Beautiful Life

by Bruce Thomas

  "Maybe. Or maybe you have an addiction."

  "Just a healthy appetite. Which, Annangs me back to my little agreement I brought up to you last night." Here we go again with this little friends with benefits things.

  "No," I said.

  "Come on, Anna. It could be fun!"

  "I think we have two completely different ideas on what fun is." I grabbed the napkin with the one girl's number on it and wiped my hands. Fred didn't protest but just in case he decided to call her, I shoved it into the extra ketchup on my plate and put my leftover burger on top of it.

  "You need to loosen up," he grumbled, waving down the waitress for the check. "Why would you want to do that with me anyway?" I wish my voice didn't sound so quiet and frail. I was terrified of his answer and wished we would just drop it. My feelings were too fragile for Fred's type of word usage.

  I watched the girl saunter over and rip the bill off of her pad and hand it to Fred. He didn't even look at how much it cost, but handed her a card along with a wink. The girl's cheeks prettily blushed and she walked back to the register, swaying her hips back and forth dramatically. Fred looked over at me knowing I would watch.

  Why couldn't I have confidence like that? I'm sure if I swung my hips like that I would poke someone's eye out. I didn't want to admit that I wanted Fred to watch me like that, with lust so clear in his eyes. "You intrigue me, Anna."

  His eyes latched onto mine like they normally do when he said something philosophical like this. Muddy orbs burned into mine and I couldn't ignore the swirl of emotions twisting around in my stomach when he looked at me like that.

  But our connection was broken when the waitress returned and intercepted our vision of each other when she leaned across the table to place Fred's card in front of him.

  Fred shoved his card back into his wallet and proceeded to get out of the booth. Even though I could only see his sharp jawline, I could tell that his face was now guarded, leaving me still wondering. "Fred, wait," I said grabbing his arm to make him sit back down. He was right, I needed to loosen up. I needed to get these feelings used up so I could move on from fantasizing about him. He looked at me, his brows hung low over his eyes confused. I raked my hands up and down against my jean clad thighs, bracing myself for what I was about to ask. "What did you mean by agreement?"

  Fred's brows shot up to his hairline. "Really?"

  I shook my head looking anywhere but him. "I'm not saying yes. I just want you to clarify what this"--I motioned to the gap between us--"means." He shifted slightly in his seat but never broke his eye contact. I looked up at him and waited. You've really done it now, I scolded myself.

  "Well," Fred said clearing his throat. "It would be nothing serious." This I knew. He made that

  very clear. "Listen, I am highly aware that you are a virgin. Hell, all of New York knows you are." I narrowed my eyes at him like a cat and dared him to keep up the act. "I'm just saying, it would be a first for both of us. I've never been with a virgin."

  I grounded my teeth together. "I'm not something you can check off on your bucketlist Fred," I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest. "It may not be for everyone but I take my virtue seriously. That's something I can't get back and am not going to just give to anyone. Make fun of me all you want."

  Fred's face was practically the color of my shirt from trying to stop himself from belting out a laugh. "I'm not laughing at you, okay, I'm not." He held up his hands in surrender but that only made me more mad. "It's just I forget how innocent you are."

  "Well, unlike the girls you've been with I have self respect."

  He sobered up real fast after I said that and solemnly looked at me. I squirmed anxiously in my seat and waited for him to say something because he looked like he wanted to. "You're right," he said.

  I nodded once with a jerk of my head. Darn straight, I was right.

  "Can you stop looking at me like that," I sheepishly said when he continued to watch me with a passive look on his face. "Sorry, I'm just thinking of the other night."

  Heat flushed my entire body at the thought. I wasn't sure to be offended or flattered.

  "Well, stop. That's inappropriate." I leaned tiredly into the table and pushed the back of my hand to my flushed face. Was I ever not beat red around this guy? "Yes, yes it was," he purred his voice velvet with the hit of amusement. "Especially when you got super turned on and almost squeezed my di--" Flinging myself across the table, I covered my hand over his mouth.

  "If I agree to your terms will you never speak of that again." My voice was a hiss as I looked around the nearly empty diner making sure no one could hear us.

  The thing was there was no denying the fact that maybe my head didn't like Fred but my body sure did. Even now, just thinking of his lips pressed against my hand under my hold had me flustered and shaking. I felt Fred's lips turn up in a smile against my skin. He's shooked his head fluently, never breaking eye contact with me. I sunk back into my seat mentally and physically exhausted. What have I done now?

  "So my place or yours?" He asked with a wicked grin.

  =================

  20 I came to the conclusion that I wasn't sleeping with Fred. Not tonight, if ever.

  I walked past Fred, who stepped aside to let me into his apartment. I felt like I was walking into the middle of a set up. I peaked around every corner as if something was going to jump out at me. Shoving my hands into the front pockets of my jeans, I slowly turned a one-eighty to see him toss his keys on a little black table. He looked back at me and shifted uncomfortably from one foot to another. Unwelcomed nervous laughter bubbled up in my chest. It was rather amusing to see a cocky, self assured guy like Fred uncomfortable.

  He raised both eyebrows at my sudden giddiness and after a few beats joined in, running a hand through his golden hair. "Do you want something to drink?" He asked, dropping his hands to his sides. His tone was wavering and his eyes wandered around his apartment as if the white walls were decorated with art. The air was so tense that I almost bolted around him and out the door.

  His eyes wouldn't fully meet mine. I knew this was as new for him as it was for me but after coming to the conclusion on the even more awkward drive to his place that I wasn't going to sleep with him, I felt like I sort of had the upper hand.

  "Do you have tea?" I asked looking up at him through my lashing and tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I played with the ends crossing and uncrossing my legs while I stood a few feet away from him. Nodding, he walked into to the decent sized kitchen and opened a pale brown cabinet, wood that almost looked yellow from the sun, and pulled out a box of tea packets.

  "Cold or hot?" He asked from the sink.

  "Hot, please."

  While he was kept busy filling two mugs with hot water I explored my surroundings. Fred's apartment was nice. Nicer than what I thought he would have. He didn't seem like the leather couch, steel kitchen appliance type of guy, but that was exactly what he had. I don't know what I expected. Maybe I pictured a worn-out couch and Xbox camped in front of an old boxed tv.

  If I remembered right, he wasn't taking help from his father, which means he was making good money on his own.

  "Where did you say you worked?" I asked while studying a few dvd cases left out on the book case. Surely, I had asked him before. Hadn't I?

  Clatters from drawers and cups bumping together brought my attention back to the kitchen to find Fred walking towards me with a steaming mug in his hand. "I work out of home," he said passing the mug to me and slowly taking a sip of his own. I watched his lips curl over the porcelain white rim as he drank.

  Snapping myself out of starring at him, I brought mine to my lips and couldn't ignore the fact that he watched mine too.

  It was so strange to have a boy pay this type of attention to me. Even though I didn't want anything to happen between us at the moment I couldn't help but lick my lips after swallowing the hot liquid. "What do you do?" I asked him again.

  "I put stuff up online and people
buy it. It's a growing business."

  "A businessman. How posh. Your father must be glad you share the same occupation as him." I wrapped my hands

  around my mug and blew at the surface to cool it down. The temperature from his gaze chilled me to the bone though. "My job is nothing like his," Fred hissed setting his glass down on the coffee table. "Enough with the twenty questions." He reached over and took my barely touched tea from my hands and set it next to his on the table.

  He started towards me but I put my hands up and took a step back.

  "What's the rush?" I tried to keep the panic out of my voice the best I could. I put myself here, now I had to get myself out. Honestly, I wanted Fred. Just not the way he wanted me.

  "No games, Anna" he warned.

  "Can't we just talk?"

  "We talk all the time. In fact I hate talking to you. You're smarter than you look and that puts you at an advantage. I don't talk. Now let me touch you." He reached forward again but I clasped both of his hands in mine and looked him straight on.

  He must have seen the conviction in my eyes because his head edged back an inch and his eyes softened slightly. The dark irises of his clashed with my light ones and for a second I swear I saw doubt flash across his, doubt that he should be here with me. I didn't want him to not want me. I wanted him to want more than just some "fun". I wanted him to actually feel what I was beginning to feel for him.

  "I don't want to have sex tonight," I confessed, lightly squeezing his hands in mine. For some strange reason I felt shame for not wanting to. Here was an extremely attractive man who was willing to touch me, to make me feel something that no one has ever volunteered

  to make me feel, but I wasn't shallow. A pretty face was just that, a pretty face.

  Fred sighed and took another step away from me but instead of letting him get the distance he always strived for, I took a step forward, keeping the same distance between us. I could practically read his mind. Then why did you let me Annang you here? Why did you get my hopes up? Why can't you be as easy as the rest of them so we could get on our merry way? "I'm sorry," I whispered. I let go of Fred's hands and took a deep breath. I don't know why I was apologizing. It was just a habit that was hard to break when I felt like the other person was in some way upset because of me.

  "Don't apologize." His eyes seared into mine.

  "Sorry," I said before catching myself. Fred narrowed his eyes at me and gave me a warning look. "Sorry," I stage whispered, meaning to say it in my head but he heard me.

  "Dammit, Anna, stop apologizing." He sighed stepping back, finally getting the space between us that he wanted. "I should have listened," he said.

  I gave him a confused looking not knowing what he was talking about. I did somewhat agree to this back at the diner. "You told me to never touch you again," he clarified.

  I continued to look at him like he was speaking Russian instead of English.

  "Earlier today when we were biting each other's heads off in the damned street. You told me to leave you alone and to fück off." Wow, that was only a few hours ago? Seemed like weeks. Time did strange things when it involved Fred.

  "I should have listened and

  not pushed," he rambled, now walking back to his kitchen. He dumped the content out of our mugs and washed it down the drain. I stood deflated and unexpectedly sad a few yards from him, now looking outside the two joined windows and out into the heart of the city. Cars dashed the blackened streets, cutting through the night like knives. It seemed like a battlefield out there while Fred's apartment appeared as a safe haven at the moment.

  I didn't want to leave.

  "I'll just go," I said maneuvering myself around the couch and towards the door.

  "Wait."

  I turned halfway to face him to see his hand frozen in the air reaching for me. He quickly dropped it back to his side and shoved both hands into his pants, standing in the stance that he normally appeared to be in.

  "You don't have to leave. It's late. Taxi's will be impossible to get at this hour and I don't plan on driving you home." Surprised, I turned fully towards him. Was he aware of what he was saying? He admitted that he hated people staying at his place, that it made him uncomfortable and he didn't appreciate being uncomfortable in his own home.

  Realization hit me like a freaking bus: He was lonely.

  Maybe he was just as lonely as me. We both craved something we wouldn't allow ourselves to have.

  "I would offer you the couch but it's not as comfy as it looks. We've shared a bed before, don't see why you would object now." His mouth then turned up in a smirk and his eyes shone Annaghtly. "Unless you're scared."

  "Scared? Of you?" I scoffed. "No, way."

  "Prove it then, Raine."

  That certain smirk that only Fred could do appeared again. He took his hands out of his pockets and crossed them over his broad chest. I looked around the room until my eyes stopped on the coffee table which set before the couch. I clapped my hands together once and skipped over to the couch. Once seated I motioned for Fred to do the same.

  Cautiously, as if I've lost my mind, he sat beside me on the couch, keeping at least a foot between us. "How do you feel about a good ol' game of checkers?"

  The smile dropped from Fred's face. "Checkers? What the hell, Anna..."

  "Don't shut it down just yet," I said standing up and walking over to the bookshelf. I reached up high to get the box set on the highest shelf. Fixing my shirt that creeped up a little over my hips, I walked back and set it on the table.

  "If you win, which I can assure you, you won't, we watch one of your stupid action movies. If I win, we watch Elf." That seemed reasonable to me, right?

  "Elf?" Fred chided giving me a look. "It's the middle of October, Anna, we're not watching a Christmas movie."

  "Then I guess you should strategize to win, Montgomery. Because I promise you, I am rather kickass at checkers." I opened the board and grabbed all the reds because those were my favorite chips to play. * * * * *

  "You cheated," Fred claimed, side eyeing me while I put the board and circular chips back into the box.

  "I told you I was good," I taunted. I grabbed the box and went to stand up but Fred beat me to it, grabbing the box and easily placing it on the highest shelf.

  "Cocky much?"

  "Says the biggest cocky--loser." Shoot, I worded that horribly. I meant to say, Says the guy with the biggest ego, but of course my mouth rambled without my brain catching up.

  "I am told my cockiness is rather large." The evilness of the conversation was ringing clear in his voice and I didn't even have to look over to see the biggest grin on his handsome face. My cheeks flamed with heat of my own embarrassment and, like usual, I couldn't meet his burning gaze. "So," I croaked, clearing my throat harshly. "You can pop in the movie now." "I can pop something else too..."

  Completely ignoring Fred, I settled back into the couch and watched the tv intently until the screen came to life and Will Ferrell appeared in yellow tights. =================

  21

  The night was cold. Too cold.

  I reached for the blanket that had slipped from my shoulders during the night to pull it up over my shivering body but, to my surprise, it wasn't there.

  I sat up in bed confused and noticed that I wasn't in Fred's apartment. Panic filled me to see that Fred was nowhere in sight.

  Another shiver ran through me.

  Voices. Voices rang through the thin walls I was barricaded by. The screeching voice was so familiar that I felt my heart jump into my throat. No, she wasn't here. This was a dream. I had to wake up. Dammit Annaanna, WAKE UP. I pinch myself until I was sure I drew blood. When that didn't work, I scurried over to my old closet and locked myself in it. I gripped the gold doorknob until my fingers felt like they were going to fall off.

  The screech came closer. "Where are you?!" I covered my ears with my hands, smashing them to the sides of my face as hard as I could. There was a few seconds of silence but that didn't l
ast long. The woman's screams flew through the flimsy door. She ripped it open with such force that I had to catch myself from falling onto the floor face first.

  She pulled me up by my hair off the wooden floor. I could feel her fingernails digging into the back of my neck. I wanted to cry out but my body was so shocked that nothing left my throat. "You think you can do whatever you God damned want? When I call for you, answer, do you understand me you little brat?" She started dragging me out of my old childhood bedroom by my arm, her dirty nails piercing my skin.

  Her blue eyes were bloodshot and her hair uncombed. Her breath reeked of bitter liquor as she continued to bark insults at me. I dug my heels into the hard wooden floor boards doing whatever I could to make her stop. She was hurting me. Nothing I said would make her grip loosen.

  "This is all your fault!" My mother spat in my face. "If you didn't come along, he would still be here. I would be happy."

  I felt the tears running down my face. All I wanted was her to be happy. For her to take me to the park like the rest of the kids in town. To sit me on her lap while we swung on the swings, smiling and laughing. That's all I wanted.

  Her small features that used to once be pretty were now dark and bitter. I did that to her. Someone I never see except when she wanted to see me, was blaming me for her life's problem. It was all my fault.

  All I wanted was my uncle Pat. Where was he?

  A scream built up in my chest as I saw her hand raise in the air and come down on me.

  Instead of Pat running around the corner like I remember, Fred showed up, looking at my crippled figure laying on the floor. His eyes showed pity as he said my name but his voice was muffled as if he was standing in a tunnel and I was at the other end.

  My mother's eyes landed on the golden angel who made the room suddenly feel not so dim. Her thin lips pulled up in hatred and her hand went for the butcher knife on the counter. I screamed more, commanding Fred to move but he just looked at me with confusion on his face. Oh please, leave. Please, Fred. Run!

  I screamed once again hoping someone would hear me and come help him. He wore his everyday grey hoodie and dark jeans. He looked so beautiful in such an ugly surrounding. Like a flame of a candle before someone blew it out. His eyes shown that light.