Indulgence

by Liz Crowe

  “Shall we, Stud?”

  I nodded, still unable to say anything.

  When we hit Ma’s, the party was in full swing. My cousin’s band was playing top forty country hits off to the side of the yard; a wooden dance floor finished the section. Old Man Henry was at a huge six foot by four foot grill that boasted everything from chicken, to dogs, burgers, and corn right on the flame. My mouth watered at the sight, not having eaten since breakfast. The entire yard had about twenty tables, checkerboard print spread throughout where people were mingling and carrying on.

  My mother and father both greeted Aspen and me. Pops was even so kind as to shake Oliver’s hand and clasp Dean on the back with a manly whack. Dean grinned and gave as good as he got, pounding on my Pops’ back and asking what the score was of the latest baseball game.

  Oliver was practically bouncing in front of us, taking in the entire yard. He had on a fitted plaid shirt tucked into a pair of fancy pants jeans. Poor fella didn’t know that cowboys pretty much only wore Levis and Wranglers. Those Calvin Klein numbers he went on and on about were doing nothin’ but making him stick out like a sore thumb. Didn’t matter. As long as he stuck with me, I’d stare down anyone who tried to throw a harsh word at my little buddy.

  “Holy shit, Pen. That’s a real motherfuckin’ cow!” Oliver squealed with delight and ran over to the guard fence.

  Even though Mom and Pops were retired, they still had a heap of cattle on their land. It helped Heath and Jess with overflow when the herds were mating and pushing out calves left and right.

  “You’ve made him so happy.” Aspen hugged my side and watched Oliver. Dean just shook his head a huge smile on his face as he watched the man he loved try to pet cattle.

  Heath and Jess made their way over with a couple of drinks and handed them to us. A beer for me, spritzer for Aspen.

  “What’s got your attention?” Heath asked and I pointed over to Oliver, whose electric blue cowboy boots were dangling out in the air as he tried to balance on a rung and touch the cattle. “Shit for brains! What the hell’s he doin’?” We all laughed, but Heath went over to save him. I could see my brother pulling at some hay being used as seats and whistling over the nearest cattle. Oliver was enjoying every second of it.

  “Guess he’s never seen a cow, eh?” I looked over at Aspen who was watching the scene play out and smiling wide.

  “Nope. We’re city folk, Stud. Cows are not a regular occurrence on the streets of Manhattan.”

  “Well I’d never believe it with my own eyes if I wasn’t seein’ it myself! Hank, Hank Jensen is that you?” I knew that voice. I’d heard that voice more times than I could ever forget. I turned around and spotted her. She certainly had aged over the past decade but the purdy girl that stole my heart back in the day was still there and standing right in front of me. Shit!

  Before I could stop her she barreled over and had her arms around me squishing her large breasts against my chest. There was a time that it would have had an effect on me. Now was not that time. “Oh my God, Hank. You look … wow. You look real good,” she said and then hugged me even tighter.

  A throat clearing from behind me had me yanking back. “Um, uh, Susie this is ah …”

  “Aspen Reynolds. You are?”

  “Susie Shoemaker.” The only two women I had ever loved shook hands. My own hands quaked as I downed my beer in one huge gulp. This was going to take some maneuvering. “And how do you know each other?” she asked.

  I pulled my arm around Aspen. “We’re together,” I said proudly. The smile she had on her small lips faded. She pulled a hand up and twiddled with her blond curls. That was a signal she was uncomfortable. Some things didn’t change.

  “I see. That’s great. You’ve got yourself quite a catch here,” Susie said to Aspen.

  “That I know,” Aspen responded with a hint of sarcasm. She snuggled into my side. “Hank, looks like you need that beer refreshed. Shall we?”

  I nodded dumbly. “Catch ya later, Susie,” I said stupidly as Aspen practically dragged me away from the surprised eyes of my ex.

  “So, you dated her then?” she asked as we walked away.

  “I did.” I wasn’t planning to offer much else in way of conversation.

  “How long ago?” She was trying to sound sly, but I could tell she wasn’t happy. She had this little tic where she’d rub the ring she had on her right finger over and over when she wasn’t happy or was thinking intently. I saw her do it all the time. At this moment I wondered who gave her the damned ring. I wanted her doing that with a ring I gave her. Fuck! Those thoughts could not be pressed right now. I was in a shit storm and I needed to think fast.

  “About a decade,” I confirmed. She visibly relaxed. Her shoulders sagged and her breath left her lungs in an audible whoosh. “How long were you together?”

  “Long time, Angel. ‘Bout seven years, but that was in the past. She’s been married since then,” I added hoping that would help her mood.

  Her gaze searched mine, but I looked away. I couldn’t handle an inquisition right now. Just seeing Susie brought up some serious shit I had locked away. The last time I saw her she was in a heap of tears, crying, begging me not to leave her. But I couldn’t stay, not after what she did.

  “Hank.” Her hand came up to cup my cheek, a soft thumb skimmed across my cheekbone and I leaned in to her touch.

  “Leave it, Darlin’. Let’s just enjoy the party, okay?” I grabbed her hand and physically hauled her toward Oliver and the cattle. He’d take her mind, and hopefully mine, off meeting my ex. We reached Oliver, who was happily feeding the few goats that had pushed their way through to get to the food he was dishing out. Aspen started to help and I turned around to take in the group, but my eyes scanned the yard and settled on Susie. Our eyes met from across the span of yard and I knew that we had unfinished business. I wasn’t going to sleep right until I’d closed that door forever.

  “Darlin’, I’m going to check on Old Man Henry.” I kissed her cheek and she tilted toward me.

  This was the kind of woman I wanted. One who crooned for my touch, the one I couldn’t do without. I turned her head and clamped my lips over hers. She let out a surprised little yelp, but jumped right in tangling her tongue with mine. The spritzer made her tongue cool and fruity. I ate her up, dipping my tongue in repeatedly for more tastes of heaven. She pulled away, wrenching her lips from mine. Breaking the contact was almost painful.

  “Jesus, Hank. Keep it PG. There are kids here for crying out loud.” She pecked my lips and then pushed me away. “I’ve got some goats to feed. This is so cool!” Oh, no. It looked like she was caught by the Oliver bug. The two of them together were a sight. Dean came over and put his arms around Oliver. He leaned back into the large man.

  “Having fun, are we?” He kissed the side of Oliver’s temple and tugged on Aspen’s hair. He’d watch my Angel. Even though he constantly joked that Aspen took him away from Oliver, I knew he loved her. I could tell when a man loved my woman, and he did. The same way I loved my brother’s wife Jess. I’d protect her from harm, make sure that everyone around knew that she wasn’t to be crossed. Basically, we were men who would protect our families. I knew that Aspen was as much Dean’s family as I was Jess’s. He was good people and I trusted him.

  “Dean, these are real goats!” Oliver said in wonder. I had to get the little fella to the ranch more often. I made a pact with myself that when I moved to New York, we’d visit half a dozen times a year and we’d bring the little fella with us. He needed some roughin’ up.

  I turned and headed back toward the main area. I could see Susie waiting for me, standing stalk still in the same spot I’d left her a good fifteen minutes ago. She’d seen me kissing Aspen and I told her we were together. Still, I felt the need to open that wound up so I could stitch it up fresh and clean, let it heal without the ugly scar I’d been carrying around for a decade. No more avoiding or pussyfooting around. Now was as good a time as any.

  �
�Susie. Can I have a word alone with you?”

  “God, Hank, I hoped you would.”

  Fuck. Her breathy tone was not helping. She was going to get this mixed up into something it wasn’t.

  “Let’s go to the old wagon.” I said not having to explain where I meant. She knew. I’d kissed her more times behind that wagon than I could count. I’d even fucked her there one cold, dark night that changed everything.

  Chapter Sixteen

  After about an hour of feeding every farm animal known to man, I decided it was time to get a drink and locate Hank. He’d been gone a long time. I’d expected him back within ten or fifteen minutes. I scanned every table and all the partygoers standing around mingling. No Hank. The little hairs on the back of my neck stood up, but determined to not be a sissy, I squelched the panic stirring within my untrusting brain. I looked around the space trying to find another face … she wasn’t there either.

  Damn it to hell!

  I had a feeling that woman would be trouble. The way she looked at Hank when he introduced us was not just admiration for his physique and handsome face. That, I was used to. No, the look on her face matched my own. A woman in love. She wanted Hank for a lot more than his physical attributes.

  After searching the entire area I still couldn’t find him. Finally coming upon his brother Heath, I tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around with concerned eyes. “What’s up, Pen?”

  “Have you seen, Hank? I can’t find him anywhere. Is there somewhere on the property he might go to be alone? Away from the party?”

  His mouth pulled together and he tapped his lip with one long index finger. “Well, back when we were kids he used to hang out by the old wagon, watch the stars.” He shrugged and cocked his head to the side. He pointed off to the right edge of the house. It was dark, but I could barely see a couple of figures, way out in the distance, about half a city block away.

  “Thanks, Heath.”

  “No problem. You havin’ fun, Darlin’?” Heath said “Darlin’” just like my Hank. I snorted in an unladylike manner. The man was so sweet, and a good mixture of their mother and father with his sandy blond hair and dark eyes. Hank tended to take after his father. They both had broader chests than the younger Jensen. Hank had the same chiseled muscles, and though Henry’s were a great deal softer in his old age, he took care of himself. You could tell he was a ladykiller in his younger years. Now he just looked like a handsome, distinguished cowboy who, in his words, loved his wife somethin’ fierce.

  “The best. Thanks. I’m going to head on over to the wagon now, in case anyone is looking for me.”

  He nodded and I walked off in the distance of the dark wooden structure. The closer I got, the more the feeling of dread seeped its way into my psyche. He’s not with her. He wouldn’t. It was possible he was looking at the stars. Maybe reminiscing about old times. That’s all.

  Mumbled words and phrases could be heard from the other side of the giant wooden structure. I saw two sets of feet, one definitely female, through the spindles of the large wagon wheels. Hank’s cowboy boots were undeniable.

  The hushed tones seemed to subside and sway with the wind over to my side of the wagon.

  “Hank, you have to believe me. I never would have done that if I thought—”

  “But you did!” I heard Hank’s angered reply. “You can’t take it back, Susie.”

  “We were so young, and in love, we had so much ahead of us. I thought … I thought that you’d leave me if I didn’t,” her voice trailed off into a sob.

  “I left you because of what you did!” his voice was scathing and no longer whispered. I could hear his heavy footfalls pacing in the tall grass about ten feet away from my hiding spot.

  “We were good together, Hank. Don’t you remember? You and me against the world. We still can be.” Susie’s small voice got stronger. “You heard about me and JJ, we’re over. We’re divorced. He was just another big, fat mistake!”

  “Jesus Christ, Susie. You want me back?” Hank’s shocked tone broke. Those words dug a knife deep into my heart. I held my breath, waiting, dreading, but needing to hear her reply.

  “Oh, God, Hank. Yes! I’ve always loved you. JJ was a mistake! I should have tried harder to come after you, made you see that it was you and me. Always you and me since we were kids!” she cried. “But you left me, Hank. You left me that day and it was the worst day of my life!”

  “Fuck, Susie. This couldn’t possibly have come at a worse time.” He cleared his throat and I could tell he was emotional. The woman still had a place in his heart. “I’m with—”

  “You’re with her. That city girl. Hank, you can’t seriously think she’s right for you. Look at her. Oh, she’s beautiful, I’ll give her that. But does she know how to wrangle a horse, feed the cattle, cook a man like you a feast each night after a hard day’s work? Take care of the children you want so badly?”

  Hank wants children? We’d never discussed it and he’d never brought it up. A niggling thought pierced my subconscious.

  It’s because he doesn’t want them with you!

  That had to be why he never broached the subject of children. He was closing in on his mid-thirties. It’s probable that a man his age would want to settle down, have a family.

  “Don’t talk about Aspen. You don’t know her!” he said in my defense. A glimmer of hope was thrown out and I hung onto that raft for dear life.

  “No, I don’t know her. But Hank, they are a dime a dozen, those city folk. And I was told by your Ma that she’s got tons of money. What could you—a builder, a cattleman—bring to the table that she doesn’t already have or can’t get for herself?” Her words confirmed everything I had ever feared. In the back of my mind, I’d always worried that my money and our lifestyle differences would break us. She was waving it in front of his face like a pork chop to a hungry wolf.

  “I need a man who can take care of me. One who I can take care of in return, just like we used to. Hank, I’d do anything for you. You know that. What happened back then is history. It was a terrible, terrible mistake. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish it were different! I miss you and love you so much!” she practically screamed the last part.

  Under the wagon I could see Hank go to her. She finally broke him. He was holding her in the perfect home, his embrace. I could hear him shushing her and telling her it was going to be okay. The distinct sound of lips on lips was unmistakable.

  He was kissing her.

  That’s when the world stopped; it no longer turned on its axis. It was over. The bubble had finally burst. Deep down, I knew it would. We were too different … worlds apart. I was too enamored with Hank and the goodness he represented to really understand it could never work. And now he’d proved it. He cheated, just like Grant.

  Without making my presence known I darted from the wagon and set out at a full run toward the house. My body was covered with sweat, tears pouring down my face, when I reached my destination. I couldn’t breathe. Stars were shooting off in my peripheral vision; I tried in vain to blink them back. I ran to the side door of the house, dodging people left and right. I made it through the double doors and ran right into Ollie and Dean.

  One look at my face and Dean’s eyes burned into white hot pokers. Ollie scooped me into a full body embrace. “Oh, no. Shit, Dean, we gotta go,” Oliver gestured to Dean. I did my best to choke back the heaving sobs that were desperately wracking my body, escaping through my mouth in agonized groans.

  Oliver and Dean dragged me out to the front of the house and into Hank’s truck. Dean jumped into the driver’s seat as Ollie laid me in the back. Hank must have left the keys in the ignition, because we were off with a squeal of the tires and rocks flying in our wake.

  “Fuck, no fucking cell service,” Ollie screamed, but the voices were starting to get jumbled. “Princess, what happened?” Ollie asked in the most caring voice. I knew that voice. He used that tone after every breakup, fight with Rio, or a knock-down drag
-out with my mother. Basically, any time he saw me in pain.

  “He kissed her. He loves her,” I choked out, and covered my face. Misery—deep utter regret and misery—took hold. He didn’t see me as enough. I had to get out of his home, out of Texas. I needed to be home. On my turf.

  “Hank kissed another woman?” Ollie asked and I nodded. The ability to speak was gone, my throat dry, hot and scratchy as if I swallowed razorblades. “He loves someone else? But he said you, he loved you! He told us all that!” Ollie started to cry and Dean shushed him the same way Hank comforted Susie. Bile rose in my throat and the sour taste filled my mouth with saliva.

  Oliver petted my arm; fat tears ran down his face as he cried with me. He always did. If I was in pain, so was he. It’s the way it worked with us. He was the only man I could ever truly love that wouldn’t hurt me. God I was stupid.

  “H-He’s going b-a-a-acck to his ex!” I managed with the last bit of effort I could muster. The agony was just too much. Shards of pain dug deep into my gut and it took everything I had not to heave and wretch what little I had to eat today on the floorboard. It wasn’t like this with Grant. The bastard cheated on me twice and I took him back, never so broken so distraught. In fact, I’d never actually felt this type of suffering in all my twenty eight years. It was overwhelming, all encompassing, it took over my entire being.

  The men pulled up to Hank’s house, but Ollie suggested I stay in the car. I did what they said, not really caring what happened next.

  Visions of Hank smiling, calling me Angel, making love to me, tortured my thoughts. His laugh, the way his body seemed to glow after he took a shower burned into memory. His silly nicknames for everyone in my life, including me. How he fought with Gustav, and the taste of his skin first thing in the morning … pure bliss. The welcome home kiss at the end of each day that stopped my heart from beating. The way he cupped my cheeks and groaned into my mouth as if there was no place he’d rather be when he’d first press his solid length into me. All gone. Fuck. It was too much.