Indulgence

by Liz Crowe

  *****

  Kirk nudged me and I opened my eyes. The way the sunlight streamed in the window, brightening the room, I assumed it was late morning. I’d never seen Kirk still in bed this late.

  “You okay if I go cook breakfast?”

  “Can I come out to the couch?”

  “Yeah,” he said, sitting up and wrapping the blanket around me so he could carry me out to the living room. He laid me out on the couch, put a pillow behind my head and straightened the covers—making sure I was warm and didn’t need another pain pill before he left.

  I dozed again, until he brought me a plate full of eggs, toast, and bacon. “You’re a handy guy,” I mumbled.

  “I’m sure you’d think so.” He sat the food on the coffee table and helped me sit up to eat.

  “I have to leave after breakfast.”

  Mid-bite, I dropped the piece of bacon back on my plate. “Kirk….”

  He grunted. “You nearly got busted using my name yesterday.”

  “Yeah, I noticed.”

  I didn’t want to be alone. He couldn’t leave me alone.

  “The alarm on the door will be set, and I’ll be in the building.”

  “So, you’re leaving me here again?” I shook my head. I didn’t want to even think about it, so I jumped to another subject before I lost my ability to eat. “Why are you here?”

  I saw his jaw tense, and he turned on the TV. I thought he was going to just ignore my question. “Don’t you think you know enough? Knowing more will just put you in more danger.”

  “I think I’ve got that covered. I’m stuck here with you either way.”

  “And knowing how I got here is going to make a difference, how?”

  “You were so pissed when I showed up….”

  “I knew I couldn’t get you out. I knew I couldn’t keep you completely safe, but I thought it was your best chance.”

  “And now you’re questioning it—and everything else you did.”

  He tossed the remote onto the coffee table, and it clattered across the wooden surface until it dropped to the floor. “Do we have to do this now?”

  Curiosity was getting the better of me. I wanted to know what kind of shit storm I had really landed in. “Yes. I want to understand.”

  Kirk shook his head and then leaned forward, rubbing his hands over his face just before the flood of words came rolling out. “Since the moment you arrived, I’ve never been closer to having my cover blown. Every day, you’ve held it in your hand. I had to play my role and hope to god you could play yours without knowing what was going on.”

  He paused for a moment and I could see him trying to gather his thoughts while at the same time trying to hold it back. I realized that was my effect on him—the struggle between being open and trying to save me while maintaining his cover as a dark felon. I brought out his humanity, and that was a dangerous trait to rely on here.

  I heard him swallow, then he lifted a hand and reached across the couch to gently stroke my cheek. “After a while, this place bleeds into you, and to a certain extent you have to let it to keep from standing out. I’ve been tempted to lose myself with you. To thoroughly claim you and make you mine just like they all expect.”

  “But you changed after I tried to escape.”

  “After I had to beat you. I may be a twisted up mess, but that—watching you cry and beg and then throwing you into lockup. Watching you go through everything and take it. Both of us walking the fine line between bending your will and breaking it. I wanted to keep you at a distance, but suddenly I wanted in. I wanted to let you in—despite how much I knew it would hurt you in the long run.”

  “Fuck the long run.”

  “I’m pretty sure we did,” he smirked, but the amusement didn’t touch the rest of his face. “Milo has his hands in a lot of dirty business, and no one has even come close to taking him down. If they take down one operation, he just starts a new one up. The network is massive, but no one will roll on him. Hell, no one even knows his real name; he’s been nearly impossible to trace.”

  “You’re here to bring the whole thing down?”

  “Yeah. I uh… I got inside accidentally while working undercover in a gambling sting, but when Miles asked me to come work with him, I was the first to ever get inside the organization with any cred, so the FBI conspired with my superiors to keep me inside. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like I’ll ever get out.” Dark wrinkles and shadows clouded his face, and he looked like a completely different person. “It’s not exactly a by-the-book operation. Everything is off the table. It’s all about bringing Milo in, and I’m just a damn mole they sent in to wait and watch until I can sound the alarm.”

  “What makes you think anything will stop with him gone? There will be a second; someone will fill in where he leaves.”

  “But we’re hoping there will be enough chaos to give us an in. He’s guilty of far more than sex trafficking.”

  We shared a smile and went back to eating, but as soon as Kirk sat down his empty plate, I started to lose it.

  “I don’t want you to leave.”

  “I won’t be gone long, less than an hour, and I can be back down here in a few minutes if anything happens. It’ll pass in no time if you sleep it off.”

  I shook my head. “Every time I go to sleep it gets taken over by freaky dreams. What happens to me now?”

  “No one will expect much until you’re healed. And when you are, I’m going to find a way to get you out of here.”

  “It’s not going to happen. Not without insane ramifications. Even if you could manage it successfully, they’ll get suspicious and you’ll end up outing yourself. ”

  “I can’t keep you here, Silver. I couldn’t keep you safe. And I can’t ask you to—”

  “You don’t have to ask me.” I finished my plate and put it on the table. I pulled the covers away and although every movement ached, I crossed the couch to straddle his lap. “I can play my part, and with you… I can enjoy some of it. But even if you get me out, it’ll all be for nothing. I want them all to pay for what they’ve done, and if I stay, you can make sure that happens.”

  “Silver, I—”

  “Promise me, Kirk. Let me have back this one piece of my free will.”

  “Revenge isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I don’t want to see you—”

  “I already killed a guy,” I whispered. “I think the darkness has already claimed me.”

  “Exactly why we shouldn’t—”

  “Kirk, please. I’m not asking you to let me take them down myself. I never want to kill anyone, even if it’s in self-defense. But I want to make sure you can do your job. We both have to play our roles.”

  Kirk took a deep breath and traced my collarbone with his lips. “I’ll think about it. For right now, I have to go.” He gently lifted me off of his lap and tucked me back under the covers. Then he disappeared into the bedroom to change and returned, handing me another white pill.

  “Can it wait?”

  “You tell me. The last one should be wearing off.”

  “It makes me too sleepy and I have weird dreams.” I just wanted to stay awake while he was gone. The time wouldn’t pass as quickly, but at least I’d be alert and not lost in the dreams where Gabe could torment me.

  “I’ll leave it here in case you change your mind.” He placed it on the table near my glass of water. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

  I nodded and curled up against the pillow. It and the blankets smelled like Kirk, and that was enough to ease my worries for the moment. I heard the lock snap behind him and it set my mind racing.

  I tried everything I could imagine to keep my mind occupied so it wouldn’t drive me insane or get me into more trouble. Finally, I settled on a shower, hoping that the heat would ease the ache in my muscles. I smothered myself in Kirk’s body wash, hoping to wash away the feeling of Gable and his men pawing at me. Groping me. Hitting me.

  The pounding of the water didn’t help with the latter
since it stung at each of my bruises and welts. Once I felt reasonably clean again, I shut off the water and carefully dried my skin. Then I picked up a comb and went back to the living room, resting for a while before I regained enough strength to tackle my nest of hair.

  I started with the ends, trying to pull out each painful tangle, but my scalp was already sore, and my arms refused to hold themselves up for long. I had barely made a dent in the mess when I heard the lock click. I froze, my eyes dancing around the room for something I could use as a weapon. My bruised legs even prepared to pounce or run.

  Kirk stepped through and my entire body instantly relaxed. He grinned slightly when he saw me and dropped his things on the desk. “What are you doing?”

  “Trying to make my hair look like something that didn’t roll out of the forest.”

  He sat beside me and, damn it all, he pulled off his shirt.

  “How long have you been at it?”

  “Uh—” I looked at the clock, “About forty minutes. You’re late.”

  “At least you kept yourself occupied.”

  “My arms refuse to work much.”

  “Turn around. I’ll help,” he said, snatching the comb from my hand.

  “You’ll help comb my hair?”

  “Unless you want me to let you sit here and suffer while you do it yourself.”

  I turned my back toward him, and he adjusted so I could lean against his leg while he worked.

  I grimaced as soon as he grabbed a clump of hair, waiting for the pull and the pain. I could barely sit still as a kid when my mom tried to detangle my hair, and back then my scalp hadn’t been abused beforehand.

  He tugged and gently pulled at each section, very few times did it ever verge on pain.

  “Are you actually doing anything, or just trying to appease me?”

  He kissed my shoulder. “It’s going to take a while, but yes, I can manage to comb hair. I thought you’d like me to inflict as little pain as possible.”

  “Well then, you’re surprisingly good at this.”

  “I had a little sister.”

  Had. I wasn’t sure if he referred to her in the past tense because she was gone, or because he was separating himself from his own life. “I didn’t think that was a brother’s thing—brushing his sister’s hair.”

  “She was sick a lot. Couldn’t always do it herself, and she refused to let Mom cut it.”

  “At least she had a good brother.” I wanted to know more, but was afraid to pry. One more glimpse into who he really was. “Is she—did—um….” I couldn’t think of a good way to phrase anything.

  “She died when she was fourteen. She had cystic fibrosis, and despite everything the doctors could do, she had trouble with lung infections—for a while it seemed constant. My parents didn’t even know they were carriers, and they took it pretty hard when she died.”

  “I am sorry.” I wanted to say more, to somehow find a way to ease the pain in his voice, but I didn’t have the slightest idea how. My side spasmed, and I flinched, sending waves of pain through the rest of my body. “I think I need the pain pill now.”

  Barely moving me, Kirk reached around me to hand me the water and the pill. “Hello oblivion,” I whispered as I popped it in my mouth and swallowed.

  As my eyelids grew heavy, my defenses fell again. “I had a big fight with my sister, and we’ve barely talked since.”

  “You’ll work it out,” he said, tugging at a difficult knot.

  “Will we? It wasn’t even our first big fight. She got everything she ever wanted and as soon as something didn’t go her way, she went running to someone for a pity party—our parents, an ex… It became a never-ending cycle. She moved in with me, and things got serious between her and my best friend, Peter. That’s when everything started to go to hell.”

  He smoothed out a section of hair and laid it over my shoulder. “What happened?”

  I shook my head, starting to feel too sleepy to hold myself up. I wasn’t supposed to be talking about my family, about life before this. “That’s not this life.”

  “Come on, Sugar, you brought it up.” Kirk laid down the comb and wrapped his arms around me.

  I closed my eyes and drifted into his warmth. “I always had a thing for Peter, but they were good together. I don’t know what happened, but she started hanging out with an ex. She and Peter got into a fight then Chey and her ex went out and blew half of her rent money on booze. We got into it and she moved back with Mom and Dad. She wanted an apology. I wanted an apology. We were at a standstill.”

  “I imagine she’s at least half as stubborn as you.”

  “She found out she was pregnant after our big fight…. I didn’t handle that too well either.” The surge of guilt churned my stomach, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to be thinking about things I couldn’t fix—especially the ones I might not get the chance to fix. I moaned and used the back of the couch to pull myself up. “Are you going to leave my hair half done?”

  I managed to stay conscious as Kirk spent the next half hour working though all of the knots in my hair until it fell around my shoulders again in smooth strait strands.

  “You’re good,” I mumbled, curling up against his chest.

  “Try to sleep.” He kissed the top of my head and tucked a blanket around me.

  “Keep the nightmares away.”

  I woke up with my head in Kirk’s lap, staring up into his sparkling blue eyes.

  “What are you grinning about?” he asked.

  “No dreams that time,” I lied.

  The corner of his mouth lifted, and I suspected he saw right through my lie. He saved me and he protected me. It wasn’t a stretch to say that the more I learned about him, the more I adored him.

  That also frightened me.

  He said that letting me in would only make things harder in the long run because for us, he never expected a long run. I’d be his until he finished the job, and then I’d be on my own again. On my own to deal with the memories and the nightmares.

  “Come back to me,” Kirk said, brushing his thumb over my lips.

  “I’m here.”

  “Your mind isn’t.”

  I didn’t want it to be. He broke down my defenses too easily now, but I pressed a smile to my sore face. “So, what’s next, boss?”

  “You heal.”

  “You’re not in trouble for—”

  “I told you I wouldn’t be. The meeting was about the others. We have to deal with everyone who can’t be trusted. Soon.” he breathed, “Milo is coming in two weeks. Ross said he held it off so we could finish getting everything cleaned up. I think he’s worried about keeping his job after all of this.”

  That was the most terrifying good news I’d ever heard. “That means you’ll have your chance. We just have to play it off for a couple of weeks.”

  A couple weeks—more torment—and then I’d lose him.

  I told myself to stop getting attached, to remember that what we had wasn’t real. It was a product of the circumstances. There was no evidence that the two of us would ever work outside of this environment. Hell, there was no way we’d be together any other way. If the two of us had passed in a bar a month ago, I wouldn’t have turned my head, and I doubted that he would have either.

  Whatever connection we had wasn’t real.

  It wasn’t meant to last.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Initiation

  After a peaceful week, I know it was wishful thinking that we’d make it through the weekend without anyone bothering us, and the early-evening knock on the door confirmed it. I pulled the blanket over myself and flattened out on the couch where no one could see me. Covered in swollen bruises, being violated by Gabe and his crew had made me even more anti-social than normal.

  Kirk understood, but I doubted anyone else would—especially not Ross. He was the one person I couldn’t bear to see. Except a resurrected Gabe, but he was a frequent visitor to my dreams.

  I briefly he
ard muffled voices then the door closed.

  “It’s for you,” Kirk said, holding out a box.

  “Unless it’s chocolate, send it back.” I sat up just long enough for Kirk to reclaim his seat at the end of the couch, and then I laid my head on his lap.

  “It’s from Ross,” he laid it on my stomach, but I drew my hands away from it.

  “Definitely send it back.” I was sure Ross didn’t like me much and Kirk was now on his bad side, too. Probably more so than he was willing to admit.

  I wanted to know the details so I’d know what to expect, but even more, I didn’t want to know anything anymore. I didn’t want to know who Kirk really was, to wrestle with the things both of us had to do to survive.

  It was bad enough when I was only concerned with myself. Now, I was terrified of doing something that might give him away.

  “Just open it, Silver. It really can’t be as bad as you’re currently imagining.”

  “How do you know?” I lifted the box and pressed it to his chest. “You want to know, you open it.”

  Shaking his head, he jerked the box away and popped off the top. He laid the box on the arm of the couch and pulled out a snakeskin tube dress with huge cut outs running down each side.

  “Swanky,” I mused.

  “There’s a matching thong.”

  I stifled a laugh at his exaggerated enthusiasm and it hurt like hell, but humor was more valuable than pain. “Lookie there, our rat-skinned Master thinks of everything.”

  Kirk chuckled, dropping the lingerie back into the box. It was rare to see him with a genuine smile, the kind that tightened the skin around his eyes and brought out his dimples. “Just wait.”

  I heard something else move in the box and he pulled out a pair of stiletto heels with silver snakes coiled around the spike.

  “I’d kill myself,” I said, instantly losing the humor. “That’s like a six inch heel.”

  Kirk flicked his eyebrow up then ran his hand over his mouth.

  “There’s more?” I asked.

  “You’re to wear them to the Outlook tonight.”

  “Tonight?” I pulled myself up into a seated position. “I have more dark spots than an over ripe banana.”