by Unknown
“I haven’t given you your real present.” She held her breath, excited but afraid.
“You haven’t? But I don’t have anything else to give you,” he said with a frown.
She fingered the diamond ear studs he’d given her. She’d never owned such expensive jewelry. “You gave me more than enough. My earrings are beautiful.”
“So what’s my other present?”
She hesitated and then whispered, “Your child.”
Unsure what his reaction would be, she waited as he grew absolutely still, not moving. Wasn’t he happy?
He removed his arm from her shoulders and slewed around to almost face her. “You’re sure?”
She nodded.
“When?”
“I think around the first of August. I’ll go see Doc next week.”
“He knows?”
“I haven’t told him. He asked about my health today, so I think he suspects.”
“Are you feeling all right?”
He looked worried, a frown on his brow. Susannah couldn’t resist smoothing it away with her fingers. “I’m fine. I get a little sick in the mornings, but that’s all.”
“You should stop work at once,” he ordered.
“No.”
“Susannah, be sensible. I don’t want you to take any risks. This baby—”
Her heart sank. She’d hoped for an avowal of love. Instead she’d received what she should’ve expected. Concern for his child.
Unable to bear the disappointment, she rose to her feet. “I’m going to bed now. Thank you for my earrings.”
“Susannah—” he called but she ignored him. The tears sliding down her cheeks wouldn’t allow her to stay near him. She would hide in her room to lick her wounds. Alone.
No, not alone. She and her child would be together.
Lucas sat on the couch alone. He’d upset her, but he wasn’t sure how. He’d suspected for several weeks that she was pregnant, but it had suited him not to know.
Now, he no longer had a choice. He couldn’t pretend a need to plant his seed in her. To hold her in his arms, to revel in the sensations she aroused in him every time he touched her.
But in exchange, he had knowledge of his son. His child. His reason for the future. He lost himself in dreams of the child with whom he would build the future. But the picture wasn’t as bright as he’d once thought it would be.
Because of Susannah. He didn’t know what to do about Susannah. Tonight, he’d climb those stairs, as he had every night since his wedding. But would Susannah be receptive to his touch? Would she willingly come to his room, melt into his arms?
He paced the floor, debating what he should do until the hour had advanced more than he’d realized. Finally creeping up the stairs, he opened her door without knocking. She lay in her bed, the covers pulled snugly around her, her back to the door.
With a grieving that shocked him, he quietly closed the door and turned to his own room, alone. She had no interest in him anymore. He’d given her what she wanted, a child.
He slid into his bed, prepared to dream of his child. Instead, he found himself mourning his loss of Susannah.
Chapter Eleven
S usannah awoke the next morning at her normal time. But that was the only thing normal. She hadn’t visited Lucas’s bed last night. He had let her go to her room, and he hadn’t disturbed her.
Because he had what he wanted.
Oh, how she’d hoped he would still want her. She should’ve known. After all, she was inexperienced. While he’d never complained about her lovemaking, she’d feared he might not enjoy it as much as she.
Tears seeped from her eyes, as they’d done last night. She hadn’t realized how much she’d counted on their marriage being real. But she had. Because she’d fallen in love with that ornery man.
The father of her child.
She dressed and went downstairs. She couldn’t hide in her room all day because her dreams hadn’t come true. Even after the baby was born, she still had to face Lucas each day, pretending not to love him. Pretending not to want him. She might as well learn to hide her feelings today.
Besides, the library was closed both today and tomorrow. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do with herself, but she’d find something.
Frankie was in the kitchen and greeted her with a cup of coffee and toast.
“Where’s Lucas?”
“He went to the barn half an hour ago. Didn’t seem in a very good mood. Hope he’s not catching the flu that’s going around,” Frankie said, frowning.
Susannah’s heart leaped in spite of her warnings to herself. Maybe he was missing the lovemaking. Maybe he’d bring her back to his bed. Maybe…she’d better think of something besides the bedroom.
When the door opened as she was finishing her coffee, however, she couldn’t help searching his face eagerly for some telltale sign that he’d missed her last night.
He ignored her completely, concentrating on the coffeepot rather than her. “It’s cold out there.”
“Yeah,” Frankie agreed. He, too, studied Lucas. “You coming down with something, boss?”
Lucas turned to stare at his cook. “Coming down with what?”
“The flu. Heard it was goin’ around.”
Lucas shot her a look but she couldn’t read his expression. “No, of course not. I’m fine. Slept great last night.”
Susannah felt her stomach clench at his words. Drawing a deep breath, she fought to keep her breakfast down. Misery and coffee weren’t a good mix for a pregnant woman.
“How about you, Susannah? How did you sleep?” Lucas suddenly asked, staring at her.
Unexpected anger invaded her misery. Was he taunting her? Did he think she would beg for his touch? Did he think he could reject her and she’d still want him? With a control that surprised even her, she smiled at him and said, “Like a baby.”
The temperature seemed to drop in the kitchen. Frankie looked up suddenly, his gaze going from one to the other of the pair at the table. “Uh, I gotta put in a load of laundry. Back in a minute.”
If she’d hoped for tenderness in their first moment alone, she had to be satisfied with a gruff question. “Are you feeling all right?”
“Fine,” she returned.
“No throwing up?”
After successfully battling nausea, she was surprised by her sudden response to his question. She leaped from the chair and just made it to the kitchen sink in time to rid herself of breakfast.
When she felt his hands on her, trying to ease her distress, Susannah couldn’t help the shiver that coursed through her. She’d longed for his touch. Straightening, after washing her face, she tried to smile, but she wasn’t very successful.
Especially when Lucas immediately dropped his hands and stepped away.
“Have you talked to Doc about throwing up?”
She took a deep breath. “I will when I go to his office next week, but I understand it’s perfectly normal.”
“I think you should call him now. The baby is—”
“I know, Lucas. The baby is all-important.” Wearily she sank down onto the seat at the table. She already loved this baby with all her heart, but it hurt to be reminded over and over again that, for Lucas, she was nothing more than a means to an end.
After a hesitation, he didn’t respond to her words. Instead he asked, “Do you want anything more to eat?”
Nausea roiled in her stomach again. “No!” Out of desperation, she rose and turned toward the door. “I’m going back to bed.”
Lucas watched the door swing behind her, depression filling him. He hadn’t helped her at all. If anything, he’d made her feel worse. What was he going to do?
He thought of his hopes this morning. Somehow, after tossing and turning all night, he’d wondered if Susannah might have missed their lovemaking. If she’d given him any indication that she’d welcome a return to his bed, he’d have carried her upstairs and made glorious love to her. Instead, she’d thrown up.
Did that mean he shouldn’t touch her again?
Could he live in the same house with her and not have any contact? He groaned. He’d lived three years without making love to a woman. In mourning for Beth, he couldn’t imagine touching another woman.
Then along came Susannah. So different from Beth. But stirring him to even greater heights. He craved her warm body next to his in bed, her arms wrapped around him, her mouth meeting his.
Maybe after the first few months of pregnancy. He’d heard sex was possible almost up until the birth of the baby. He’d talk to Doc. He wouldn’t take any chances on the safety of his baby, but he wanted Susannah in his bed.
He strode to the phone and dialed Doc’s home number. When Doc’s gruff voice answered, he got right down to business. “Doc, should Susannah be throwing up?”
“Is she?”
“Yeah. She lost her breakfast this morning.”
“That’s fairly normal. Be sure—”
“But Beth didn’t.”
“Susannah isn’t Beth, Lucas,” Doc said gently.
“I know that!” he snapped, then apologized.
“I’ll give her a thorough checkup next week, boy, but the main thing you need to remember is give her what she wants, be supportive. It’s important for the mama-to-be to be happy.”
Lucas bowed his head, resting his forehead against the wall. He didn’t need to ask his other question. Doc had just answered it for him.
“Thanks, Doc.”
“You bet. And congratulations, boy. You did it!”
But it wasn’t joy that filled Lucas. When Beth had been pregnant, she’d lost what little interest she’d had in sex. And since Susannah had already indicated she preferred to be left alone, Lucas would have to comply with her wishes.
Lucas insisted on accompanying Susannah to her first appointment with Doc. Susannah appreciated his concern for his child. She just wished his feelings would extend to her, too.
Since he never touched her now, however, she had to believe it was the baby that caused the continuous frown on his forehead. Her fingers itched to smooth his skin, but she didn’t dare touch him. She might break down and plead for him to hold her again.
“Maybe Doc can give you something for your nausea,” Lucas suggested.
“I’m doing better since I followed Abby’s advice about the crackers by my bed.”
“Yeah.”
“And I’m sure he’ll prescribe vitamins, so the baby will be healthy.”
“Doc said to give you whatever you want, to keep you happy, so if there’s anything I can do, let me know,” he said, keeping his gaze on the road.
Susannah closed her eyes, afraid he’d read the hunger in her gaze. What she wanted was for him to love her. To want her more than life itself. The way she wanted him. But she knew better.
“Okay?” he prodded, still not looking at her.
“Of course. But there’s nothing. I’m fine.”
He parked the car next to Doc’s office and came around to help her out of the pickup, as if she were a precious treasure.
But it wasn’t her. It was the baby. At least her child would benefit from his love.
After Doc’s examination, with Lucas waiting in his office, the three of them sat down to talk.
“You’re perfectly healthy, Susannah, and the baby seems fine. I’m giving you a prescription for vitamins, and I want you to get plenty of rest. These first three months are exhausting.”
“Should she quit work?”
Susannah stared at Lucas. She thought they’d settled that question.
“That’s up to Susannah, Luke. If she gets too tired, she might. More than likely, though, it would be better if she cut her hours a little. Could you get someone to take over about two or three o’clock, Susannah? That way you could nap before dinner.”
She was tempted to assure Doc as well as Lucas that she could work twelve hours a day if she chose. But she buried her obstinacy and said calmly, “Possibly…if I need to. Right now I’m not too tired.”
And she’d go crazy sitting in the house longing for Lucas’s love.
“Susannah!” Lucas protested.
When he would’ve said something else, she noticed Doc’s frown and shake of his head. Aha, an ally!
They were almost ready to leave, having stood up, when Doc added one more thing. “Oh, and, of course, there’s no reason to stop relations. You won’t hurt the baby.” He smiled as if what he’d just said would make them supremely happy.
With her cheeks flushed, Susannah hurried from the office. Did Doc think their marriage was real? He should know better since he orchestrated it.
Lucas thanked Doc for his words of wisdom and followed his wife from the office. Doc had no idea he’d upset the mother-to-be, but Lucas knew. Susannah couldn’t wait to get away from him.
Even helping her from the truck had made her uneasy. He had to remember she’d been a virgin on their wedding night. She wasn’t used to a man’s needs. And since she was pregnant, her needs took precedence over his hungering for her.
He’d just have to wait until after the baby was born.
Surprisingly, since he’d longed for that moment, the birth of his child, he skipped right over that significant event. All he wanted to know was how long he’d have to wait before he could persuade a nonpregnant Susannah back to his bed.
The first Saturday in March, Susannah slept a little later than usual. After all, she wasn’t working today. And Lucas would be out on the ranch working.
She’d taken Doc’s advice and cut back on her hours at the library. Each afternoon, she returned to the ranch and crawled into bed for an afternoon nap. Even if she awoke before dinner, she remained in her room until Frankie summoned her for supper.
It was easier that way, because it seemed to her that Lucas was returning to the house earlier and earlier each afternoon. She’d hear his booted step on the stairs, pausing by her door, as if he considered knocking.
She’d hold her breath, wishing he would, knowing he wouldn’t. Then he’d continue on into his room. They’d meet at the dinner table and he’d meticulously ask about her health and that of the baby.
Then they ate in silence. Miserable silence.
Occasionally, when she could bear the silence no longer, she’d come up with some anecdote about her day at the library, but more often than not, she remained silent, too.
Since Christmas Day, when she told him about the baby, it was as if someone had dropped a plastic shield between them. No talking, no touching, no lovemaking.
And she hadn’t slept as well. Perhaps it was the naps, but she didn’t think so. She’d lain awake in her bed each night, hoping and praying Lucas would seek her out once more.
With a sigh, she dressed and wandered downstairs. Frankie had left the coffeepot ready, but he’d gone to tend to other chores. She’d finally convinced him she could make her own piece of toast.
Downing her glass of milk first before she poured the one cup of coffee Doc allowed her, Susannah rinsed the glass in the sink. Then she got her coffee.
Before she could reach the table, however, she felt something strange. With a gasp, she put her free hand to her stomach.
“What’s wrong?” Lucas demanded urgently, from the door.
For the first time since she told him she was pregnant, Susannah smiled naturally at him, excitement erasing all the awkwardness. She couldn’t wait to share this moment with him.
“The baby moved. Come quick.”
He reached her side and she pressed his big hand to her stomach.
A look of wonderment filled his face as the slight fluttering made itself felt. She looked at him, love and excitement filling her eyes.
Without a word, he scooped her into his arms and headed for the stairs.
He carried her straight to his bed, his lips covering hers before their bodies reached the mattress. The strength of his need was overwhelming. He’d missed her.
When, after an incredible coming
together, he began to recover his breath, he wondered why they’d waited so long to be in each other’s arms. He could feel the contentment emanating from Susannah as she snuggled against him. There was no murmur of objection as he held her, warm against his heart.
They should have been making love every night, he decided fiercely. What they shared was a gift that not every couple had. Making love. No, he meant having sex—Suddenly he couldn’t breathe.
No, he meant making love.
He had done the impossible, the one thing he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do. He’d fallen in love with Susannah. No! his heart protested. No, no, no!
Without thinking, he pushed himself away from her, staring at her with horror on his face. He couldn’t have made himself vulnerable to such pain again.
Susannah couldn’t believe what had just happened. After two months of loneliness, Lucas had renewed her hope, filled her with love, brought her joy about the child together with her love for him.
Smiling, she opened her eyes even as he moved away from her. Before she could stir, she saw the expression on his face. What was wrong?
All her insecurities came rushing back. From the look on his face, he was rejecting her all over again. Not just ignoring her, or avoiding her touch, as he’d done the past two months, but denying any feelings. Regretting what he’d just done.
Regretting the love that filled her.
Sure she had betrayed her feelings, she slid from the bed, grabbing her clothes to press to her body along the way. He hadn’t loved her before. He certainly couldn’t now that her body had changed, grown larger. She wanted to hide from his gaze.
And she wanted to hide her heart from his rejection.
She ran to her room, slamming the door behind her.
He rapped on the wood almost immediately. “Susannah? Susannah, I’m sorry. I can’t—”
No, he couldn’t. He couldn’t love her as she wanted to be loved. He could only love his child.
With her dreams shattered, her silly, ridiculous dreams of love, she crawled under the covers and wept into her pillow.
He called her name one more time. When she didn’t answer, she heard his boots as he walked away.