The Prodigal Son Returns

by Jan Drexler

  “Why not?” Bram was persistent. “Is it because I’m new? Or because I lived Englisch for so long?”

  “Ne.” That wasn’t what she meant. “Or ja, it was at first, but not now.”

  “Then you just don’t like me.”

  “Ach, ne, it’s not that....” Ellie turned to him. How could he think that? Had she gone too far? But he grinned at her with that same cocksure grin, the dimple winking at her. She couldn’t help smiling back at him, and then she looked away. What a tease he could be!

  Bram turned in the glider so he was sitting sideways, facing her. He put his arm along the back of the seat, his hand brushing her shoulder. Ellie almost sighed with the comfortable pleasure the light touch gave her. It was so tempting to spend time with this man....

  “Ellie.” Bram’s tone was serious now. “I know I shouldn’t... I mean, I can’t help feeling that...well, there’s something about you that I...I think if we spent some time together, we could learn to be friends.”

  Ellie looked at him. He was teasing again, wasn’t he? His eyes held hers. She knew. As she looked into his blue eyes, she knew she could never just be his friend, and as quickly as that thought came, fear followed on its heels.

  “I can’t.” She whispered the words, tears filling her eyes. She couldn’t look at him anymore.

  “Why not?”

  “When I lost Daniel...” Ellie stopped, took a deep breath and let it out to steady herself. “It hurt so much. I can’t go through that again.” She turned to him, willing him to understand. “Don’t ask me to risk that.”

  Bram looked toward the barn, the muscle in his jaw working. Was he angry?

  “I can’t promise that you won’t be hurt.” This time he was the one who whispered. Not angry. He was afraid, too, but of what?

  Ellie blinked back the unshed tears. Where had that steel rod of resolve gone? The sensation of this man sitting next to her, encircling her within the shelter of his arms with a bare touch, had banished her determination in a single moment. What would an afternoon or evening with him do?

  “I...I can’t...”

  Bram looked at her, but she turned her face away. She was too close to giving in to risk looking at him. He didn’t speak, didn’t move.

  After a long minute she turned toward him, ready to say that he should leave, but the look on his face arrested her. She had never seen him so open, so vulnerable, so tender. He lifted his hand to her face and touched the strand of hair that always came loose. He let it run through his fingers and then tucked it behind her ear. He leaned closer, his eyes locked on hers.

  “You’re right.” His voice was hoarse, strained. “I know you’re right. I can’t let you risk this.”

  Then, abruptly, he was gone, striding toward the barn. He didn’t look back.

  Ellie’s hand shook as she picked up her sewing again, her mind following after Bram as he disappeared around the corner of the house. Her eyes blurred.

  The tears that had waited at the edge for so long threatened again, pushing to be released. She hadn’t cried when Daniel died, not even through the long months of that winter. She hadn’t cried through all the lonely evenings of the spring and summer, or even during Sally’s wedding the past fall.

  Even when Levi Zook had come courting, even when the temptation of joining their families together had enticed her, she hadn’t given in. She had stood firm, holding on to Daniel’s dream, keeping the tears walled up.

  But now, after this one man showed a hint of tenderness, a crack threatened to burst the dam. Slow, hot tears wet her cheeks as her thoughts raced.

  What was it that battered against her defenses? Was it Bram’s gentle touch?

  She went over their conversation in her mind. It wasn’t anything he had said; it was what he did. With his arm around her she had felt sheltered, protected. She hadn’t felt so cherished since Daniel had held her last.

  The memory of her own helplessness as she had willed Daniel to live, to breathe, to open his eyes assailed her.

  “No, no, no!” she whispered to the air, to someone...to Gott? “Don’t ask me to do that again.”

  Dat’s words during the preaching on Sunday came back to her. What was it he said? Trust Gott? A sob rose in her throat at this thought.

  She furiously stopped the tears that threatened to overwhelm her again. She needed to think this through. He had hit the center of her whole problem. The layer of cotton fog that lay between her and the sisters and brothers at church, her fear of loving again, the way every day was a hard chore to get through... The trust was gone. Gott had betrayed her.

  Trusting Him had been so easy once. Joy had been part of her life before, and she longed to have that feeling back. She had done all the right things, lived the right way, but there was more she needed to do.

  Gott knew she had closed her heart to Him. The tears fell freely again as she considered this. She had closed her heart tightly against the loving Father of her childhood.

  It wasn’t my fault.

  The protest rose against a flood of accusations. It was her fault. Could she ever be forgiven?

  Trust Him. Was it as simple as that?

  A phrase from Mam’s favorite Psalm echoed in her mind: “He shall cover thee with His feathers, and under His wings shalt thou trust.”

  Even her? Did He cover her with His feathers? Even though she was the one stubborn chick who must poke her head out from under the shelter?

  The words were simple enough. Gott could be her refuge, her protection. He would lead her in the right way, if only she could trust Him enough to follow—allow Him to forgive.

  Tears streamed down her cheeks as the dam ruptured. She buried her face in the bundle of Johnny’s trousers, letting the tears flow. Long minutes passed until the wrenching sobs left her empty of every feeling, drained and exhausted.

  She had nowhere else to turn except to hide under His wings. She must trust Him.

  * * *

  Bram struggled to shut the door in his mind. A lesson he had learned in Chicago was to never show your feelings to anyone. Keep thoughts, memories and emotions behind mental doors. That was the only way to survive. But this door refused to shut.

  What was his problem? She was just a girl. He had known plenty of girls before, girls who were a lot prettier than that Plain woman sitting on the other side of the house. Even as he tried to convince himself, he knew that his arguments didn’t work. Babs’s brittle brightness didn’t compare to the gentle womanliness of this one.

  She was just a girl! He hammered mercilessly on that imaginary door, willing it to close, shutting away the urge to rush back and crush her in his arms, to kiss her and keep kissing her until she yielded to him and promised to be his.

  He stopped short at the barn door. John Stoltzfus would see right through him if he walked into the barn like this.

  He took a deep breath, willing the mask to fall across his face. Emotionless, unaffected. He had to get that mental door shut, and quick.

  Stop thinking about her.

  If he wasn’t careful, he’d find himself trapped in a marriage he didn’t want, slogging through every day following some horse around a field...

  It doesn’t have to be like that.

  No, it didn’t have to. He saw that in the way John Stoltzfus looked at his wife. Even after all these years, they had something his mam and dat had never had.

  But that life isn’t for you. Stop thinking about her.

  That blasted lock of hair. He rubbed his fingers on his pants to get rid of the silky softness and felt the revolver in his pocket. The unyielding metal stopped him short. Letting his breath out with a whoosh, he felt the door slam shut. Cold, hard reality had done it. If he got too caught up in a girl, it could be the end of him.

  Not just him. Cold water ran through his bo
dy at this thought. He looked back at the Dawdi Haus, sheltered close under the maple trees that filled the yard around it. If the mob had any idea he cared about someone, it would be their first weapon against him. He’d have to keep that door closed and locked, no matter how tempting it was to open.

  * * *

  Ellie pumped water onto a towel and held it to her eyes, glad the tears had finally stopped. The cool water felt good against her hot face. Susan would be getting up from her nap soon, and she didn’t want swollen, red eyes to be the first thing she saw.

  The ache was gone. Ellie dropped the towel from her face and stared out the kitchen window. The crying had washed away the pain in her chest, arms and throat that had become so normal she barely noticed it. But now it was gone.

  She rinsed the towel in fresh water and held it to her face again.

  The door of the children’s bedroom opened quietly. Ellie put a smile on her face as she turned to greet Susan—a smile that didn’t need to be forced. The little girl yawned.

  “Did you have a good nap?” Ellie sat down in one of the kitchen chairs and pulled Susan onto her lap.

  Susan nodded as she leaned against Ellie. Ellie held her close for a minute, and then she straightened her up so she could rebraid Susan’s mussed hair.

  “We’re going to work in the garden until it’s time to make supper.” Ellie combed her fine hair with her fingers and then started braiding. “Will you help me?”

  “Ja. Danny can help, too.”

  “Ja, when he wakes up.”

  The beans that needed thinning were at the end of the garden closest to the main house. Susan skipped along the path in front of her.

  They hadn’t gone far when Ellie heard Danny’s cry. He hadn’t slept long, either.

  “Susan, I’m going in to get Danny. I’ll be right back.”

  Susan nodded and stopped at the foot of the ramp leading to the barn to wait. Ellie hurried into the house.

  All was quiet as she looked in the door of the bedroom where Danny was sound asleep. He must have had a dream.

  As she stepped back out to the porch, she saw Bram leading the big gray gelding down the ramp to the lane. The horse was skittish, prancing sideways and pulling on the halter while Bram talked to him, calming him.

  Then she saw Susan. The little girl stood like a statue at the bottom of the ramp, staring at the horse’s dancing feet as they came closer and closer. Bram hadn’t seen her—couldn’t see her as the horse moved sideways, blocking Susan from his sight. The girl didn’t move.

  With her heart pounding, Ellie ran toward her daughter, but she couldn’t move quickly enough. The horse kicked and danced—he would step right over Susan; she would be hit by his hooves.

  “Bram!” She screamed his name as she ran. “Stop!”

  Thank Gott in heaven, he heard her.

  Bram halted the horse, calming him with his voice and hands. She saw his face when he noticed Susan just a few feet away. He turned white, then gray. He looked at Ellie, and his eyes reflected her horror of what might have happened.

  Ellie reached for Susan, but he held out a hand to stop her.

  “Let me.” He smiled at her, his face changing in an instant, as if he had slid on a calm mask, and then knelt in front of Susan. The horse shook his head, watching Bram, but stood quietly.

  Ellie waited, trying to catch her breath. What was he doing?

  “Hello, Susan,” he said, his voice quiet and controlled.

  Susan’s eyes were wide, staring at the horse, and tears ran down her cheeks. At the sound of Bram’s voice, she looked at him as he knelt at eye level between her and the horse.

  “I just bought this horse from your dawdi.” Bram went on in the same quiet tone. “Do you want to say hello to him? His name is Partner.”

  Ellie’s instinct was to grab Susan, take her away from the horse. Why torment her like this? But Susan relaxed at Bram’s words and even took a step closer to him. He gave her a reassuring smile and picked her up. A rush of warmth flowed through Ellie as she recognized the same step she had taken toward Gott just a little while earlier. Susan placed her trust in Bram.

  “Partner is so happy to go for a walk with me that he was dancing down the ramp. Did you see him?” Bram’s even voice was quiet, inviting.

  Susan nodded and leaned against Bram’s shoulder, as far from the horse as she could get, but she smiled.

  “Do you want to say hello to Partner?”

  Susan nodded again.

  “Then talk like this.” Bram started saying nonsense words in a singsongy voice that made Susan laugh. She imitated him in the same tone of voice.

  “Have you ever felt how soft a horse’s nose is?”

  Susan shook her head, staring at the horse. He was still calm, watching Bram.

  “Take your hand like this.”

  Ellie watched him take Susan’s hand and stroke the horse’s nose. She shook her head in disbelief. How did he do that?

  Bram turned toward her, and Ellie stepped forward to take Susan from his arms.

  “Denki,” she said, “Susan has been so frightened of horses ever since—”

  “I know,” Bram interrupted her. “Your father told me about it.”

  They stood close together, Susan reaching for Partner while Ellie held her.

  “I’ve been thinking...”

  Bram didn’t say anything, wasn’t even looking at her. He held the horse’s head still while Susan patted the whiskery nose.

  “I’ve been thinking that I would like to go riding with you.”

  Bram shot her a quick look. What was that in his eyes? Fear? Ne, longing. Longing that matched her own. He nodded, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed.

  “I’d like that, too. How about Sunday afternoon? There’s no church that day, right?”

  Ellie nodded. “Sunday afternoon will be fine.”

  Bram gave her a quick smile, but it was a smile that never threatened to slide into his grin. Did he regret asking her? He tucked that stray strand of hair back behind her ear again with a shaky hand.

  What had she gotten herself into?

  Chapter Eight

  Thursday at noon Ellie ate a quick lunch with Mam while Dat and the boys were at Bram’s farm with the other men. Dishes were done in no time, and Ellie settled the last plate into the cupboard with a quiet clink. She closed the door and turned to survey Mam’s kitchen. Were they finished already?

  “Doesn’t take much to redd up after such a small meal, does it?” Mam wiped the crumbs from the oilcloth on the table.

  “Ne, with Dat and the boys away, it was a quiet dinner.”

  “Why don’t you put Susan and Danny down for their naps here, and you can help me finish up my new quilt top.”

  Susan loved taking her afternoon nap at Grossmutti’s house, sleeping in the big upstairs room that Ellie had once shared with her sisters. Danny was already asleep by the time she laid him down on the bed next to Susan. She smiled at her daughter as she pulled the door closed, and Susan responded by putting her own little finger to her lips in a sign that she would be quiet. Susan would be asleep by the time Ellie reached the room off the kitchen that Mam used as her sewing room.

  Mam had most of the blocks already pieced and was arranging them on the sewing table.

  “Who is this quilt for?” Ellie asked, picking up one of the blocks. From the colors, it looked as if Mam had used leftover scraps from making men’s shirts. She had arranged the blocks on her worktable to form the Tumbling Blocks pattern.

  “I’m hoping it will be for your brother Reuben.”

  “A quilt for Reuben? Then he’s serious about someone.”

  Mam’s eyes twinkled as she switched blocks around to work out the best order for them.

  “Yo
u know your brother. He won’t tell us for sure, but he’s out every Saturday night with someone. And he spends most of Saturday afternoon cleaning his courting buggy.”

  “It will be fun to have another wedding in the fall.”

  “Ach, ja, it will.” Mam looked at Ellie. “Maybe two weddings? Wouldn’t that be fun?”

  “But who else would be getting married? Benjamin is too young....” Suddenly Ellie realized what her mother was hinting at. “Now, Mam, don’t be getting any ideas.”

  “Not get any ideas from the look in Levi’s eyes when he sees you?”

  “I’ve already told him ne. I feel sorry for him, but that’s no reason to marry.”

  “He needs a wife.” Mam sighed as she switched another block around. “Dat and I thought it would make a good match last fall, you and him. Both of you needing someone, and his little ones need a memmi for sure.”

  “Mam, we’ve talked about this already.”

  “Ja, I know.” Mam waved a quilt block in the air. “But some time has passed. I thought perhaps you had changed your mind.”

  “Ne, Mam. Nothing has changed.” Her mind brought up the image of Bram, the tender look on his face as he had let that stubborn lock of hair glide through his fingers.... Her cheeks grew hot. Something had changed, but not with Levi. Levi had never made her blush.

  Mam gave up any pretense of working on the quilt and looked directly at Ellie.

  “It’s time I spoke plain to you, Ellie Miller. You need a husband, and your children need a father. The Bible tells us that young widows should marry, and it’s time for you to be thinking about it.”

  Ellie sat down in one of the small rocking chairs, still holding two of the blocks in her hands, forgotten.

  “Ach, Mam, I know I should marry again, but I just don’t feel ready.”

  “Daughter, you’ll never feel ready.”

  “But what if...”

  “What if you lose him, too?” Mam finished the sentence for her quietly. “Is this what has been holding you back? And I’m not just talking about marriage—I’ve noticed it with the family and with the church family. You’re holding yourself at a distance from everyone.”