Julia's Secret

by Valerie Attard

  Later that night she fell asleep thinking of the flowers she had given to Sophia. There had been roses, lilies and orchids. The orchids were one of her favourite. She had felt so intimate giving her the flowers. Sophia had graciously accepted them bending her head deep in their midst to smell their fresh scent. She would then look at Julia with that look of love. Her beautiful eyes burning deep into Julia’s heart. She knew she couldn’t afford such gifts when she had so many things to get for the children and for the house; however, she was often tempted to do so. It was as if anything of beauty reminded her of her friend; the faint sight of a rainbow barely visible, the flowers in her local florists, works of art and poetry were all connected to her Sophia. She had often tried to write some poetry about Sophia; however, she had always found it so difficult. It was as if the correct words had not yet been invented to describe Sophia. Sophia’s beauty was eternal, timeless and unique and Julia was like some ardent follower worshipping the ground Sophia trod on. Everything that Sophia said became meaningful to Julia, she felt completely brain-washed by Sophia’s words and although in recent months Sophia hardly spoke to her any more this just made the few phrases she replied back even more precious.

  When Julia had done her First Holy Communion her grandmother had given her a beautiful painting depicting a little girl with her guardian angel. This picture had been hung in her bedroom and Julia could recall looking at it in the dim light of her night lamp. She had never seen anyone as beautiful as that angel in that picture. The angel had a flowing cloak and long thick golden hair. Julia used to refer to her as a woman and was disappointment when her grandmother had told her that angels were not men or women because in heaven there were no sexes. This was surely wrong how could this angel not be a woman? The fold of the cloak clearly revealed the woman’s breasts and her long hair clearly proved her womanhood. In her youth it was inconceivable for Julia to think of a man having such long hair. Long hair equated a woman automatically for her. Julia had never seen anyone as beautiful as the likeness in that picture. It was only years later during a course in art history that she had discovered that such beauty existed and here again it was only on the canvasses of the works she saw. Julia had never quite believed that such beauty was at all possible until she had met Sophia. Sophia had turned Julia’s world upside down so that all that she had been certain of was now uncertain, all the light of the love she had ever given and received was a small flicker in comparison to Sophia’s fierce flame. It had been a turning point in Julia’s life, an awakening so that she was able to see things, feel things understand things as never before. It was the feeling a deaf person would feel on hearing their first sounds, or a blind person being given vision for the first time. The feeling a new born senses when placed on his mother’s breast. A feeling of love, warmth, security: a feeling that Sophia was here now and everything would be solved.

  Chapter 20

  The weeks passed by and eventually the children were settled back at school, October had now commenced and the first signs of Autumn were showing. The trees in the park had turned into various shades of yellows and browns and the chestnuts were falling off the trees. Julia had packed away the children’s lighter clothing and stocked up on winter clothing. New wellingtons for the children had already been purchased and used, and a few of the shops were already decorating for Christmas.

  Julia had been to a few agencies in search of a part-time job. She initially started off searching in the finance section but had to widen this to include HR and administration. There was a good selection of job opportunities to choose from at the local job-centre; however, finding a part-time job was proving to be tricky. During the children’s holidays Julia would also have to hire a child-minder, so there were additional costs to factor in. She was looking for a job that would pay well so that it was feasible for her to work despite the child-minding costs and at the same time would provide the right kind of experience for her to move up the career ladder and enter in full-time employment when the children were older.

  Julia would drop off the children in the mornings and set out in search of a job. She took this very seriously and had contemplated many options. She had even considered asking Sophia whether she had kept any contacts of friends she knew who might be looking for this sort of recruitment. In the end she had never got down to telling her, primarily because she would have had to tell Sophia that she was looking for a job and she was not prepared to do so yet, but also because an inner pride spurred her into attempting to do this on her own. This would be her conquest and hers alone and she would do it whole-heartedly and with dedication and motivation. Finding a job meant so much more than the extra financial income. It meant that she would regain that feeling of independence and self-worth; the feeling that she was not just Ben’s wife or the mother of three children. She was a career woman, ambitious and assertive in her job. She could already picture herself in a smart, tailor cut trouser suit leaning back in a high-backed swivel chair or walking through the office with the clicking of her court shoes on the parquet flooring like some gracious Spanish dancer clutching her mug instead of her castanets.

  It was definitely something she was looking forward too. Julia knew that a job would increase her stress levels considerably; however, it was something she needed to do. Perhaps in retrospect it was also an attempt at filling the void she had so often felt in her life.

  By mid-November Julia had also attended a number of job-interviews. She had felt very confident during the interviews and believed that she had managed to answer the tricky questions successfully. She certainly sounded convincing in her skills at time-management and she managed to present her career break to raise the children as something very positive. Despite this she still hadn’t found a job.

  She finally struck lucky at the beginning of December. The job agency had phoned her to inform her that an advertising company were urgently seeking to recruit an HR executive. They were looking for someone on a part-time basis for a few hours a day. The candidate had to have experience in this area as well as computer skills and some background in HR. Initially Julia was tempted to refuse the offer as she felt far too over qualified for such a position; however, she knew that she would not lose anything in trying for the job. The interview turned out to be an unexpected surprise because although the position had been advertised for an executive the position described was a middle-management position and the salary was considerably higher than what Julia had expected. The company also offered all employees insurance cover and two club memberships. Julia was thrilled her mind was already imagining the social life she would eventually pick up and the new colleagues she would meet. The company was young and dynamic with many young employees. Even from the boardroom Julia could sense that the air was vibrant with talent. Julia wanted to join this team, like never before she felt that this was a place she could really fit into. Everything about the offices seemed captivating, staff had smiled at her when she nervously waited for her interview to begin and a few had attempted small talk whilst using the photocopier outside the boardroom.

  Following the interview Julia knew that she would have to wait an agonising weekend for any result. The interview had been held on a Friday morning and the CEO had promised her that she would have a reply by Monday. She was therefore very surprised when later that day her telephone vibrated whilst she was cooking dinner. The phone number was not one she was familiar with and she almost didn’t reply on time as she had to quickly wash her hands before picking up the phone. The radio was blaring in the background and the mobile almost slipped as her hands hadn’t been dried properly but all sounds seemed to stop in mid-air as she heard the speaker mention the company’s name. The person on the phone introduced her as the secretary to the CEO; she congratulated Julia on the success of the interview and told her that due to the urgency of the job required could she start as soon as possible. The phone conversation ended with Julia confirming that she would be ready to meet the Chairman again first thing on Monday morn
ing where she would sign her employment contract and commence work that same day.

  Julia’s mind was buzzing with thoughts. Although she had waited for this day for so long, she felt breathless just thinking about how fast it had happened. She hadn’t even had time to let Ben know about the interview and she had just accepted the job. Julia was bursting to tell Ben. She was about to phone him to tell him the good news. He should be on his way home right now, he would be listening to the car radio when all of a sudden the Parrot system would interrupt the music and advise him about the incoming call. She decided that she would prefer to tell him on his return, it shouldn’t be long now. Perhaps she would wait till she served dinner and then very casually whilst filling his glass of wine tell him ‘Oh by the way I found a job, I’m starting next Monday’. She could picture the surprise on his face. Maybe he would reach over to squeeze her hand and congratulate her, maybe he would open a better bottle of wine to celebrate. Julia couldn’t wait for Ben to return like a young child on Christmas morning eager to open up her gifts. She couldn’t stop looking at the clock and found herself pacing up and down the kitchen, stopping at intervals to stir the béchamel sauce. She helped herself to a glass of wine to calm her excitement and felt the wine warm her blood and make her cheeks all rosy. From her reflection in the concave surface of the stainless steel breadbin she caught herself smiling. She was on a high, a total sense of utter and complete euphoria. She wished that things with Sophia had remained as they had once been in the past when she could simply call her friend over and she would join them for dinner and help celebrate the good news. The situation was so different now, in a way it was much more strained, although ironically they were as close as ever. She would have to wait to tell Sophia. She didn’t know when as now with work things would be even more difficult; however, at this point she did not want to think about Sophia and how she would juggle the many visits that both women needed so desperately. Now was her moment. A moment that she would share with her ever so patient Ben: the love of her life who had loved her and supported her for so many years. The man who had stood by her through the pain of childbirth, through the fear they had felt when their children were ill and through the joys that their offspring had given them.

  In the end she couldn’t keep the news bottled inside her for any longer and like a champagne bottle that had been shaken vigorously, as soon as Ben turned the key in their back door lock, she flung open the door and started squealing with glee repeating the news over and over again. Ben hadn’t seen Julia like this in a long time; she looked so vibrant and full of energy. Her cheeks were red with the warmth in the kitchen and he could taste the wine on her lips as he planted a meaningful kiss. He moved her towards him but Julia didn’t want to be held she was explosive with the news. Even before he had time to take off his jacket and sit at the kitchen island Julia had started relating in infinite details about her morning’s experience. She wanted him to share everything she had seen and said. To feel the same pride she felt when she spoke about her achievement. She kept leaving bits out and going over to relate them so that the outcome consisted of hundreds of disjointed sentences. She related about the future colleagues she had spoken too. The memberships the CEO had spoken about and of course the duties and responsibilities she would have. She didn’t omit any detail. She described the boardroom and the CEO and even the chic coffee cups and the automatic espresso machine. She had so much to tell him. She hadn’t spoken to him for this long in ages. She kept on talking and talking throughout dinner too busy to talk to enjoy her food and the little she ate were hurried gulps as she continued relating. Ben listened patiently. Julia felt connected deeply to him as she looked at him looking back at her knowing that he was happy for her. She realised that she had often taken him for-granted and had really tested his patience with the intrusion of Sophia into their lives, after all he had given her so much and she really had so much to be thankful for. Why couldn’t she just be as happy as she felt this evening? Was it her fault that she always seemed to crave more? Ben had always seemed content in his relationship and even though she was convinced that there was something to the notebook entries she had been jotting down in the past months, she was not entirely sure that it was something that serious. Maybe it was just a combination of her fertile imagination and her ever growing insecurity. Maybe it was her guilty conscious at having built a wall of lies between them that was causing her to doubt Ben. Ben didn’t have to be like her and she was sure he wasn’t. She had no reason to believe he was lying to her. Now he was clearly genuinely pleased for her. The pride she felt in her achievement was also reflected in his eyes. His eyes spoke of admiration and pride. This was his wife, the woman he loved who was so devoted to their family and whom he clearly loved. Why did she always have to think of the thorn in the rose?

  Chapter 21

  Julia’s work was a new beginning for her. As expected her life suddenly became ten times more chaotic. Ben did his best to pitch in and by decreasing his overtime hours, this meant that they spent most evenings in each other’s company. After dinner they would check that the children were all tucked in bed and spend some time together enjoying each other’s company. It was the time to unwind and enjoy a glass of wine together. It was not the first time that they finished off a bottle of wine together. Julia was always careful not to overdo it, the last thing she needed was to have to face a hectic day with a massive hangover. Her mind was already throbbing, without the additional dose of alcohol to aggravate it. Even when she lay in bed at night she would go over the next day’s events thinking of the best routes to take to school and to work to avoid traffic. She was an expert at driving along the minor roads and fitting in all the errands she required. Her mind would think about the challenges her new job posed. She would think of new initiatives and strategies to portray the image of her efficiency at her work. She was highly motivated and loved every minute of it. She still hadn’t made any friends at her place of work; however, all her colleagues were always very warm towards her, they often asked her about the children and praised any of her initiatives which were discussed in team meetings. She felt that she had settled in well and the financial independence meant that she could once again splurge out on those little luxuries she had refrained from buying so many times before. These of course also included the little gifts she purchased for Sophia. She had placed the photos of Sophia and herself in a small frame on her new desk alongside a larger family photo showing five dazzling smiles. The photos were too precious to have been used as a book mark in the first place and the look that she had seen on Ben’s face whilst he had secretly scrutinised those photos still worried and perplexed her. Here they were safe; Ben would not see them and she would not have to mention them and at the same time she could feel close to Sophia by looking at the photos and thinking of her. She was seeing Sophia less and less now and the time away from her was even harder than she had envisaged. She missed her conversations with her friend, if in truth they could be called that, as after the attack they had tended to be very one-sided conversations; however, Sophia did not need to talk to her to show her that she was listening to her and sharing in what Julia was going through. The lack of words was compensated by the loving look in her eyes. It made Julia shiver because of its intensity. Her work had certainly not diminished her deep affection for her friend. It was yet another test to their friendship and it had surpassed it with flying colours. Julia was confident that the bond that existed between them was so strong that it would surpass any obstacle.

  The children took her new job in their stride. The fact that she was working when they were at school did not affect them much; however, the Christmas holidays which were soon approaching would be another matter. She knew that she could always fall back on her parents’ help if she really needed to; however, she knew that the children would be a lot to handle. The children needed to be entertained and they had so many activities that they were probably off better with someone younger who could drive them around and
was more energetic. Julia had thought of Sophia but she knew that the children would hate it in her cold, dusty, house. Sophia did not have the latest technology and was clearly not updated with children’s needs. Julia had never seen her go out since the accident, so driving her children around would be out of the question. She doubted if Sophia had even kept her cable and internet connection as Julia had often noticed that she never bothered opening her mail and left it stacked on the mahogany entry table in the hallway. Apart from the fact that the children wouldn’t like it, she was also sure that Ben would oppose the idea. Never in all this time had he asked her about her friendship with Sophia. He had probably assumed that they had argued and broke off their friendship, but he had never asked about it. This was very typical of him and these things did not arouse his curiosity, perhaps this was the reason why Julia was so surprised when she had caught Ben looking at the photos so intently. However, the fact that Ben never asked about Sophia clearly also showed that he was content that she no longer popped by their house and that she was no longer invited to dinner at their house. Ben had definitely never seen Sophia as Julia had seen her. The first time she had introduced Sophia to Ben she had expected Ben to be totally taken aback by Sophia, but although he had admitted that she was a very attractive and seductive woman he was not enchanted by her as Julia had been. Although Julia had always seen Sophia’s beauty as something verging on the celestial it was also her character that had drawn Julia to her. Her inner being was a perfect match for her outer image. She was a goddess inside and out.