Indulgence

by Liz Crowe

  “He and Kirk worked together a lot to protect us—them.” I shook my head, realizing I’d said Kirk again. It was all confusing enough to try and muddle through the different names. “He saved us. Miles. He kept Ross from shooting me and Kirk.”

  “Is he the one who shot Ross?”

  “Please,” my heart pumped extra hard. “They’ll probably kill him if they find out.”

  “They won’t find out.”

  I numbly answered the rest of his questions, explaining the essentials of what had happened. At least, everything I figured he had any business knowing. I tried my best to skip over the sex, torture, and punishments where I was concerned.

  My throat dried out, and I finally pushed myself off the floor. “Want some water?”

  “Please.”

  It was probably a good thing I never cooked, at least my kitchen wasn’t a rotting mess, but I intended on putting off opening the refrigerator for as long as possible. I pulled two glasses out of the cabinet, and for a second I was amazed that they weren’t covered in dust and cob webs, but the lifetime I had been gone was only a few weeks to the outside world.

  “Do you have a house phone?” Trent asked, taking a sip of the tap water I handed him.

  “No, just my cell and I have a feeling it’s gone.”

  “I’ll get you a temporary one, you can use it to call me if you need anything, and for anything else you might need.”

  Calling people. “Have you heard from my family?”

  “Yes, they drove up here a few times. Your sister….” His voice trailed off.

  All I wanted was for everything to be okay, to go back before our stupid argument, and be there for her. “Is the baby okay?”

  “She is, they’re both okay. The baby is about three weeks old now. The hospital kept her for a week because she was a bit early, but she’s doing fine, last I heard.”

  I tried to speak, but my mouth felt like it had sealed shut. I dropped against the counter. The world went on while I was gone. “You know her name?”

  “Laney Rose,” he reached out and touched my shoulder, my mind pulled away at the outside touch; I was too drained to fight it. “They’ll be happy to have you back.”

  I bit the inside of my cheek until I tasted blood. Now that I was ready to put the drama behind me, I wasn’t ready for human interaction for a dozen other reasons.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Demons

  For four weeks, I barely left the house. I answered calls just to make sure that no one came to visit, even though my family had showed up anyway—more than once. I didn’t have anything to say or anything to give that would make things less awkward. The only person I didn’t want space from—the only one who understood what I was dealing with had practically dropped off the face of the planet. And then there was Trent, who called to check in at least once a week, and to assure me that James was doing better.

  Good for him, I always thought. I wouldn’t be impressed until he was man enough to tell me that himself.

  Two days a week, I had to go to see my counselor, who basically spent the entire hour telling me that I had to learn to live my life again, and that it would be easier to do that without James. It was all so fucking exhausting.

  I closed the front door and latched the deadbolt, dropping my keys onto a hook. Something rattled in the kitchen and I jumped, pressing my back against the door.

  “Trapper,” I called, hoping it was just the damn cat. Every time I looked at that cat, I thought of Kirk. I hadn’t bought her, she just wondered in off the street, and of course, I couldn’t help but give her food. So, she decided to call it home.

  I took another step and saw her dozing on the couch.

  It’s just your imagination.

  Movement caught my eye, a shadow on the kitchen floor.

  Oh, god, not again.

  I reached for the door as a familiar blonde figure rounded the corner.

  “Alley?” I breathed. Relief washed through me, then panic. What the hell was she doing in my house?

  “I saw Miles with your license before he gave it to Kirk,” she said. “And, I decided to look you up. Find out what happened to you.”

  “Alley, I—”

  “Shut up,” she shouted, pulling a gun from behind her back and aiming it at me. “You did this.”

  “No—” I whispered, putting my hands up as if that would help anything.

  “Miles—he was the only one who really ever cared about me, ever since I lost my family. He took care of me; I had a safe place. Now he’s gone and I have nothing. It’s all because of you.” She took a step closer waving the gun. “You stupid fucking whore, why couldn’t you and Kirk leave us alone? I thought he cared about us.”

  “I swear he did. He did what he had to do to make sure that no one else ended up like me.”

  “The two of you just decided to come in and play us all for fools. Is he dead?”

  “Alley, I—” Dead? Is that what everyone thought?

  “Shut the hell up.” She waved the gun, accentuating every word as she moved closer to me.

  I backed against the wall, as Trapper jumped from the couch and ran up the stairs.

  “I loved him,” Alley continued. “You really don’t understand. I looked you up. You had a good life. Why the hell did you go in there and ruin everything? It was none of your damn business.”

  “It wasn’t my choice. I didn’t lie, Alley. I was taken there, against my will. I wasn’t feeding anyone information. I had nothing to do with the raid.”

  “I don’t believe you.” Her eyelids were droopy, and her eyes glazed over like she hadn’t slept in a week. “Where is Kirk?”

  “I don’t know,” I realized my mistake. If she was supposed to think he was dead, I just gave him away. “I didn’t want anything to happen. You were my friend, Alley.”

  My ears rang from the shot and I landed on the floor. At first, I couldn’t see through the shock to understand what happened. Then, I felt the hot liquid pouring from my shoulder.

  “Alley, please,” I begged again.

  “I’d do anything for Miles, anything to get him back.”

  “I know.” I put my hand over the wound. “I know.”

  I waited for the final shot, but Alley ran out of the house. I crawled to the door, fumbling through my purse to find the cell phone Trent had given me.

  My fingers refused to cooperate as I tried to dial 911. My body shook, and I felt frigid in comparison to the hot liquid streaming out of me.

  Finally, the call connected and I heard a woman’s voice—a brief wisp of hope.

  “I was shot.”

  “Can you give me your location?”

  I couldn’t answer, so the operator asked again. “Ma’am, can you give me your location?”

  Work, mouth. The phone clattered to the floor.

  I drifted in and out of consciousness, a mix of blood loss and pure shock that numbed the pain and ushered me to oblivion.

  This is it. After all of that. This is how I die.

  I felt hands on my body. Hot hands, so hot against my cold skin.

  Too many hands.

  My nightmare coming to life all over again. I squirmed, trying to get away, but my body was too weak.

  They’ve come to get me.

  “Miss,” a bright light was shown in my eyes. “Can you hear me?”

  I jerked away.

  “We’re EMTs, Miss. You’re going to feel a prick in your arm. Do you hear me?”

  I forced my eyes open. Three men stood around me, and two cops stood at the open door to my house.

  I nodded and my eyes fell closed again. I pushed away the hands that pulled at my clothes, poking me and compressing my painful shoulder.

  They forced my hands to my sides, and I screamed.

  “How is she still conscious?” One asked.

  A hand touched my forehead and I forced my eyes open with a jerk.

  “It’s okay, Rose,” Trent whispered. “Can you tell me who s
hot you?”

  “She shouldn’t be trying to talk right now.”

  I ignored the paramedic’s voice and focused on the blond cop kneeling next to my head. “A—A—Alley.”

  “Did she say anything?”

  “Davis,” the same paramedic yelled. He seemed to miss the fact that—struggling to speak or not—if I was trying to answer questions, I wasn’t fighting them off.

  “Do your damn job, Lucas,” Trent snapped.

  “She’s about as stable as we can do. We need to get her loaded up.”

  They rolled me onto the backboard then lifted me to the stretcher.

  My eyelids were too heavy to fight any longer. “Trent,” I called, managing only a whisper.

  “I’ll be right behind the ambulance.”

  *****

  I opened my eyes and saw a stubbly James standing over my bed.

  “Am I high?” I whispered, sure he was just the creation of pain killers.

  “Probably.”

  “Good. Getting shot sucks.”

  He made a sound in his throat and leaned against the railing. “I know.”

  “Are you real?”

  His fingers slid into mine and he squeezed my hand. “Do I feel real?”

  “As soon as my arm is healed I’m going to punch you, then decide.”

  Every time I opened my eyes, the room seemed slightly different. James was in a different position. I couldn’t tell if I was losing time, or losing my mind.

  “Where have you been?” I asked.

  “Around. I wanted to—” he stopped, “My psychologist and my supervisor warned me to stay away from you. They said you’d heal better if I kept my distance. I wanted to see you, but I wanted them to be right. I wanted… I wanted you to be able to go back to normal.”

  “There is no normal.” I closed my eyes and opened them again. James was stretched out on a small couch next to me. “Am I really fucked, or do I keep falling asleep?”

  “Sleep,” he said, standing to move closer, “we both know how you fare in your battles against pain meds.”

  “Hold my hand.” I’d momentarily forgotten about being mad at him. I needed contact. An anchor. I felt like I was losing my mind.

  His fingers grazed my chin and I pressed toward them. “It’s okay, S—Rose.”

  His almost calling me Silver was enough to bring me out of the stupor a little more. I forced my eyes open.

  “You should have talked to me. Given me a choice. Said goodbye. Something. I deserved something.”

  His head dropped, and he leaned over the railing of the bed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even trust myself to make the right decision.”

  “But you still decided to make a decision without me. I didn’t expect to come back and have everything be fine, but suddenly, I was just on my own.”

  He lowered his eyes. His thumb dancing over my knuckles. I could see that he felt just as lost as I was, but I still felt abandoned by the one person I’d trusted to take care of me.

  The pain in my arm intensified, radiating down into my chest and gut. I wasn’t sure what was from the wound, and what was an overblown emotional reaction. “There are things that I’m even afraid to tell my counselor, but she goes on about how finding myself again is important.”

  “Sounds familiar,” he whispered. “I know you wish that I had given you a choice, and maybe I should have, but what if we both chose the thing that made us most comfortable for the short-term and it didn’t work out? Things that work fine in a pressure cooker don’t always work well when they have infinite space. I agreed to give it four weeks, but the closer that date came, the more I wondered just what I was supposed to do. Show up on your doorstep and ask how you’ve been for the last four weeks—”

  “At least then I wouldn’t have a bullet hole preventing me from smacking you.”

  He smirked and traced his fingers up my arm.

  Another man in a police uniform stepped in and cleared his throat. “We’re assigning a protective detail. We’ll make sure no unauthorized people enter. Do you have family coming to see you?”

  I shook my head.

  “Anyone at all?”

  “I don’t suppose the hospital allows cats?”

  The officer squinted at me then glanced to James.

  “That would be a no,” I clarified.

  After the office stepped out, I looked up to catch James’ gaze.

  “Don’t even,” I whispered, “She adopted me. Came in when I opened the door, sat down in my damn living room, and refused to move.”

  He chuckled and I could almost feel the sound run through my body, like a hot soothing bath, relaxing every muscle.

  It was probably mostly the pain meds, though. I wondered if eventually I’d be able to see sound waves. And then I realized I was totally fucked out of my mind.

  I watched Kirk for a while longer. He sat on the edge of the bed, silently holding my hand, and sometimes rubbing the backs of my fingers and up my arm.

  I drifted out and woke up in a panic, gasping for breath after a nightmare I couldn’t remember, but the confusion was quickly drowned out the shooting pain in my arm that followed. Two sets of hands tried to push me back to bed and I screamed.

  Suddenly, the room was alive as two nurses rushed in to join the fray.

  I’m fine.

  Get away.

  My brain was shooting off messages so fast, it didn’t seem like they were making it to the rest of my body.

  I felt sluggish and tired.

  “Stop touching me,” I finally yelled, and everyone backed off long enough for my brain and body to fall back into sync. “It was a dream. I think. I’m fine.”

  “You’re bleeding,” Trent said.

  One of the nurses pushed him out of the way. “You probably pulled a stitch with all of that—”

  James grunted and the nurse’s mouth snapped shut.

  “You come in handy,” I muttered.

  “I need to have a look under the bandage,” the nurse said.

  Trent stepped back and the nurse leaned over my bed, glancing up at James as if making sure he wouldn’t attack as soon as she pulled down my gown. “You were lucky,” she said. I was tired of being in fucked up situations and having people tell me that, but I closed my eyes and let her continue. “The bullet went straight through. There was a lot of bleeding, but they just had to clean the wound and stitch you up. You’ll have to give it plenty of time to heal. Without any complications, you could go home tomorrow.”

  I had the feeling she wanted rid of me, and I wondered what the hell I had done to piss her off. I squeezed James’ hand, closing my eyes as the bandage was peeled away from my skin.

  “I think you got lucky,” she said, tossing the bandage away and laying out the materials to apply a new one. “It doesn’t look like you ripped anything too badly, but you’ll need to stay still. I’ll get you some more pain medicine.”

  “Can I get something else?”

  “It’s the strongest thing the doctor approved.”

  “Then, I’ll take the third or fourth strongest. I don’t like feeling so foggy when I’m awake.” It was too much like being back there. Reliving what Gabe had put me through.

  “I’ll see what the doctor says.” She taped my shoulder back up, then pressed a button on the IV machine and walked out.

  “What’s with her getting all flippy because I want something weaker?”

  “She seems flippy in general,” Trent said. He eyed me for a moment then looked at James. “We’re keeping a couple of people on you until we catch her—”

  “I heard, but if she wanted me dead I would be.” I turned to James. “She asked about you. Seemed to think you were dead, but I—”

  “It’s okay,” he whispered.

  “They watching you, too?”

  “Currently, by default.”

  He smiled, but I failed to see any humor in it.

  “Alley didn’t deserve to be put back out on the streets. Why didn’t someone
make sure she—”

  “She refused everything,” Trent explained, “Didn’t want ‘blood money’. The detectives even found her family, but she wouldn’t have anything to do with them.”

  I grimaced, the pain was fading, but the confusion settled in again. That damn nurse had pushed through another round of morphine. I blinked, trying to hang on to whatever conversation we were having. “She said her family was gone.”

  Trent must’ve noticed my condition because he turned and checked the IV machine she’d messed with. “I think it was more like she was afraid to face them after everything.”

  That sounded too familiar. Not that I hadn’t been trying to avoid my family before the abduction, but I had become particularly expert at it since coming back.

  “I’m going to grab a doctor,” Trent said.

  “Silver….” James began as soon as Trent was gone.

  “You’re going to have to break that habit. Kirk and Silver are gone—”

  “They have been for a long time, Sugar.”

  Hearing that word roll from his lips tickled my nerve endings, a mix of pleasure and pain. Just like every moment with him. My eyes burned and I squeezed them shut. “You—you’re the one that requested this stupid protective detail, aren’t you? Does that mean you’re planning on leaving me alone?”

  “She found you and came into your house to attack you, but it was Trent who ordered it.”

  “You avoided the second question.” The swell of emotions cut off my air. “Maybe the doctors were right. You’re the only person I feel connected to. I held on to that for the last four weeks. I couldn’t move on, but even with you here. I—” I wanted to erase my life as Silver. That’s why I had tried so hard to keep the two identities separate, but now, there was no way to reconcile that with my feelings for James. “I don’t think I can do this either.”

  James stood over me in silence. I couldn’t look at him, I’d end up looking in his eyes and that was something I simply couldn’t handle.

  “This time I get to make the call. James and Rose don’t even know each other.”

  I struggled to inhale as he nodded and stepped back just as Trent came back in the room.

  “Make sure she’s safe,” James said as he passed.