by Lillard, Amy
He backtracked to her side. He wanted to take her hands into his, move in close, let her know how much she meant to him. He couldn’t lose her and Emma both. He had come all this way. “Caroline, I love you.”
She bit her lip and turned her face away as tears started to fall down her cheeks. “Don’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s the truth.”
“Truth or not, it doesn’t matter.”
This time he did take a step closer and grasped her hands into his own. Despite the warm sun of the Tennessee summer, her fingers were cold as ice. “Caroline, look at me.” He gently squeezed her fingers when she kept her gaze averted. Finally, she turned those hazel eyes, still swimming in tears, to his. “Tell me you don’t love me.”
Her teeth sank a little deeper into her bottom lip, and the strings on her prayer kapp swung wildly as she shook her head.
“Tell me you don’t love me, and I’ll get in that car and drive away. You’ll never see me again.”
“Nay.”
“Then why are you going to marry him?”
“Andrew, please understand me. He’s Emma’s father. Don’t you think he deserves a chance to be in her life?”
When she put it like that . . . He exhaled and all of his arguments blew away like the seeds of a dandelion. “What about you?” he finally asked. “What about me? Your mamm and dat?” When she didn’t answer, he continued. “You’ll be placed under the bann. By giving Emma an Englischer vatter, you’re cutting her off from the rest of her family.”
But she only shook her head. “He’s her vatter,” she said again.
“Does he love you?”
“I think so, jah.”
But that wasn’t what Andrew wanted to hear. “He can’t love you like I do.”
“Andrew, don’t. I have already made my promise.”
There was this part of him that couldn’t walk away, couldn’t let it be. It wasn’t part of the Amish nature to fight, but he couldn’t just stand by and let love slip through his fingers a second time.
“What would you have me do, Caroline? Come back tomorrow or the next day? How long before you believe my love is real?”
“I don’t doubt your feelings, Andrew.”
“But you’re still going to marry him?”
“Jah,” she said quietly.
“Then I guess there’s nothing else to say.” He turned and started back toward the corn, pushing aside the chin-high stalks and trying to be gentle when all he wanted to do was shove them out of his way.
“Andrew.”
He could hear her rustling behind him, but he didn’t stop. If he did, he didn’t know what he’d do.
She caught up with him at the edge of the field nearest the house. “Andrew.”
He stopped and turned, unable to stop himself from facing her, looking into her beautiful eyes one last time.
“This is not how I thought this would turn out,” she said, tears sliding down her cheeks.
Andrew swallowed hard. “Me either.”
“I never meant to hurt you. Do you believe me?”
“Jah”, he said. Then he took her hand because he couldn’t help himself and pulled her close. She came toward him willingly. He wanted just one last look at her. One last touch. He cupped her face in his hands, ran his thumbs along her cheekbones, memorizing each curve and freckle.
Then he pulled her to him and kissed her.
Trey pulled into the driveway at the Hostetler farm without immediately noticing the two people at the edge of the cornfield. At first he didn’t recognize the couple, but after a few moments, when the kiss ended, he realized it was Caroline and the Amish man from Oklahoma.
He tried to bring up jealousy, but the embrace looked so much like good-bye that he couldn’t muster up even a twinge.
Trey waited in the car until the man got in the blue rental and eased down the street. Then he got out and approached Caroline.
“Trey,” she said, wiping tears from her cheeks. “What are you doing here today?”
“I thought we could make some plans for the wedding.”
She sniffed and managed a watery smile. “Jah. Come inside. Mamm just made pie.”
He allowed her to direct him toward the house.
There was something wrong with the whole situation, but he just couldn’t put his finger on what it was.
“Why aren’t you wearing the clothes that I bought for you?”
She looked down at herself with a shake of her head. “I’m still Plain, you know.”
“I do, but I thought you would want to get used to wearing them.”
“There’s plenty of time for that.”
She led the way into the house and seated him at the table before pouring them both a cup of coffee and slicing the pie.
“Where’s your mother?”
“Probably down in the barn with Dat. She loves to take Emma down there.”
He wanted to see his daughter, but he couldn’t bring himself to demand that she go and get the child. Soon Caroline’s parents would have to give up the child for good if what they were telling him was correct and by marrying him Caroline would be placed under a bann.
The thought came with a searing pain in his stomach.
Maybe there was a way around it. Maybe since Emma wasn’t part of the church, she would be able to visit with her grandparents.
He didn’t know all the ins and outs of the religion, so he asked.
Caroline thought about it for a minute. “Technically, I suppose, the bishop would not be able to find a reason for my elders not to see Emma, but . . .”
“But what?”
“He could still make their lives hard if he is against it.”
“Why would he be against it?”
She shrugged. “It’s hard to explain, but the church does not take well to members leaving. It shows bad for the ones who stay if others come and go as they please.”
Trey shifted his weight, shoved his hands in his pockets, and tried to understand. “If you leave the church, they will bann you.”
“It’s like being excommunicated.”
“And your parents will not be able to see Emma because of what you’ve done?”
She swallowed hard. “Jah, that’s right.”
Trey stared at her for a moment, then finally asked, “Why are you doing it then?”
Her mouth pulled into a shape that wasn’t quite a smile or a grimace, but somewhere in between. “Because it is the right thing to do. She is your daughter, and you deserve to share in her life.”
He took her hand into his and squeezed her fingers gently. “Thank you,” was all he could say.
Caroline’s words haunted Trey all through the evening and on the drive home. They echoed through his dark, empty apartment and seemed to mock him as he wandered from room to room. Even as they planned their vows for the following week. Just a quick trip to the courthouse. Hasty vows and the rest of their lives stretching out in front of them.
She would marry him and give up everything so he could raise Emma.
He flipped on the lamp beside his big leather couch and sat down. His gaze flickered around the room. He couldn’t imagine Caroline here in this apartment, dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, hair cut like the girl down the hall. He couldn’t see Emma playing on the big gray rug, toys scattered across the floor.
He picked up his phone and dialed.
“Mom,” he greeted her, thankful that she had answered and not his father. He needed her gentle ways tonight.
“Hello, dear.”
“We’re all set for next week.”
Even as he said the words, doubts and disbelief filled him.
“Do you want me to come home?” Me, not us. Trey wondered if his father would ever accept Caroline into the family. Would Duke Rycroft eventually come to adore Emma the way Hollis Hostetler did?
Trey pushed away the thought that his father had given Caroline money to “take care of” the pregnancy. That was old news and could be forgotten
, but could there be a healing?
“No,” he finally said. “Don’t come. It’ll be small and—” “Average” almost slipped out of his mouth. But was any marriage average? “I’d rather you visit when you can spend time with Emma and get to know her.”
His mother sighed. He knew she thought she was too young to be a grandmother, but once she saw Emma, any reservations she had would disappear. How could anyone not love Emma?
“I’ve got to go now, Mom.” He didn’t really, but what should have been an encouraging phone call had turned downright morose. “I’ll call you after the ceremony.”
“You can call if you need me.”
He needed her tonight. “Okay.”
“I love you, Trey.”
“Love you too.” He hung up the phone and leaned his head back against the couch. He closed his eyes, but the image of the kiss he’d witnessed was there to greet him. Caroline had gently rebuffed his touch since they had met back up with each other, and yet it seemed to him that her kiss to another was filled with longing and love.
He hadn’t bothered to ask her what she had been doing for the last two years. If she had met someone or fallen in love. He’d been so busy with school that he hadn’t had time for romance. But Caroline wasn’t in school. She had been working, living, raising their daughter as a widow.
Did she love this Amish man who had come hundreds of miles to see her? Did she want to marry him? Why else would a man travel that far other than love?
Were Trey and his proposal standing in the way of Caroline and her happiness?
So many questions and not enough answers.
Dear Lizzie,
I have a heavy heart as I write you today. It seems I am too late in making Caroline my wife. She has promised herself to another, an Englishman. I am afraid that after tomorrow I will never see her again.
My heart should be breaking in two, but I feel numb. I never thought I would say this, but losing Caroline has been harder than losing Beth. Maybe because I knew Beth would never truly be mine. She lived at the grace of the Lord every day. Each day we had was a gift from above and we treated it as such. Now I wish I had done the same with Caroline. Did I squander my opportunities in confidence? Did I push her away as I came to Oklahoma buried in my own grief? I thought she would understand me since she had lost so much. Little did I know I would find my true love. Little did I know that she was not destined to be mine.
Tomorrow I am going back out to her elders’ farm one last time. I asked if I could visit with Emma. I have come to care so much for the wee maedel, as if she were my own flesh and blood. I had imagined that Caroline and I would raise her together, become a family, have more children, and grow old together. Now I know that just wasn’t what God had planned for me. Perhaps I will be like Onkle and make myself a bachelor for the rest of my days.
I’m sorry this letter is so melancholy. I am afraid I will be this way for many more days to come. Please add me to your prayers that I may see the sun again.
Love always,
Andrew
Chapter Twenty-Five
Caroline took a deep breath and stepped out onto the porch as Trey got out of his car and came toward the house.
“Hi,” he said, giving her a tiny wave and an even smaller smile.
“Guder mariye”, she replied. “Good morning.” Why did she feel so awkward around him these days? There was a time when she had caught sight of him and launched herself into his arms like a regular Englisch girlfriend. But it seemed these days the sight of him only represented the sadness that was to come.
She said a small prayer. She shouldn’t be so negative. It wasn’t fair to Trey. She had made the choice to be with him all those months ago. She had known what he was when she lay with him. Sin wasn’t without price.
She had loved Trey once upon a time, but that was before she met Andrew. Trey represented the taboo, and she wondered if she truly loved him or the freedom he’d offered.
“Can we go for a walk?”
She agreed, though his request surprised her. Trey was more apt to ask to go for a drive instead of a walk. Perhaps this was a gut sign that their marriage would be a compromise of worlds. She could only hope.
Together they headed off around the house and toward the pasture.
Trey reached for her hand, and Caroline had to resist the urge to pull back from him. They were about to be married. And for sure, holding hands was an accepted form of publicly shown affection.
“You don’t want to hold my hand?”
She looked at him then. His gray eyes were studying her as if he could peel back the layers to the truth beneath her skin. “Amish don’t usually hold hands.”
He gave a nod of understanding, though his jaw muscles seemed bunched and strained. “A few more days and you won’t be Amish.”
“Jah,” she said, her voice tinged with more sadness than she had intended. “I know.” She tried to relax her fingers in his grip, but it seemed as if every nerve in her body was on alert.
“Where are we going?” he asked.
She indicated the crop of trees about a hundred yards away. “There’s a pond just on the other side of the trees. My dat used to bring me down here to fish.”
He didn’t say anything, just kept walking until they cleared the trees and came upon the idyllic pond.
She was going to miss this place. “Just to the other side there is the bishop’s haus.”
An old plastic chair sat off to one side, dirty and neglected, just another reminder that her life had changed and was about to again. But the old fallen tree trunk looked sturdy enough to hold them both.
Trey sat down, and Caroline sat next to him, trying to seem at ease when she was anything but.
“Do you love him?”
“What?” It was perhaps the last thing she had expected Trey to ask her. They were to be married in a matter of days.
“Do you love Andrew?”
Her heart gave a painful lurch at the sound of his name. “Does it matter?” She stared at her hands in her lap. She had twisted her fingers into the folds of her apron. Why would he ask her this now?
“I think it does.”
She turned to him, her eyes surprisingly dry. There had been so many lies told over the years she could not bring herself to say another. “I’m sorry, Trey. I don’t want to hurt you, but jah, I do love Andrew Fitch.”
Trey sighed and bowed his head. Then he turned her hand loose to rub his eyes as if his head was beginning to hurt. “Knowing the truth now hurts a lot less than marrying you and not knowing the truth until after.”
It was Caroline’s turn to sigh. She had messed up this time, messed up bad. “I care for you, you know.”
“Yeah.”
“I loved you once.”
“Yeah.”
“Love isn’t the only reason two people get married.” Even by Englisch standards this was the truth. “Just because . . .” She swallowed hard and started again. “Just because we don’t love each other doesn’t mean that we can’t have a wunderbaar life together.”
“What would happen if you were to marry Andrew?”
“Marry . . . Andrew?”
“I saw him kiss you yesterday. He’s crazy about you. And he’s Amish. What would happen if the two of you were to get married?”
Caroline bit her lip, her thoughts going in circles. “I suppose we would go back to Oklahoma.”
“And Emma? Would she be able to see your parents?”
“Once the meidung has been lifted. The shunning.”
“They’ll still shun you?”
“Jah. I sinned against the church. The bishop here is obligated to tell the bishop in Wells Landing that I have not asked for forgiveness. I would have to serve my shunning there.”
“And after that?”
Caroline shrugged. “I suppose we would just live.”
He grew quiet, the only sounds around them were the ones of the farm. The lowing of the milk cows, the tweeting from the birds.
Every so often she could hear the purr of a faraway engine.
Then Trey’s mouth pulled into a thin line. “If Andrew wants to marry you, he can.”
“What?” she asked, sure the wind was playing tricks on her hearing. “What did you say?”
“If Andrew wants to marry you, adopt Emma, make a family, then I won’t stand in your way.”
As she studied his face, twin tears fell from his eyes and slid down his cheeks to drip off the edge of his jaw.
She had never seen a man cry before. Never seen Trey display so much raw emotion. She brushed away a new tear before it could fall.
Trey clasped her hand into his own and pressed a chaste kiss to her palm.
“I’m not sure if what we had together was really love or merely the allure of the forbidden. But Emma . . . I would do anything in my power to give her the best life possible. I can see now, that life isn’t with me.”
Caroline’s heart pounded loudly, painfully, in her chest. Her mouth was too dry to speak, not that she would have been able to get words past the lump in her throat.
“If I . . . step aside, then Emma can have everything. A mother and a father who love her, grandparents who adore her. A good life. That’s all I could ever want for her.”
Andrew’s hands shook as he put the car into park and got out. One more day and he could pack up his cursed driver’s license. He hated driving. Or maybe he just hated the nerve-wracking situation he found himself in.
He wasn’t sure what to expect, whether Caroline would be there or not. But seeing as how he parked behind the shiny black car he knew belonged to Trey, she most probably was. Not that it mattered. This visit was for him to see Emma one last time. He retrieved the doll from the backseat of the car and shut the door.
Normally an Amish girl got her first doll on her first birthday and her second, bigger doll when she turned three. Emma still had well over a year before she turned three, but Andrew wanted to give her something to remember him by. Even if the faceless doll would get lost among the Englisch treasures that Trey’s family could bestow upon her.