.” He raised a hand when I opened my mouth to argue. “I don’t want to get into it tonight. I’m still proud of your accomplishments, but I want you to understand where my hesitancy lies.”

  I nodded. I did understand that it came from a place of caring and concern. I also couldn’t ignore the fact that he was giving me a very similar message to the one I had received from Susie tonight. Again, I wondered if I was becoming more sensitive to the voice and will of God. From what I’d learned, it tended to come through other people first. I definitely needed to pay attention.

  Bryce walked me to my door and kissed me goodnight. “I’ll pick you up from work tomorrow for our dinner with our mentor couple.” Despite the gloomy news from earlier, excitement sparked in his eyes now. “Maybe we’ll get a glimpse of how we’ll be in twenty years.”

  I kissed him once more before unlocking my door. “I’ll count the minutes,” I said before slipping inside, already thinking about what skirt I would wear to work tomorrow.

  Chapter 17

  I glanced at the user manual again, trying to figure out how to fix a glitch in the new Sibyl program I was piloting for the firm. I’d gotten the go-ahead to purchase the full system, but it was proving to be more complicated than the sample I’d tested had been.

  Error OP99—Talk to network administrator

  “Ugh.” I slammed my hand onto the thick pages, rather than shoving my computer monitor off my desk like I wanted. The impact still unsettled a carefully balanced stack of papers on my desk, sending the entire pile crashing to the floor.

  I slapped a hand over my mouth to prevent the curse words that bubbled up inside of me, and sent up a small prayer for peace as I stared at the papers, which I had just organized before taking on Sibyl again.

  “You okay?” Micah asked, and I glanced to where she sat, not far outside my office door, a look of amusement playing on her face. She’d moved to my old desk, which was between Elaine’s office and mine, to be available to both of us. To say she wasn’t happy about the arrangement would be an understatement, though right now she looked pretty pleased.

  “I’m fine,” I said, kneeling on the floor to gather the papers. I wouldn’t have time to reorganize. I needed to leave in a few minutes to meet Nancy and my mom for my dress fitting. I’d hoped Elaine would keep her regular hair appointment and leave before me so she wouldn’t see me ducking out early again, but the last time I’d peeked she still sat in her office, frowning at her computer as she typed away.

  Micah arched a brow. “If this is you okay, I’d hate to see you on a bad day.”

  “Shut up, Micah,” I mumbled, low enough that she couldn’t hear me. Immediately I felt guilty. Micah wasn’t my favorite person, but snapping at her was beneath me.

  “What was that?” she asked, eyes narrowed now.

  “Nothing,” I said. “Just trying to get this stuff back in order.”

  My computer beeped before she could respond, and I gathered all the papers in my arms and dumped them on my desk before checking my messages.

  Come see me.

  From Elaine. No clues about the reason, but my heart thumped rapidly anyway. Gone were the days when I looked forward to my summonses into Elaine’s office, or her visits to mine. When I was excited about the projects I’d shown her, or the new clients she wanted to talk to me about.

  There hadn’t been any new clients for me in weeks.

  I tapped tentatively on the door to Elaine’s office before entering. She looked up at me and my stomach dropped at her grim expression. “Have a seat, Julia,” she said. “I’m just finishing up this e-mail.”

  Closing the door to avoid having an audience for whatever came next, I sat in the chair nearest the exit, better for a quick escape if needed.

  Elaine tapped a few more keys and then turned to me. “There’s a potential new client with a base in Omaha. I need someone to go out there and spend a few days learning about the business and convincing them to sign with us.” She pulled out a folder. “You’ll leave early Sunday morning and return Thursday. I’m sending Jeff with you.”

  This was a test, one that I knew I was going to fail. Elaine had mentioned the possibility of more travel, but so far it had only taken me a couple of hours away, and never overnight. Bryce would never go for it, not to mention going with another man. Also, we had church on Sunday and appointments every night next week.

  “Elaine, thank you so much for this opportunity—”

  “You’re welcome,” she said, her eyes holding a warning about continuing with what I was going to say next. I ignored it despite the hammering of my heart.

  “But I can’t go to Omaha.”

  Elaine sighed the sigh of the truly weary, a long-suffering boss who can’t seem to keep her star employee in line. I hated disappointing her. “And what is the excuse this time?”

  Irritation fluttered through me, but I tamped it down, praying for the right words to say to preserve my pride and my job. “It’s just really short notice,” I said. “I have obligations with my fiancé for our wedding and for the church.”

  “You knew what this position would entail before you accepted the promotion, did you not?” Elaine asked, rubbing a hand over her forehead and closing her eyes. “Travel, late nights, long hours. You said you were on board.”

  “I was,” I said. “I am. It’s just a really busy time right now with the wedding planning and other church stuff.”

  “I don’t want to hear about your church stuff right now, Julia. I want to hear about why you are failing to uphold your end of the deal on this promotion. Your grades in your marketing classes are abysmal, and I know you’re an intelligent woman. You have refused to stay late most of the nights I’ve requested it due to ‘obligations.’ I understand this is a busy time, but I need to know that you understand that this is still a business, that this is still your job, and I need you to start acting like the young woman I hired. I took a chance offering you this position, and I don’t want to regret it. I still have high hopes for you, Julia. Don’t let my faith in you be misplaced.”

  It was like being punched in the gut. I almost doubled over from the pain and shock of her words, though they weren’t totally unexpected, and weren’t at all unfair. I deserved every one of them. I was failing. Failing at classes, failing at almost every aspect of this job. My eyes stung as tears threatened to fall, and I blinked them back.

  “I’m sorry, Elaine,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. I wasn’t even sure she could hear me, but she inclined her head as if I should continue. “I know I haven’t been as present as I should have been lately. My focus has been split, and that’s not fair to you or to the company.”

  “Thank you for that apology, Julia, but I need more from you than that. I need your word that you’re going to step things up, catch up in your classes, be present when you’re here in the office, stay late if necessary. And I need you to go to Omaha.”

  Taking a deep breath, I looked at my hands. “I will, I promise. I’ll do better. I’ll study harder and my focus here will be single-minded. But, Elaine,” I said, looking up at her, “I can’t go to Omaha. And I can’t let my job completely take over my time, especially when I�
��m just starting a life with my fiancé.”

  Elaine’s face was a road map of lines, though she was not an old woman. Her face didn’t tell her age, but rather her dedication to her job, and her willingness to put it above everything else. Every one of those hard-won lines was etched with disappointment at my words. But I couldn’t be Elaine. I could learn from her, I could emulate her in many ways, but ultimately I knew that the major difference between the two of us was that this job was her life, while the job was only a portion of mine.

  “I see,” she said finally, looking away from me and back to her computer screen. “Perhaps Micah would like to take your place, try her hand at wooing a client.”

  A sour taste filled my mouth. Elaine knew which buttons to push. But I wouldn’t let her see that she got to me. “I think she’d appreciate the opportunity,” I said. I looked at my watch. “I need to get going for a dress fitting. I’ll be in early tomorrow to make up the time.”

  Elaine didn’t say another word as I left her office, though as I passed by her window on my way out minutes later I could feel her eyes on me, a weight I carried onto the elevator and all the way to the dress shop.

  * * *

  —

  “I’m sorry,” I said, rushing into the counseling room at the church, breathless from my flight from the parking lot. “Things ran late with Nancy,” I explained to Bryce, who was sitting across from the Reverend.

  Bryce waved a hand. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Nancy called and said you left your phone with her. She sounded excited about the fitting.”

  Gratefulness filled me that Nancy had thought to call. She’d been holding all of my things and taking pictures on my phone of the final alterations for my wedding dress, but when I’d seen the time, I’d rushed out without grabbing the phone from her. Good thing she lived nearby.

  I took my seat on the couch next to Bryce and gave him a small peck on the cheek. “It went great. I’m so excited, but I haven’t had time to process. I really am sorry about being late.”