Fighting Blind

by C. M. Seabrook

  I blink and then he’s gone.

  “You ready to go, baby girl?” I ask, lifting her from the swing.

  “No.” Despite her protest, she sticks her thumb in her mouth and lays her head on my shoulder.

  It’s already past her normal naptime, and by the time we reach the apartment, she’s deadweight in my arms.

  She’s getting so big. It amazes me how much she changes day to day. Two more years and she’ll start kindergarten.

  An uneasy feeling forms in my gut. Starting school means a stable home, new identities. I don’t have money for either. It’s still two years away, but it might as well be tomorrow. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. Any of it.

  At Theo’s building, it’s a nightmare trying to juggle Logan, while at the same time getting the key in the lock and tapping the code before the alarm goes off.

  The crunch of tires on gravel behind me makes my heart pump harder, but even when I hear the car door slam, I can’t get the goddamn key in the lock.

  “You look like you need a hand,” a woman says behind me.

  I freeze at the familiar voice.

  Shit, shit, shit.

  I can’t do this. Not now. Not with Logan in my arms. But she’s already seen me, and I can hear her footsteps getting closer.

  “Are you looking for Theo?” she asks, now only a few feet away.

  I can’t hide from her.

  Slowly, I turn, meeting Theo’s mom’s stunned gaze.

  “Mackenzie?” Her brows draw down and her eyes mist over. Her gaze flickers to Logan, then back to me. It only takes her a few seconds to recover. She clears her throat. “When did you get back?”

  She’s in her high fifties, but the woman is as beautiful as ever. Her dark, curly hair hangs past her shoulders. Brown eyes, the same color as Theo and Logan’s, watch me with mixed emotions.

  “Hi, Clair,” I say softly, looking away. I can’t stand seeing the hurt in her eyes.

  She’s been more of a mother to me than my own, and I hate myself for betraying her.

  “Does Theo know you’re here?” Her voice is calm, steady, like she’s talking to a stray animal.

  “He’s letting me stay in the extra apartment for a couple weeks. Until–” Until what? I have no idea what I’m going to do, or how I’m going to get the money to leave.

  Clair reaches a hand out and places it on my cheek. “I’ve missed you.”

  God, I’ve missed her too. Her and Theo are the only real family I’ve ever known, and I fucked it up.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, still unable to look at her.

  “I guess that explains why I haven’t heard from him in a couple of weeks.” Her gaze drifts back down to Logan, who stirs in my arms. “And who is this?”

  I don’t know why, but her question breaks me. Tears prick the backs of my eyes and my throat feels like it’s going to close.

  “Let’s go inside,” she says, tapping in the code and opening the door. “I’ll make us a cup of tea.”

  I should say no. Tell her I’m tired. But I don’t. Her kindness zaps what little strength I have left.

  “All right.”

  Clair smiles and I notice that she has the same dimple in her chin as Theo and Logan. People always comment on how much Logan looks like me, but standing here with Clair, I realize how much she resembles her grandmother.

  I have to clench my teeth and blink hard not to let the tears that have formed fall.

  Inside, I lay Logan down on her bed, and try to collect myself before going out to face Theo’s mom.

  “Is she his?” Clair asks, when I come into the kitchen. “Is she Theo’s?”

  My heart drops into my stomach and I’m pretty sure I stop breathing.

  She leans against the counter, hands steepled at her mouth, studying me.

  When I don’t answer right away, her eyes close and she inhales a long, slow breath. I can’t lie to her. I’ve never been able to.

  “How did you know?” I ask, rubbing my arms, feeling suddenly cold.

  “She’s the spitting image of him. How could I not?”

  “You can’t tell him.” I’m panicking now. The two weeks I thought I had, disappear before my eyes. He’ll never let me go if he finds out.

  No, that’s not true. He’ll want me gone, but I know he’ll never let Logan go.

  “He doesn’t know?” I hear the disbelief in her voice.

  “He doesn’t remember. I was just one night. He was...” I swallow hard, knowing I’m about to admit that I took advantage of her son. “He was drunk. I made a huge mistake.”

  Silence hangs heavy between us.

  My skin is ice and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. I wait for her to yell at me. To berate me. Anything other than the deafening silence and pain I see in her eyes.

  I blink back tears, knowing there’s nothing I can say to make this right.

  “Why did you run?” Her voice is once again an even, calm tone, meant to mollify. But I’m not sure who she’s trying to placate, me or herself.

  “You know why.”

  “No Mackenzie.” She looks at me sternly, and there’s a sharper edge to her voice. “For the life of me, I can’t think of one single reason why you’d keep this from me, from Theo.” Her face goes pale. “Did he hurt you?”

  “No.”

  “Then why?”

  I wrap my arms around my chest and swallow hard. The tears I’ve been holding fall down my cheeks. I don’t even try to wipe them away.

  “You know what he would’ve done if I told him.”

  “He would’ve done the right thing.”

  “Exactly.” I throw up my hands. I can barely breathe now.

  Clair walks towards me and places her hands on my shoulders. “Would that have been so bad?”

  “Yes.” I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. “I couldn’t…I can’t ask that of him. It’s more complicated…I…I did things. It’s not safe for me to stay here.”

  “If you’re in trouble, I can help. Theo will–”

  “No.” I pull away. “It’s my problem. I don’t want him involved.”

  “He deserves to know.” She places her hand under my chin, forcing me to look at her. “That little girl deserves to know her father. Her grandmother.”

  I know she’s right.

  “He’ll never forgive me.”

  “You’re wrong.” She smiles sadly.

  I want to believe her. Want to believe that someone like me can have their happily ever after. But I know it’ll never happen.

  Chapter 11

  Theo

  I sweep Moody’s leg, and he drops to the mat hard. Two hundred and twenty pounds of pure muscle doesn’t fall gracefully, and he curses, before locking my leg with his ankles, unbalancing me.

  I let him bring me down. The ground is where I want to be. It’s my comfort zone. Where I win most of my fights.

  Adrenaline races through my veins, edging me on, making my vision clearer. I know Moody’s next move even before he does. He grapples with me, using his weight to pin me to the ground.

  He’s wasting energy, and I let him. Patiently I wait, until I feel the slight give in his hold. One square shot to the jaw, and I stun him enough to twist my body, contorting until I have him in a tight triangle choke.

  “Bastard,” he sputters, just before tapping.

  I release him, and we both lay on our backs panting.

  “One more go?” I ask, with a smirk. I’ve won the last five out of six.

  “Yeah.” Moody stands and cracks his neck. “One more round. I’m meeting Izzy over at Charlie’s around seven.”

  I raise my eyebrows at him. “Izzy? As in Isabelle Stewart?”

  He shrugs, and taps my gloves, then starts circling me.

  “I thought she left for some third world country. A mission trip or something?”

  “Doctors without borders.” He throws a punch and I dodge it. “She’s back now.”

  Catching him with a knee to the kidne
y, I use the momentum and slam my fist into his jaw, making him stumble backwards.

  “Fuck.” He loses his cool, and comes at me with an uppercut that clips my chin.

  He’s stronger, but I’m lighter on my feet, and I’m able to duck under his arm when he comes in for another blow.

  “So are you two going to hook up?”

  A low grumbling comes from Moody’s chest. “Fuck if I know. The girl’s too good for me.”

  “No shit.”

  Moody laughs arrogantly. “Not that I couldn’t show her a good time. I’d have her on her knees begging for my cock in her mouth before–”

  A feminine cough makes me turn my head.

  Shit. Mackenzie.

  With my attention diverted, I barely see Moody’s glove before it slams into the right side of my face. It must have been a hard shot, because my knees buckle and I black out.

  Both Moody and Mac are hovering over me when I regain my senses.

  “Dirty shot, asshole.” I grab his glove and let him pull me up.

  Moody chuckles and slaps my back. “He’ll be all right.”

  “Are you sure?” Mac chews on her bottom lip, eyes wide. She never did like watching me fight.

  Her hair is pulled away from her face, exposing the soft lines of her jaw and neck. So fucking perfect. I’ve jerked off a half dozen times in the past two days, but nothing eases the constant ache between my legs.

  “Theo?” Her lips draw down in a frown.

  “Maybe I hit him harder than I thought.” Moody smirks at me, one brow raised.

  “Five out of seven,” I remind him.

  “Yeah but I got the TKO.” He shrugs and chuckles. “Maybe tonight’s looking lucky after all.”

  When he walks by Mac, he winks and her cheeks go pink.

  I can still hear his deep laugh even after he’s disappeared into the change room.

  “Asshole,” I mutter, pulling my gloves off.

  “You’re sure you’re fine?” Mac runs the tips of her fingers across my temple.

  I inhale, slow and easy, fearful any sudden movement will startle her. It’s the first intimate gesture she’s initiated, and it means something.

  Hell. It means fucking everything.

  For that second, her walls drop, and I swear I can see into her soul. The same desperate hunger, mirrored in her eyes.

  She drops her hand and looks away, breaking the connection.

  “Where’s Logan?” I frown down at her, suddenly uneasy. She wouldn’t leave the kid unless something was wrong.

  “Your…” She swallows hard, and takes a deep breath before continuing. “Your mom came by. She’s watching her.”

  Shit. My mom is going to be pissed that I didn’t call her to let her know about Mac.

  “I didn’t realize she was stopping by. I would’ve warned you.”

  “It’s okay.” She takes a step back and leans against the cage, arms crossed over her chest.

  She’s wearing the same ratted old sweatshirt she always wears, same torn jeans. I need to take her out, buy her some new clothes.

  “It was good seeing her.” She chews on her bottom lip, a flood of emotions skittering across her face.

  I move towards her, bridging the gap between us. “I’m sure she feels the same way.”

  Mac looks down at my bare chest, then quickly away.

  “What’s going on?” I tilt my head and raise my eyebrows, trying to get her to look at me.

  “I…” She takes a deep breath and picks at the thread on her sweatshirt.

  She’s making me nervous with her fidgeting.

  The gym is still crowded, and I know there are eyes on us, but I don’t give a shit. Ignoring her small protest, I pull her into my arms, and kiss her.

  A small shuddering breath vibrates against my mouth. I know she feels something for me. Even if it’s just a tenth of what I feel, I’ll take it.

  “Stop fighting this.” I rest my forehead against her, drawing my thumb over her bottom lip. “Stop fighting me.”

  “I can’t.” She pushes on my chest and starts towards the cage door.

  “Mac, stop.” The words come out more forceful than I intended, but I’m tired of her constantly running away. “Can’t what? What can’t you do?”

  She freezes with her back to me.

  I catch a few raised eyebrows from the other guys in the gym.

  “Can’t do what, Mac?” I repeat, this time more evenly. “What are you scared of?”

  “Everything.” The word is barely a whisper, not meant for my ears, but I hear it.

  “The Mackenzie I know isn’t afraid of anything.” I circle around her, blocking her exit.

  “People change.” She glances over my shoulder, eyes darting around the gym.

  “Maybe. Or maybe they just forget who they really are.”

  She looks at me and her eyes narrow. “I’m a screw up, Theo. Always have been. How many times have you bailed me out of trouble? You think this is any different? I need money and a place to stay. That’s the only reason I’m here.”

  “Bullshit.” Her words are like a knife to my heart, but I know she’s striking out because she’s scared. I can see it in her eyes.

  “God, you’re so blind.” She pushes on my chest, her face red, eyes watery. “I’m not who you think I am. Maybe I never was.” She pushes me again. “I’ll never be that girl.”

  “Hit me if it makes you feel better, but I’m not going anywhere. You don’t run away from the people who care about you, the people who love you.”

  Her face goes pale and she drops her hands to her side. I swear she looks like she’s about to pass out, so I reach out and grasp her elbows, steadying her.

  “Don’t tell me I don’t know who you are. Maybe I know you better than you know yourself.”

  Her mouth tightens in a thin line and her jaw clenches. I can tell she’s trying not to cry.

  “Come here,” I take her hand, pulling her to the mat with me.

  She gasps and fights me when I roll, so that she’s pinned beneath me.

  “What are you doing?” Her voice is pitched. She pushes on my chest, but I keep her trapped.

  “Do you remember why I started fighting?”

  She glares up at me. “When your dad left.”

  “Yeah. I started picking fights with kids at school. I thought my mom was nuts signing me up for martial arts, but she was right, it helped channel the anger.”

  “I’m not angry.” She squirms under me, making my cock jump to attention.

  “Maybe not, but something is scaring the shit out of you. Even if you never have to use it, it helps to know you have the power if you need it.”

  She tilts her chin up and closes her eyes. “Everyone is watching.”

  “They’re doing their own thing,” I lie, knowing there are a half dozen eyes on us. “Just a few moves. Something basic. Humor me.”

  “Then you’ll let me go?”

  “I’ll never let you go, Mac,” I say, completely serious.

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Fine,” she sighs.

  It’s a small victory, but to me it’s huge.

  With my right arm pinned against her chest, I grip her throat gently, but just enough to see the alarm in her eyes. She starts twisting, wriggling beneath me, pushing on my chest.

  I’ve hit a nerve, but she needs to fight through the panic.

  “Don’t waste your energy. I’m bigger than you. You’ll never get me off using just your strength. You need to think, be smart.”

  She goes still beneath me. Her breathing quickens when I lower my head, so that our lips are only a few inches apart.

  “You want to use your leverage. With your right hand, grab my wrist. With your other hand, cup my elbow.” I wait until she does what I say. “Good. Now trap my foot with yours, so that everything on the right side of my body is controlled.”

  “This isn’t going to work. You’re too big.”

&nb
sp; “You have no idea,” I murmur in her ear.

  She mumbles and shakes her head. “This is so embarrassing.”

  “Now, lift your hips.”

  Her hips push against my cock, and I have to stop the moan that threatens to escape.

  “Keep control of my arm and foot and bump me over.”

  In one swift motion, she rolls me over on my back.

  “You let me do that,” she says, smiling.

  “No. You did it. Try again.”

  We spend the next thirty minutes going over the same few moves. Technically, they’re advanced, but Mac picks them up with ease. By the end of it, she’s lying on her back panting, sweat dampening her forehead, and she looks more alive than I’ve seen her since she’s been back.

  I pass her a water bottle, and grin. “You’re a natural.”

  “Right.” She snorts, rolling her eyes. “I should get back. Your mom’s probably wondering where I am.”

  “I doubt it. She loves kids. I’m sure her and Logan are having a blast. You know she’d adopt her as her grandkid if you let her.”

  Mac’s expression changes instantly and her shoulders hunch forward as if she’s had the wind knocked out of her.

  Shit, it’s like walking on fucking eggshells. I never know what’s going to set her off.

  “It was a joke, Mackenzie.”

  She’s gives a halfhearted smile, then quickly looks away. “I need to tell you something.”

  Thank fucking God. I doubt I’m going to be happy about what it is, but at least she’s starting to open up.

  “Okay, but not here.” I place my hand on her lower back, and feel her tremble under my touch as I guide her out of the gym.

  Once upstairs, in the hallway between our apartments, I pull her into my arms and claim her mouth. She responds in full, her body melting against mine.

  The connection between us is strong, despite how hard she tries to fight it.

  My fingers knot in the hair at the nape of her neck, willing her to give herself to me completely. What I want is more than sex, more than just possessing her body. I want every fucking part of her. Her mind, her soul, her heart.

  “Why?” Her question mingles with our kiss.

  I don’t want to pull back, but the confusion I hear in that single word makes me stop.