The V-Word

by Amber J. Keyser

  If that seems daunting, that’s okay. I’ve got your back. The next section is jam-packed with resources. I interviewed four expert sex educators—Al Vernacchio, Pepper Schwartz, Jo Langford, and Amy Lang—and asked them to share what they’ve learned after years of working with young people. Consider this part of the book a map you can use to chart your own course through the steamy waters of sex.

  Know Your Body

  All the Parts

  Start with the body.

  All those curves and folds and slickery bits are worthy of your attention. Labia, mons pubis, vagina, clitoris—this is the territory of pleasure, and it’s good to know your way around. Lots of women have never really looked at all their sexual parts. Sure it’s hard to see down there, but the bigger issue is that many of us have the idea that looking is off limits.

  But if you have plans to invite someone else into your nether regions, you should be able to get up close and personal with your own lady bits. Spending quality time with your body is a good precursor to sharing it with anyone else. If you need a diagram to find your way, there’s a good one in S-E-X: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You through High School and College by Heather Corinna.

  Use a mirror. Use your fingers. Explore.

  Consider it information gathering, critical for sexual success.

  Is That Normal?

  Many of us wonder whether we look normal. Are my labia too long? Too dark? Are vaginas supposed to look like that? What about all my pubic hair? These concerns about the appearance of our sexual parts are exacerbated by the pervasiveness of pornography. Images of shaved, oiled, and surgically altered women are everywhere. Just as runway models don’t reflect what the majority of women look like, neither do women in pornography.

  Real women—and their sexual anatomy—come in all colors, shapes, and sizes. If you’re worried that things look weird down there, check out the books Body Drama: Real Girls, Real Bodies, Real Issues, Real Answers by Nancy Redd, Femalia by Joani Blank, and I’ll Show You Mine by Wrenna Robertson. These books feature full-color photographs of many different vaginas. Yours will fit right in.

  Popping the Cherry

  Sex educator Al Vernacchio says, “Misconceptions [about sex] are borne of misinformation or lack of information.”2 This confusion often starts with a maligned little bit of flesh called the hymen. The story goes that girls are born with a membrane covering the vaginal opening. First-time penis-in-vagina sex (penetrative sex) is supposed to hurt because an erection is bashing its way through this barrier. Blood on the sheets means the deal’s been done. Proving virginity is as easy as prodding around up there to make sure the blockade is intact.

  Except it doesn’t work like this.

  Like all parts of the female anatomy, there is a lot of variation from hymen to hymen. In some women this thin bit of tissue covers almost all of the vaginal opening. (It certainly doesn’t cover the whole thing or we couldn’t have periods.) Using a tampon or inserting a finger may stretch the tissue and cause discomfort. Other women may find no evidence of a hymen at all.

  Like all the tissues down there, the hymen responds to arousal by becoming slick and elastic as you get turned on. Amy Lang says, “If everything is all systems go, [first-time sex] will feel good, not overwhelmingly painful.”3

  For a visual demo (and a lot more great info about sex) check out Laci Green’s “You Can’t POP Your Cherry” vlog post on her YouTube channel, Sex+ (www.youtube.com/user/lacigreen).

  Biological Sex vs. Gender

  Biological sex is determined by sexual anatomy. Genetic makeup in tandem with conditions during fetal development influence how our genitals appear. A person can have a typically female reproductive system or a typically male reproductive system. When a combination of male, female, or ambiguous characteristics is present, the person is called intersex.

  Gender is a whole different concept. Gender is how we identify ourselves. This is the core of who we are and is influenced by our intellectual and emotional selves as well as by cultural gender norms and expectations. Gender identity can occur on a spectrum, not just woman or man. People who identify on a part of the gender continuum that lies between woman and man often call themselves genderqueer.

  Gender dysphoria occurs when biological sex and gender identity are not congruent. Sometimes this feeling is subtle or occasional, characterized by the impression that you differ from feminine norms. Other times there is a deep mismatch between the physical body and gender identity—a state of being called transgender. The word cisgender describes a match between sexual anatomy and gender identity.

  For a wonderful discussion of the diverse manifestations of gender identity, check out these resources:

  • S-E-X: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You through High School and College by Heather Corinna

  • Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out by Susan Kuklin (a collection of personal essays)

  • Trans Bodies, Trans Selves: A Resource for the Transgender Community by Laura Erickson-Schroth

  • Trans Lifeline (www.translifeline.org, a nonprofit dedicated to transgendered people’s well-being)

  Know What Turns You On

  Sexual Orientation—Don’t Get Lost in the Letters

  Many of us identify as straight, gay, or lesbian, but describing patterns of sexual attraction is not always as straightforward as it seems. Bisexual describes when a person feels sexual attraction for both men and women. Some prefer to identify as queer, pansexual, or omnisexual instead of bisexual because these terms acknowledge that gender and attraction occur on a spectrum. Those who find that sexual attraction isn’t a big part of their lives sometimes identify as asexual.

  What these terms fail to capture is the way our patterns of sexual attraction can change. They ebb and flow. Many people identify as questioning because they are engaged in an ongoing process of exploring their sexual orientation. You don’t have to pick a label and stick with it.

  Just as being familiar with your physical body is a prerequisite for initiating a sexual relationship, so is exploring your own patterns of sexual attraction. A good place to go for more information is Youth Resource, a website by and for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning young people (www.youthresource.org). The book GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning Teens by Kelly Huegel is also a great resource.

  Get Your Sexy On

  Sex is as much mental as physical, and this is true for both women and men. You have probably heard a lot of generalizations about what turns men on (porn) versus what turns women on (romance), but like so much talk about sex, this glosses over the wide variety of real experiences.

  Sexual arousal can be triggered by images, smells, or the lightest touch. Women like all kinds of sex and get turned on by all kinds of things. Maybe you like lingerie. Or maybe you’re more of a flannel pajamas kind of gal. Sexual fantasies can be about people we know in real life, celebrities, or fictional characters. Sometimes we get turned on by imagining certain kinds of sex or sex in unusual locations.

  It’s important to remember that sexual fantasies are exactly that—fantasies. The thoughts that turn us on are not necessarily things we want to do in real life. A lot of women feel guilty about their fantasies. You don’t need to. They’re an important—and safe—way to explore your sexual needs and desires before you are involved with a partner.

  Teasing the Kitty

  Guys talk about masturbating a lot. They tell jokes. They brag about it. Mostly they feel comfortable with it. Jerking off is a way to feel good, release tension, and relax. There are tons of slang terms for male masturbation. Spanking the monkey. Waxing the dolphin. Rubbing one out. And it’s pretty much culturally accepted that guys will do it.

  As with most things sexual, there’s a double standard for women. We rarely talk about female masturbation, and it is viewed more suspiciously than the same behavior in guys. Many girls begin mast
urbating when very young and worry that they’re weird, but both girls and women can have a lot of fun teasing the kitty or clicking the mouse. It’s totally normal and a completely safe way to explore what turns you on.

  When and if you decide to engage in partnered sex, the person you are with won’t automatically know what you need to be satisfied, but if you do, you can lead the way. As Jo Langford says, “A healthy experience is dependent on your relationship with yourself. Do you know how to make your own body feel good?” 4

  What about Orgasms?

  They’re nice. Very nice. Most people enjoy them. A lot.

  Sometimes an orgasm is explosive—fireworks-style. Other times an orgasm is the peak of a long, slow, warm build. The experience will vary from person to person and from day to day. For most women, reaching orgasm involves direct stimulation to the clitoris. How to get yourself there is definitely something to explore during masturbation.

  Orgasm can also be one of the real disconnects between partners during sex. Real life rarely looks like the romance novel experience of mind-blowing, mutual (or multiple) climaxes. One person coming first and deciding that’s the end of sex can be deeply unsatisfying for the other partner. Not all sexual encounters end in orgasm, and that’s okay, but healthy sexual partners are always looking out for each other in bed.

  Know What You’re Up Against

  Society Is a Sexual Minefield

  Sex in the United States is a serious can of worms.

  Al Vernacchio quotes a colleague who says that our society is “sexually repressed to the point of being sexually obsessed.”5 On the one hand, sex is candles, whip cream, feathers, and fireworks. On the other, it’s sinful, shameful, and wrong.

  All of these contradictions put a lot of pressure on women. There are so many expectations about how we should look, who we should love, how we should act, and what we should feel.

  Coming into our own as sexual people forces us to wade through the muck of gender stereotypes:

  Guys always want sex. Women want love.

  It’s okay if guys do it. Good girls wait.

  Bad girls swallow.

  If you like sex, you’re a slut.

  We deserve better. We deserve the chance to define ourselves. If you want to explore how cultural expectations of women influence our ability to be the women we want to be, check out TheFBomb.org, an online community created by and for young people who care about women’s rights, and also teen activist Jules Spector’s blog at www.teenfeminist.com.

  Us versus Them

  Too often sex, especially straight sex, is presented as a battle. A real Casanova might brag about his many conquests as if each person he’s been intimate with is a skirmish from which he’s emerged victorious. First base, second, stealing third—the baseball metaphor for sexual accomplishments treats sex as a conflict zone. Somebody is always trying to score. Somebody is going to slide into home, even if the other side is trying to stop them.

  There will be a winner and there will be a loser.

  Ugh. Maybe we should all grab armor and suit up.

  Al Vernaccio suggests it would be far more useful (and more fun) to think of sex like ordering pizza.6 You do it when you’re hungry, when you want to. Since you’re sharing the meal with someone else, the two of you can talk about what toppings you want to order and when you want to eat. You discuss what you like, and then you sit at the table together with your pizza-eating sweetheart and enjoy yourselves. You don’t even have to finish the meal to have a great time.

  Whether you’re craving pepperoni or mushroom and onion, it’s a good idea to take sex out of the battlefield and into the realm of mutual satisfaction.

  Porn Is Everywhere

  We can’t really talk about sex without talking about porn. Many an innocent Google search has led to hardcore sites. In a recent survey, eighteen-year-olds were asked at what age most young people started regularly viewing pornography. The most common answer was thirteen or fourteen.7

  Because comprehensive, high-quality sex education is so rare in this country, many young people, especially boys, turn to porn as a primary source of information about sex. Every sex educator that I interviewed said many misconceptions arise from watching the highly artificial sex typically depicted in porn.

  On every level, pornography is fantasy not reality.

  Real women’s bodies do not look like that. Make-up, body hair removal, professional set lighting, air-brushing and surgical enhancement to breasts, thighs, and even labia create porn star perfection. Real men’s bodies don’t look like that either—six-pack abs, shaved balls, and twelve-inch penises that stay hard forever are the result of manscaping and Viagra.

  Al Vernacchio says, “What we see [in pornography] are fabricated situations that bear little to no resemblance to reality. Basing one’s expectations about sex on what the media portrays is the best way to wind up with a lot of misconceptions.”8

  Real sex is very different from porn sex.

  Porn makes it look like “sex starts with parts in holes,” says Amy Lang.9 Porn strips away the relationships and communication that are involved in real sex. Pepper Schwartz says that boys often think “they don’t have to talk about anything,”10 or they think, according to Jo Langford, “that real-life girls like being talked to the way porn girls are talked to”11 and that “real-life girls want to be asked to do the same things.”12

  Young people often turn to porn to “learn how to do sex,” says Jo Langford.13 “Girls think they have to be a wild woman in bed to be sexy, and boys think they have to thrust like crazy and go as long as possible,” adds Pepper Schwartz.14 Boys learn that “they should be the aggressor when it comes to sex and they are surprised when girls are just as interested and push for it,” adds Amy Lang.15

  It turns out no one is learning much about real sex from pornography.

  The Black Hole of Sex Ed

  Pornography is not the place to learn about real sex but you can’t count on sex education in schools either. There was a time (way back in the 1970s) when many public schools taught sex-positive, comprehensive sex education. Teens got complete and nonjudgmental information about their bodies, birth control, disease prevention, and healthy relationships. More revolutionary was the acknowledgment that sex and pleasure were interconnected.

  Everything changed in the 1980s and 1990s.

  New politics. New message. Abstinence, abstinence, abstinence. No sex before marriage.

  A school sex ed film called No Second Chances shows a teen asking a nurse, “What if I want to have sex before I get married?”

  Her answer?

  “You’ll just have to be prepared to die.”16

  What?!

  That’s right. Have sex and die.

  The state of sex education in the United States has not improved since the 1990s. There are no national standards for content like there are for math or science. The Guttmacher Institute reports that in 2015 only twenty-two states require sex education at all, and only thirteen require that the information be accurate. Nineteen states teach abstinence but not contraception. Four states forbid teaching anything positive about nonheterosexual sex in schools.

  So—

  If you can’t count on school for the information you need and pornography is make-believe, what are you supposed to do?

  Know about Keeping It Safe

  Get the Info

  Taking charge of your sexual life means educating yourself about sex. It really is up to you. Seek out information from trusted sources. Websites like Scarleteen (www.scarleteen.com), Advocates for Youth (www.advocatesforyouth.org), and Sex, Etc. (sexetc.org) are a great place to start. On these sites, you can ask questions and read articles about everything from vibrators to oral sex to pregnancy. You can also find other resources that you might need. There are plenty of smart, fun books about sex that you can get from your local public library in many areas. Check the resource list at the end of this book for titles. You also might want to check out a series of o
nline essays by teens about sex called “Teen Sex: It’s Complicated” on the Huffington Post website (www.huffingtonpost.com).

  On Safer Sex

  This book is based on the belief that sex can and should be a positive, fulfilling, and deeply pleasurable part of our lives. That’s not to say it is without risk. The safer sex approach to sexual activity may seem like a buzzkill, but nothing says good-bye romance like an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted infection.

  To get the information you need to be prepared for healthy, safer sex, try places like your medical doctor or school-based health clinic. Several great resources include the article “Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To” on the Scarleteen website, Planned Parenthood (www.plannedparenthood.com), Bedsider (bedsider.org), and Sex: A Book for Teens by Nikol Hasler.

  The absolute basics are:

  • Monitor your sexual health with regular gynecological exams and screening for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), also referred to as sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). This should happen at least once a year and more often if you have multiple partners. Your partners need to get tested too.

  • Get vaccinated against human papillomavirus (HPV). This common STI is spread through vaginal, anal, and oral sex, and often has no symptoms. Having HPV greatly increases your risk of cervical cancer. The vaccine, which is given to both men and women, is easy, permanent protection.

  • Use barriers like condoms, dental dams, and latex gloves to protect from infection. Don’t wait until you’re sweaty and naked to figure out how to use these things. Grab a girlfriend and go buy various kinds of condoms. Check them out. Slide them on a banana. If you bring the condoms, it does not mean you are a slut. It means you value yourself enough to be safe and prepared.

  • If there is a penis involved in your sexual activities, reliable birth control, such as the pill, hormone shots, implants, or cervical rings, is essential. And remember, nonbarrier methods won’t protect against STIs so you still need that condom with spermicide. Every. Single. Time. If the penis-owner complains then he should take his unclad cock and play with it himself.