Indulgence

by Liz Crowe

  Her eyes widen and she blushes. “No. I won’t do that. He’s the drummer for Shaft. There’s no way in hell he wants to settle down right now. When I leave, he will be right back to fuckin’ groupie pussy with Hunter. I’m fine with that, I guess. It’s the lifestyle you sign on to when you take on guys like them. I’ll take whatever he’ll give me while it lasts. It’s all about having fun, you know? So, right now, it works for me. I’m not about rockin’ the boat.”

  As I turn my attention back to the stage, I nod. We watch Shaft rock the shit out of the rest of their performance. Hunter, Gray and Aiden come together as one, completely blowing everyone away. People are screaming for Shaft. The guys are absorbing every ounce, giving it all back as they play. Landon and Tad have made no move to join us in the wing. As usual, Henry stands a few feet away against the wall, observing everything. His black shades covering his face so that he is expressionless. His gaze drifting between the stage, the crowd, and Cam and me, taking it all in like a robot.

  Just like before, after Aiden flings his sticks to the crowd he walks off stage with Hunter. This time, though, they walk toward us. Cam leaps off of her stool, right into Aiden’s arms. “Whoa, babe. Let’s at least make it to the bus,” he purrs, as she sucks a patch of skin on his neck. “Fuck Cam!” he moans. “Staging room it is. Henry, we’re out man. Meet ya on the bus in an hour or so, this is gonna take a while,” he growls, as Cam wraps her legs around his waist. Turning, he walks down the ramp toward the hall with Cam wrapped around him like a pretzel.

  Hunter hops up on the stool Cam left. I turn my head back to the stage as Gray pulls a stool for himself over to the mic. “So Kansas City, I like to think that I can carry a tune so don’t boo me off alright?” he says with a chuckle.

  As his fingers strum his guitar, those shimmering steel eyes meet mine. Gray’s eyes are burning making me squirm as he watches me. He starts singing, mesmerizing the audience from the start. It’s a song about being with someone that you know is with someone else. A one night stand that gripped you by the balls so hard you can’t let go of how it made you feel. Gray sings about knowing it was wrong, but it’s not over. Wanting to know how he compares to him.

  I sit completely frozen. Gray watches me as each word pours from his lips. Sex and sin. It’s what he is. It’s what he brings in everything he does. Is Landon listening? I wonder if he’s put two and two together… The guilt creeps in. I realize that I am no better than Landon even if he went there first. I am not innocent in this, not anymore. I want Gray. I can’t deny it. It doesn’t feel wrong. When we are together it feels amazing and, right now nothing about Landon feels right. I remember Cam mentioning before the show that it says something if my heart is broken. Well it isn’t. Does that mean that Landon isn’t it for me? If I can be angry but not heartbroken…am I not as in love with Landon as I thought?

  Hunter leans over pulling me from the thoughts inside my head as he whispers, “Thing For You by Hinder. Great shit. He has the ladies creamin’. I’m gonna see if he wants to hit the bar after. Time to cash in on all that pussy.”

  Once Gray finishes, he thanks the crowd before introducing No Approval. Grabbing his stool, he exits the stage heading straight for me. “Let’s hit the bar, Gray. Not much time before we’re stuck on the bus with unavailable pussy again,” Hunter says clapping him on the back.

  Gray shakes his head. “I’m not in tonight, man. Gonna go work on some music. Maybe grab some food.”

  “Fuckin’ hell! You guys all suck!” he shouts. Walking over, he pats Henry’s shoulder. “Yo, Big Man, you wanna be my wing man?”

  Henry just laughs, “I’ll go with ya, fucker, but only so someone don’t beat your ass bloody.”

  Gray wraps an arm around me as Hunter and Henry walk with us down the ramp. Walking down the hallway, we pass the staging room door. Hunter laughs as we hear the muffled moans and groans coming through the door. Running up he jiggles the knob. “Housekeeping... You want me fluff your pillow?” Hunter shouts through the door in a horrible female voice.

  “Um, nah. We’re good in here. Thank you,” Aiden pants and I hear Cam groan.

  Hunter bites his fist so that Aiden doesn’t hear him laughing. Henry pounds on the door, joining in on the shenanigans. “Housekeeping… You want me suck your dick like yesterday?”

  “What the fu-“Aiden flings the door open. His face is blood red, his pants nearly down his legs. “You assholes can fuck right off,” he yells then slams the door. I can hear Cam roaring in a fit of giggles. “Cam, I’ll spank that ass if you laugh at them again. Shit isn’t funny. On your knees now. That’s it, gimmie that mouth babe,” Aiden’s muffled voice carries through the door. My eyes jerk to Gray who shakes his head as we head out the door toward the bus.

  “Lucky Bastard,” Hunter groans, leaning against the side of the bus. “Big man, let’s go find us some bitches.”

  “That’s why no one wants to fuck you twice, Cunter. You don’t call ladies bitches,” Henry says, winking at me.

  “Don’t need a bitch to fuck me twice,” he huffs. “The last thing I want is a boomerang pussy. All the time comin’ back for more of this.” Thrusting his hips, Hunter rubs his cock through his jeans. “Gimmie a hot little slut that I can get what I want, then toss her like a fuckin’ Frisbee. Fuckin’ beautiful.”

  “You throw away condoms, you bastard, not women,” I snap.

  “To each their own, Daisy. You get tired of Cole cock you come ride the Hunter train. I’ll show you whatcha been missin’,” he says, walking toward the SUV with Henry.

  Gray takes my hand leading me to the steps. “I’ll take a shower. Meet me in the bedroom when you’re done with Landon. Then we can talk.” He kisses my cheek when I nod then opens the door. Landon sits alone on the couch with his head in his hands waiting for me.

  Chapter Ten

  Lust, Lies and Denial

  “Daisy?” Landon says as Gray walks past him headed toward the bathroom.

  Standing slowly, as if gauging my reaction, Landon starts toward me. “Don’t Landon,” I whisper making him stop cold.

  Stepping into the kitchen, I open the fridge and pull out a beer. His eyes watch my every movement as I twist the cap, tossing it to the bar. I take a long pull from the bottle, he doesn’t speak a word. I walk over to the chair, so that he won’t be able to sit next to me. I even go so far as to cross my legs away from him so that he knows without a doubt that I am closed off to him.

  “Daisy, you have to let me explain,” Landon pleads kneeling in front of me.

  A laugh erupts from my chest surprising us both. “Landon, I’m right here. It’s not going to be a pleasant conversation so get to it. I plan to drink until I pass out,” I snap venomously.

  “I wish you wouldn’t drink,” he mutters.

  I throw the bottle across the room, spilling the liquid all over the kitchen floor. Shoving him back, I stand to pace the living area only to stop at the fridge for vodka this time. “You wish, huh? Well…” I laugh again as I pour a glass. “I sure wish that my fiancé loved me enough not to get groped by his boss! I wish the plan for my life was not totally fucked up!” I shout, then down the entire contents of my glass. Turning to Landon, I pour another. I lift my glass to him as a tear slips down my face. “What I wish the most, Landon, is that I never trusted you because I’ve never been so angry in my life and that’s your fault; but, I have to accept my blame in it too. There really is nothing you can say to me that will make this right.” I down the glass then toss it into the sink.

  Landon hasn’t moved from his knees on the floor. He looks up at me in complete disbelief at my outburst. I can’t help but laugh at him. “I have things I need to say, Daisy.”

  Knowing that I need to let him say whatever it is that he needs to say, I perch up on the counter. “Go on then, Landon. I don’t have all night. I should’ve gone to the bar with Hunter,” I mumble the last part under my breath, making him jump to his feet.

  “You would punish me
like that, Daisy?” he asks as if I just said that the sky was pink.

  “Why would you care if I did, Landon? You don’t want me. You push me away then you run to Tad. He gives you what you need, so go on,” I shout flinging my arm toward the door.

  “Daisy, you don’t understand. I never wanted to break your heart,” he says, dragging his hand through his shaggy hair. “I…”

  “You what?” I scream loudly. “I’m tired of the secrets, the games. I’m sick to fuckin’ death of you not talking to me, Landon. This is not what I signed on for,” I say pulling my ring off. I let the light catch it as I hold it between my fingers for a second then toss it at his feet. “For some reason, Landon, I didn’t feel heartbroken when I saw Tad with his hand down your pants,” I start and he winces. “I felt betrayed, lied to, angry as hell because I figured out some of what you couldn’t tell me, but my heart never cracked. That says something, doesn’t it?”

  Bending down, Landon picks it up from the floor. He stares at the ring between his fingers obviously understanding the finality of what I’ve just done. When his eyes finally meet mine they are full of tears. For a minute I feel bad because this is Landon, and he is hurt. It must be the alcohol making me brave because I hop to my feet, push past him going down the aisle then slam the door behind me. “Daisy! Daisy, please don’t do this,” Landon sobs as he bangs on the door. “Just let me in, please. We can fix this. I love you, please.” Tears stream down my face because I love him too. I really do. Don’t I? I mean, he is everything that I wanted for my list to be executed perfectly. I just don’t know that we can fix this. I don’t know if I want to anymore either. I feel the struggle inside myself pulling me in all directions but I know it is so far beyond repair that it’s useless to pretend. I love Landon but does it compare to anything like I am starting to feel for Gray? I do know that I don’t feel enough for Landon to put forth the effort to make this work after all this. Not now, maybe not ever. Too much has happened…so much has changed.

  Turning I open the door, meeting Landon’s tear stained face. I lose it. I walk into his arms and cry. “Baby, I promise it will be okay. We will fix this. It’s all going to be just fine,” he coos as he nuzzles my hair.

  I sob into his shirt. I am crying for all the things that I wanted. Those things on my damn list. All the things that don’t seem reachable anymore because of what Landon has done, what I have done. Pulling away, I look at his face. He is smiling. He looks relieved, like a huge weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. “Landon, listen to me. I’m not taking you back tonight. You aren’t welcome in our bed right now. I don’t know if you ever will be again. You need to be honest with me, but, most importantly, with yourself about what you need then we can talk. There is a lot we both need to work through, Landon. Us may not be what either of us wants, let alone needs. Until then, there’s nothing more to say,” I say, knocking the wind out of him.

  He nods sadly and leaves. Then I watch from the window as he walks from the bus. Landon goes back into the building, I assume to find Tad. Less than a week ago I felt so close to Landon that I thought nothing could hurt us. I thought we were impenetrable. Now, it feels like there is a canyon growing between us getting bigger by the minute with no way to stop it.

  The door closes behind me then I feel Gray’s warm arms surrounding me. I turn in his embrace, meeting his eyes. “You did good, baby,” he whispers.

  “Of all the things that he said or tried to say, he never once said he was sorry Gray. That was why I couldn’t even talk to him. He isn’t sorry for what he did; though, he may be sorry he got caught. Maybe he’s sorry because he didn’t want to hurt me but he isn’t sorry for what he feels for Tad. Why should he be? If he loves Tad then great, love doesn’t need excuses. That’s why I said he needs to figure his shit out. I won’t share. I don’t want to spend my life being afraid that I’ll walk in on my husband being unfaithful to me. I can’t.”

  Sliding his arms around my waist, he kisses me. Gray’s tongue dives into my mouth, taking no prisoners. He pulls me tightly against him as his lips move against mine, pushing back the pain in my chest. My hands dive into his hair desperate to keep his mouth on mine. I need to feel something other than the sting of not being enough for Landon or the anger of being lied to over and over. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way but he couldn’t even say the words. I should’ve told him about Gray. I should have said that I am guilty too. I should have, but I didn’t.

  Landon made his bed. I know that I shouldn’t care about how he feels anymore, but I do. It would upset him to know that I went right into the arms of his brother. It would hurt even worse for him to know that his actions are what put me here. The fact that I want Landon to pay for what he did is one thing, but like this? I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. Yet, here I am with my hands holding Gray’s mouth to mine. So what does that say about me?

  Pulling back, Gray smiles at me. “Alright. Now we gotta talk,” he says, taking a few steps back from me. I instantly miss his warmth when sits on the bed, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I want nothing more than to touch you, Daisy,” he reassures me, obviously reading my mind.

  “We gotta talk,” I repeat his words, making him chuckle.

  “Last night we didn’t use a condom.”

  The world blurs around me as I think back to last night. I sink to the floor as the thoughts of having unprotected sex with a rock star creep into my head. Did I seriously let him fuck me bareback? How many sluts has he…

  “Daisy?” he interrupts my thoughts as he slides to his knees on the floor in front of me.

  “I’m on the pill, Grayson, you don’t have to worry about me trying to trap you,” I blurt.

  The growl that roars out of his chest makes me jump in shock. “That is not what I was fuckin’ getting at!” he booms, jumping up to pace around me. “I have never fucked anyone without rubber between us. I also don’t fuck around like Hunter does. I just wanted to make sure we discussed it.” Throwing his hands up in the air, he glares at me. “Communication obviously is not my brother’s strong suit. Neither is honesty, for that matter. I guess we’re truly polar opposites because those are deal breakers for me, Daisy.”

  Stopping in front of me, he pulls his shirt over his head. “This,” He points to the shield tattoo on his chest, “is because I don’t let anyone into my heart. I fight hard as fuck to keep everyone out, Daisy. I don’t want anyone to answer to. I want to live my life, do whatever the fuck I want without someone getting hurt because of me. With you, though, it’s different. I want to protect you. I want to shield you from all of this shit with my brother. I want to make it all go away. I want to see you smile, hear your laugh. I haven’t even known you a week but I want you. I want you so bad it’s all I fuckin’ think about.”

  Standing to my feet, I slide my hand up his arm. Letting my fingers spread along the barbed wire as I move higher. I drift along his shoulder, touching every inch of his ink as I come to the shield. Gray closes his eyes. His breathing accelerates as I trace the shield with my fingers. I place my palm against it, feeling his heart beat wildly against my hand. Leaning in, as I move my hand, I kiss along his ink. I let my tongue run along the shield, making the breath rush from his chest. My name on his lips is the sexiest sound I have ever heard, as my fingers run along his arms, taking in every inch of him.

  “I’m done talking tonight, Gray. Take me,” I whisper, touching my lips to his.

  His eyes drop to my mouth. Just as I expect him to kiss me, his hand slides into my hair, pulling my head back as he goes. Gray runs his tongue up the length of my throat making me shiver. “I love your mouth but I want mine on every inch of you, baby. I want every inch of you,” he growls, then bites my shoulder.

  “Ah!” I cry out.

  Gray runs his tongue along the bite, soothing, then sucking, lightly. Walking us backward, Gray’s lips move along my collarbone and I swear I purr. Then we are falling onto the bed, tangled in the sheets, our hands and mouths all
over each other. Our clothes flying across the room in every direction as we frantically try to get skin to skin.

  Gray’s mouth nips down my chest, skipping my breasts completely, as he slides further down. His tongue darts out licking the inside of my thigh. Without a word, he sucks my clit in his mouth, making me arch off the bed. “Oh my God.”

  “Yeah, you might as well get started thankin’ him now, baby. It’s going to be a long, hard ride,” he says with a wicked chuckle.

  Gray pumps two fingers, curling them as he teases my clit with his tongue. My hips jerk frantically. Reaching above my head, I fist my hands in the pillows. Gray pumps harder with his fingers, his mouth doing things I never knew possible. I scream out his name as my orgasm hits me, rattling me to the core.

  Gray meets my eyes as he continues to slide his fingers in and out of me. Watching my eyes as I come down from my climax. “That was fuckin’ gorgeous,” he says hoarsely.

  “Need a raincoat for the beast, baby,” Gray says, pulling back to get off of the bed to get a condom.

  I grab his hand, pulling him back to me. “I’m on the pill, Gray. I trust you, please. Nothing between us.”

  He looks at me wide-eyed. I can see the wheels turning in his head like he trying to decide what to do. I push him to his back, sliding down onto him making the decision for both of us. His eyes close, his mouth goes slack as I roll my hips against him. “Fuck!” he moans, making me smile.

  “Watch me, Gray,” I moan, rising up almost losing him completely, only to slam back down onto him. His eyes snap to mine almost immediately. Grabbing his hands I slide them along my thighs. Moving up over my hips, Gray takes in every inch of skin as his fingertips touch it. My entire body trembles with every touch of his fingers as they move over my body. When he squeezes my breasts in his hands, I tilt my head back as I cry out.

  “Watch Daisy,” Gray says, mocking me.