The Prodigal Son Returns

by Jan Drexler

  “Ja.” Ellie nodded. “I’ve just come to realize that when Daniel died...” She stopped and wiped away a tear. Tears came every day lately. She took a ragged breath. “When Daniel died, it was like my whole world stopped. I just haven’t been able to go on.... I’ve been so afraid that Gott will take someone else—one of the children, or you or Dat. If I married again, I’d have to risk losing a husband all over again. I’m just not sure I’m ready to do that—to take that risk.”

  Mam came to sit in the other rocking chair, next to her. She laid her hand on Ellie’s arm. The touch was comforting, warm, familiar.

  “Ja, I’ve seen your struggle. But you can trust Gott.”

  Ellie gave her mother a small smile. “That’s just what Dat said in his sermon.”

  “Well, he’s usually right.”

  “Ja, he is.”

  “What about Levi? I’ve seen him with his children. He’s a good father, and he would treat your children as if they were his own.”

  Ellie nodded, tears threatening again. Levi was a good father, but the look on Susan’s face as Bram held her, helping her to overcome her fear of the horse, tightened her throat.

  “Don’t let your pride stand in the way of Gott’s plan for you and your family, Ellie.”

  Mam’s words interrupted her thoughts like a burst soap bubble.

  “Pride?”

  “Pride is a terrible sin. It can make us think that we know better than Gott does. It can make us afraid to trust Him and His plan for our lives.”

  There was that word again. Trust. It should be easy, shouldn’t it?

  “But how do I know what His plan is?”

  Mam smiled as she patted Ellie’s arm and went back to the worktable.

  “Do you remember when you told me you and Daniel had decided to marry?”

  Ellie’s mind flew back to that long-ago time. Had it really been almost nine years?

  “You told me that you knew Daniel was the one for you because you were so happy.”

  Ellie nodded, unable to trust her voice. That had been such a joyful time, full of bright promise.

  “Listen for Gott, Ellie, and look for that same feeling of peace. When we are in Gott’s will, He gives us peace. Whether Levi is the right one for you or not, Gott will lead you to the right decision.”

  Levi? That decision had already been made. Levi was a nice man and a good father. Someone would love to be his wife, but not her. Marriage to him would mean not only submitting herself to his will, but it would also mean burying Daniel’s dreams for his children. Johnny, Susan and Danny would become part of Levi’s many children.

  And Daniel’s legacy would be buried forever.

  * * *

  Bram leaned on the top rail of the pasture fence. It had been a long day, but now ten acres were plowed and planted to corn. It would be a good cash crop to start out. He pulled out his handkerchief and wiped the sweat off his face and neck again.

  Matthew joined him at the fence. “We’re heading home, Bram.”

  “I don’t know how to thank you.”

  “Ach, don’t worry about it. It’s what we do.”

  Was it really as simple as that? Eight men had taken an entire day of work, a day they needed for working on their own places, and had spent it here on his farm. Bram swallowed. A farm that he’d be leaving behind as soon as he found Kavanaugh. With any luck, he’d never even see this corn harvested come November.

  Bram thanked each of the men as they left his farm. When he reached Bishop Yoder, the old man took Bram’s hand and held it in his own frail ones, but his voice was strong.

  “I haven’t officially welcomed you back. I hope you’re feeling at home here.”

  “Ja, Bishop. The church has made me feel very welcome.”

  “There’s a baptism class starting next week. You’re welcome to join it.”

  Bram’s first instinct was to give a pat reply—assure the bishop that he’d be there—but lying to the elderly man didn’t come easy.

  “I’ll have to let you know....”

  Bishop nodded, reached up to pat him on the shoulder and then turned to climb onto the seat of the waiting wagon with his two grown sons.

  As tired as he was, Bram tried to feel elated over the bishop’s words. This meant he was accepted, that they were willing to talk to him about joining the community. But going through baptism and everything that went with it? He was already misleading the church by making them think he was settling here permanently. Bram shifted his shoulders. Lying to that kind old man didn’t feel right.

  Bram joined John as he stood looking over the newly planted fields. He could hear Benjamin and Reuben hammering in the barn. They had volunteered to repair the box stall and manger so it would be usable.

  “A lot of work got done today,” John said, his voice tired.

  “It sure did. The men really helped out. Getting such a late start as I did, I would never have been able to do this on my own.”

  “You know you’re not alone. When you become part of the community, they help you out.” John scraped his boot on the bottom fence rail. “They know you’ll return the work when it’s needed somewhere else.”

  Bram rubbed his face, feeling the late-afternoon stubble of his beard. “My dat...well, you know what he was like. I don’t remember him ever helping out like this.”

  The sun rode high in the sky, even though suppertime was near. The world he had lived in growing up—that world where his dat avoided the other men of the church as much as they avoided him—was far away from this place.

  “I saw you talking with Bishop Yoder.”

  “Ja. He invited me to join the membership class.”

  “That would be a good step, but it isn’t something to take lightly.”

  Bram looked out across the field again, his gut twisting uncomfortably.

  “Ja, I know. I’m not sure I’m ready yet.” Would he ever be ready to join the church? Maybe, if he was able to stay around long enough. For the first time in his life, the thought appealed to him.

  “It’s better for a man to wait, if there are things in his past that need to be dealt with first.”

  John’s voice was easy, companionable, but his words went straight to Bram’s heart, leaving him gasping for air. He had this man figured out, didn’t he? He shifted his eyes to John’s and then back to the field. Why did he have the feeling John saw right through him?

  * * *

  Bram stood in the center of the drive, between the barn and the house, alone at last. His farm. His fields. His frogs croaking by the stream. It was almost ready for him...ready for a family. He could almost hear children’s voices calling from the barn, could almost smell supper cooking on the stove.

  Bram stared at the kitchen window of the empty house. A family? What if he had found someone to marry all those years ago? What if he had never left? Would he have the kind of life Matthew and Annie had?

  Probably not. He would have become his Dat all over again, just like Samuel, drowning himself in moonshine and anger.

  Those years in Chicago weren’t wasted. Peters had made something of him—but what? He was good at what he did, and bringing criminals to justice was the right thing to do. So why did his life still feel so empty?

  The west-facing window was golden with the reflected setting sun. Dappled shadows played across the surface. If Ellie were there, she’d watch for him through that window. She’d wave and smile; the corners of her mouth would upturn in anticipation of the long summer evening stretching before them.

  Ellie. She wasn’t in his plans. He had no business getting involved with a woman, especially her. If she was hurt because of him...

  He didn’t know what he’d do.

  And yet, what if she married someone else? Someone who could take car
e of her, be a father to the children. He shut his eyes at the thought of Johnny’s delighted face, Danny’s drooling grin, the memory of Susan’s shy, sweet smile. So much like her mother.

  He rubbed his face with both hands, looking around him. He was still standing in the middle of the barnyard, mooning around like some lovesick teenager. What was happening to him?

  The back door of the house stood open. He’d opened both the front and back doors earlier in the day. That skunk smell was fading, but it would need a few more days of airing before the house was livable. He walked through the house to the front bedroom and slid the window closed. The window faced north, and a lilac bush half covered it, throwing the room into shadow. He faced the room, leaning against the windowsill.

  Bram buried his face in his hands. The thought of what he should do wrenched his gut. He should keep his distance. Shut every thought of Ellie Miller away. Why did he ever have to meet her? He couldn’t marry her. Why had that thought ever entered his head?

  But the memory of the few close moments they had shared on her glider the other day came roaring out of the sealed place in his mind. He groaned with the thought of never letting himself be alone with her again. But that was what he should do. He had to forget her. He had to. He could never be just her friend.

  If the mob ever found out about her...

  He forced his thoughts to obey. Shut the door. Lock Ellie away. Keep her out of your thoughts.

  He tried to remember Kavanaugh’s narrow face, the noise of the city, Babs’s platinum bob, to bring something—anything—else to his mind, but the only image that came was a stubborn lock of hair that escaped its confinement under a pure white kapp. Ellie again. It would always be Ellie.

  He wrenched his thoughts away. Why couldn’t he forget her?

  With a dash of cold clarity, he knew. God was doing this. Tempting him. Destroying him. What was He doing, meddling in this? It had nothing to do with Him! Bram had spent his entire life ignoring God; why couldn’t He do the same?

  Trust Him. Trust Him. Trust Him.

  The memory of John’s sermon played like a record needle caught in a groove. John had said that was what he was supposed to do.

  Trust God? The way his life was going, he couldn’t trust anyone, especially God.

  What if he did? What if he trusted God to take care of Ellie, and then He failed?

  Did God fail?

  What if God trusted him to take care of Ellie, and Bram failed? He’d try his hardest, but he had failed before, and he would do it again. He couldn’t bear the thought of being responsible if something happened to Ellie or the children.

  Trust Him.

  Did he dare?

  * * *

  Sunday morning Ellie woke with a dream still haunting the edges of her memory. Daniel. She sat up, trying to clear the lingering remnants of the dream. What time was it?

  Amid the predawn clamor of the birds, the dream became clear. She was at a Sunday meeting at the Troyers’, and Daniel stood at her shoulder. She had turned toward him—what a joy it was to see his dear face once more—but his expression turned to reproach.

  “What about the children?”

  He had spoken softly, urgently, and then said it again.

  “What about the children?”

  Then he had turned and walked away from her.

  Was he disappointed in her? What had he meant? The children were fine, weren’t they? She was trying to keep his memory alive for them.

  But Daniel’s plans for his family were dropping in the dust with her struggling strawberry patch. They were dying, and she was doing nothing about it. She couldn’t let that happen, could she?

  Ellie turned on her stomach, burying her face in the pillow so her crying wouldn’t wake the children. Grief and regret pulled long sobs from her throat, cries of anguish that were swallowed by the pillow. She had failed Daniel while he was alive, and she continued to fail him now that he was dead.

  Her heart burned.

  “Ach, Gott.” Her voice was a cry of anguish in her head, but only a hoarse whisper escaped into the pillow. “Ach, Gott, help me. Why is this so hard?”

  Maybe she didn’t want to fulfill Daniel’s dreams. The thought tore another sob from her throat. How could she think that? She was Daniel’s wife. She had promised to work with him in life, and as he lay dying all that long, hot September day, she had promised to continue what they’d started.

  What about her own dreams? Had they died with Daniel?

  The sobs turned to deep sighs, and Ellie turned to look out the window. Through the top pane above the curtain, she could see the pink-and-yellow streaks of the coming sunrise.

  For months she had devoted every thought, every decision to the children, to making sure they received the legacy their father had wanted to give them. Daniel’s words from her dream thrummed once more.

  Ellie rose from her bed and peered out the window at the lightening world. An uncomfortable shadow in the back of her mind demanded attention. She had to face it. Her dreams? They were for her, not for the children. Stubborn through and through. Would she ever learn her lesson?

  What she wanted wasn’t what they needed. Mam was right, Lovina was right, even Levi Zook was right.

  Ellie wiped a hot tear from her cheek. She needed a husband. Her throat tightened. Ja, and the children needed a father, a strong man who could teach them the right way to live through his example.

  Across the road, the woodlot stretched to her right. When she was a little girl, she had seen a deer there once, the first one she had ever seen. Dat had been as excited as she was, and he had told her how the deer had been hunted for so long that they were very rare, and she was especially blessed to have seen one. Dat shared that special memory with her, something that belonged to the two of them.

  Her own children had no dat to share anything with. Had she been selfish to try to keep Daniel alive for them? Who would they go to when they needed something only a father could give them?

  Who would she go to when she needed something only a husband could give her?

  Ellie leaned her head against the window frame, turning this question over in her mind. As she watched the birds flit from the trees of the woodlot down to the bit of brackish water in the ditch where the frogs lived, a deer stepped out of the cover of the trees. The doe paused, watching, listening, then took another step and lowered her head to drink. Ellie’s breath caught as she watched two fawns follow the doe, mimicking every movement, their long ears flicking at every sound.

  She had been doubly blessed by the presence of these beautiful, elusive creatures.

  Her eyes filled with tears again as she caught the significance of her thought. Gott could also bless her twice by giving her two men to love in her life. Loving another man didn’t take anything away from her love for Daniel. How could she have been so blind, thinking that choosing another husband meant she had betrayed Daniel?

  The tight band around her throat loosened further, and she took a deep breath, smiling up at the sky, pale yellow in the imminent daybreak.

  “Denki,” she whispered.

  Chapter Nine

  Mam helped Susan into the family buggy Sunday afternoon. “Ellie, you’re sure you don’t want to come with us to Lovina’s? I hate for you to miss out on the visit.”

  “Ja, I’m sure. I know you’ll have a good time, but I have other plans. Bram will be here soon.”

  As Ellie handed Danny up to Mandy in the back of the buggy, she saw the look that passed between her parents. Well, let them think what they would, but her plans for this Sunday afternoon were simple. Bram was going to take her to see his farm and get her opinion on what needed to be done in his kitchen. It wasn’t as if they were courting!

  Once the family buggy was gone, the farm settled into a quiet that Ellie s
eldom heard. The early-summer sun was hot, and the cows had all sought the shade of the pasture. One pig’s grunting echoed through the empty barn, keeping rhythm with the thump and clatter as he rubbed against the wooden planks of the sty.

  Ellie wandered to the lilac bushes that surrounded the front porch of the big house, and she buried her face in the blossoms. They were nearly spent, but the scent still lingered. On either side of the front walk, Mam’s peony bushes held round pink-and-green buds. Another day or two, and they would burst into bloom.

  Sitting on the front step, Ellie was enveloped in the fragrant lilacs growing on either side. She leaned back into the shaded seclusion and pushed aside one of the branches. Ja, even after all these years, her very own playhouse still waited between the leggy branches of the bushes. Lovina’s had been on the other side of the porch steps, while Sally’s had been around the corner.

  Was that a cup? Ellie leaned farther into the bush. For sure, there were a cup and a plate, with carefully arranged leaves for food. So Rebecca and Mandy had found the playhouses, too. Had they shared that same thrill of discovery that she and Lovina had the day they found these secret places?

  The measured clip-clop of a horse’s hooves on the gravel road brought her to her feet. What if Bram found her here? The thought brought heat to her cheeks. They would be alone, hidden from the road by the trees, in the cool shade of the lilac bushes. He was so bold—would he try to kiss her? Did she want him to kiss her? She rubbed her hands on her apron. Friends didn’t kiss, and friends didn’t think about the feel of his touch on her shoulder.

  She hurried to meet him in the lane at the end of the front walk.

  “Good afternoon.” He smiled as he greeted her, the dimple winking in his cheek. It would be so much easier to be his friend if he didn’t have the kind of smile that made her knees feel like jelly.

  “Hello, Bram.” Ellie climbed into the front seat of the buggy as he brought it to a stop. “It’s certainly a nice day for a drive.”