Body Wisdom & Uncompromising Portraits

by Lizbeth Dusseau

“He was a big help,” I added. I was stumbling over words, trying to recoup by shoveling some very tender veal in my mouth, so that Todd wouldn’t ask any more questions. He was noticeably quiet for some time, no more inquiries, no third degree, but something changed about him that didn’t change back all evening long.

  When the two of us were in the car, I thought he was taking me home, instead we ended up at his house. “To check on Larry,” he said.

  “Mrs. Quick is supposed to check on him,” I reminded Todd about his next door neighbor.

  That didn’t matter, he was going to look in on him anyway.

  However, getting to his house, there was no checking on the dog, beyond a cursory look see at the sleeping animal in the kitchen.

  There was only one point to this detour. Todd’s hands were all over me, down my dress, over my breasts, lifting up my the bottom of my skirt, and between my legs, where he had fingers at my cunt, and poking inside. I could hardly keep up with him.

  “Oh, Todd, please.”

  He thought I was asking for more, and I think I was. But I was bewildered; whatever fire was burning in him, I didn’t recognize it as his own, even if it was beginning to have an effect on my body. He stripped me of every bit of clothes before we got in the bedroom; and once we were there, I was bent over, with my ass end handing out getting smacked with a very enthusiastic hand. I replied with as much eagerness. Maybe we were releasing something, both of us. Maybe it was part of my penance. I’m not sure what; but dear sweet noble long suffering Todd was screwing me with his anger at the surface, and his hands playing with me as if I was malleable and submissive toy.

  I cried loudly when he cried, his orgasm seeming to burst from him with an unexpected suddenness. Mine was much longer in coming; and Todd having calmed considerably, became the considerate man I knew well, taking his time to pleasure me slowly.

  Unfortunately, it was too slow. It seemed all wrong when my own heat wanted to match his swift fire. Orgasm is always welcome, though I relished this one less than others, thinking that I couldn’t wait for it to end. And this time, just as I suspected, the thereafters were strange, the generous cuddling I’d become used to was missing.

  I don’t know if Todd knew that Kurt had made love to me in his bedroom, but it seemed so.

  I can remember picking up the place when the two of us were finished. I remember making sure there was no trace of either us when we left, no strands of hair, no rumpled sheets, nothing out of place . . .

  . . . Unless it was Kurt’s scent that lingered, the essence of leather and incense, and whatever strange cologne that he occasionally wears. He was wearing it that day. I can’t imagine Todd would really recognize it as Kurt’s, even if it might have remained in the bedspread.

  Todd didn’t say anything for the longest time, but for reasons beyond my comprehension, I concluded that he knew. Just knew, just had enough intuition to suspect that I had been grossly unfaithful to him, using his own bed to perpetuate the act.

  I spent a few days doing penance of sorts, a silent penance strangely, trying to be the perfect girlfriend to my perfect boyfriend.

  ***

  I was shopping for groceries in the market, picking out vegetables and fruit in the produce section. Seeing what was there, I thought the strawberries should be looking a whole lot better than they did for this time of year. Maybe I’d try to find my own wild blackberries some weekend very soon. The prices on those were sky high.

  “How’s Larry?” I heard Kurt’s voice, and before I turned around to acknowledge him, I smiled to myself, thinking how much I enjoyed its calm resonant sound.

  “He’s fine,” I said.

  “You know meat’s not good for you,” Kurt said, noticing the steak next to the sprouts and lettuce in my shopping cart.

  “You know cigarettes are not good for you,” I shot back, seeing the pack of Camel’s in his.

  “It’s not a carton, you weaned me that much,” he said.

  “Did I really?”

  “How’s Todd?” Kurt asked.

  I didn’t expect the question, he didn’t anticipate my answer.

  “He knows,” I replied.

  “Knows what?”

  “About you and me and his bed,” I said.

  “How does he know that, you tell him?” he asked.

  “No, he just knows,” I replied.

  He considered the information for a minute. “Would that be so bad?” he asked.

  “I think so Kurt, I’m trying to save people from getting hurt, though I’m obviously not doing a very good job of it.”

  “You trying to save the relationship too?” he asked.

  “He’s been awfully good to me, Kurt,” I was about to say.

  But I didn’t get the chance to continue the conversation, because another shopper invaded our space, and did one obnoxious number that neither Kurt or I could evade. And before I realized that I had much more to say, he was gone. I was watching him walk out of the market with a bag of groceries in his hand, his ponytail catching the breeze, as he made his way toward his bike.

  Chapter Ten

  I cooked Todd dinner a few nights later, thinking maybe we were going to get back to the relationship we had before. Having not seen him in several days, I assumed that everything was okay. It was over my best lasagna that I found out otherwise.

  “You don’t love me, Jess,” Todd announced, just after I’d managed to spoon a stringy mass of mozzarella, sauce and noodles in my mouth.

  I looked up at him, seeing his calm expression, a little comical, a little sad, and a little child-like at the same time.

  “I don’t?”

  He shook his head. He looked relieved having said that.

  “Why do you think that?” I asked.

  “Because you’re in love with him.”

  “With Kurt?” He didn’t have to answer. “You knew about the other day . . . .”

  “In my bed? Yes.”

  This time I shook my head, I still didn’t know how he’d figured it out.

  “I don’t know what he’s got, Jess, but I’ll never have it. The way he treated you a while back, you should have brushed him of months ago. But you haven’t. I’m a little foolish when it comes to love, but I’m not wrong about this.”

  I’d had all the lasagna I could stomach, and found myself sitting at my dining room table, with my hands demurely in my lap, looking rather sheepishly at Todd. If the man who was supposed to be in love me wasn’t fooled, then my feelings must have been all too evident. Why wasn’t I acknowledging them?

  “Maybe I care about him, maybe I even love him,” I said. “But that doesn’t mean I can have relationship with him.”

  “I’m not so sure about that,” he said. “If you ask me, Jess, and I’m not saying I know the man well, but he obviously loves you. And I do know he’s been here the last few months because of you and nothing else. I think it’s time you faced that fact.”

  The conversation didn’t go on much after that. I had nothing to say, and once Todd had said his peace, neither did he. I didn’t ask him to stay and I was perfectly willing to let him walk out the door giving me a last gentle kiss on my cheek.

  ***

  I didn’t want to wait until morning to go to the beach house; but the fog was so thick, I was afraid to take the narrow road I didn’t know that well. I probably should have gone anyway, for the tortuous night I spent. If he’d only had a phone I could have called.

  I was heartened that there was a bright sun shining at seven in the morning. He’d be doing Tai Chi at that hour, and I looked forward to seeing him like that, his hands moving ever so slowly in unison with his feet, the gentle swaying of his body tuned to the rhythms that he felt beneath the surface of the ground, somewhere deep. I wouldn’t wait this time.

  Getting in my car, I felt a lot like a little kid, with my heart skipping rapidly. I had to cast my eyes on him, even if his might be angry. I had to see his smile, even if there might be nothing but a scowl. I had t
o hear him speak, even if I didn’t want to hear his words. Would he even want me now after all the times I’d brushed him off?

  I had to wonder that perhaps I’d been the one that perpetuated the real transgression here, or that at least I had participated as actively as he had in what separated us. Even Todd, my lover friend, suggested that I couldn’t really see Kurt for who he was, and worse, couldn’t see my own real feelings for my leather-clad “bad boy”.

  Getting closer to the cottage, I hoped I’d be rational when I saw him, though I had no idea what to say. I wondered if I would be greeted with his well-remembered smile and those eyes.

  Just after the last small hill in the road, just before Kurt’s beach hideaway, all my musings were stopped short by the unexpected sight before me. Startled totally witless, I gazed panic-struck seeing a bold red real estate sign being pounded into the ground in front of the house, FOR SALE.

  Climbing out of the car, I approached the rotund real estate agent with the bald head and horned rimmed glasses. I’d have recognized Ed Hicox in a second even without his bold red sign with the bright yellow letters. I don’t know who would be seeing the sign way out here on this lonely road; but that was hardly my concern at the moment.

  “Where’s Kurt?” I asked.

  “Handed me the keys this morning, Jess, and took off. Who knows where he goes?”

  “He’s selling?”

  “Now what would I be doing putting up a sign if he weren’t?” he said, looking at me over the edge of the glasses that had fallen to the tip of his nose.

  “The property in town?”

  “Just sold that, finally gave into Jack. I told him he was settling for too little, but the boy’s intent on bailing out.”

  I let the news sink in, but it wasn’t setting very well with me. I was suddenly tired and very scared. “You think I could go inside and have a look around?” I asked.

  “You looking to move out here?” he inquired.

  “Maybe,” I said. “Kurt offered me the place a few weeks back.”

  “Did he now? Cost you more, if I sell it to you, he’s got to pay me my commission.”

  “I just want a look around, Ed.”

  “Be my guest, not much there to see, but it’s a good looking piece of property . . . . “

  Ed went on talking about the assets of the place; but I wasn’t listening, moving briskly into the house, and closing the front door behind me.

  It was cool inside, and just like Kurt there were the scents, the clean fresh feel, the Spartan lack of adornment, even the single white candle sitting on the window sill, waiting to be lit again.

  His bed was neatly made with a plain buff colored comforter tucked into the sides, military style. I remember the patchwork quilt on the bed we’d shared and missed it; this one didn’t really seem like Kurt’s bed. Going to the window, I watched the ocean moving in and out, crashing in five foot waves, the surf surprisingly high for this time of year. There had been storms north, which always created high tides and stronger surf. The lifeguards were warning people to stay out of the water.

  With nothing else to see, I turned to leave, though gazing toward the kitchen, I saw papers laying there. The little sneak in me glanced furtively toward the front door, and then tiptoed to the counter, where to my expectation were the listing papers, signed by Kurt with his bold black signature.

  I looked at the top of the legal form, searching for an address.

  C/O Land’s End Tavern, Yreka

  I didn’t even need to jot it down, it was so simple. As was my instantaneous decision. If nothing else Kurt would credit me for behaving impulsively.

  ***

  I’d been in at least two taverns with Kurt that looked exactly like this one, rustic roughhewn, salt of the earth kinds of places, where I could still imagine loggers getting into fist fights and bodies flying out the door in heated anger. There were beer signs, neon and those older ones with paint peeling from them, hanging on the facade. One old decrepit chair was right outside the door, along with a barrel that was now used for trash. There was a grimy filling station in front. The place across the street was a fresh new mini-mart, but this was where the cars and bikes were parked. This was where they’d be drinking beer inside.

  I felt a little strange going inside by myself. I hated entering cozy places, a stranger. I hated being stared at, and would hate it even more, if I was the only woman in the place. Made me wish I was dressed in jeans and some faded T-shirt, not my ankle length skirt and the denim shirt I’d tied at my waist. For an instant I thought about changing, but shook that thought off as completely obsessive. It was much more important to see if Kurt was inside. Looking at the vehicles parked in front of the tavern however, I decided that his bike wasn’t there.

  Opening the heavy oak door, I peered inside and then walked in. It was impossible to see going from the bright sunshine to the dim bar light. I remained at the front door for a while, until my eyes adjusted.

  Peering deep into the room, past the bar, past the tables, past the jukebox, I saw what I was looking for, and breathed a deep sigh of relief. Kurt’s long dark pony tail hung over the back of a chair, as I watched him from behind talking to another man. The other man took note of me as I walked forward, but Kurt did not, only when I pressed my hands on his shoulders and gave him a gentle squeeze, did he jump and turn to me startled.

  “Jess!”

  A rare look of shock appeared in his eyes. For several minutes, he seemed completely unable to compute the fact that I was there in the tavern with him.

  “What the hell are you doing here?”

  I smiled. “I saw that the beach house is on the market, I wanted to see about buying it.”

  “You could have talked to Ed?” he said, still too bewildered to welcome me.

  “I did, but he didn’t have all the answers.”

  He stared at me and finally rose from the chair. “Back to you in a minute,” he said absently to the man at the table, as he took me by the elbow, and led me to an empty table on the other side of the room.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked, getting his wits about him, allowing the calm to return to his manner, and casting me that gaze that warmed and excited me in the very same instant. I could quickly imagine us in bed again. I could feel his cock entering me, could feel the thrusts from a body memory so strong, I found my pussy pulsing and so ready that I had to stop myself from initiating something sexual before other matters had been straightened out.

  “Before I buy the house,” I said, “I need to know if you’d be living there with me?”

  Another quizzical look appeared on his face. He cocked his head and that was really cute. “If that’s the case, then the house is not for sale.”

  “You mean you wouldn’t live there with me, or you won’t sell?”

  “If you’re going live there with me, I don’t have to sell it.”

  “Then I’d be living in your house.”

  “I think that’s the only way it’s going to work,” Kurt said. He was very amused and finally getting his control back, and it was just as at should be. Somehow with Kurt, it was better he was in control.

  He ordered us two Buds, mine Bud Lite, a concession he made sure I noted.

  “So where’s Todd?” he asked,

  I looked at him, drinking in the Kurt Cezant I loved, drinking in that slow-moving tender grace that wrapped me round with something rich and wise, I’d missed.

  “He doesn’t want me anymore,” I told him. “Says I’m in love with another man. Says my eyes spark when I talk about him. He even says he can feel my body on the loose.”

  Kurt didn’t say a word, just stared at me the same consistent way, as if he was enjoying the sound of my voice and would listen to it forever.

  “I do have one problem though,” I continued. “If we decide to move in together . . .”

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t want you running off,” I said. “I couldn’t take that again, no matter what th
e reason.”

  He chuckled. “How can I run off if it’s my own house?” he said.

  “You have a point there,” I replied with a grin.

  Kurt smirked, a real old fashioned devilish smirk, like an “I told you so” was about to enter the conversation.

  “You finally believe me now?” he asked.

  “Believe that you’re sincere about this relationship, that you came back for me, and stayed for me, and left because I was being so stubborn.” I was really on a roll, but I stopped there because he was laughing at me, the twinkle in his eyes was incredibly sweet. I even thought there were tears just waiting to break free. “Yeah,” I said. “I guess, I believe you.”

  I finished my beer and he ordered another, and we were pretty content to be quiet, without much talk, just practicing a little oriental mutual meditation on the light in each other’s eyes. This mystical rite seemed some sign of remembrance and a passage to another time . . . a new time for a new relationship that wouldn’t be anything like the old one. Even if it was founded in the past, I could see that Kurt and I had something neither of us wanted to give up. It would never be as easy again to say goodbye, even for a volatile hellion and a vacillating librarian.

  “I love you, Kurt,” I told him.

  “I know, as much as I love you,” he replied.

  Epilogue

  Just the other side of the house toward the shore, the beach runs into some sandy hills where the earth has been temporarily formed by the water, into small coves that are great for hiding. I was sunbathing without a stitch of clothing covering me when I opened my eyes to see Kurt looking down at me.

  “You want to come in the house and let me use you?” he asked.

  We’d been back from Yreka for a week, but hadn’t yet gotten enough of each other. Between fighting over the things that I insisted on bringing into the beach house, (he said I had way too much stuff, and we really ought to burn half of it, to which I reminded him that the fire was what caused us problems in the first place), we were making love on his bed and then on mine, which went in the upstairs room. It was the guest room, or where I hid when I was pouting.