For The Love of Ash

by Taylor Lavati

  "Yeah…" It really started to sink in. Her situation was more than I was making it out to be. I knew she had a son, but I didn't even think about how young she had him. He was a great kid, but raising him at sixteen must have been a nightmare.

  "What's going on in there?" Dr. Linhart asked, tilting her head to the side.

  "I guess I didn't think about her situation fully."

  "Does it worry you?"

  "That she has a kid? Not really."

  "No. That she's probably had a rough life. That she probably expects more from a relationship than a normal girl your age. Is that intimidating to you?"

  "It wasn't until you just brought it up."

  "I'm just trying to figure out where you're at with this relationship." She paused and waited for me to look up and meet her eyes. She was big on eye contact. "You had to have known that getting into a physical fight would trigger your mother. But you risked it for this woman. You were protecting her, not acting out of anger. Do you want a long term relationship? Do you think you're ready to settle down?"

  "I'm not ready to settle down. I live at my mother's house for Christ's sake. But I like her. I find her interesting, and I want to know more about her."

  "Do you like her selfishly, or do you genuinely care for her?"

  "I hardly know her. How can I care for her?"

  "Don't fight against what you think. Do you care for her more than just liking or wanting to know more?"

  "I guess so. But I'm not going to see her again," I muttered, not liking my own answer. But I knew it was what was best. I also realized how stupid it sounded.

  "Why not?"

  "I hit her by accident when I was fighting with the asshole. She got completely freaked out. I ran after her, and tried to touch her and she flinched. She actually pulled back like she was scared of me. I don't think I'm good for her. Even if I like her or care or whatever, I'm no good."

  "You're just making excuses for yourself. You can choose to be good, Luke. Every day you're faced with thousands of choices that shape who you are as a person. Whether you're worth it or not is up to you."

  "She has enough going on with her son. I just don't think she needs more drama."

  "And you're drama?"

  "My family is. That's for damn sure, and I know you know it too."

  "Listen, whether you pursue her or not, that's your choice. I would tread lightly, take it slow if you do. If you truly are interested, you'll have to work to earn her trust. If you let her go, fine. But don't do it because you think you're not worth it."

  I checked the clock on the wall and saw that our hour was just about up. I stood, a fake smile plastered to my face. "I guess we made it through," I muttered.

  "Next week we're talking about your father."

  "Looking forward to it," I said as I shook Dr. Linhart's hand. In the hallway, I texted Lilly that I was finished. She immediately answered saying she was already in the parking lot with hot Starbucks.

  I saw the white car the second I left the office and jogged over.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Maggie

  "Finally!" June yelled when I walked into the classroom. I was fifteen minutes early for class, but June was already sitting in her desk in the back, popping her gum with her feet up.

  "Hello to you, too," I said as I walked over and sat down beside her.

  "You answer my text with a simple I'm fine and expect me not to freak out! Don't tell me you went home with Luke boy." I looked around and saw only one other person in the room. He was too busy typing on his laptop, earbuds in, to even notice my presence.

  "I did not. He got in a fight with some guy, and I left. I looked for you but couldn't find you, so I walked home."

  "Are you kidding me?" she gasped, glaring at me with her wide coal-lined eyes. "You walked home?"

  "I didn't have much of a choice. Luke shoved me by accident, and I fell backwards, but he was so busy pummeling that asshole that he didn't even notice me. So I left."

  "I'm so sorry, Maggie." She sat back in her seat and covered her face with her hands, as if she was about to cry.

  "It's really fine. We were only like three miles away."

  "You could have been hurt."

  "We live in an area with a negative crime rate. I was fine. I didn't get mugged or anything. I'm fine," I told her as I reached across the aisle. I grabbed onto her arm and pulled it away from her face. She wasn't crying, but she wasn't happy either.

  "I should've stayed with you," she muttered.

  "June, I swear, I'm fine." I nodded, emphasizing my point.

  "Okay," she answered, resting her head on her hand. "So, tell me about Luke."

  "Damn, you bounce back fast."

  "Do you love him?"

  "What kind of question is that? I hardly know him." I winkled my nose at the notion.

  "It didn't seem like that when you were making out at the club. You definitely know more about him than me."

  "We made out." I paused. "That's it."

  "Whatever. I think something else is going on there."

  "He freaked out on me anyway. After I ran out, he followed me in his truck. But when I asked him to apologize—yes, I asked him—he got mad and left me. He didn't say sorry for hitting me and just ran off."

  "Did he say anything at all?"

  "No. He just didn't remember he hit me, which is understandable since he was fighting that sketchy man. I wasn't even that mad about it."

  "You should be mad. A guy shouldn't hit you."

  "It was an accident. I know that."

  "But still. I heard that Luke's been to jail."

  "He's a teacher!" I glared at her because I knew that couldn't be true. They wouldn't let him be around kids if he had a bad temper, or a record. That must've just been a rumor.

  "Maybe he knows someone. I'm telling you, when he started coming here this semester rumors started floating around. But the jail thing has been a consistent one."

  "I don't know…"

  "You should just ask him about it."

  "I wouldn't want him asking me about my past, so I won't ask him about his. Where's he even from?"

  "He went to Wilmington Prep, just two towns over. Parents are super rich. He has an older sister. He finished his undergrad in three years, played lacrosse. What else do you want to know?"

  "Are you a spy or something?"

  "No, but I eavesdrop."

  "Smart girl," I muttered as the class began.

  "Just be careful, okay? You have Ash. You should forget about Luke and just focus on your brother. I know if I was Ash, that's what I'd want." She looked at me like she was speaking from experience.

  "That's the plan."

  I dreaded having to see Luke. With all the information that June had thrown my way, I feared that my opinion of him had changed. I knew deep down that he wasn't a bad guy. That was obvious, but the rumors flew in the back of my brain. I couldn't help but listen to them.

  There were only three kids in the class before I got there. I was tempted to find a new seat away from Luke, but I didn't want to be transparent. Truthfully, now that I knew more, I wanted to keep exploring Luke and finding out more.

  I wasn't upset about what happened at the club. I was more mad over the fact that he left me to walk home than the shoving. I wasn't hurt. I knew it only happened in some misplaced sense of being protective over me. I didn't exactly trust him, wouldn't leave him alone with Asher, but I doubted he was violent or had problems with it.

  My heart waited for Luke to enter the room. Every time I heard a scuffle outside the door, I swear I stopped breathing. But by the time Dr. Atwater came in, Luke was still nowhere to be found.

  "Welcome class. Whoever is presenting their chapter today, please come to the front of the room." Two kids behind me stood and walked to the front with a stack of notecards in their hands.

  One was a girl with dark hair and wide-rimmed glasses that were all the rage lately, although it seemed like she actually needed her gla
sses to see instead of wearing them for style purposes.

  I could barely listen to their introduction of chapter two since I kept waiting to see Luke walk through the doors. I faintly registered Dr. Atwater taking over the lecture and explaining how baby's brains worked, but my brain was focused on Luke.

  Who was he? Where was he?

  He went to school here; yet he already had a degree and was a gym teacher at an elementary school. He couldn't be much older than me. I wanted to ask June his age, but I didn't want her to know how interested I really was in him.

  There was something about him that I couldn't pinpoint. He was different in a way that was normal. He had a swagger to him that was attractive, but it wasn't like a player's. He seemed down-to-earth and understanding. Yet he came from a lot of money and went to a prep school. He knew at least part of my situation with Ash; yet he didn't push me to explain more.

  Why wouldn't a guy who was interested in me want to know about my baggage? It was shitty to say but true at the same time. When I was a wild child in college, I always made sure there were no kids, wives, or other shit in a guy's past.

  It didn't make sense.

  Before I knew it, class was dismissed. I looked down at the piece of paper and pen in my hand and saw the intricate designs on the paper. I had missed the entire hour and a half lecture.

  A sun began at the bottom of my page, and its rays extended past the edges of the page. I had drawn Luke's name in the curvy lines around the outline without meaning to.

  I quickly pulled the piece of paper out of the my notebook and crumpled it. On my way out of the door, I threw the paper away. I couldn't deal with it. I had to relax.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Maggie

  Over the past two days, my mind was consumed by thoughts of Luke.

  I sat in the back of Dr. Atwater's classroom and waited for Luke to show up again. I had decided that I had to take it easy. I had to apologize for running away from the club, while asking him what his problem was. I had rehearsed my speech since class on Tuesday, taking the next two days to perfect it until I felt comfortable.

  "Where have you been?"

  "I've been busy."

  "Listen, I'm sorry for leaving the club. I just wanted an apology."

  "I'm sorry for hitting you."

  "That's all I wanted. Thank you. But I am upset you left me to walk home."

  "I was blinded by my love."

  "Okay. How old are you?"

  My conversations with Luke got more and more small-talk-like, and I liked how our relationship was moving along. However, it was all fake. I wasn't delusional. I knew that my conversation today would most likely tank. But it was fun to pretend for just a moment.

  Luke didn't seem like the type of guy to apologize. And I wasn't sure I even wanted him to anymore. With Luke's absence I was reminded that I had to focus on Ash. Luke could only be used as a distraction intermittently.

  Dr. Atwater walked into class, and Luke was still gone. I knew where he worked, so the school was a sure way to see him. We presented our chapter next week, and I didn't want to do it alone.

  Yeah. That was the reason I went.

  I grabbed my bag from the ground and ran from the room. I ignored Dr. Atwater's questions as I ran down the hall and expelled a sigh the second I exited the building.

  I pulled out my pack of cigarettes and quickly smoked one to calm myself down, while I frantically dialed his phone number. I had never done anything this bizarre before. I was chasing after Luke—for what? I didn't understand my motivation. But I knew that I couldn't leave him hanging. His phone went to voicemail, and I dialed again. But he didn't answer.

  He was upset the last time I saw him. He didn't deserve to be. Nobody should feel that sort of guilt.

  I flicked the butt into the grass and then drove to Woodbury Elementary when he didn't answer for the third time. The school had new restrictions for security, but I hoped that they would let me in. Or at least they could ring Luke to the front so I could talk to him.

  I parked in the parents' lot and left all of my things in the car. I hoped that this would be a fast trip. The security guard let me through after I flashed him my license and escorted me down the narrow hall to the main office.

  "I need to speak to Luke Wilson."

  "And you are?" the receptionist asked. She didn't look up from the desk as I spoke, and I found it to be very rude. I glared as she still looked down at her desk.

  "I'm Maggie Larken. It will only be a second. I know he doesn't have class during this time. Please." I put my elbows on the top of her desk and peered over the high divide, seeing her filing her long, red nails.

  "One second." She finally looked up, glaring through her squinted eyes, and tapped on the phone while resting it between her shoulder and ear. She spun in her chair, faced the window, and muttered something into the receiver. Finally, she hung up and picked up the file and continued on.

  "Is he coming?" I asked after a second of silence.

  "He'll be right down."

  The office was quiet, but it was early in the afternoon. Most kids should've been in class. The rug was stained, and I found it to be annoying, probably because I was already in a weird mood.

  I had no idea what I was going to say to Luke, only that he had no reason to stop coming to class. He had just as much of a right to be there as I did. I figured I'd say sorry or something, just to butter him up. But first, I'd give him hell for leaving me.

  "What is your problem?" I said when I saw him emerge from the long hallway. When he saw me, his posture immediately stiffened, like he hadn't been expecting me, which was true.

  "What are you doing here?" he asked. I looked behind me at the secretary who was looking through me at Luke, questioning. It was almost like her finger was on her telephone buttons, ready to dial 9-1-1.

  "Do you have an office or something we can talk to in private?"

  "Sure," he said, and then nodded at the secretary.

  "Miss Larken, you'll need a name-tag," the secretary called as Luke held open the door for me. I rolled my eyes and spun around with a smile as fake as I could muster on my face. I took the red name-tag, planted it on my right boob, and then spun right back around.

  We were silent as Luke led me down the narrow, short halls of the elementary school. I hated my time in Woodbury public schools. They let me fly under the radar academically, but now that I was older, I resented that. I wished they had made me get my shit together sooner.

  We turned a corner, and the smell of rubber and grease assaulted my nose. I knew we were close to the gym. My converse squeaked on the tiled ground. It was so shiny that the fluorescent lights on the ceiling reflected and I swore that if I had looked down I could've seen my face.

  "Here's my office," Luke said as he pushed open a thick wood door. He waved his arm and let me walk in first. I felt like I was getting a little dose of who Luke really was. The office was small, a perfect square with few things inhabiting it.

  His desk took up most of the room, with two lightly cushioned chairs on either side. There was a floor to ceiling bookcase to the left of the desk with another chair catty-cornered in the corner.

  Unfortunately, there weren't many mementos on his desk. There were two pictures in dark wood frames, only about five by seven inches large. There was a picture of a young Luke with a girl who had similar eyes. The other picture was of him on graduation day with a group of people smiling around him.

  "Sit, Maggie," Luke said. He pulled my attention up from the desk, and I saw that he had already walked around me. I smiled, my cheeks heating as I sat down across the table from him. For some reason, we felt too far apart, and I didn't like it. I wanted to cross the desk and sit on his lap while I spoke to him. But I didn't. Obviously.

  "Did you need Asher?" he asked as he rummaged through a pile of papers.

  "Why weren't you in class today or Tuesday?"

  "I'm working," he said as he leaned back in his chair. It squeaked
under his weight.

  "I know you don't teach during this time."

  "Listen: If this is all you wanted me for then you should just go. Can't someone take a personal day?"

  "Sure. If that's all it is. I know you're avoiding me, and you have no reason to. I told you you didn't hurt me. I simply wanted you to apologize. Which you never did, by the way." I couldn't help but be sucked into his eyes. They were so deep and soulful, I wanted to reach in and find out what was wrong.

  "I'm sorry."

  "See? That wasn't so bad."

  "It's not a joke, Sunny. I could have seriously hurt you."

  "But you didn't." I reached across the table towards him. His hands were clasped together, but I wanted to touch him. I needed him to know that he didn't hurt me, and I didn't believe for a second that he would.

  "Listen, I didn't think I'd have to use this, but you can't bail on me for this project." He looked at me with a confused grin. "I'm scared of talking in front of people. I get all nervous and feel like I'm going to pass out or puke, and honestly, I don't know which would be worse. Since I've already done the work, you have to be the presenter."

  "So you don't actually want me back," he said, narrowing his eyes on me. "You're just using me for my impeccable public speaking skills."

  "Exactly."

  "Fine," he relented.

  "Fine. No more skipping?" I asked as I held out my hand to him.

  "No more avoiding."

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Maggie

  The rink was particularly cold today. I brought my notebook with me, thinking that I could get some more notecards done for the project that Luke and I had to present in two weeks.

  I was scribbling down facts about the toddler brain and how it differs from a six-month-old's when Janet huffed down and sat beside me. There were purple bags under her eyes.

  "You okay?" I asked her as I closed my notebook and looked up.

  "I'm just so sick of driving here." I nodded, because I could relate to that. "I mean, why isn't there a rink closer that has a fall league? It makes no sense. We live in the northeast. We shouldn't have to drive more than thirty minutes to get to a quality rink."