Julia's Secret

by Valerie Attard

  Julia was prepared that Sophia would rebuke her or get angry and defensive. Julia had after all called her names and had insulted her. However, nothing had prepared her for Sophia’s reaction. Sophia looked at Julia with those expressive familiar eyes Julia had now known so well. The eyes seemed to penetrate deep within Julia’s soul; it was as if Sophia knew that Julia’s outburst was not ill-intended. Julia was not really angry but she was petrified about losing Sophia. This was the root cause of the violent outburst. Sophia must have gazed at Julia for a long time holding, Julia’s gaze locked in hers so that Julia was unsure whether to look away or not and then just as soon as it had started Sophia turned her eyes away and broke out into a smile that developed into an unexpected laughter. The sound was mid-way between a chuckle and a school-girl’s giggle. Julia just stared at her friend in disbelief; however, this unexpected reaction caused Julia’s fear and panic and pain to lift up and away from Julia’s heart and mind. That laughter seemed to shed the cloak of uncertainty and danger away from Julia so that Julia felt herself begin to calm down. She could now focus again, her eyes were no longer damp with tears and she had stopped sniffing and hiccupping.

  Julia waited patiently for Sophia to stop laughing, the laughter seemed to take on a life of its own and it was filling the empty house with a tinkling sound as if someone had let hundreds of little elves with bells on their shoes run wild around the house. Sophia had tilted her head to one side and she looked as beautiful as ever. Julia tried to erase the scar from Sophia’s head so that she could picture Sophia in the likeness she had once known.

  Sophia reached out and took hold of Julia’s hands. Sophia’s hands were ice cold as they always were and Julia’s were hot and clammy. Julia’s hands felt huge compared to Sophia’s small bony fingers. Sophia tugged at Julia’s hands and kept them firm in hers. The two women were sitting side by side but both had turned to face one another so that their knees touched each other’s. Julia’s outstretched arms caused her sleeve to ride up her arm and as her bare arm touched Sophia’s trousers she felt the softness of the velvety fabric. Julia just wanted to place her head in Sophia’s lap and allow Sophia to caress her hair and to sooth her as her mother used to do so many years ago. She needed Sophia to reassure her that this had all been a mistake; it was not what Julia had understood at all. All will be well, all will remain the same, things were not about to change.

  Sophia spoke in a gentle low voice, little more than a whisper and finally spoke the words that Julia had needed to hear. Sophia told Julia that there was no meaning to her selling the house, the house and the fact that she hadn’t mentioned it to Julia did not mean anything, they were totally unimportant. Whether Sophia stayed in that house or moved to another didn’t matter, it didn’t even matter if she moved further away from Julia, they were each other’s soul mate, they were bound in their friendship, tied with the knowledge they shared, with the secrets and dreams they had exchanged and with the love they had towards one another. Sophia would always been there for Julia and Julia for her; there was an invisible ribbon tied tight round the two of them so that nothing could ever separate them.

  The few remaining drops of thoughts of betrayal and anger seeped away from Julia and she felt at peace with herself and the world again. She had clearly overreacted. Sophia was right. She had been foolish in reacting the way she did. It was a childish and immature reaction and she really needed to control such emotions which had verged on the hysterical. She looked back at her friend so calm and composed and it was as if that calmness and composure was being reflected back onto Julia so that she felt calm; her breathing in tandem with that of her friend as if by holding each other’s hands Sophia’s blood was flowing right into Julia’s heart and back again. Julia felt her hands begin to warm Sophia’s hands as if they were reacting to Sophia’s presence. It was only Julia’s heart that still ached and this aching was due to the realisation of just how much she loved this woman. It was a feeling that was impossible to describe a feeling that was as strong as ever before. Julia felt understood as never before. It was the closeness she should have had with Ben, the closeness between mother and child. The closeness she had never had before marriage and the closeness she had been struggling to discover throughout her marriage. Unlike her marriage the secrets that existed between the two women were not tearing them apart from each other; on the contrary, they were the secrets that bound them together. Their love superseded these secrets it was above all this. It was a love stronger than fear, than pain and the need for one another. It was something Julia couldn’t quite understand; she was prepared to do anything for her children and she felt that she loved them even more than she loved herself, yet how could she explain this feeling that was so strong it seemed to shut out anything else so that when she was with Sophia or thought about Sophia it was as if this was the person who completed her life.

  In her youth she had struggled with many existential problems that she couldn’t understand and found answers too. She had solved these issues through her faith. She was reminded of these issues now through her children who often asked her questions she had to leave unanswered, she couldn’t attempt to give answers when she had so many doubts about the answers herself. Recently after his catechism lesson Andrew had asked her why God didn’t destroy evil if he was entirely good. Surely this was the best solution and everyone could live on earth happily ever after without anything bad. It was a question that had also troubled her in her childhood along with countless others. Her friendship with Sophia had stirred up so many similar questions and insecurities. If Sophia was competing, Julia’s love was like a huge balance with Sophia on the right side and Ben and the children on the other, surely this was not a good thing surely it must be something bad, something sinful. After all it had caused her to sin by lying, so this meant it was evil, on the other hand how could such a pure and powerful love be evil? This love had made her give so much and it had surely made her a better person, so how could this possibly be bad? Julia was sure that the love she felt now could no longer be described as an infatuation. This phase would have passed by now. The love she felt now had not diminished since their first meeting; on the contrary it had grown even though the two women had decreased their contact. It was as if the test she had given their love through her New Year’s Resolution of keeping Sophia out of her family love had strengthened her relationship with Sophia. By shutting Sophia out of her home and her family she was now closer to Sophia than ever before.

  That day she returned back home feeling as light as air. Everything seemed rosier than before and she felt so good and pure. Her family sensed this change in her and it rubbed off on them, so she spent the next few days in absolute bliss. She was now sure that, even when she would return to work in October, her relationship with Sophia would not suffer. They were now beyond these trivialities; she could stay away from Sophia for days, perhaps even weeks, and they would still continue as they had left it. They would still feel inseparable and no one would come between them. Julia did not need to ask her friend about her mother’s visit or the goings on about the visits to view the property, these were all things which did not affect them. Perhaps not even Sophia was that much concerned about it and this was why she had roped in her mother to handle the sale. Certainly, materialistic possessions and her property was something she clearly didn’t seem to care about any longer. She had continued to let the house age. The lawn was growing longer, the bushes still unkempt in dire need of a trim and a film of dust lay on all the furniture. The floors needed sweeping and the windows needed cleaning; the house was no longer being cared for. This was perhaps its punishment for what it had allowed to happen within its four walls.

  Chapter 19

  As all phases in life, this state of bliss did not last long in Julia’s life and change knocked at her door again. Julia had stumbled across some photos that Sophia and she had once taken in a photo booth. The photos depicted Sophia and Julia in ridiculous poses, poses that were more becoming to t
eenage girls than to two middle-aged women; however they were precious memories of the times Sophia and Julia had gone out together. Julia thought about the lunches they used to share and the matinees they had gone to watch. She remembered these events with nostalgia. They had all been happy memories. She had placed this photo between the pages of the book she was reading and had kept on using it like a bookmark. The topmost part of the photo was jutting out from the top of the book so that it revealed the photo of the two women shown only just below their eyes, so that like some Islamic veil the lower part of their faces and bodies were covered by the closed book. Sophia’s eyes had a piercing look whilst Julia’s were softer and far less expressive. The book which she was currently reading had been left on her bed-side table half-hidden under a number of used tissues crumpled up into balls of varying sizes. She had caught one of those awful colds which are especially hard to bear when the temperature outside is hot and the sun is shining.

  Julia had just finished having a shower and was still naked save for the wet towel wrapped tightly around her. Ben was already in bed propped up with cushions still checking his work emails. The bedroom door was wide open and as Julia walked a few paces from the bathroom to the bedroom door she saw herself reflected in the huge mirror that hung in her bedroom. She was about to enter the bedroom when she stopped suddenly. From this point just outside her bedroom door she could also see Ben’s reflection in the mirror. He was sitting in bed with the laptop in front of him but he was leaning over to Julia’s side of the bed, his hand was stretched out and he was holding Julia’s book in his hands. At first Julia thought that he was reading through the blurb of the book out of curiosity at what she was reading however, she then realised that Ben was not actually interested in the book but he was staring intently at the bookmark. Ben was so transfixed by the photos which had metamorphosised into Julia’s bookmark that he had not heard Julia come out of the bathroom. How long had he been staring at the photos and what was so special about those photos? Was he still surprised that the two women were still friends since Julia hardly ever mentioned Sophia? Was he angry that Julia was still seeing Sophia? Perhaps he suspected that the photo had been taken recently. Perhaps he was angry that Julia had never related much about the outings she had with Sophia. What Julia did know is that upon entering the room Ben was as quick as a flash to push the book back onto the bedside table and move back to his side of the bed. Had Julia not been observing him from the mirror she would never have caught him. The look he had on his face was not the look of someone caught with his hand in the pie, but rather it was the look she had attempted to decipher for so long now. Was it anger? Was it sadness? Was it a mix of both? Was Ben insecure because of Julia’s relationship with Sophia? Had Ben realised far more than she had ever let on? It was hard to say when this topic was never brought up, however there was definitely something about Sophia that irritated Ben, Julia was sure of it now.

  Julia was back in the cycle of observing her husband and writing her observations down in the personalised form of short-hand she had devised. Weeks later it was Ben who caught her out. Julia had been caught unawares; she had never suspected that Ben might be observing her. Was it because of her relationship with Sophia that Ben was beginning to be suspicious of her moves when he was not at home? Had he caught her out in one of her many lies? If so, in which one had she been caught out? It was impossible to guess which one, there had been too many to count. She couldn’t actually accuse Ben of snooping on her really, and it was probably the fact that Julia was snooping around on Ben that made her jump to this conclusion. Julia had been emptying out her handbag on the kitchen table in a frantic search for her car keys. The children were jumping up and down on the doorstep calling at her to hurry or they would be late for their swimming lesson. Ben was still at home this morning as he had worked late the night before and he had overslept. When Julia finally found the car keys amidst the considerable pile of coins, membership cards, her micro umbrella, various make-up items, bills, an assortment of pens, wipes, tissues, breath mints and some small toys which probably Laura had thrown in, she just picked up the keys and her wallet and placed those back in the bag and left the rest of the items there to sort out on her return. Ben had been left at the kitchen table reading the morning’s headlines and finishing his breakfast cereal. The table was now littered with the contents of Julia’s bag and Ben’s curiosity had got the better of him. It was then that he had spotted the receipt from a local florist’s. The receipt stuck out from the rest of the papers that Julia had left on the table. The rest of the papers were utility bills with a few words and numbers but this piece of paper had a huge bunch of roses printed on the reverse side of the receipt. The receipt had been left lying face down so Ben had spotted these printed flowers immediately. At first he thought it was an advertising flyer, however when he turned the paper over he realised what it was. The purchase was for a bouquet of orchids priced at almost forty pounds. Ben was surprised by this paper. Julia had not mentioned buying these flowers for anyone. Surely they weren’t for any of her family members as she had never been this extravagant in giving flowers. She wouldn’t have spent so much for one of the children’s teachers and besides the receipt was dated in August so this ruled out the possibility. He knew Julia’s small circle of friends and couldn’t imagine her spending this amount on them. Perhaps she had made a new friend whom she hadn’t told him about just as she had made friends with Sophia years ago. Ben hoped that Julia would not become as obsessed with this new friend as she had done in the past with Sophia. Unlike Julia Ben found it hard to keep a secret and that evening at dinner he had asked Julia about these flowers. Julia had been hard at work trying to cut through her slice of sirloin. The meat had been overcooked and was as hard as ever so that Julia was doing her best to cut through the meat whilst at the same time hiding her gargantuan efforts of doing so, not to reveal to Ben just how badly cooked the food was. Perhaps his was slightly better and he would not comment on her lack of culinary skills. It was her fault, the meat had been a good cut and she had managed to ruin it in her haste to cook whilst multi-tasking with other house chores. Ben’s question had startled her as it was so unexpected; she wasn’t prepared for it at all. She was prepared for him to tell her something such as ‘How the hell did you manage to cook the meat like this?’ or something sarcastic like ‘hmm really tender and juicy steak we have tonight’ but not to ask her about buying flowers. What was he on about? Julia tried to think, actually it was hard to do so because over the past weeks she had bought Sophia more than one bunch of flowers. Had the receipt just said flowers or had it mentioned which kind? She had to be careful not to mention anything more than what was necessary or she would get caught up in the huge tangled web of lies. She replied to Ben in as casual a manner as possible that she had purchased the flowers because it had been Sophia’s birthday. This was of course yet another lie as Sophia’s birthday was still coming up. She reached for her wine glass to give her some more seconds to think while she took a sip of the rich merlot and in a frantic attempt to change the conversation, praying that Ben would not ask more she commented that at least the wine was compensating for her futile attempt at trying to master the sirloin. Ben had smiled at this dig and the conversation had flowed on to other things. Julia silently breathed a huge sigh of relief, this had been so close. Ben would have been furious had he realised just how much her floral tributes to Sophia had cost them. She felt bad about having lied to Ben about this; she would have to make it up to him. She was also irritated that Ben had asked about it. Had he genuinely spotted the receipt on the table or had he rummaged through the assortment of personal items she had left. Julia knew that this irritation was not justified, it wasn’t as if he had rummaged through her bag, he had been left sitting in front of a haphazard display of these items: she couldn’t be angry that he had seen it. It was not his fault. It was her carelessness that had caused this, she needed to be more careful in the future and not leave such obvious signs ly
ing around the house. She realised that she was angrier at herself. She was angry primarily at having been caught out and at her stupidity at letting this happen, but also for the fact that this was exactly what she was doing to Ben. Ben had been honest and had asked her about it, whereas she had been studying him like some flea under a microscope, writing down his habits and traits. What would he think if he really understood the contents of the diary? He would think that she was paranoid, inventing problems when there were none. He would accuse her of trying to pick a fight over nothing. What did the look mean after all? Did it mean anything at all? Was it something that had always been there but she had never noticed, so that her mind in its attempt to calm her down had convinced her that this was something relatively new. Was it always there? Perhaps he had always done this even when they were dating and due to her crush on him she had failed to notice this. But no, Julia could not force herself to believe this. There was something going on, it was like a sixth sense, she knew there was something and she would not give up trying to discover what it was. How hard could it be after all? Ben was the one who was like an open book, so surely it couldn’t be that difficult, it was her who had so many secrets that they piled high up on her head like thousands of invisible hats stacked up one on top of the other.