The V-Word

by Amber J. Keyser

  • Consider and reconsider the kinds of sexual activity that you plan to engage in. Some are much more risky than others. Any kind of unprotected sex, even oral sex, is riskier than protected sex. Check out the risk assessment list in S-E-X: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You through High School and College by Heather Corinna.

  The Age of Consent

  When I asked Jo Langford what advice he had for young people thinking about becoming sexually active, he said, “Do due diligence to avoid knowingly or accidentally doing something that could harm someone (including yourself).”17

  It’s really important that you know the age of potential sexual partners. Age differences often mean power differences. Who can drive? Who can’t? Is one person old enough to buy alcohol?

  Age matters. It can even make sex illegal.

  Every state has age of consent laws for sex, which is the age a person can legally agree to sex.

  In the US, the age of consent varies from sixteen to eighteen depending on the state. Some (but not all) states have an age-gap provision, meaning that two fifteen-year-olds could have sex without risk of prosecution. You should know what the law is in your state. In many places, if a fifteen-year-old and an eighteen-year-old have sex, the older person could be charged with rape even if the younger person was a willing participant.

  Sexual Assault

  The prevalence of sexual assault, including rape, in the United States is staggering. Almost one out of every six women has been the victim of a sexual crime.18 Teenagers from ages sixteen to nineteen are four times more likely to be victims of sexual assault than any other segment of the population.19 One in five college women has been sexually victimized while at college,20 and the vast majority of these assaults are committed by men known to the victim.21

  We live in a culture that struggles to support victims of sexual crimes. Only 32 percent of sexual assaults are reported to the police.22 Ninety-seven percent of rapists will never go to jail.23 Too often, a woman reporting a rape is the one blamed for inciting the assault. She was drunk. She dressed like a slut. She asked for it.

  Conversations about rape in our culture tend to be about ways in which women can protect themselves from being raped. This implies that if we just do the right things, we will always be safe. The statistics tell us that this simply isn’t true.

  Responsibility for rape lies with the perpetrator. Rape is never the fault of the victim. Unwanted sex is unwanted even if the victim didn’t scream no at the top of her lungs, even if she was into making out and then wanted to stop, even if she was drunk when it happened.

  If you are assaulted, it’s not your fault, you didn’t deserve it, and there are people who want to help you. Most cities have rape crisis centers. The organization RAINN can locate the one nearest you (centers.rainn.org). The National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline can be reached at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).

  Safer Sex, Recreational Drugs, and Alcohol

  One of the reasons people like to drink, especially in social situations, is that it loosens us up. With a few drinks on board, we don’t worry so much. We get rowdy. We take more risks. That’s probably okay if you’re trying to get your nerve up to do karaoke, but in sexually charged situations being drunk makes it harder to establish boundaries. Many of us have found ourselves, hungover as hell, in beds we wish we hadn’t woken up in. With our beer goggles on, we weren’t so picky about who we got naked with. Maybe we were too drunk to bother with a condom. Maybe that was our best friend’s girlfriend.

  It happens.

  But it’s not the route to safer sex.

  If you know that you’ll be heading into a high-risk party situation, set up a buddy system with a friend so you can support each other. In general, if you limit the booze, you’ll be in a far better position to advocate for yourself and what you want.

  A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words

  There’s probably a cell phone in your pocket. It’s probably a smart phone with a camera and access to the internet. With a few clicks you can answer almost any question. Friends are a text away. The downside to having the world at your fingertips is that the world can get up in your business faster than you can blink.

  And trust me, there are places you don’t want the fingers of the world.

  Sending a sexy picture of yourself might feel like no big deal. It’s fun and a little naughty to doll up and try out a porn star pose. Maybe your boyfriend asks for a picture of your breasts to get him through the next twenty-four hours without you. Maybe your girlfriend wants to see you touch yourself.

  A sexy picture between two people who trust each other shouldn’t really be a big deal, but sexts (or any kind of sexually explicit texts, emails, instant messages, online posts, or chats) can turn around to bite you on the ass. Everyone seems to be doing it, from movie stars to the straight-A student who sits next to you in calculus. In a recent survey, 46 percent of teenagers agree that “sending sexual or naked photos or videos is part of everyday life for teenagers nowadays,”32 but sexting can have consequences you never even considered.

  Break up with your sweetie and you might find that those private pictures have a whole new life. With a single click, a picture can be sent to everyone you know—friends, teachers, parents. There are accounts on social media sites like Instagram and Tumblr that aggregate and share naked pictures. Best-case scenario, it’s embarrassing. Worst-case scenario, it’s a crime. Depending on the state you live in, sending naked pictures, even of yourself, can be prosecuted under child pornography laws. Sexual pictures have been used to blackmail young women for sex, to humiliate them in public, and even to encourage sex offenders to go to their houses.

  The internet never forgets either. Long after you send them, sexts can return to haunt you. Most hiring managers do an internet search on job applicants. A close-up of your cleavage might not be the first thing you want them to see. College coaches routinely check social media before recruiting teen athletes. You don’t want to lose out on a scholarship because you took off your pants.

  So at the risk of sounding like a nag—no pictures, no pictures, no pictures.

  Not of you.

  Not of your partner.

  Not of anyone’s sexy bits.

  Have all the fun you want, but make memories, not evidence.

  Know How to Talk About It

  Pick Your Words

  Vagina, pussy, vajayjay, hooty-hoo.

  Breasts, tatas, tits, boobs.

  Penis, cock, boner, dick.

  Intercourse, screwing, making love, fucking.

  Talking about sex means knowing and using real and accurate words and also finding the words you feel comfortable using. Trust me, there are plenty to choose from. (Check out the historical Timeline of Slang Terms for the Vagina compiled by Jonathon Green.) You’ve got to have words to talk the talk. And I don’t mean The Talk. I mean real conversations about sex with friends, parents, and partners. At first this is going to be awkward as all get-out—blushing, sweaty pits, giggles, the whole shebang—especially with parents, but as Al Vernacchio says, “Healthy sexual activity has to be deliberate, communicative, and honest.”24

  What about Talking to Parents?

  The truth is your parents are as nervous about these conversations as you are.

  Amy Lang says, “Most parents do not want to even think about their kids having sex, so when a teen is brave and smart enough to bring it up, they need to be ready for some parental freak-out. It’s a really good idea to plan what you want to say before you say it and be ready for their responses.”25

  Pepper Schwartz advises starting the conversation way before you’re in the middle of a hot and heavy relationship. You could say that you know you will eventually get serious about someone and there will probably be times you want to be sexual. Tell your parents that you don’t know enough to be safe about it and don’t want to be sorry about what happens. Ask for their advice and values around sex even if you end up choosing a different path.
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  Jo Langford suggests asking specific questions. “Parents are often reluctant about sharing their personal stories because they don’t want to say too much, freak you out, or make you think differently of them. Questions such as, ‘What was your first sexual experience like?’ give them permission to speak freely.”27

  Check out the book 100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents by Elisabeth Henderson and Nancy Armstrong, MD, and consider asking your parents some of these questions.

  Nobody likes a high-pressure situation, so asking questions as they come up in casual conversation—maybe a scene in a movie sparks a discussion about consent, for example—takes the heat off of everyone. The more you engage with your parents about sex-based topics, the easier and more natural the conversations become. It’s always better to talk before there’s a problem.

  If you feel absolutely sure that you cannot go to your parents with questions about sex, seek out another trustworthy adult, perhaps an older sibling, an aunt, or a medical provider. Amy Lang points out that “You have a right to see your doctor alone. Make up an excuse and go.”28 Your sexual health is an important part of your overall health.

  What about Talking to Your Partner?

  The other person you need to be talking sex with is definitely your partner.

  • How experienced is each of you?

  • What sexual activities do you want to try?

  • What’s your birth control plan?

  • What about preventing STIs?

  • What does sex mean in the context of your relationship—a hookup, friends-with-benefits, a commitment to an ongoing relationship?

  According to Al Vernacchio, “Every sexual encounter starts with two unique individuals who are creating an entirely new experience. Healthy sexual interactions begin with each of us being our authentic selves. We’re not playing a role, putting on a mask, or trying to be someone else. When we’re honest about what we want and don’t want, when we feel good about our decisions, and when we know why we’re doing what we do, those are some of the ingredients for successful sexual encounters.”29

  And he adds, “If you can’t look your partner in the eye and talk about what you want to do, then you aren’t ready to do it.”30

  Solidifying Your Values

  Feeling good is great, except when it’s so good that we get swept away. And that happens. We’re in the moment. There’s kissing and licking, and those hands on your breasts feel amazing. Clothes end up on the floor, and you’re really wet. There’s all this desire and need and stopping sounds terrible and there’s no condom, but it feels so good. . . .

  Boundaries—you’ve got to know what yours are.

  How far do you want to go? Where do you want to stop? And why?

  Decisions about sexual intimacy should be based on what you value. Ask yourself how sex fits into your respect for yourself, your plans for the future, your sense of what sex means to you, and your relationship with a partner.

  Amy Lang says, “The absolute best way to navigate [peer pressure to have sex] is to be really, super clear about your sexual values. This means understanding how far you are willing to go and under what circumstances. It means being clear about what you want your first time to be like.”31

  Her book Dating Smarts: What Every Teen Needs to Know to Date, Relate, or Wait is a good place to explore your values around sex. Knowing your boundaries will give you strength to slow down or stop if going all the way is not part of your plan, even when it feels great.

  Know When You’re Ready

  Everyone’s Doing it, Aren’t They?

  Ever notice how sometimes it seems like there is a sex superhighway? Everyone is on it, driving a hundred miles an hour. Merging is a bitch. You’ve got to hope you don’t crash. Everyone is rush, rush, rushing to get there—wherever there is. No one wants to be the last virgin in the room.

  Slow down. Hit the brakes. Let’s throw some facts at this racetrack.

  Here are the current stats about sexual activity in young people: 16 percent of fifteen-year-olds, 33 percent of sixteen-year-olds, 48 percent of seventeen-year-olds, and 61 percent of eighteen-year-olds have had sex. The numbers are pretty much the same for young women and men. The average age of first-time sex is seventeen.33

  The first times described in this book cover a huge range. The youngest was thirteen. The oldest twenty-three. It’s pretty clear that just because everyone seems to be bragging about sex it doesn’t mean they’ve actually had it.

  Being Ready

  Let’s forget the go, go, go for a minute and focus on figuring out when you are ready to take on sex.

  With real driving there’s a program: take the written test, drive with a learner’s permit, maybe take driver’s ed. Eventually you spend an excruciating morning at the Department of Motor Vehicles and then—boom!—you’re qualified. It’s not so easy with sex. After all, you’re facing this big unknown experience. It’s hard to know if you’re ready for something mysterious that you’ve never done.

  Jo Langford says, “A person is ready for sex when their brain, their heart, and their crotch all come online and are functioning at the same general level. But hearts and crotches fire up for many people before the brain can catch up, and that can lead to poor decisions and unfortunate consequences. For some people this combo of drive, emotional readiness, and logic-plus-education doesn’t happen until their twenties. It’s the rare person who has all of this going on before sixteen.”34

  Amy Lang’s perspective is similar. For her, being ready means being able to “wholeheartedly say yes to everything. Yes to open communication. Yes to being on birth control. Yes to condoms. Yes to getting STI testing. Yes to this particular partner. Yes to understanding what sex means to the relationship. Yes to having a safe place to do it. Yes to knowing this is the right person, time, and place.”35

  In the Moment

  This is it.

  You’re hot.

  You’re ready.

  This person next to you is the one.

  It’s time to get swept away in the moment but not the time to get sucked into doing things you don’t want to do.

  Sexual agency—the power to choose what we want to do sexually—is imperative. There is no time during a sexual encounter where you have gone too far to say I want to stop. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and neither does your partner.

  Consent sounds like—

  Can I kiss you? Yes!

  Is it okay if I touch you there? Yes!

  Do you want me to do this? Yes!

  It’s not the dialogue from a porn script. It’s not the sultry pillow talk of romance novels. But jubilant consent is sexy.

  As we said at the beginning, the real V-word—the most important one—is VOICE. Saying yes, saying no, saying I’m not sure—using your voice is an essential part of having feel-good, thrilling sexual experiences.

  Now—

  In the moment—

  With protection, intention, and yes, you can enjoy being closer than close to another person. It’s a big deal, especially the first time. Take it seriously. Be kind. Give and receive.

  And have fun.

  The Power of Story

  A Conversation between Kelly Jensen and Amber Keyser

  The women who wrote the essays in this book did so because words are powerful. The way we talk about our bodies and our sexual experiences matters. When we tell our stories, we shape the lives we are actually living. We offer them to you in the hopes that these stories will illuminate the range of possible sexual experiences. Sometimes stories are mirrors held up to our own experience.

  Our stories illuminate the universals. We want to love and be loved. We want to belong. We want to find our own path amid the expectations of friends, family, religion, and culture. We want to be the heroes in our own lives.

  When it comes to sex and all the wonderful, complicated ways it intersects with the rest of our lives, more stories can only be a good thing. This chapter is a c
onversation between me and Kelly Jensen, a teen media specialist, about depictions of sex in media, particularly in young adult novels. We hope it will give you some good ideas about where to look to find the mirrors and windows you need to take charge of your own sexual life.

  AMBER: Conversations about sex can be hard because of language. We know words matter, especially sex words. They can be clinical or nasty or euphemistic. How does media directed toward teens reflect the language we use to talk about sex and sexual experiences?

  KELLY: It’s not very good.

  Our experiences can only be filtered through our words, so when our language is euphemistic or clinical, we can’t describe the female sexual experience in an authentic way. Vagina and clitoris describe physical parts, but they’re not words that roll easily off the tongue. The vast majority of slang terms for the female anatomy are insulting in one way or another. They’re words that describe anatomy rather than experiences or feelings relating to sex and sexual experiences.

  It’s easier to describe what happens when a boy is turned on. We say he gets hard, and everyone knows what that means, what it looks like, and how it feels. It’s not clinical or derogatory. It’s an action. For girls an entire range of physical reactions can happen during arousal but we very rarely read descriptions of the process.

  Author E. M. Kokie wrote a great blog post called “In Our Own Words” (http://emkokie.com/attractive_nuisance/2013/05/09/in-our-own-words) about the lack of language to describe female sexual experiences compared to male sexual experiences. One thing she notes is that romantic and intimate scenes often fade to black. Readers don’t hear a female character talking about what’s happening to her body, how she’s reacting to touch, what it feels like physically, or the changes she’s experiencing. Maybe she’s aware of it and maybe she’s not, but it’s just not there in most books for teens.

  Lauren Myracle’s The Infinite Moment of Us offers an honest and solid portrayal of female arousal. It’s forthright but feels neither clinical nor nasty. The main character, Wren, describes how when she’s turned on, her breathing changes, her nipples get hard, and she grows wet. More powerfully, though, Wren doesn’t get embarrassed. She is excited about her body being her body and doing the things a body does when it’s ready for pleasure.