Cross My Heart

by A. M. Hartnett

  Ryan shook his head as he straightened up, and then sighed. ‘I know arguing with you isn’t going to get me my way, so let’s do it your way. I don’t have any bubbles, though.’

  ‘Then we’ll just have to go down to my place, won’t we?’

  She saw the smile make its way from the dimpling in his chin to the corners of his eyes, and he laughed as he shimmied against her.

  An hour later they had put the bedroom back together. Evie crept down the stairs to her apartment and ran the bath. She wanted to give Ryan a few minutes to himself, and she needed them desperately.

  A fuck-up indeed. She was shaken about the fight, about David’s rough hands closing against her scalp and his cock driving into her throat, and she was angry.

  Unlike Ryan, she didn’t blame herself or him. She blamed David. They’d invited him into their home, into their bed, and he was a total shit. That had nothing to do with either of them. He could have been a pussycat and instead of drizzling peachy bubble bath into her tub, Evie could be squirming between the man she loved and an exciting stranger.

  She’d have her moments over the next few days and she’d get over it, but she knew Ryan well enough to know he’d simmer for much longer.

  Without waiting for him or the bathwater, Evie stripped down and climbed into the froth. After another moment, Ryan leaned in the doorway.

  Looking up at him, Evie cringed. ‘You’ve got a shiner.’

  ‘I’ll probably have a bruise on my jaw, too.’

  He stripped off his shirt, then leaned into the mirror to give himself a better look. She was sure he avoided his own gaze and it made her ache. She scooted towards the faucet, then gave him a splash.

  His smile returned and he stripped off his jogging shorts. With a groan he eased down behind her.

  ‘Have we done this before?’ he asked, shuffling until he reclined against the bath pillow and Evie was settled against his chest.

  ‘I don’t think so. I’m surprised we could fit.’

  ‘Why? You’re tiny, and I’m skinny.’

  ‘You’re not skinny, and I’m not tiny.’

  ‘Are you saying we’re out of shape?’ He ran a slippery hand over her ribs and squeezed her breast. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘I’m voluptuous in all the best places, and you’re not some beanpole.’ She plucked her sponge from the bath caddy and dunked it into the suds. ‘I honestly didn’t think you could hold your own in a fight. You’re such a pacifist.’

  ‘For you, I’d fight.’

  The warmth in his words filled her, and she felt a little guilty that he had a reason to say them.

  Ryan swept his arms around her and kissed her neck, then captured the sponge before whispering into her ear, ‘I don’t want to talk about it right now.’

  ‘OK,’ she whispered back, and closed her eyes as he dripped warm foamy water over her shoulders. ‘We should have done this before. It’s nice in here.’

  ‘We should do it again,’ he muttered, and leaving the sponge to bob on the surface he wrapped his arms around her.

  It was a lovely aftermath to such a terrible night. Even with the door open, the bathroom felt like a safe little haven far away from the world. She could have stayed there all night, just closed her eyes and enjoyed the calm of the water dripping and the swell of Ryan’s chest as he slowly breathed in and out. All the while she held his hand in hers, until they were both pruny from the water.

  He broke the silence with a chuckle. ‘When someone asks me at work what happened to my face, I’m going to tell them I ate your caramel eggs and you took a swing at me.’

  She giggled. ‘I must pack a mean punch.’

  ‘Nah, you missed when I ducked, tripped and landed on my face.’

  ‘That’s a good story.’ She leaned forward and twisted around. ‘It’s starting to cool off. Want me to add more hot or do you want to get out?’

  ‘Let’s get out. It’s been a while since I’ve slept down here and made fun of your fuzzy socks.’

  Evie got out first, wrapped her bath towel around her shoulders and offered her hand. He took it, but resisted her attempt to pull him up. She thought he was joking with her and giggled as she gave his hand a yank, but he held tight and she caught the seriousness setting into his features.

  ‘Evie, I don’t want to do that again. I mean it.’

  Her first inclination was to argue with him and tell him that they just needed a few days to breathe, but she could see that an argument was the last thing he needed tonight. She nodded, and when she pulled again he rose from the water and stepped into her outstretched arms.

  Chapter Eight

  Evie sat at the kitchen counter with the contents of her makeup bag laid out in front of her. Staring down at the neatly arranged collection of foundations, lipsticks and eye-shadow pots, she had little motivation to put on her face, even her tame work face. The dishes remained unwashed and she hadn’t bothered to wipe down the sink after using it.

  After last night’s failure she had no motivation to do much of anything. She didn’t want to get dressed and she didn’t want to go to work, where she would have to smile and be cheerful as she took a group of tourists from Texas around the legislature and answered questions about the government and the bloody queen. She wanted to dive back into bed and binge-watch movies until Ryan came home.

  When Ryan hauled himself out of bed, Evie had already been awake but she didn’t let on. Their last moments in bed together were as silent as their first: after the disaster with David, they’d gone to bed together but didn’t talk themselves to sleep like they normally did, nor did they go to sleep straightaway. Evie lay awake until – well, the clock read the godawful hour of three when she last looked, and though Ryan slept before she did, it wasn’t for long. She could tell by his breathing and the slight tension of his back resting against hers that he was awake and she wanted to say something, but she knew better. Ryan was angry, and even if it wasn’t with her it was enough for her to think twice about trying to coddle him.

  At least he’d come back to the bed before he left and kissed her shoulder like he did every morning when he rose before she did. Once she heard the door shut behind him, she pushed the covers off her and got out of bed.

  She still blamed David, but the bigger picture was whether she and Ryan were making a mistake, or she was making the mistake alone.

  This had been a huge misfire, she thought as she stared at her naked face in the mirror she’d propped up on her cookbook stand. As she’d stared into the darkness last night, she’d wondered where the fault had been hiding. Was it their expectations? Had they built up the scenario so much in their heads that nothing would measure up? Were they just not there yet? Was this even what Ryan wanted, or what she wanted?

  With the fantasy had been excitement. It was easy to get wet at the thought of some faceless body between theirs, strange hands sliding over her hip before they reached past her to Ryan, and gasping as one hard cock was replaced by another before she could even catch her breath.

  And watching Ryan with another man: it had been a surprising thrill the first time it flitted across her mind, and now…

  What if this wasn’t the fulfilment of some fantasy but the beginning of something else entirely? What if she was just the last stop for Ryan before he embraced something he wouldn’t even admit to himself?

  At the thought of losing Ryan, Evie’s vision blurred with tears. She shoved the mirror away, rested her head on her arms and gave herself permission to have a little cry.

  She didn’t want to lose him. She didn’t want to think that she was imagining the way he looked at her sometimes with all the adoration in the world shining in his blue eyes. She didn’t want to think that the things he said to make her blood race, the things he did that gave her so much pleasure she almost cried sometimes, really meant nothing to him.

  With a sniff she pushed away from the table and retreated to the bathroom. She emerged with a face red from the cold water she’d
splashed on her hot cheeks and wandered into her bedroom where her phone was docked by the bed.

  There were already two messages from Ryan. The first read, Good morning, and the second, Are you OK?

  Fresh tears welled up, but they didn’t come with a peppery sting in her sinuses. They were happy tears. His little endearment was enough to at least throw a blanket over her insecurities, and his concern made her heart swell.

  A little off, but I’ll be good.

  She took the phone to the kitchen with her and resumed her place at the table. She pinned her hair out of her face and uncapped her concealer to get to work on those black marks under her eyes. She’d got as far as her eyeliner before a knock interrupted her.

  A wry smile was already set on her face before she opened the door, and she raised her brows at Seth.

  ‘I knew you’d be by.’

  He flashed a crooked grin and held up his toolbox. ‘Because of the note I left under your door yesterday?’

  ‘What note?’ She glanced down, and sighed as she spotted the sheet of paper that had been kicked half under the mat. ‘Sorry. What is it this time?’

  ‘Smoke alarms.’

  He carried on as usual, though Evie could detect the whiff of concern on him as he tested the alarm in the foyer and when he moved into the kitchen.

  Back at the table, she swiped a bit of colour on her lids and glanced at him.

  ‘I wish I was as tall as you,’ she said.

  ‘So you can reach the top shelf?’

  ‘That too. If I was taller, I probably wouldn’t have a problem finding jeans that fit. Everything would be more evenly distributed.’

  Seth laughed and took out the battery, then squatted down in front of his tool box. ‘You’d probably also have to move if you want to be skinny. Ever been able to walk past the German bakery on payday?’

  ‘Nope. You?’

  ‘Not in eight years,’ he said, straightening, and pulled his plaid shirt up on one side, ‘which is why I have more of this than before.’

  As he slapped his hand against his thick flank, Evie wondered, ‘More of what?’ In that flash of skin she saw no love handles, just the movement of ribs under olive skin and a peek of hair dipping beneath his belt buckle.

  ‘You have many more apartments to do?’ she asked.

  ‘Just upstairs.’

  ‘Can I make you a cup of tea?’

  Tearing open a fresh package of batteries, Seth glanced at her. ‘You feel like talking?’

  ‘Not in that way, but I could go for shooting the shit for a half an hour or so.’

  Seth said nothing as he tucked the batteries into the alarm, then shook his head as he reached up to replace it.

  ‘You know I can’t keep my mouth shut, right?’

  ‘Seth –’

  ‘You and Ryan are good people, but you’re the first in a long time I had to get my ass out of bed for.’ He twisted the alarm back into place and looked to her with a wry smile. ‘You got an ex I need to bar from the property?’

  ‘It’s not like that,’ she said quickly, and even though she couldn’t blame him for asking she was still annoyed that he had ignored her warning to back off. She got up from the table quickly and went to the counter.

  ‘Seth, I like you,’ she said, her back to him. ‘You’re a good friend and I like our little chats, but there’s some stuff I’m just going to keep to myself.’

  As she filled the kettle, she listened to him lock his toolbox and then take his seat at her table. When she glanced around, he had her mascara tube and was rolling it between his palms.

  ‘Do I have to worry about Ryan?’

  She collected two cups and brought them back to the table. ‘Meaning?’

  ‘I pitch some asshole out of his apartment in the middle of the night and I’m going to wonder if maybe he’s running his own business.’

  It took Evie another moment to understand what he was asking. She puzzled over it as she grabbed the sugar bowl from the counter and the milk from the fridge, and then laughed as she dropped back down into her seat. How could he make such a mistake? When he walked in, both men were naked and she was too.

  ‘Come on, you think that guy was a dealer?’

  ‘No, I thought he was a customer.’ At her shocked look, Seth raised a brow and set aside the mascara. ‘Ryan’s got access.’

  She shook her head and leaned back, arm slung over the edge of the chair. She wouldn’t say his expression was unconvinced, but there was no way he was going to let this go, and so she sighed. ‘Ryan is not a drug dealer, you asshole. David was a guest. He was an invited guest and things took a turn when something was said.’

  ‘Did words put that mark on your neck? Other side,’ Seth said quietly, and watched as Evie ran her hands along her shoulders. She flinched from a bruise she didn’t even know she had.

  God, I hope Ryan didn’t see it.

  She didn’t think so, unless he just didn’t want to draw her attention to it.

  She couldn’t meet Seth’s gaze as he leaned forward. ‘You want to tell me what the fuck is going on, or do you want me to ask Ryan? I guarantee you I won’t ask him as nicely as I’m asking you.’

  The thought of telling Seth about their dirty little secret was bad enough, but revealing how last night had gone so terribly was even worse.

  Yet she couldn’t come up with a lie with him staring at her, and she had no doubt that Ryan would find himself cornered on the stairwell.

  She looked past him at his toolbox so she could avoid his eyes when she told him.

  ‘It’s a…sex thing,’ she murmured, and hoped it would be enough to push him back.

  No such luck, not with Seth in full Papa Bear mode.

  ‘Something you’re into?’ he asked, and at a questioning look from Evie he elaborated, ‘I mean, you’re not being pushed into anything, are you?’

  ‘By who? Ryan? Have you met him? Does he strike you as the shady type?’

  ‘I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.’

  ‘Well, I know you can hear a hell of a lot since you ripped up the carpet and laid down the laminate, not to mention the open windows and the vents. Does it sound to you like he’s doing anything I don’t want done to me?’

  Satisfaction pricked her as he finally broke his stare and his cheeks coloured. He captured the mascara again and tapped the end against the tabletop, like he was revving up the nerve to continue this interrogation.

  The kettle let out a faint whistle, and Evie left him to the consequences of his line of questioning as she prepared the pot of tea.

  ‘What sort of sex thing?’ he asked at last.

  Evie laughed. ‘This and that.’

  ‘Bondage?’

  She set the pot on the cork trivet in the centre of the table and sat back down. ‘Seth, honestly.’

  ‘I can take it.’

  ‘Yeah, well, I don’t want to dish it.’

  Seth sat back and rubbed his hand across his face, then hung his head. ‘And the guy last night was invited to play?’

  Something about the way he made this final deduction put a crack in the veneer she’d been able to maintain so far. Her cheeks burned and she couldn’t look him in the eye.

  Before she could squeak out a simple ‘yeah’, Seth leaned forward with a chuckle and took possession of the teapot.

  ‘You really ought to pick your playmates more carefully.’

  ‘Obviously.’

  ‘Was he there for you, or Ryan, or both?’

  ‘Seth –’

  ‘You might as well tell me, otherwise I’m just going to walk away wondering, and you don’t want my imagination to run wild.’

  Her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth and she made no effort to dislodge it.

  Of all the things she and Seth had put on the table since they’d met, sex wasn’t one of them. At least not seriously. Even when she started up with Ryan she had only given him the exterior details. Sure, there had been some teasing about the noise th
at carried from above and he’d quipped a number of times about how haggard she looked after a long night with Ryan, but there was never any discussion about what went on in the bedroom.

  Seth was her friend and sometimes confidant, but there were boundaries and they had both kept and respected them – vibrators on the bathtub or not.

  But after last night she knew the lines had started to smudge.

  She watched him splash milk into the tea he had poured, and, as he settled forward with his big hands wrapped around his cup, she gave in to the curiosity on his face. Propping her feet on the rungs of the chair, Evie took a sip of the tea. It scalded her tongue loose, and she began to talk.

  ‘It’s been going on since before Ryan and I started up,’ she told him quietly. ‘He had a few experiences going back to when he was a teenager. He couldn’t wrap his head around it. He likes men but he likes women, too. So in the last couple of years he’s come around to the conclusion that he’s bisexual, but with the exception of getting his dick sucked a few times there’s been no action.’

  ‘How do you feel about it?’ Seth asked evenly, watching her closely.

  Evie lifted her shoulder. ‘I wasn’t sure at first. I’m still not entirely sure. I mean, what if he’s just gay and I’m just his crutch?’

  ‘You don’t believe he’s bisexual?’ Seth didn’t wait for an answer. He laughed and shook his head, then flashed a wide grin at her. ‘Honey, I listened to you guys fucking all summer. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that Ryan loves what you do to him.’

  Her mortification was chased away by a funny thrill brought on by his words. It was as if having a third party confirm that she brought out in Ryan what he never failed to bring out in her relieved the insecurities the previous night had created.

  She had the decency to blush as she met Seth’s gaze.

  ‘Plus,’ he went on, rescuing her from having to come up with some sort of response, ‘he’s just plain crazy about you and has been since you moved in. The guy checked his mail six times a day hoping to run into you that first month. He can’t talk about you without getting that stupid smile on his face – just like you’ve got right now.’