Letting Go

by Ann O'Leary

  A short time later, they were cuddled up together in her cozy bed. The fire was burning brightly in the grate, casting warm comforting flickering patterns on the walls. Kate held Laura close and stroked her hair, and soon Laura was fast asleep. Kate lay awake for a long time. Suddenly a lot of things made sense to her. She understood now why Laura was so reluctant to allow a relationship to develop between them. No wonder she was scared. Kate’s heart was bursting with love for Laura and as she held her in her arms, she decided that she would be patient. I have to make her really see how much I love her, Kate thought, let her see that she can trust me. She resolved to accept Laura’s conditions that they not see each other too much, without giving Laura a hard time about it. Kate then snuggled in against Laura’s warm body and decided it wouldn’t be long before she and Laura would be together, properly, forever. With a contented sigh, Kate fell asleep.

  They returned to Melbourne late on Sunday afternoon, and it was decided that Kate would spend the night again with Laura. Kate decided she wanted to cook dinner for Laura, and they stopped off at the supermarket on the way home.

  She cooked roast lamb with mint sauce and baked vegetables. It was good to see Laura on the other side of 126

  the kitchen bench for a change, relaxing with a glass of wine while Kate did the cooking. Laura seemed to enjoy it immensely.

  Over Amaretto and coffee, Laura suggested they should slow things down a bit in the coming week. “What about your friends, and all the other things you like to do?”

  Kate, remembering her private pledge to be patient, bit her lip, and nodded in acquiescence.

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  Chapter Twelve

  During the busy afternoon on Wednesday, Laura was working at her desk, when her phone rang. She expected it would be Kate. They’d spoken on the phone each day, but they hadn’t seen each other since Monday morning, when they both left Laura’s apartment for work. Laura was looking forward to seeing Kate tonight.

  Laura was completely taken aback to hear Kelly’s voice. She quickly collected her thoughts. “Oh, Kelly, umm…how was Cairns?” Laura replied.

  “It was great. I thought maybe you’d like to see my allover tan,” said Kelly in her low seductive voice. “Maybe on Friday night?”

  Laura’s mind worked rapidly. It wasn’t all that long ago that a conversation like this with Kelly would have had 129

  her heart pounding with lustful anticipation. Now it was pounding with anxiety.

  After a brief pause, Laura replied warmly, “Okay, Friday will be fine.”

  That night with Kate, Laura felt decidedly uneasy. When Kate suggested that they get together on Friday night and spend the weekend together, Laura had to avert her eyes. She’d already told Kate she wasn’t free on Friday night. Without argument, Kate agreed to come around late on Saturday afternoon. Every time Laura looked into Kate’s eyes or held her and kissed her, she secretly resolved to ring Kelly and cancel their arrangement. But over and over she silently told herself this was the only way to keep herself in check. Later that night, when Kate was lying hot and naked in her arms, her breathing fast and shallow, her eyes worshipful, Laura felt her heart melt and she made love to Kate with more passion and tenderness than ever before. Laura couldn’t be satisfied enough that night, She couldn’t have enough of Kate. She couldn’t let her go.

  “Vodka and tonic?” Tony asked Laura. It had been rather quiet for a Friday, and Laura lingered unnecessarily in the office.

  “Yeah, a strong one please,” said Laura, as she sank into a comfortable leather chair in Tony’s office. She was in no hurry to go home; she wasn’t looking forward to tonight. She was quite happy about the idea of seeing Kelly and talking with her. Kelly could be very amusing, and she was sure Kelly would have some funny stories about her vacation. 130

  And she still found Kelly very attractive. But her feelings for Kate and her guilt were rapidly dousing the flames of her lust for Kelly. This made her furious with herself. Why couldn’t she just relax and enjoy it all? Why did she have to make everything so hard for herself?

  Tony handed her the drink, then ripped the top off a can of beer. “I didn’t tell you, did I?—about what happened the other day, when that snooty fashion client arrived for our presentation?”

  Laura shook her head, and sipped her drink.

  “Well, I thought she must be about due, so I headed

  ’round to reception. Just as I was about to turn the corner, I saw her standing in the doorway, her mouth hanging open and her eyes like saucers, gaping at Jodie.” Tony paused, and lit a cigarette. “She was typing or something and didn’t notice the client. Jodie had this huge fucking bubble coming out of her mouth. I reckon it was a personal best—nearly as big as her face!”

  Laura laughed. “What did you do?”

  Tony took a swig of his beer. “Shit, ’mate, I pissed off back ’round the corner.” Laura began laughing hysterically Tony dragged on his cigarette calmly. “I waited till I heard this huge fucking snap—the biggest one ever—then I came out and greeted the client, acting as if nothing had happened. I had to try to block her view of Jodie though, who was busy pulling the bloody stuff off her face.”

  Tony had Laura in fits of laughter, and after a few more drinks, she was in a much better mood.

  When she arrived home, she set about putting a meal together to share with Kelly. She made up her mind to relax and enjoy the evening, and the night to follow. Another vodka and tonic would help, she thought, and she sipped 131

  this while she prepared a salad of warm poached chicken breast with tomatoes, black olives, capers, and fresh oregano, tossed together with a little lemon juice and olive oil. She opened a bottle of red wine and poured herself a glass, then selected some music. She wondered what Kate was doing tonight and poured another glass of wine.

  She was feeling decidedly mellow by the time her door buzzer sounded. She greeted Kelly at the door with one of her smiles. Kelly looked fit and her tan looked great next to her blonde hair. She kissed Laura, a long sensual kiss. Laura was pleased to feel her body respond a little. When she eventually released Laura, Kelly said with a smile, “Seems like you started without me.”

  “Yes, I was in the mood,” Laura replied. “Come and join me.” She took Kelly’s hand and led her to the kitchen bench. She was feeling lightheaded as she emptied the bottle into Kelly’s glass.

  “Shit, you’ve drunk nearly the whole bottle?” Kelly asked as Laura opened another one.

  Laura shrugged. “Well it was nice.”

  They had dinner and, as expected, Kelly regaled Laura with amusing stories about her trip. At one point, in a break in the conversation, Kelly asked in off-hand manner, “So have you been seeing your new girlfriend while I’ve been away?”

  Laura felt a sickening grip in her stomach. Frowning, she went into the kitchen. She found her cigarettes and lit one. “That’s private. That’s got nothing to do with you and me, Kelly,” she answered firmly.

  Kelly backpedaled fast. “Okay, baby, I’m sorry,” she said in a placating tone. “It’s none of my business.” She got up from the table then and went to Laura in the kitchen. 132

  Kissing her neck, she said, “But this is my business. Isn’t it?”

  Laura was struggling to push thoughts of Kate from her mind. The deceit she felt she was perpetrating seemed worse suddenly when Kelly alluded to Kate.

  “Yes,” she said in a low voice, “this is your business.”

  Laura began to kiss her, gently at first, but with increasing passion.

  “God, I want you baby, let’s go to bed,” Kelly murmured against Laura’s lips.

  Kelly’s raw sex appeal and Laura’s determination were beginning to have the desired effect. But Laura was in no hurry.

  “Why don’t you make us some coffee while I change the music,” she suggested, “then we’ll go to bed “ She kissed Kelly again.

  Across town, Kate was sitting at a bar having a drink with a few friend
s. They’d had dinner together and had moved on to a women’s club. The bar was beginning to fill with dykes and the music was becoming more upbeat. Her friends had settled in for an enjoyable night, but Kate’s thoughts kept turning to Laura. She was just thinking how much she was looking forward to seeing. Laura tomorrow when she had a wonderful idea. She told her friends that she had something to do, and maybe she’d be back later. She left the bar, got into her dilapidated old red Mazda, and drove straight to a florist she knew, which stayed open until very late. Once again, she selected a dozen longstemmed red roses and had them put into a box and tied with a red ribbon. They looked beautiful. Red roses may not be very original, thought Kate, but they were the only 133

  flowers special enough for her.

  She happily handed over quite a large sum of money, more than she could afford.

  Since Laura said she was busy tonight, it was likely—she was out somewhere, and Kate decided to leave the flowers for her to find when she came home. If she had visitors, she’d leave them outside her door. But maybe, with any luck, Laura was home by now, alone. In any case, she was sure Laura would be pleased. She didn’t want to invade her space, but she wanted Laura to know how much she loved her, and that she was always in her thoughts.

  Kate pulled up outside Laura’s apartment block at around eleven-fifteen. She looked up to her balcony but couldn’t see any light through the French doors, so Laura wasn’t at home entertaining friends. She cradled the box of roses. When she got to the security entrance, she hesitated about ringing the buzzer. If she wasn’t out somewhere, perhaps she was asleep, and Kate didn’t want to wake her. Kate reached into her jeans pocket and grasped the keys to Laura’s apartment, which she’d carried with her every day since their first night together. Laura had obviously forgotten about them and hadn’t asked Kate to return them. Kate opened the security door and went inside the foyer. She looked up at the stairs landing to Laura’s door and wondered whether she should leave the flowers on the doormat. They’d be safe there, Kate thought. But she smiled as she pictured Laura coming home later, or waking up tomorrow morning, and discovering with delight the spectacular box of flowers on the coffee table. That was a much more exciting idea.

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  * * *

  Laura and Kelly were together on the sofa. The music had finished, and the apartment was quiet except for their occasional sighs and moans. They’d been kissing for some time, and Kelly was squirming impatiently. She pressed Laura down onto her back. She slid Laura’s sweater up, exposing her breasts, and began to caress Laura’s breasts with her lips and tongue.

  Laura moved her hips under Kelly and moaned as her own desire increased. “We’d better go upstairs,” Laura said breathlessly. She switched off the lamp on the side table, and then with a gaze into Kelly’s eyes, took her hand and led her upstairs.

  “God, I’ve missed you,” Kelly whispered, as she quickly pulled off Laura’s sweater and dragged off her jeans and panties. She removed most of her own clothes and, still in her bra and panties, she drew Laura down onto the bed and began to cover Laura’s body with kisses.

  Kate began to climb the stairs to Laura’s apartment. She hesitated once more, outside her door, listening for sounds of movement. She didn’t want to frighten Laura if she was there.

  Quietly, Kate placed the key in the lock. She opened the door just a couple of inches, listening. All was quiet, and Kate stepped inside. She closed the door soundlessly behind her and stood for a moment as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. Suddenly, she was aware of a small flickering light coming from upstairs. Kate smiled. It was candlelight. She and Laura often made love by candlelight. Laura must

  , be lying quietly awake, she thought.

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  Considering whether she should call out to Laura or go outside the door again and knock, she heard a sound. It was a soft moan, and it was Laura’s voice. This was followed by another voice, barely audible: “Oh, baby.” Kate froze. Her heart began to pound. It couldn’t be what it sounded like. It wasn’t possible. Some horrible force-field drew Kate unwittingly to the stairs. Her legs felt like jelly and her mind had gone blank. Another murmur, another whisper, and Kate began to slowly ascend the stairs. She was still clutching the box of roses under her arm, but Laura’s keys slithered suddenly from her hand, and hit the stair with a loud clang.

  Laura and Kelly were lying naked on the bed.

  “Fucking hell!” Kelly exclaimed, leaping off Laura in an instant. Laura gasped, grabbing her robe from the end of the bed and clutching it to her naked body.

  Kate stared at them in disbelief, and the box under her arm fell, split open and spilled the red roses over the floor. She suddenly felt sick and, without a word, she turned and fled down the stairs and out of the door.

  Upstairs, Kelly had recovered somewhat from the shock of this rude interruption. This wasn’t the first time she’d been “caught in the act” by the untimely arrival of a jealous lover. Despite the lightning speed at which it had all taken place, Kelly had noticed the intruder’s exceptional good looks and tender age. She smiled, thinking the young woman had just learned the hard way to wait for an invitation next time.

  “God, Laura,” she called out as she began to descend the stairs. “Don’t you know not to give lovers keys to your 136

  apartment? That’s just a crazy thing to…”

  Kelly stopped suddenly. Laura was kneeling on the floor in the open doorway with her robe, having fallen off her shoulders, spread out around her. Her head was down, her face in her hands, and she was sobbing. Kelly pulled Laura to her feet, and pushed the door closed.

  “Come on, baby,” said Kelly gently. “It’s not that bad.”

  She put her arms around her and tried to calm her, but Laura pushed her away.

  “It is that bad,” Laura sobbed as she rushed to the phone. Breathless and agitated, she left a message to someone.

  “Please tell her to call me as soon as she gets in.”

  As Laura put down the phone, and rapidly leafed rough her organizer for another number, Kelly said, quietly, feeling dejected, “I guess she means a lot to you.”

  Without turning to look at her, Laura answered thoughtlessly, “Everything.”

  As Laura dialed another number, Kelly returned to the bedroom and got dressed. When she came back downstairs, she looked at Laura, who was again speaking on the phone.

  “Good-bye, Laura.” Kelly opened the door and left.

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  Chapter Thirteen

  Laura went into the kitchen and made herself some coffee. Her head was throbbing, and she imagined the agony Kate would be going through.

  Suddenly, Laura pictured the flowers lying on the bedroom floor, and while the coffee brewed, she went upstairs. She stood for a moment, breathless as she surveyed the bed from Kate’s point of view. Crouching down, she slowly gathered up the roses.

  She didn’t feel the pain of a tearing thorn, and she watched in detached interest as the blood welled and trickled across her hand. Returning to the kitchen she placed the roses in a vase and poured herself the first of many cups of coffee. The hours slowly ticked by as Laura chastised herself for her stupidity. She had to keep moving around, finding 139

  things to do, to ease the gripping ache in her chest. She found herself re-living the horror of the day Alex died, and the grief she was feeling for the loss of Kate was not unlike her grief that fateful day five years ago.

  In the early hours as a thin gray light began to filter through Laura’s windows, a haze lifted from Laura’s mind. She could never have Alex again, but here was Kate, offered to her like a gift, and if she lost her now, she would never forgive herself. She remembered that she’d told Kelly that Kate meant “everything” to her, and she realized it was the truth.

  By six o’clock, Kate still hadn’t called. Laura was exhausted, but sleep was out of the question. She went upstairs, had a long hot shower, then made herself more coffee and something to eat. A
t seven o’clock, she rang Kate’s apartment again, waking her flatmate a second time, only to be told impatiently that Kate hadn’t returned. Laura was becoming desperately worried about Kate. Where could she be? Was she all right? If only she could have a chance to hold Kate in her arms and kiss away her tears, assure her that she would never be hurt again. If only she had a chance to tell Kate she loved her. Laura urgently wanted to talk to Jude; she needed her help. They’d planned to meet at the market anyway, but she decided to call sooner. When she rang her, around eight-thirty, Jude was still sleepy. Laura had woken her. Laura began her story calmly, but within moments, she dissolved in a flood of tears. Jude was alarmed. “Settle down, darl,” she said. “Come around here now, and tell me all about it. We’ll sort something out.”

  After Laura hung up she felt some relief. She washed her face in cold water, then grabbed her keys and mobile 140

  phone. Kate knew that number and it was on her answer machine, so she wouldn’t miss any calls. Just before she left, she remembered Kelly and decided to phone her. She felt awful about the way she’d ignored her last night.

  “Kelly, it’s Laura. I’ve rung to say I’m sorry about last night.”

  “These things happen, babe,” Kelly replied in a casual tone.

  “I was very upset…obviously, and I ignored you,” said Laura. “I wasn’t thinking straight, I’m Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. You’re obviously pretty serious about her. Did you find her?”

  “I’m afraid not yet. I’m terribly worried about her,”

  Laura replied.

  They agreed to catch up soon, but Laura knew that this ideal affair with Kelly was over.

  Laura drove by Kate’s apartment on her way, hoping desperately that she might see Kate’s car parked outside in its usual place. But it wasn’t there. She fought back the tears that threatened to swamp her, and as she continued on to Jude’s house, she told herself to remain calm. She had to get a grip on herself and stop being hysterical. But when Jude opened her door later, Laura collapsed on her shoulder in a flood of tears.