Long Slow Second Look

by Marilyn Lee

  He ran a hand through his hair and looked annoyed. I knew he'd wrongly assumed I was with a man. Recalling Darkwater's advice, I remained silent.

  "Can I buy you a drink?"

  "I've already had my limit," I said. "I'm tired. I'm going to call it a night." I turned away.

  He caught my arm and turned me back to face him. "Who is he? Is he anyone I know?"

  I shook my head.

  "Is he important to you?"

  "That can't matter to you, John."

  He leaned against the wall as several people alighted from the elevator and walked past. "It does matter, Amber." He sighed suddenly and surprised me by sitting on the floor and staring up at me. "I've just spent the worst five weeks of my life sleeping with women who meant nothing to me while trying to pretend I didn't want or need you. But I did. And I still do." He extended a hand to me. "Put me out of my misery, cher. Give me another chance."

  Hearing the endearment again broke a wellspring of emotion in me. Tears filled my eyes. I whispered his name. "Johnny."

  He rose and took my hand in his. "I'm here with my brother but we have separate rooms. Come with me?"

  I knew I should have said no but I didn't have the strength or will to resist him. I'd felt an aching emptiness since we'd last been together that I could no longer bear. I nodded.

  He led me back to the elevator. His room was ten floors above the one Sherlyn and I shared. Once inside, he opened the closet and drawers to show me they held only male clothes.

  Then he took me in his arms and kissed me.

  His lips felt feverishly hot as they devoured mine and his hands seemed to burn my skin through my clothes as he stroked them down my back to my ass and downward. When he lifted the hem of my dress, I knew if I didn't stop him, I'd end up against the nearest wall with his bare cock buried deep in my pussy.

  I dragged my mouth away from his and pushed against his shoulders until he released me.

  We stared at each other. There was so much I wanted to say but I belatedly decided to take Darkwater's advice and remained silent.

  He gestured towards the sofa.

  I crossed the room and sat down.

  He sat beside me, half-turned to face me.

  I wanted to burrow back in his arms but I didn't. I waited for him to speak.

  "How have you been?"

  I shrugged. "I've had better times."

  "Did you think about me at all, Amber?"

  There was no point in lying. I nodded and turned to look at him. "Probably far more than you did me between all your easy lays."

  He sighed. "There were quite a few of them since we last saw each other."

  I swallowed, feeling wounded. I'd been celibate, hoping and praying he'd seek me out while he'd been sleeping his way from bed to bed. Now he expected me to pretend it didn't hurt to know he'd found comfort in the arms of other women. Struggling to fight back tears, I rose.

  He caught my hand and drew me back down onto the sofa. "They meant nothing to me, Amber. Nothing. Each meaningless encounter only served to illustrate how much I missed and needed you."

  He'd missed me so much he'd done nothing to mend the rift between us.

  I tugged at my hand.

  He retained it and lifted it to his chest, placing it flat over his heart. "I came down here this weekend to clear my head and reconcile myself to…"

  "To what?"

  "To the fact that I need and want you in my life more than I want to remain single."

  My heartbeat increased and I stared at him. "What?"

  "I no longer have any interest in dating or seeing other women. No matter how many times I tried to sleep you out of my system…I find I want you more. I know I've done very little to recommend myself to you, Amber, but I need you to give me another chance to redeem myself."

  How I wanted to shout for joy and toss myself into his arms but I knew I needed to think with my head and not my treacherous heart that longed to forgive him for anything and everything. I drew my hand away. "The last two times we talked, you walked out on me. Now you tell me you've slept with countless other women and I'm supposed to be okay with that?"

  "I know I've been an ass, but I assume you want me to be honest. I'm not admitting it because I want to hurt you. I'm telling you so you'll know I have no desire to be with anyone but you. You're the one my…"

  "I'm the one what?"

  He glanced away and I could see his Adam's apple bobbing. "You're the only one my heart as well as my body wants and needs."

  Oh god. Was that his roundabout way of saying he was in love with me? "What does that mean, John? What are you saying?"

  He shrugged. "That I need you to forgive me and to give me another chance. I won't hurt you again."

  "What's changed?"

  "I have. I know what your requirements are for seeing me and…"

  "And what?"

  "And…" he shrugged and blew out a breath. "And…I'm willing to accept them."

  I felt deflated and uncertain if I should or could believe him. Surely a man in love wouldn't need to hem and haw as much as he just had.

  "Can we start again, Amber? This time I'll do it right. I'll romance you and treat you as you deserve to be treated."

  I sighed. "I don't know. I have to think about it." I rose. "Now I think I'm going to bed."

  "Alone?"

  I stared down at him. "Good night."

  He rose and followed me to the door where he placed his palm on the panel to keep the door shut. "Alone? Are you sleeping alone tonight?"

  "If I decide I want to risk having you trample all over my feelings again, I might answer your question. As of now, I can do just what you've been doing, John, sleep with anyone I please."

  He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the door. "None of those encounters mattered."

  "Maybe I'll tell you later that tonight didn't matter to me."

  He inhaled slowly. "Don't sleep with anyone else. Please."

  "If we hadn’t bumped into each other tonight—"

  "I would have been on the phone to you on Monday. I told you I just came down here to clear my head."

  "And to get in a few more easy lays?"

  "No. I've had my fill of those. Actually, I'd had enough of them before we met."

  "And yet you've had so many in the last five weeks."

  He nodded. "I know, but that was because I was foolishly trying to stave off the inevitable. I mean it when I say I'd had my fill of them before we met. That's why I wanted to get to know you because even then they weren't doing it for me. No matter how many women I slept with, I always knew something important was missing in my life." He caressed my cheek. "I found that missing something when I met you."

  "You can't prove that by me, John."

  He shook his head. "It just took me a few weeks and—"

  "Countless fucks with other women—" I interjected, not caring that I sounded hurt and bitter because I was both.

  "I needed to be sure, Amber," he said quietly. "Now I am."

  "But I'm not. So let's say good night and—"

  "Don't go sleep with anyone else. Please."

  "You don't get to dictate who I sleep with."

  "I'm not dictating. I'm asking…begging you not to. Please don't."

  "How do you think I felt knowing you were sleeping me out of your system, John?"

  "I didn't sleep you out of my system."

  "But you tried."

  "Yes. I did and it was a dismal failure. Does that mean you have to sink to my level?"

  I stared at him and then looked away. While I'd spent my nights in tears, he'd spent his in other women's arms and now he wanted me not to care. "You're blocking the door, John. If you expect me to accept you've been sleeping around, you'll have to accept the same from me."

  He took several deep breaths before he moved away from the door.

  I opened it and was surprised when he didn't follow me out into the corridor. I hurried to the elevator and was relieved w
hen it arrived almost immediately. Ten minutes later, I stumbled into our room and sank down onto the sofa with tears streaming down my face.

  There was no doubt that I wanted to believe everything he said or implied and just fall into his arms. But I didn't dare. Despite his denials, I wasn't sure I believed that the blonde was with his brother.

  Since I'd confided in him about John, Darkwater and I were closer than we'd ever been. I wanted to call him and cry on his shoulder but decided I needed to make my own decisions.

  I undressed, removed my makeup and got into bed. I'd just started to dose when my cell phone rang and the phone announced Darkwater's cell number. I sat up and answered the phone. "Thomas?"

  "Did I wake you?"

  I could hear muted music in the background. "I was just dozing. Where are you?"

  "At a friend's house," he said.

  So he was with a woman.

  "I know it's late but I thought of you and wanted to make sure you're all right."

  I hesitated before deciding it was fate that had made him call. "I'm not sure how I am. John is staying at this hotel."

  He swore. "Are you all right? Do you want me to come?"

  "No. I'm fine. I just…he says he wants only me."

  "And you want his dumbass?"

  "Yes."

  "Then what's the problem?"

  "He's been sleeping around since we last saw each other."

  "That's what most men who can do, Am. From what you tell me, he slept around and came to the conclusion that you're the one he wants. As much as I dislike him, I don't think you should hold that against him—unless you don't believe him."

  "So you'd do the same thing in his place?"

  "Probably."

  "You think I should—"

  "I think you should do what feels right for you. You know I don’t like him because he hurt you, but if you love him, you love him. If you think he's sincere, and he'd better be, or he's going to get his ass kicked, follow your heart."

  "I want to believe him."

  "Sleep on it and make your decision. If you need me, call me and I'll come as soon as I can."

  "Thomas, who are you talking to?"

  Hearing the unmistakable island accent, I was surprised. "Who is that? She doesn't sound Caucasian."

  "She isn't he," he said before raising his voice to address the woman. "Give me a few minutes. It's my sister." He lowered his voice and spoke to me again. "Do you want me to come? I can be down there in about two and a half hours."

  "And interrupt you just as you've realized that other women besides blondes are worth a second look?"

  He laughed. "It's not what you think. Call me if you need me."

  "I will. Thanks."

  "No thanks necessary, Am. It's what big brothers do."

  "I love you."

  He was silent for so long I thought he'd put me on hold. "Damn, Am. I never thought I'd hear you say that. I love you too, honey. I always have."

  Strangely, after talking to him, I felt better. I laid in bed and fell asleep. In the morning, I woke determined to give John the benefit of the doubt. I knew I was risking getting really hurt, but my heart and emotions would allow no other decision.

  Sherlyn was still sleeping when I came out of the shower. I texted her I was going down to walk along the boardwalk. I wanted to be alone before deciding if I wanted to seek John out or wait until he sought me out.

  He was in the lobby when I stepped out of the elevator. "John! Hi."

  He smiled and any remaining doubts disappeared. "Hi. Will you join me for breakfast?"

  "I was going to walk on the boardwalk."

  He offered his arm. "I'll walk with you."

  "I was going to decide what if anything to do about you," I said.

  "Great. I'll do my best to influence you to forgive me every step of the way."

  I smiled and slipped my arm through his. "Just so you know I'm inclined to let you have your way with me."

  He kissed my ear. "Things will be different this time."

  I drew away to meet his gaze. "How?"

  "This time I know I'm miserable without you and I'll behave accordingly."

  I believed him. I smiled. "Handsome and intelligent. I think I might keep you."

  "Please do."

  Chapter Ten

  Amber

  We walked along the boardwalk in silence. I felt content and happy. Each time I glanced at him, I found him looking at me. When we turned back, he asked me to have breakfast with him in his hotel room. I knew that despite his promise to romance me first, he wanted to fuck me. But that was okay because I wanted that too.

  I texted Sher to tell her I was with John and would call her later. Then we went to his hotel room and ordered room service. While we pushed the food around on the plates, I kept waiting for him to ask me if I'd slept alone the previous night. He didn't.

  I put my fork down and pushed my plate away. "Where are we going from here, John?"

  "In the short term?"

  I nodded.

  He glanced over his shoulder. "To bed."

  I deliberately dragged the tip of my tongue over my lips. "Haven't you been there enough lately?"

  "Not with you and the others don't count."

  I still wasn't sure I could believe him. "Where are we going in the long term?"

  He smiled. "To bed on a regular basis."

  I shook my head. "This is a serious discussion for me, John."

  "I know and it's serious for me as well. Nothing is off the table, Amber."

  I liked it better when he called me cher. "Nothing?"

  "Nothing."

  "What does nothing include?"

  "Marriage," he said after a long pause. "And kids."

  I took a deep, calming breath. "Marriage and kids? Are you sure?"

  "I'm sure I don't want either one," he said, shocking me.

  I stared at him, feeling as if he'd stabbed me straight in the heart.

  He reached across the table to clutch my hand. "But I'm even surer that I'll give both my best effort to keep you in my life. No. I don't want to remarry. No. I don't want to start all over raising kids again. But yes, I want and need you. And yes, I want to give you what you want and need from me. I want to make you happy."

  I was only slightly appeased. "What kind of relationship can we have when I know you don't want the things that are important to me?"

  "I'll let you in on a little secret. I never wanted to be married or to have kids. I got married to please Julie. I had kids to please her. And I didn't want or need her nearly as much as I do you. Although I never wanted to be a father, once she got pregnant, I was fully on board. I love my son and daughter with all my heart. If we have kids, I promise you I'll love and cherish them as much as I do my other two."

  He squeezed my hand. "I never cheated on Julie and I damn sure won't cheat on you. I'll treat you with even more consideration and respect than I did her because my feelings for you run far deeper than mine for her ever did and I know how miserable I'd be without you."

  His statement would have meant more to me had he loved Julie.

  "Does that ease your concerns any?"

  My main concern was that I was in love alone and that if I ended up pregnant he'd resent our child and me because he'd have to get married and play dad again. "I don't know. I think I need some time to consider my options."

  He compressed his lips. "What options?"

  I pulled my hand free. "You ask that as if you don’t think I have any."

  "That's not what I meant and I think you know that. Why the hell do you insist on putting the worse possible spin on everything I say?"

  "If you believe that, what are we doing here?"

  "I know why I'm here. Why are you here? Because you want to get married to someone at some point and I just might do? Because you're horny and we're sexually compatible? Or because you're in love with me?"

  I inhaled quickly. I was in no mood to admit I was in love with a man who didn't want
to marry me or have kids with me.

  He slumped back against his chair. "So what do you feel for me, Amber?"

  "What do you feel for me, John, besides sexual attraction?"

  "How many damn times do I have to tell you this is and never has been strictly about sexual attraction before you believe me?"

  "Maybe I'd have an easier time doing that if you stopped telling me what it isn't about and tell me what it is about!"

  He narrowed his gaze. "What do you want me to say? That I'm in love with you?"

  "Are you?"

  "If our relationship progresses as I hope it will, I'll propose and I'll be as good a husband as I know how to be and a supportive and loving father to any children we have."

  "And why would you do those things?"

  "I told you. I need and want you and I want to make you happy."

  "Why?"

  "Why what, Amber?"

  "Why do you want to make me happy?"

  "Because I need and want you."

  But he clearly wasn't in love with me.

  "Isn't that enough?"

  When I was in love with him? No. It wasn't.

  "I told you I'd give you anything you want within reason. Hell, I'll give you anything I can afford—even if it's not within reason. You have my promise of fidelity. I've put marriage and kids on the table. What the hell more do you want from me?"

  Love! I rose. "I need to consider my options."

  "Do they include the man you spend the night with?"

  "Does that bother you?"

  "You know damn well it does. What the hell are you doing, Amber? You once told me that we could talk again once marriage and kids were on the table. Well now they are and you still want to give me some shit? What's wrong with you? You must feel what I feel. If you do, you know we belong together. Why are you erecting unnecessary roadblocks between us?"

  "I have to protect myself, John."

  "From what?" He gripped my hand and drew me protesting close enough so that he could pull me down onto his lap. He put his arms around me and buried his face against my neck. "I am not going to hurt you! I'll give you anything you want. What more can I say to please you?"

  I drew away from his lips and turned to look at him. "Are you in love with me, John?"

  He watched me with a shuttered look in his dark gaze. "I don't know that I've ever been in love," he said after a long silence.