Of Love & Regret

by S. H. Kolee

  I tried to push all my conflicting emotions about Cassie and Logan aside as I considered Emily’s statement. It was actually a relief to think about something besides the mess with Logan, even if it was something as complicated as Adam’s proposal.

  “The more I think about it, the more I realize that marrying Adam would be a huge mistake,” I admitted. “I think the only reason I was actually considering it was because it would be an easy escape. My relationship with Adam is comfortable and doesn’t challenge me in the least. But I don’t want a marriage that lacks passion. Companionship isn’t enough. This past year, I think I’ve realized that it’s time to end our relationship, but I’ve been dragging my feet about it. His proposal forces me to face the fact that we’re not meant for each other.”

  “Thank God!” Emily exclaimed, and then winced apologetically. “I’m sorry if that sounds a little insensitive, but I was afraid you were going to end up saying yes to Adam just because he asked. It’s not like I think he’s a horrible guy or anything; it’s just that I don’t think he’s the right person for you.”

  “I’m just dreading having to tell him. I told him I would have an answer for him by this weekend.”

  Emily spent the next hour brainstorming the best way to tell Adam I was rejecting his proposal with the least amount of confrontation. She had some creative ideas, most of them a little out there, but the only right way to tell him was face to face.

  After Emily left, I decided to be a coward for a little bit longer and texted Adam to see if he could come over tomorrow so we could discuss his proposal. The adult thing to do would be to see him today and get it over with, but I was still raw from my encounter with Logan last night. Telling Emily about the past had just brought everything to the forefront of my mind, and I needed some time to heal.

  I was relieved when Adam agreed to come over tomorrow, and I spent the rest of the morning finishing the bottle of wine Emily had brought over. I tried to keep thoughts of Logan at bay, but failed miserably, so I opened another bottle of wine when I was finished with Emily’s and proceeded to drink it by myself. I wasted the day away with alcohol and reliving my past transgressions. By the time I fell into bed, I was able to drift off into a deep sleep where pain and regret didn’t exist.

  Chapter Eleven

  I woke up with the mother of all hangovers Sunday morning, but the throbbing of my head wasn’t enough to distract me from the anxiety of what I had to do today. I was on pins and needles all morning since Adam wouldn’t be over until the afternoon. Emily sent me a few encouraging texts, but they did nothing to alleviate my stress. I was grateful that at least I was able to focus on something besides my fractured relationship with Logan.

  My heart lurched when Adam finally arrived. He looked happy and well rested when I opened the door—the exact opposite of how I felt.

  “Hey, babe,” he said, dropping a quick kiss on my mouth as he strode inside. He didn’t seem like a man who was doubtful about the answer he was going to get to his proposal, which was just going to make this much harder. “It’s a gorgeous day today. We should go hang out at the park.”

  “Sure, maybe,” I hedged. By the time this conversation was over, I doubted Adam would want to go anywhere with me. I sat down on the couch in the living room and waited for Adam to join me. When he did, I took a deep breath and decided to just go for the plunge. Prolonging the inevitable would just make things harder.

  “I want you to know how much it means to me that you asked me to marry you,” I started. Adam was watching me expectantly, and I had to force myself to continue. “These past three years we’ve been together have been great, and I think you’re an amazing person, but I’ve come to realize that we’re not right for each other.”

  Adam’s mouth went slack and I spoke more quickly, not wanting to lose my nerve.

  “I think we’ve just become comfortable in our relationship because it’s easy. We get along, there’s no drama and we genuinely like each other. The problem is… that describes a friendship, not a marriage. I want you to know how much I care about you and that I don’t regret our relationship, but I think it’s time to end things. So I can’t accept your proposal.”

  Adam seemed stunned and his mouth worked convulsively as he tried to figure out what to say. When he finally did speak, his voice was higher-pitched than normal.

  “Madison, you’re making a huge mistake. You’ve gotten some notion in your head that relationships are supposed to always be exciting with fireworks going off when you kiss. That’s only in the beginning. After that comes comfort and familiarity. We have that.”

  I didn’t point out that there had never been excitement or fireworks in our relationship, even in the beginning, but I didn’t refute that his logic made some sense. I just knew to the core of my being that we weren’t right for each other.

  “I’m sorry, Adam. I agree that you can’t expect a relationship to always be like it was in the beginning, but while comfort and familiarity are important, there has to be more than that.” I paused while I mustered up the courage to say the next words. “I like you, Adam, but I’m not in love with you.”

  Adam’s hands clenched into fists, and I saw a flare of rage flit across his face. It was surprising; I had never seen him truly angry in the past three years. Sure, we had our disagreements, and he would get upset, but never angry. I didn’t blame him for reacting that way today, but his expression of anger disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.

  “Does this have anything to do with Logan?”

  I blinked at him in surprise. Adam had always seemed at ease with my friendship with Logan, and this was the first time he had ever expressed any reservations about it.

  “No, this has nothing to do with Logan,” I said emphatically. The next words were lies, but I didn’t want Adam to believe Logan had anything to do with our breaking up, because he truly didn’t. “Logan and I are just friends, nothing more. I’m sorry, but I just don’t think we have a future together.”

  I waited with bated breath for Adam’s reply. I didn’t know what to expect, but I would have preferred yelling over the sadness I saw on his face.

  “But I love you. Doesn’t that count for anything?” he asked forlornly.

  I bit my lip, wracked with guilt but wishing he would just accept my answer and leave. “Of course it does. And it’s not as if I never felt the same way, but we just grew apart.”

  “Is there anything I can say to change your mind?” he pleaded. “Can’t you just think it over some more?”

  “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to change my mind,” I said gently but firmly. I didn’t know what else to say, so I just apologized again. “I’m sorry.”

  Adam nodded and stood up abruptly. “I guess there’s no reason for me to stay. I’m not going to make a fool of myself by begging.”

  I followed helplessly as he walked towards the door and flung it open. He turned his head to give me one last look, and I was surprised by the venom on his face.

  “I hope you regret this decision for the rest of your life.”

  He slammed the door behind him. I was relieved to see him go, and told myself he was justifiably angry about my rejection. In reality, it had gone a lot better than I had imagined since he had accepted my answer without much of a fight.

  The problem was, now that my relationship with Adam was officially over, I had nothing to focus on except Logan. I spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening obsessing about him. I knew I should just let things lie, that I shouldn’t contact him because everything was too fresh and raw. I wasn’t sure if our friendship could ever be repaired, but if it was at all possible, we both needed time. Yet, I couldn’t deny the irresistible pull to my phone, and despite knowing better, I found myself pushing the button to dial his number.

  My heart was in my throat as I listened to the phone ring, and I wondered if he would just ignore my call. The thought of that hurt more than I wanted to admit, and just when I was about to disconnect the c
all, he picked up.

  “Hello.” His voice was brusque, and I had to resist the urge to hang up, because it would only make me look foolish.

  “Hi, Logan,” I said cautiously. I was on edge and didn’t know how to approach him. I wasn’t even sure why I was calling him. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

  “Go ahead.”

  His curt tone didn’t help bolster my confidence and I cursed myself for having called him. “I just… I wanted to apologize for some of the things I said the other day. I think we both said things that we regret. I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate what a good friend you’ve been to me.”

  “I don’t regret anything I said. It was the truth.”

  I had expected Logan to be appreciative that I was the one reaching out to him, but by his tone I had a feeling he now considered me a nuisance more than anything else. Maybe he was over it all and wanted nothing more to do with me.

  “Okay, well… I guess I just wanted you to know that I didn’t mean a lot of the stuff I said. I was just angry and confused.” I was met with silence and I decided that I needed to end this call before I embarrassed myself even further. “That’s all I really wanted to say. I’ll let you go. Bye.”

  I lowered the phone from my ear and was about to disconnect the call when I was stopped by the sound of Logan’s voice.

  “Wait.”

  I raised the phone again to my ear and was silent, waiting for him to speak. He sighed heavily, and I could just picture him raking his hand through his hair in frustration.

  “I don’t want things to end like this with us,” he said finally. “I meant everything I said yesterday, but I’ll admit that maybe my delivery wasn’t the best.”

  I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know how to respond.

  “Are you home right now?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “I’m coming over. Don’t go anywhere.”

  He disconnected the call before I could say anything. I wasn’t sure if I would have protested if I had been given the chance, but I couldn’t deny the flicker of anticipation knowing that I was going to see him. Last night, I had been so sure that I would never lay eyes on him again, and it made me even more desperate to see him today. A part of me realized that, not only was I being a masochist, I was probably being unfair to Logan by sending out mixed signals. I was so determined for things to stay platonic between us, yet I couldn’t deny my attraction to him and the urge to spend time with him, even if it was painful.

  I was a bundle of nerves while I waited for him. When he finally arrived, and I opened the door, I had to resist the urge to fling myself in his arms. I had to remind myself to keep things strictly platonic.

  “Hi.” I felt awkward and didn’t know what else to say, so I just stepped back to let him in. He didn’t speak as he walked past me into the living room. As I followed him, I couldn’t help noticing how his well-worn jeans and t-shirt molded against his lean, muscular body. I gave myself a mental shake. I needed to get my thoughts out of the gutter and figure out how to salvage our friendship.

  He turned abruptly before we reached the couch and I skidded to a halt, almost bumping into him. I took a few steps back to put some space between us. I looked at him nervously, but his expression gave nothing away.

  “I’m not even sure why I’m here. Unless your feelings have changed.”

  I bit my lip. I didn’t want to start the conversation this way. I didn’t want to get into another fight so I tried to speak as diplomatically as possible.

  “I think things got away from us in the heat of the moment on Friday. I care about you too much to just throw our friendship away. The anniversary of Cassie’s death always affects me, and I think that’s why I got so angry with you. You didn’t deserve that.”

  Logan studied me without saying anything. I was starting to get antsy from his lack of a response when he finally spoke.

  “Did you accept Adam’s proposal?”

  I hadn’t planned on discussing Adam with him, but I didn’t know how to get around his question, so I decided to answer truthfully.

  “No, we broke up,” I admitted. “I realized that we weren’t right for each other. It actually happened earlier today.”

  The tension in Logan’s shoulders relaxed, and he suddenly seemed more at ease, but all he said was, “I think you made the right decision.”

  I stilled as he took a step closer to me. I tried to think of something to say so that Logan would understand that this didn’t change anything between us, but my mind drew a blank. All I could concentrate on was Logan’s physical presence, which seemed to fill the entire apartment.

  “Maddie.” Logan’s voice was low and raspy, and I felt hypnotized as I watched him lift his hand. My insides clenched when he cupped my face and brushed his thumb against my cheek. “Just give us a chance. That’s all I’m asking for.”

  I should have protested and given him all the reasons why we couldn’t be together. Those reasons hadn’t gone away. But I couldn’t vocalize those thoughts because they didn’t seem so insurmountable anymore. Maybe confessing to Emily about my past had helped. I had finally been able to unload some of the burden I had been carrying around all these years. I had expected Emily to recoil in disgust, but instead she had been understanding and compassionate. She hadn’t thought I was a monster, so maybe I wasn’t. She didn’t seem to think pursuing a relationship with Logan was horribly wrong and selfish. Could she be right?

  I put my hand on Logan’s wrist, stopping him from pulling me closer. His close proximity wasn’t helping my chaotic thoughts. “I’m just scared,” I admitted, my voice barely a whisper. “I’m scared this is wrong. I’m scared our friendship will be ruined beyond repair.” I took a long shuddering breath and said the words that expressed my deepest fear. “I’m scared that Cassie is looking down at us, feeling hurt and betrayed again.”

  “This has nothing to do with Cassie,” he said softly. “We made mistakes in the past but we’re not doing anything wrong now. Give yourself a chance to believe that.”

  It wasn’t the desire that I saw in Logan’s face that swayed me. It was the care and concern in his expression, and I knew that he would never do anything to hurt me. I didn’t know if I could say the same thing about myself, if I could promise myself that I would never hurt Logan again, but I pushed that thought aside. I was tired of fighting my attraction to him. For once, I wanted to let go of everything and just allow myself to feel.

  I didn’t resist when he pulled me closer, and I let my hand drop from his wrist. My senses were overloaded. The feel of his hand sliding down to the back of my neck sent shivers down my spine, his cologne combined with a scent that was singularly his own was intoxicating, and his piercing blue eyes shot straight to my soul as he lowered his head.

  My eyes fluttered closed when his lips touched mine, and our kiss was gentle and sweet. The exploratory kiss turned more intense as his soft kisses became demanding. I opened my mouth against his, welcoming his velvety tongue, which caressed mine with growing urgency. Logan made a sound of approval deep in his throat when I pressed harder against him, pushing my tongue into his mouth as a fire ignited inside me. I wanted more of Logan. I wanted more than just his kisses and the feeling of his hard body against mine.

  I wanted everything.

  It was almost painful when Logan pulled back to break the kiss. Both of us were breathing heavily, and I could see the effort it took for Logan to stop by the tension on his face.

  “We can’t continue if you’re going to stop me before I have all of you,” he warned, his voice raspy. “We either stop now or we don’t stop at all. I don’t think I’ll have enough control later on if you change your mind. Make the decision now.”

  Instead of being put off by Logan’s words, the idea that he wanted me so badly made the flame of my desire burn even hotter. I was standing on a precipice looking down, and I knew if I jumped, there was no going back. I pushed away all the worries and doubts in my m
ind, and took the plunge.

  “I don’t want to stop,” I said, surprised by how sure I was of this decision. “I’m tired of second-guessing everything I do. For once, I just want to be happy.”

  The look of naked vulnerability on Logan’s face was heart shattering. “I’ll make you happy,” he vowed, his expression serious. “I promise I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you never regret being with me.”

  I opened my mouth to respond, but any words I might have said were forgotten as he crushed his lips against mine. There was no longer any gentleness in our kiss. It was driven by pure lust and another emotion I didn’t want to put a label on. The only things that existed in that moment were his lips and his tongue and my aching need to be consumed by him.

  I had to swallow a whimper when he broke the kiss. My lips almost felt bruised, yet I put pressure on the back of his head to urge him close again, needing to be connected to him.

  “I’ve been waiting a long time for this,” he said huskily. “We’re going to take this slow.”

  He lifted me up into his arms with no warning and I squealed, grabbing onto his neck. “You’ve been reading too many romance novels,” I said, surprised that I could joke at a moment like this. “Except you’re supposed to be wearing a billowing white shirt and have long flowing hair.”

  The side of Logan’s mouth quirked up as he strode into the bedroom. “I’ll try for the Fabio look next time. For now, you’re going to have to make do with just me.”

  There was nothing “just” about Logan. My laughter vanished as he gently set me on the bed, his expression full of humor and desire. Any woman would be lucky to have a man like Logan look at her with that kind of expression. The fact that it was directed at me took my breath away.

  “Logan,” I started, not sure of what I was going to say. I just felt like I had to say something, otherwise I would become lost in the tenderness of his gaze and lose myself forever.

  “We’ve done enough talking,” he chided softly.