Of Love & Regret

by S. H. Kolee

  I was shocked by his revelation. I thought Cassie and I told each other everything, but she had never once mentioned to me that Logan had tried to break up with her.

  “I-I never knew,” I faltered. “She never told me about that.”

  “I’m not surprised. She wanted everyone to think we had the perfect relationship, but I think we just got used to the idea of being together.” Logan reached up and cupped my cheek, gently brushing it with his thumb. “But with you, everything seems right. I wake up thinking about you, wondering if I’ll get to see you. Throughout the day, I wonder what you’re doing and whether you’re thinking about me. You’re the last thought in my mind before I fall asleep. I know I said that kiss was a mistake, but it was the first right thing I’ve done in this whole mess. I—“ Logan swallowed hard, his blue eyes dark with emotion. “I’m falling in love with you. Actually, I think I’ve already fallen.”

  My lips trembled, and I pressed them together, trying to get my chaotic emotions under control. His gaze dropped to my mouth, and he leaned in closer. Despite knowing that my feelings for him ran much deeper than I wanted to admit, I couldn’t forget about Cassie this time.

  “We can’t do this,” I whispered, my voice shaking. “It’s not fair to Cassie. She loves you. Even if you don’t feel the same way about her, she’ll be devastated if you leave her. I can’t be a part of that. I can’t hurt her like that.”

  “Just tell me you don’t feel the same way about me. Then I’ll leave you alone. Either way, things are over between me and Cassie.” Logan’s voice was low, and his thumb dropped to brush against my lower lip, making it almost impossible for me to breathe.

  “I can’t,” I finally admitted, my voice trembling in a mixture of fear and anticipation. “I can’t tell you that I don’t feel the same way about you, because I do.”

  That was the only thing Logan needed to hear, and the moment his lips touched mine, I was lost. I leaned up as our kiss deepened, wrapping my arms around his neck. He wasted no time in taking advantage of my surrender and splayed his hands on the small of my back, pushing my body against his. I gasped at the thrill of pleasure that went through me when I felt his body pressed against mine, and Logan took the opportunity to thrust his tongue into my mouth.

  Our first kiss had been sweet. This kiss had all the pent-up desire that had been building while we had been apart, and the intensity of it quickly spiraled out of control. I had no idea how we ended up on my bed; all I knew was that the weight of Logan’s hard body pressing me into the mattress awakened a ravenous hunger.

  Clothes were quickly shed, and then I was aware of nothing but Logan’s mouth and hands exploring my body, setting me on fire. There was no thought behind our actions, only primal desire.

  I let out an inarticulate cry when he captured my aroused nipple in his mouth, suckling hard and making the ache between my legs almost unbearable. I was torn between shyness and desire when his mouth made its way lower and his hands pulled my thighs apart. I had only had sex with one other person; a senior I had dated for a few months last year, but that relationship had fizzled out before it had even started. We had sex a few times, and while it was passably pleasurable, it had never once felt like this. And he had never used his mouth on me the way Logan obviously planned to use his.

  My thighs instinctively closed and he looked up at me. I was amazed by the hungry expression on his face that was taut with desire.

  “You don’t want me to?” he asked, his voice thick and guttural.

  “I…” I trailed off, feeling embarrassed by my inexperience and naïveté. “I’ve just never had anyone do that before.”

  I wasn’t sure, but it seemed like a look of satisfaction crossed Logan’s face. “Let me make you feel good. Trust me, this is as much for me as it is for you. I want to taste you.”

  My body shuddered in anticipation and pure lust by his words. He gently but firmly pulled my thighs apart again and this time the thought of closing myself to him never crossed my mind.

  He kept his eyes on mine as he lowered his head, but my eyes fluttered closed when I felt the warmth of his raspy tongue against my aching wetness. A sound that was more animal than human escaped me, and my head tilted back, my breathing growing erratic and shallow as he continued to use his tongue to drive me crazy. I was aware of nothing but the sensations coursing through me and the sound of Logan worshipping me with his mouth.

  I panted as my body writhed, almost unable to handle the unbearable pleasure. He had to anchor me to the bed, otherwise I probably would have thrown myself off with the jerky movements my hips were making. I had never climaxed during sex before, but I had orgasmed plenty of times on my own. The tension that was building in me couldn’t compare to what I had felt by my own hands. Just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, Logan thrust a finger inside me as he latched onto my swollen bud, sucking and laving it with his tongue. When he pushed a second finger inside me, I came undone.

  I cried out as I climaxed in undulating waves, my body spasming uncontrollably as I was lost in a sea of pure sensation. Afterwards, my body felt boneless, and I was barely conscious as the haze of desire cleared. I heard Logan say something to me, but I couldn’t register what the words meant because I was in such a daze. When he moved up my body to kiss me, he repeated it.

  “I love you, Maddie.”

  Tears welled up in my eyes as my heart almost exploded. I would never forget the way Logan looked at me in that moment. His beautiful face—the face that made girls crane their necks to get a good look at him when he passed—had such an expression of heartfelt vulnerability that I felt shattered. I said to him the only thing that I knew was true. What I had known for months but had been too scared to admit, even to myself.

  “I love you, too, Logan.”

  I thought nothing could feel as intense as what I had just experienced, but when he plunged inside me as we stared into each other’s eyes, I knew that no one would ever compare to this man above me, loving me as much as I loved him.

  I dropped my head as the painful memories washed over me. I was once again conscious of Emily’s presence and steeled myself for her reaction before speaking.

  “That night, he confessed his feelings for me. He told me that he loved me. And I admitted that I felt the same way about him. Then we made love.”

  I looked up, expecting to see judgment on Emily’s face, but there was only interest and concern. Still, I rushed to try to explain my behavior.

  “I never thought I would be the type of person that would betray a friend like that. Not only a friend but my best friend; someone I considered a sister. Yet in that moment, I forgot about everything besides Logan. I don’t know how else to explain it.”

  Emily shrugged. “I mean, it wasn’t the best way to go about it, but you were young. Everyone makes mistakes.”

  I shook my head. “Some mistakes haunt you for the rest of your life.” I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself for what was yet to come. “While we were making love, nothing mattered besides what I felt for Logan. But the moment we were finished and I was able to think clearly, reality came crashing down on me. I was almost hysterical over what we had done. It was unforgivable. I should have told Cassie the truth about my feelings for Logan instead of acting on them. Maybe admitting them would have made them go away. Maybe not, but at least it would have been the honest thing to do. I couldn’t believe I was capable of hurting her like that. I had always thought of myself as a good person. Someone who wouldn’t intentionally hurt others. That night, I found out I was the exact opposite. I was selfish and willing to do whatever I wanted, regardless of the consequences.”

  Emily raised her eyebrows. “I think you’re being a little hard on yourself. We’ve all done things we regret.”

  I looked at her with shame and sorrow. “But it didn’t end there. That night, I swore that I would never let anything happen between Logan and I again. He wasn’t happy about it, and he didn’t agree, but I told him I needed
some time and space to decide what to do.” My lips pressed together. “I even begged him to not break up with Cassie. He insisted that he was going to end things with her regardless of what happened between us, but I couldn’t help feeling like I was responsible. I knew she would be devastated by it, so I begged him to postpone it until we both had clearer heads. He was reluctant, but he finally agreed.”

  I would never forget the disappointment on Logan’s face when I made him promise to not end things with Cassie until I had time to think. I knew he took it as me not being sure about my feelings for him, but it was actually the exact opposite. My feelings for him were so intense that it scared me, and I was afraid of the fallout when the inevitable happened and Cassie found out.

  “The next couple of weeks were horrible,” I said, feeling sick to my stomach from the memory. “I was paranoid, convinced that Cassie would find out. I knew I had to tell her the truth, but every time I came close, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t think I could handle the look on her face when she realized I wasn’t the person she thought I was. Yet at the same time, I couldn’t stop thinking about Logan, wishing that things were different and we could be together. It was a crazy mix of emotions. I was wracked with guilt one moment, and in the next it was almost unbearable how much I missed Logan. I was careful not to spend any time alone with him, and whenever he was with Cassie, I made sure I wasn’t around.”

  I gripped my hands together tightly, trying to keep myself from breaking down. “After two weeks, Logan couldn’t take it anymore. He confronted me and told me he was breaking up with Cassie, that he was done pretending. He said he wouldn’t tell Cassie about us, but it was time to end their relationship.” I leaned back on the couch as I remembered the intensity of his expression. “He was pretty angry about it all. He said he knew we shouldn’t have done anything before he broke up with Cassie, but what was done was done. He told me it was up to me whether we would be together or not, but he hoped that I wouldn’t let my fear ruin what we had together.”

  I hung my head in shame. “In that moment, I realized that I couldn’t live without him. I needed to tell Cassie the truth and face the consequences. Not only did she deserve it, but selfish as it was, coming clean was the only way I could give Logan and myself a chance.” My voice started to shake as I continued. “But her birthday was in just a couple of days. I didn’t want that day to be ruined for the rest of her life with the memory of her boyfriend and best friend admitting that they had betrayed her. So I convinced Logan that not only should we wait to tell her the truth about us, but he should wait to break up with her.”

  I looked up with a smile full of melancholy. “Her birthday was actually a lot of fun. She was a little disappointed that Logan couldn’t spend the day with her because he had to go home for a couple of days. I knew he was just doing that so we didn’t have the awkwardness of having to pretend in front of her. But Cassie and I had a blast together. She didn’t feel like doing the typical college thing and go binge-drinking, so we went to a nearby amusement park. We were like little kids again, riding roller coasters and making ourselves sick with cotton candy and funnel cake.” My eyes became unfocused as I thought about that day. It had been bittersweet for me. It had reminded me of how much I valued Cassie’s friendship and how much she meant to me. It also brought home the fact that I didn’t know what I would do without her. I was bound to lose her friendship once she knew the truth.

  “Logan and I were just going to wait a few days after her birthday to tell her. The day before we were supposed to confess everything, Cassie and I made plans to watch a movie after classes were over.”

  My chest tightened as I relived it all over again. I tried to explain what had happened with the least words possible; otherwise, I didn’t know if I would be able to vocalize it. “I was running late. Cassie and I were supposed to meet up at our dorm room before the movie so I was rushing to get home. When I got there, I found her in her bed. She had slashed her wrists. She was dead before the paramedics arrived.”

  Emily gasped, her face whitening. I had never revealed how Cassie had died—I had always been intentionally vague about it—and Emily had respected my privacy.

  “Oh my God. That’s horrible. I’m so sorry, Madison.”

  “But don’t you see,” I said, my voice barely audible. “She planned it that way. She did it so I would be the one to find her. She locked the door to make sure no one could come in besides me.” My voice was growing louder as I spoke, and I heard the tinge of hysteria rising. “She must have found out about me and Logan. The betrayal must have been too much for her to take. She took her own life, and made sure I was the one to find her to punish me.”

  Emily frowned. “How can you be so sure about that? Did she leave behind a letter?”

  I shook my head. “No, nothing. But why else would she have planned it that way? Why else would she have taken her own life?”

  “I don’t know,” Emily said helplessly. “I didn’t know Cassie, so I can’t really say. I just can’t imagine someone committing suicide because her boyfriend cheated on her. I mean, even if it was with her best friend. I just… I don’t know…”

  She trailed off, obviously not knowing what to say. Or maybe she knew there was nothing to say because it was pretty obvious what Cassie’s intentions had been.

  “What happened afterwards?” Emily finally asked gently.

  “I was a complete mess. I mean, how can anyone come to terms with the fact that you’re responsible for someone’s death? And not just anyone, but someone you love.” Emily opened her mouth, conceivably to object to my assertion, but I continued talking before she could interrupt. “There was only about a month left before the end of the semester, and I left school the day after it happened. I transferred to a local college near my hometown for my senior year. There was no way I could go back to the University of Michigan.”

  “What about you and Logan?” Emily asked.

  I looked at her, surprised by her question. “There was no me and Logan. After I left, he tried to get in contact with me multiple times but I ignored him.” I grimaced as I thought about his repeated attempts to talk to me. “He even came to my college one day because I refused to answer his calls. I couldn’t believe he thought that I would ever let anything happen between us after Cassie’s death. He seemed convinced that Cassie didn’t know about us, and that she killed herself for other reasons. But she had no other reasons. She had the perfect life. I told him that I never wanted to see him again, and if he continued to try to contact me, I would end up hating him as much as I hated myself.” I experienced a physical ache when I remembered his expression when I had bitterly spat those words at him. Hurt wasn’t strong enough of an adjective to describe it. Yet back then his expression of pain had enraged me even more. We were still alive to feel pain and regret, but Cassie could no longer feel anything.

  “So he left me alone, and we went on with our lives. Three years ago, he contacted me to tell me he had moved to Chicago. I guess he heard through the grapevine that I was living here. Five years had passed since Cassie’s death, and I had worked through a lot of my issues. I realized that I had displaced a lot of the anger I felt towards myself onto him, and it wasn’t fair. He was pretty persistent about keeping in contact with me once he was in Chicago, so I told myself we would be acquaintances and nothing more. But you’ve seen how close we’ve gotten this past year.”

  I took a deep breath, and then told Emily everything that had happened when we had gone to the Brooks’ home for Cassie’s birthday. Her eyes widened in disbelief when I told her about how Mrs. Brooks still lived in a fantasy world when it came to Cassie’s death. Emily practically fell off the couch when I told her about what had happened between Logan and me last night.

  “You can’t just leave it like that,” she insisted. “You can’t just cut Logan out of your life. You still have feelings for him, and things are never going to be resolved if you just deny them.”

  I lo
oked at her incredulously. Hadn’t I just told her why Logan and I could never be together? “My feelings for Logan don’t matter. Don’t you see how even entertaining the thought of a romantic relationship with him is another betrayal to Cassie? I owe it to her to not get involved with him. Logan is still hers.”

  Emily shook her head. “I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to not only have Cassie commit suicide but be the one to find her. But she’s not here anymore. And from everything you’ve ever told me about her, she loved you. She wanted you to be happy. Whatever her reason was for her killing herself, I can’t believe it was to punish you.” She shrugged helplessly. “Just because you’re close to someone doesn’t mean you know everything about them.”

  I couldn’t accept her last statement. Cassie hadn’t just been a close friend. For ten years, we had shared our lives. At times, she knew me better than I knew myself, and I had thought the reverse was true. Besides, even though she was gone, it was still difficult to not think of Logan as belonging to her.

  “All I know is that I can’t think about Logan anymore,” I said tiredly. “It just makes me depressed.”

  Emily hesitated before responding. “Okay, no more talk about Logan. But it’s not healthy to be carrying the burden of Cassie’s death on your shoulders. It’s not your fault.”

  I appreciated Emily’s concern for me, that she wasn’t condemning me as a horrible human being, but I knew it was just because she cared about me, not because she actually believed my actions were forgivable.

  “I know it’s not healthy,” I said with a sigh. There was no point in arguing with Emily about blaming myself. “I’m sorry I never told you the truth before.”

  “It’s okay. It’s not exactly something that’s easy to tell.” She frowned. “I guess this makes Adam’s proposal even more confusing.”