Indulgence

by Liz Crowe

  “You were his contact?” I whispered. “Trent?”

  “Yeah, he wanted to get you out long before now.”

  “I know.” I felt void of all emotion, of all feeling. People shuffled around me. Footsteps. Radios crackling.

  The world moved impossibly slow and yet so fast that my mind couldn’t keep up.

  I was about to lose everything I’d known for the past few weeks. Good or bad. I was about to be thrust into yet another new life. I couldn’t go back to who I was before. I’d never see that girl again, no matter how long I looked.

  His radio crackled and beeped then I heard the popping of gunfire overhead. They’d found the roof.

  My insides twisted and I threw up. Miles was up there, and I had no idea where Alley was.

  “The girls?” I asked, choking on the taste of my vomit.

  “We found them downstairs. They’re all safe.”

  All? How did they know it was all? I wanted to run away from him, to run down the hall and find Alley.

  “There was also a man with them, and he’s been taken into custody.”

  “Miles?” I asked grasping on to the hope.

  Davis squinted at me and shook his head. “They didn’t give a name or description.”

  A stretcher came in, and I followed the crew as they loaded up Kirk and carried him to the elevator.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Rude Awakening

  The officers kept me separated and away from the eyes of the rest of the group, leaving me to watch through a window as they loaded everyone up into large vans. It was like a morbid parade, they had men sprawled out, lying face down on the ground, girls screaming or curled up sobbing. As soon as one van was full, it went on its way and they filled another. I couldn’t imagine where they were taking them all. The women alone would fill a couple of floors in a hotel. The men would surely take up more space than offered at the local jail.

  Ambulances lined up next to the transport vans. Kirk didn’t even get a damn ambulance; they had to life flight him out.

  I marched over to the group of men who seemed to be in charge. The ones who had ordered Trent to keep me here. “I want to go to the hospital.”

  “We’ll get everyone checked out,” some old man said. I scowled back at him, and another young paramedic tried to grab my arm. I jumped away.

  “I’m leaving for the hospital,” Trent said, “she can ride with me.”

  “That’s against procedure.”

  “In these circumstances…” he trailed off and shook his head. “ Bluntly, Sir, fuck procedure. I’m going to the hospital, and she’s coming with me; you can have my gun and badge if you want.”

  Davis draped his SWAT jacket over my body and pulled a key from his pocket—Kirk’s key.

  My gut clenched. He held the link to my final claim of freedom, but as he reached for the collar around my neck, I wanted to pull away.

  I wanted my freedom to come from Kirk… James… I wasn’t even sure what I was supposed to call him anymore. After removing the collar and cuffs, Trent kept me close to his side as he led me down toward the street where the cars were parked.

  “You and K—” Time to stop calling him that. “James, you were close?”

  “We trained together. They tried to pass this off to someone with more experience, but we knew each other and I fought to be his contact.” He opened his car door, but instead of climbing in, he leaned over the roof. “You weren’t supposed to get caught up in all of this—”

  “I know.” I slid into the car hoping to avoid future conversation.

  As the car pulled away from the retreat, I licked my dry lips and picked at my nails. I was still covered with blood; anyone else who saw me would think I was the one doing all of the killing.

  My body clenched as soon as we hit city limits and I recognized where we were. Civilization. The real world. People going about their everyday lives.

  Not a one of them had any idea what was going on twenty minutes outside of the city.

  “Rose,” Trent whispered.

  I recognized my name, but it felt foreign. I still hadn’t let go. I wondered if my name would ever feel like my own again. “I’m fine.”

  Fine, right. I couldn’t even sit still and I knew Trent saw it. I squeezed my fingers, rubbed them against my leg. Scratched my feet against the carpet. I wanted out of the city so badly I couldn’t even see straight.

  At the hospital, we waited in the car for a few minutes while Trent checked his phone, and I tried to get myself under control.

  “Are you ready for this? There’s a private waiting room, so we won’t have to be around anyone more than necessary.”

  I blew out a long breath and nodded. As he led me in, I had to keep reminding myself to keep it together. On some level, it felt like a trick. One of Ross’ employees was bound to pop out at any second and throw me into lockup. Luckily, no one else boarded the elevator and as soon as we stepped off, we went straight to the nurse’s desk.

  “They took him into surgery when he got here,” he said, waving at one of the nurses and calling her over. “Can you find an extra pair of scrubs?”

  The woman looked me over, raised her eyebrows, and walked away, returning a few minutes later with a stack of gaudy green clothes. Trent grabbed them and led me around and through a small private waiting room. I guessed that his business brought him here often. He opened the door to a tiny bathroom and laid the clothes down next to the sink. “I’ll let you get washed up.”

  I handed back his jacket and dropped the straps to my dress.

  He cleared his throat and closed the door. In my own little world, I’d forgotten about real world etiquette. Not that his presence really registered anyway. I was on autopilot.

  I threw my dress into the trash then pulled a long section of paper towel out of the dispenser and began scrubbing at the blood on my hands and arms. Some had even transferred to my legs when I’d sat down. I tried to clean under my fingernails and wipe up the excess blood, but it seemed like there was no end to the stains.

  Finally, I rinsed off and splashed some water over my face before slipping into the oversized scrubs. I looked in the mirror, taking in my rudely disheveled appearance, but the blood was gone. I didn’t care about the rest.

  Trent was leaned against a chair arm when I opened the door; he stood, but waited for me to approach.

  “Sorry about that,” I waved at the door. “I didn’t think.”

  “It’s okay.” He kept his distance but didn’t look away.

  For fuck’s sake, I was back to being looked at like a caged animal. I collapsed into a chair, hoping that if he knew I was staying put he’d stop watching my every movement.

  “I talked to a nurse,” he said, “James is still in surgery so, we can wait in here. I’d like to get you checked out though.”

  Just saw the doctor this morning, I thought, but no one here would recognize Clarence’s opinion on anything. “I’m fine.”

  “I can have a doctor come in here.”

  I sighed, rubbing my forehead. “Whatever you want, if you need me to get cleared then do it. Get it over with so I can just be free of all this.”

  Trent nodded and stepped outside. I almost regretted what I’d said because now I was alone with no one to protect me—even though I wasn’t sure what I needed protection from.

  I didn’t want anyone else touching me, even if it was a doctor. However, it wasn’t just a doctor; it was a doctor, a nurse, and a phlebotomist. My leg bounced off the floor and I stared across the room as they did their work, only giving monosyllabic answers when absolutely necessary. I didn’t want to be examined; I wanted to know that Kirk was okay.

  That James was okay.

  As much as I kept telling myself I needed to use his real name now. I was still more connected to life as Silver than life as Rose. After the past few weeks, that was my reality. Just like I couldn’t make an overnight change when they had abducted me and tried to turn me into a slave, I couldn�
�t flip the switch and go back to normal now.

  Normal was life before Kirk.

  Whatever this was, this was life after Kirk.

  *****

  It was another two hours before they took James to a regular room and okayed us to visit him. The doctor assured us that although he was still unconscious, he was stable, and should make a complete recovery, but I wasn’t ready for what I saw when we entered the room.

  He was barely the man I knew, so pale and frail looking with all of the tubes and wires. I stopped just inside the door, running my fingers through my tangled hair. I felt the beginning of tears well up and forced myself forward; at least while he was asleep, Kirk wouldn’t be able to see my tears.

  I slid my hand under his cool fingers.

  I heard someone else enter the room, and hushed voices behind me, but I tuned them out, pulling up a stool and leaning over the side of the bed. I was so exhausted, my vision was blurry, but I fought to keep my eyes open, unable to take my gaze off of him.

  James’ hand twitched and I sat up so quickly I almost fell off the stool. I saw a hint of his grey-blue eyes and squeezed his hand, probably to the point of pain for him.

  “You don’t give up, do you?” he whispered.

  “You know better.”

  Trent leaned over the other side of the bed. “Quite the stubborn girl you found.”

  The corner of James’ mouth quirked up, but his eyelids fluttered closed again.

  “They’re giving us another fifteen minutes or so,” Trent said. “Then, they want to give him time to rest.”

  I leaned my elbow against the bed railing, using my free hand to rub away the pounding headache in my forehead. “I can’t leave. Where would I go, anyway?”

  “Home,” James whispered.

  “Your rent and bills are all taken care of,” Trent explained. “We made sure you didn’t lose everything.”

  I glared across the bed at Trent as he spoke. James hadn’t only used my driver’s license to check my background; he’d at least tried to make sure I could have a halfway normal life when he finally managed to get me out. I couldn’t believe it, but part of me drew back at the news, at the thought of going back there. I was afraid of my old life, afraid of facing it again.

  “The friends I was supposed to meet for dinner,” I said. James hadn’t brought it up again since I’d asked about Charlene, and I’d been afraid to mention it myself.

  “You only mentioned one,” James said, his voice growing fainter every time he spoke.

  “Well, I was supposed to meet two, but I only remember being with one. Charlene?” I glanced at James then back at Trent.

  “She’s fine,” Trent said. “She doesn’t remember anything happening.”

  “Why’d they take me and not her?”

  Trent shook his head. “She was assaulted and left in her car, but she doesn’t know anything. She came into the police station day after day demanding that we find you. Not an easy woman to calm down, I hear.”

  Feeling lightheaded, I leaned back. It was unfair not to tell her that I was fine, but I wasn’t ready to deal with the conversation or the company.

  “I heard she went back to Nebraska to stay with her cousin for a while.”

  I exhaled slowly. “So I just go home and go back to normal?”

  “I’ll take you to a safe house tonight,” Trent said. “We’ll give you as many resources as we can to help you get back on your feet.”

  Resources. The last I checked they didn’t make resources that erased the mental images I couldn’t escape.

  I rubbed my hand over my face. “I’m not leaving.” I couldn’t. Even for a night, the thought of being alone terrified me. The thought of being away from James terrified me.

  My chest tightened and I leaned over the bed railing trying to compose myself as James squeezed my fingers.

  “Rose,” Trent began, but before he could say anything else, James cleared his throat. Trent sighed and shrugged, “I’ll be right outside.”

  “You’ll be fine,” James whispered.

  Arguing with him was an unfair scenario—I felt guilty trying to argue with a bedridden man who had just taken a bullet for me. I had my stubbornness and I knew I’d last longer in the argument, but he had the advantage since I didn’t want to push him.

  “I’m not ready.” My chest ached, but I managed to hold back the tears. Either that or I just didn’t have any left.

  “You are, Rose. Stay with Trent. I trust him and I know he’ll take care of you. We both need rest, Sugar.”

  A buzzing tingle radiated through my chest. Sugar. I didn’t even know what that meant anymore. “I can sleep here.”

  Kirk’s pale lips pressed together. We both had to learn how to do this again, how to be people, not-so-normal people pretending to function in the real world.

  “Even if I leave, I won’t sleep,” I said. “I’m not trying to be stubborn about it, I’m just….”

  “Terrified?”

  All of my emotions reflected in his eyes. I leaned over, slipping my fingers through his hair.

  The door opened again and Trent peeked in, “Rose. We have to go.”

  I kissed James’ forehead. “We’ll be okay?”

  He nodded and his eyes fluttered closed, but I couldn’t pry my hand away from his.

  Trent touched my shoulder and I wanted to beg him to let me stay. I’d hide in the closet if I had to.

  “I understand,” he said, “but they’re not budging on the order. We have to go. They’ll call me immediately if his condition changes at all.”

  *****

  Trent stayed the night with me in the safe house but left just before breakfast to head to the station to complete his paperwork on the raid. After an hour of the new crew staring at me as I paced through the living room, I couldn’t stand waiting around anymore.

  “If you won’t take me to the hospital or let me call someone, I’ll walk.” I stormed toward the door, but one of the officers blocked my way. “I’m not a criminal and you can’t keep me here.”

  “It’s for your own safety; Detective Davis will be back—”

  “Trent can fucking find me at the hospital.” I pushed by him. “The only question is whether or not you’re giving me a ride. I’m going to find a way there.” They were just doing their job, I supposed, but I was sick of people not letting me make my own decisions.

  “Fine,” the officer relented and nodded to the other, “call Davis and give him the update.”

  I left the officer behind in the lobby, running up the stairs to the room where James had been, but it was empty, so I rushed back to the desk. “James…” I didn’t even know his last name, so I pointed to the room.

  The nurse shook her head. “We can’t give you any information ma’am.”

  “For fuck’s sake, just tell me if he’s in the hospital. I’ll check every room and find him myself.”

  Trent rounded the corner. “He’s not here,” he said dryly. “He’s in protective custody. I can’t tell you where; I don’t even know.”

  I looked for the nearest thing I could throw through a wall. Trent reached for me, but I backed out of his reach.

  “I can’t—I need.” My body started to shake.

  “Is there anyone we can call?” he asked, trying to soothe me from afar. “Family you can stay with?”

  I shook my head. Sure there was, but… I couldn’t.

  “I’ll take you back to your place.”

  I didn’t want to go back there either, but it was better than standing in the hospital arguing. And at least then, I hoped I’d get rid of everyone looking over my shoulder and following me. I stalked past him and took the stairs down to the first floor, I was too antsy to wait in one place for the elevator, or to tolerate the elevator ride, but once we got outside, I had to wait for him to catch up so he could lead me to his car.

  The tiny house I rented was only a fifteen-minute drive from the hospital. By the time we got there, the car made me feel cl
austrophobic, and yet, I didn’t want to get out. My hand visibly shook as I reached for the handle, but I forced myself to keep moving.

  “Do you want me to come in with you?”

  “Sure.” I didn’t look back at him. I wanted to forget that anyone could see me.

  On the way up, he pulled my elbow and handed me my keys. The exact set I always carried.

  I stared down at them for a moment, rolling them around in my hand. “How?”

  “We found them in James’ room at the retreat. He told me where to look.”

  “He’s okay, right?” I squeezed the keys until they dug painfully into my flesh. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. Was I even alright?

  Trent nodded. “They’re going to keep a close eye on him for a while.”

  “He’s not going to get in trouble for… for me?”

  “No, sweetie. They’re just going to make sure he’s safe and recovering. He wasn’t exactly trained for what they sent him in to do, and he was there for a long time before you got there.”

  “Well, he’s pretty good at it.” I shook my head, staring down at the concrete sidewalk. “Don’t know if that’s a compliment or not.”

  “Give him a few weeks, Rose.”

  A few weeks, that’s exactly how long it took to muddle through the horrific mess. It seemed like a lifetime. I didn’t want to wait that long, but I nodded and headed up to the door.

  The air in the house was stagnant, and it felt completely dead inside. At least we had that in common. I glanced around at the pictures, the throw tossed over the back of the couch, my book on the coffee table. It was all too much.

  Even the thought of freedom—though I longed for it—was too much. I rubbed my hands over my face, sank to the floor, and cried.

  Trent sat next to me, intuitive enough to stay, but keep his distance.

  “Did you find Miles?”

  He opened his mouth, and I waited for an answer, but he closed it again.

  The silent reaction was killing me. “I just want to know if he’s alive.”

  “Yes. He was the one with the girls like you asked. Do you know why?”